Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?

by Mark Leyner

  “It’s yucky poopy,” Leyner whined, squirming in his seat.

  “Honey, go help him,” the wife said nudging her husband and wiping her eyes.

  “Me? I didn’t come here to wipe a grown man’s ass!”

  Leyner looked up at him with big sad eyes, pouting. “Daddy?”

  Off went the husband and Leyner to the men’s room.

  I turned to the wife. “My partner is unusual, but a true genius. Let’s just hope they don’t get into a fistfight.”

  Moments later, the husband returned carrying Leyner in his arms. Leyner was covered head to toe with baby powder, and the two men were engaged in a spirited discussion about the ergonomics of different strollers.

  As I began to explore a range of issues concerning the woman’s anxiety about her impending maternity, Leyner began tossing a ball to the husband. He began winging it harder and harder until the husband responded with a ninety-mile-an-hour hummer directed at Leyner’s head. The ball sailed through the open window out onto the street. Leyner leaped through the window as Isabel stood and berated her husband.

  “How many times have I told you not to play ball in the house. It sets a bad example. Look what you’ve done!”

  I interrupted. “Very good. You are setting boundaries and cooperatively parenting. You two are naturals.”

  At that, there was a knock at the door. Leyner re-entered, arm in arm with a tall, buxom Swedish woman. He looked at his surrogate parents and said, “This is Inga. We met on an exchange program. We’re engaged!” he squealed.

  I looked at the woman again and noticed very large hands and a trace of a five o’clock shadow.

  I could see the husband also giving the “girlfriend” a skeptical once-over.

  He leaned toward his wife and whispered, “I think it’s a guy, for Christ sake.”

  “Honey…look how happy he is,” the wife responded, squeezing her husband’s hand with affectionate pride.

  “Happy?? He’s engaged to Dolph Lundgren!”

  The woman stood and tenderly took one of Leyner’s hands and grabbed one of the meaty paws of the fiancé. “Sweetheart, if the two of you are happy, we’re happy.” They all embraced.

  “Do you see what you just did?” I asked. “Acceptance is a sign of unconditional love. I’m proud of both of you. You’ve shown in one session a remarkable capacity to deal with each phase of your child’s dependence, maturation, and separation.”

  The woman had a look of absolute bliss on her face. “We did, didn’t we?”

  She looked proudly at her husband.

  “Let’s go celebrate, I have an overwhelming craving for kielbasa.”

  “I know just the place,” said Leyner, as the two couples sauntered out the door.

  I was left alone in the office to ponder the complexities of pregnancy and parenting. I also wondered why I ever left the ER and got mixed up with this strange little man.

  DOES STANDING ON YOUR HEAD AFTER SEX INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF BECOMING PREGNANT?

  Getting pregnant can be tricky business for some. As couples are trying to conceive at older ages, the process has become more regimented, mechanical, and scientific. Temperatures are taken, ovulation kits are scattered across the bedroom, and books and books are piled on the bedside table. It’s a miracle that there is even time for sex. Once the sex finally happens, the postcoital positioning begins. Some experts believe that lying down for twenty to thirty minutes after sex may boost your chances of conceiving. Others recommend a pillow placed under the hips to add a little gravity to the mix.

  There is no evidence to suggest that standing on your head will help at all, although it would be very interesting to try to have sex while standing on your head. If you don’t conceive you could at least get a job with Cirque du Soleil.

  SHOULD A MAN WAIT SEVERAL DAYS BETWEEN SEX TO STORE UP SPERM IF TRYING TO IMPREGNATE HIS WIFE?

  Having to go give a sample for semen analysis can be a strange experience. I (Dr. Billy) would be happy to share my own story. Typically, when you go to the doctor to give a semen specimen, you’re sent to a small room with magazines and videos to help you along. When you finish your business, you place it in a door in the wall and off you go. I experienced several problems during this process. One difficulty was how long I needed to wait before giving them the sample. The process doesn’t really take that long, but isn’t it more respectable to wait awhile to, y’know, show some stamina? Then there’s the disappointment when you finally look at the end product. They will be measuring not only the quality, but also the quantity, and the amount can look pretty paltry. I left that day feeling dejected, as if I’d just failed an important test. Alas, the results were very good and I was able to do a little victory dance in the office when the results came in (that would be my Viable Sperm Dance, not to be confused with The Funky Chicken).

  If you have to provide a sample for semen analysis, doctors ask you to abstain from ejaculation for two to five days. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that abstention is good for improving the odds of conception.

  Studies agree that semen volume and sperm concentration increase with prolonged sexual abstinence. The issue of sperm motility is different. Sperm motility is believed to be one of the most important parameters in evaluating fertilizing ability. The percentage of normal sperm and the percentage of motile sperm decrease with infrequent ejaculation. Overall, studies find that ejaculating several times per week will give you the highest number of fully functional sperm.

  ARE MORE BABIES CONCEIVED DURING A FULL MOON?

  It is not uncommon to hear this myth in the hospital. People seem to firmly believe that more babies are conceived when the moon is full and that more are born when the moon is full. Studies show absolutely no correlation between the moon and pregnancy. This is another one of those old wives’ tales that people just don’t want to relinquish.

  In 2005, in an article appearing in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology entitled “Birth Rate and Its Correlation with the Lunar Cycle and Specific Atmospheric Conditions,” a group of doctors in Arizona once again tested this idea and found no correlation.

  CAN A WOMAN GET PREGNANT FROM PRE-EJACULATION?

  Pre-ejaculate has many other names including Cowper’s fluid, pre-come, pre-cum, and speed drop. It is secreted by Cowper’s glands, and it serves to lubricate the urethra and prepare it for the passage of sperm.

  Studies have shown that pre-ejaculatory fluid does not contain sperm and therefore cannot be responsible for pregnancies. Although there is no sperm in pre-come itself, there could be some residual sperm in the urethra from a recent sexual encounter or ejaculation. Therefore, there is the risk of pregnancy with any intercourse.

  Diseases can also be transferred in pre-ejaculate, so don’t fall for that old line “I will just put it in for a second so you can see how it feels.”

  WHY DO YOU HAVE A “BIONIC” SENSE OF SMELL WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT?

  The journal Chemical Senses isn’t usually at the top of my reading list, but it certainly came in handy to answer this question. In 2004 it published an article entitled “A Longitudinal Descriptive Study of Self-Reported Abnormal Smell and Taste Perception in Pregnant Women.” The article described the “odor hedonics” of pregnancy. Say what? I love it when they use fancy terms instead of just saying the perception of pleasant or unpleasant smells in pregnancy.

  This article and others confirm the idea that pregnant women have an especially acute sense of smell. This is more common in early pregnancy and disappears after delivery. These authors go on to speculate that the abnormalities in smell may be explained by some natural internal mechanism to avoid poisons. They noted that the odors of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and coffee in particular were commonly reported as being perceived as stronger than normal during early pregnancy.

  It is postulated that this bionic sense of smell is caused by an increase in hormones, specifically plasma estradiol (an estrogen). Women also have an increase in estradiol during
the menstrual cycle, with a peak at ovulation (around day 14). Some women report increased sense of smell during this period of their cycle as well.

  Whatever the reason or cause, I have found the bionic sense of smell very troublesome. During my own wife’s pregnancy, I was forced to shower immediately upon entering the house, loofah myself aggressively with a rough sea sponge, brush my teeth excessively, and scrape my tongue with barbaric oral-hygiene implements…And despite my best efforts, I was still occasionally put outside like a bag of rotten garbage.

  WHY CAN’T YOU EAT SOFT CHEESE DURING PREGNANCY?

  So pickles and ice cream are okay, but soft cheese is a problem? That doesn’t seem to make a great deal of sense, does it? It’s really all about Listeria monocytogenes. This bacterium is found in raw, unpasteurized milk and any cheeses or other dairy products made from it. It can cause a potentially deadly disease called listeriosis.

  Listeriosis usually isn’t a big problem in healthy individuals, but pregnancy makes you more vulnerable. This bacteria is about seventeen times more likely to cause an infection in pregnant women than in the normal population. Listeriosis usually only causes mild “flulike” symptoms but the real problem lies in the fact that it can be transferred across the placenta and harm the baby. Listeria during pregnancy can cause miscarriage, premature rupture of membranes, premature birth, and very serious infections in newborns including meningitis.

  But don’t freak out if you are pregnant and mistakenly chow down some fresh mozzarella. Listeriosis is relatively rare.

  DO ANY OF THESE THINGS INDUCE LABOR: SEX, SPICY FOOD, CHINESE FOOD, RED WINE?

  Here are the makings for a romantic evening of freedom before the baby’s arrival: a spicy Szechuan meal, a nice glass of cabernet, and some sweet lovemaking. The good news is that you can repeat it several times because it will probably not induce labor. There is no science behind the myth that spicy food, Chinese food, red wine, eggplant, or castor oil can bring baby sooner.

  Sex is another issue. Semen contains a high concentration of prostaglandins and prostaglandins are often used for cervical ripening and induction of labor. Nipple stimulation during sex can also cause contractions and may help bring on labor if the cervix is already ripe. Husbands, inducing labor this way may be hard work, but—hey—somebody’s gotta do it.

  IS IT TRUE THAT WHEN YOU PUT YOUR ARMS UP WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT, THE UMBILICAL CORD WRAPS AROUND THE BABY’S NECK?

  I get anxious every time the subject of an umbilical cord around the neck comes up. I flash back to an emergency delivery that I had to do in an elevator at the hospital back when I was a resident. A patient came into the ER who was about to deliver, but we thought there was time enough to get her upstairs to labor and delivery. So, accompanied by a nursing student and a “BOA kit” (Baby-on-Arrival kit), up we went. While entering the elevator, the woman pointed between her legs and said in Spanish, “El bebe, el bebe.” With the elevator doors closing, I had to do the delivery right there, but the cord was wrapped tightly around the baby’s neck. I was able to get the cord over the baby’s head, but the baby was a little blue when it came out. The BOA kit comes with a bulb syringe to clean out the baby’s nose and mouth, but the frantic nursing student had ripped it open and the bulb syringe had fallen on the floor. Luckily, by the time she finally found the syringe, the baby had turned a healthy pink and let go with a reassuringly robust cry. When the elevator doors finally opened, the poor nursing student went crying to the ER, and I was left to be mocked by the labor and delivery nurses for arriving in such a frantic state.

  In approximately 20 percent of all births, the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck. This is called a nuchal cord and usually causes no problems. A nuchal cord is caused by fetal movements. It certainly has nothing to do with anything that the mother has done, especially her arm movements. So, pregnant ladies, in the words of Grandmaster Flash, “Throw your hands in the air! And wave ’em like you just don’t care!”

  IS THERE ANY SUREFIRE WAY TO DETERMINE THE SEX OF THE BABY?

  There is a very long list of mythical methods for determining the sex of your unborn child, such as:

  More fetal kicking indicates a boy.

  More early pregnancy morning sickness indicates a girl.

  Sexual position at conception can affect whether you have a male or female child.

  If the fetal heart rate is fast, you will have a boy; if it’s slow, a girl.

  Carrying high, it will be a boy, carrying low, a girl.

  Mix urine with Drano, and if it turns green, it’s a boy.

  Using the Chinese lunar calendar to determine sex.

  Hold a wedding ring on a string—if it moves like a pendulum, a boy. If it spins in a circle, a girl.

  Unfortunately, none of these old wives’ tales have been scientifically validated. If you want certainty, you need an amniocentesis. Modern ultrasound can also determine fetal sex.

  The sex of the baby is determined at conception, and we have no control over choosing the sex at that moment either. The father can actually take credit for the gender as the sex of your baby is determined by the dad’s sperm. If sperm carrying an X-chromosome fertilizes the egg, the baby will be a girl, and if sperm carrying a Y-chromosome fertilizes the egg, you will be the parent of a boy.

  CAN YOU BREAST-FEED WITH FAKE BOOBS?

  In 2004, approximately 334,000 breast augmentations were performed, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS). The largest percentage of breast augmentation surgeries occur in women between the ages of nineteen and thirty-four. That’s a whole lotta fake boobies!! (Read in an Adam Sandler voice.)

  We have frequently been asked: Can you breast-feed after a boob job? Despite the large number of these surgeries, few medical studies have researched this issue. The only available studies clearly indicate a greater incidence of insufficient lactation among augmented women compared with nonaugmented women. The type of surgical approach is especially important in determining whether breast-feeding may be a problem. In most breast augmentations, one of three types of incisions is made: an incision underneath the breast, an incision around the lower edge of the nipple (areola), or an incision within the armpit. The third type of incision is significantly associated with lactation insufficiency. Surgical technique is also key, as the ability to breast-feed may be impaired when too many milk ducts are severed.

  3:50 P.M.

  Gberg: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I spoke to Penny yesterday and warned her that now she is vulnerable to our IM insults in the book.

  Leyner: Penny—she doesn’t deserve our bilious insults like Carrie does.

  Gberg: She said her husband wondered if any diseases could swim upstream while peeing in a public urinal.

  Leyner: WHAT?

  Gberg: Like salmon going to lay their eggs?

  Gberg: Did I say public rinal? Is there another kind?

  Leyner: Of course…private urinals.

  Gberg: You need a membership card.

  Leyner: Isn’t that a Tina Turner song? “Private Urinal”?

  Gberg: Yes, please serenade me!

  Leyner: Saving Private Urinal…Spielberg’s attempt at depicting the homoerotic splendors of the Port Authority men’s room…

  Leyner: Ahead of its time…

  Gberg: A classic.

  Gberg: I also wondered why they called those things urinal cakes.

  3:55 P.M.

  Gberg: Not much like dessert.

  Leyner: I thought they were like those little British tea sandwiches.

  Gberg: Cucumber sandwiches and urinal cakes. Doesn’t get classier than that.

  Gberg: That’s klassy with a k.

  Leyner: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!!! Lord Nelson would be proud of YOU right now. Grog, a urinal cake, and a cat-o’-nine-tails…You got an afternoon’s delight right there, sailor.

  Gberg: Skyrockets in flight.

  Leyner: Remember that scene in that Will Ferrell Anchorman movie where they s
ing that in the office?

  Leyner: Brilliant.

  Gberg: You were supposed to respond…“Afternoon Delight.”

  Leyner: I’m singing it.

  Leyner: You just can’t “hear” me because we’re IMing.

  Gberg: Yes. I still love when he’s so thirsty and drinks the milk.

  Gberg: Milk was a bad choice!

  Leyner: It’s one of those philosophical conundrums akin to the unheard tree falling in the woods.

  Leyner: Do you ever drink milk?

  Gberg: Only when I want a lot of mucus!

  Leyner: I want a lot of mucus!!!

  4:00 P.M.

  Leyner: I’m very acquisitive.

  Gberg: Actually that’s not true. We are going to answer that question in the book.

  Leyner: I want a lot of money and A LOT OF MUCUS.

  Leyner: Milk doesn’t give me mucus…if you need definitive empirical data on the subject.

  Leyner: Milk gives me a great sense of blithe optimism. So does Vicodin, come to think of it.

  Leyner: Carrie gives me a lot of mucus.

  Gberg: Gives me a sense of Blythe Danner.

  Leyner: Everytime I hear the name “Carrie” and the phrase “Where is the manuscript?” I hawk up an enormous loogie.

  Gberg: I think our next project together should be a musical.

  4:05 P.M.

  Leyner: You know that French skank who fed her face to her own dog and then got a transplant. If ever there was an obvious case of Münchausen’s syndrome, that was it.

  Leyner: I’m making myself laugh a lot here, by the way.

  Gberg: Good, I’m glad you are entertaining yourself.

  Gberg: Hey, I am working on the pregnancy chapter. Did you ever read that breast-feeding and fake boobs article?