by Mark Leyner
Leyner: No, not yet…I’m sticking to my assigned purviews.
Leyner: Tell me about it…
Gberg: I was hoping you were going to add some great humor but thanks for nothing.
4:10 P.M.
Leyner: I can read it right now, if you want.
Leyner: Give me ten minutes.
Gberg: No, do your sections. I don’t want to distract a master at work.
Leyner: And we’ll discuss…like Oprah’s Book Club.
Leyner: Do you think…
Gberg: I still can’t get over that Frey rolling over and playing dead.
Gberg: He acted like Amber Frey.
Leyner: Do you think that a mother who’s had breast augmentation has an ethical obligation to tell her pubescent daughter…so that the daughter can factor that into her expectation for how big her breasts might grow to be?
Leyner: Frey’s an embarrassment to all liars everywhere.
Gberg: He deserves a good flogging.
Leyner: He’s a trembling craven weasel. He should have jumped Oprah on that show and kicked her ass…like a Jerry Springer show.
Gberg: Or at least jumped on the couch like Tom Cruise.
Leyner: If you ever catch me telling the truth in print…flog me and then throw me overboard with a fat nursing mother shackled to my ankle.
4:15 P.M.
Leyner: You didn’t answer my question about the mom with the boob job and the pubescent daughter.
Gberg: I promise.
Leyner: Plastic surgery makes it impossible for children to extrapolate what they’re going to look like.
Gberg: Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the mom with the boob job, and the prepubescent daughter?
Gberg: Doesn’t make sense to extrapolate anyway. Genetics is some crazy stuff.
Leyner: You can’t just look at your own parents…you might have the boobs of your grandma…is that what you’re saying?
Gberg: Ever see pictures of some models with their mothers and the mother looks like a carnival freak who just escaped from a trailer park?
Gberg: Oh man, those steam pipes are banging again at my house. They are driving me crazy.
Leyner: You’re getting me all hot and bothered…I was picturing myself in a room at the Ritz Carleton in San Juan with a model and her carnival freak mother…
Leyner: I’m slathering that Spanish caramel gook all over the trailer park mom.
Gberg: We should go away somewhere to work on this beast of a book and put it to rest.
Leyner: What’s that stuff called…dulce something or other.
Gberg: Dulce de leche.
4:20 P.M.
Gberg: Do you know how they make it?
Leyner: Yes…dulce de leche is excellent slathered on the pale hairless bodies of carnival freaks.
Leyner: How do they make it, Rachael?
Gberg: You just take an unopened can of condensed milk and stick it in a pot of water for an hour.
Leyner: And…
Gberg: Tastes delicious with a fine decanted Propel.
Leyner: Ummmmm…
Leyner: What a great idea…a guide to Propel for the connosier…(how do you spell THAT?!)
Gberg: Love that new mango Propel.
Leyner: What flavors of Propel best complement various dishes?
Gberg: Connoisseur.
Leyner: E.g., grilled baby octopus…that would be kiwi-strawberry Propel.
Gberg: We could write a Propel cookbook.
Gberg: Grape Propel is the best substitute for pinot noir.
Leyner: You don’t want something as robust as say, black cherry Propel…which I’d drink with short ribs or a pork belly sandwich.
4:25 P.M.
Leyner: Lemon for a cleansing enema.
Gberg: Lemon goes well with swordfish with a papaya salsa.
Gberg: Or an enema.
Leyner: Swordfish with papaya salsa…OR an enema.
Leyner: Rachael Ray…you’re in our way.
Gberg: Propel and papaya salsa after a swordfish enema.
Leyner: Do you know the story about the man who was sitting on a toilet in the Port Authority men’s room—and a swordfish who’d gotten lost somehow and had wandered from the Atlantic into the Hudson River and somehow errantly swam into the NYC sewer system—swam up the toilet and buried its sword into the anus hole of the hapless defecating man…remember that?
Gberg: You are a troubled young man.
4:30 P.M.
Leyner: I’m somnambulant and pure energy and my business parts are as sweet as dulce de leche.
Leyner: I’m an INCUBUS.
Gberg: What is an incubus?
Leyner: A spirit that has sexual intercourse with women while they are sleeping.
Gberg: Well, that you are.
Leyner: Thank you.
Gberg: All right, I have to get back to answering some of these darn questions.
Leyner: OK. It was nice chatting with you. You are charming and erudite.
Gberg: You are erudite and charming.
Leyner: You know what the female version of an incubus is?
Gberg: A succubus.
Leyner: Bingo.
Gberg: Take that, Alex Trebek.
Leyner: Bye. Have a nice life.
Leyner: I mean it. I’m so outta here.
CAN YOU BREAST-FEED WITH NIPPLE PIERCING?
We have actually been asked if nipple piercing will result in a lawn-sprinkler effect when you lactate. There is no evidence to suggest that a woman’s pierced nipples will have any effect on her ability to breast-feed. That is, if there haven’t been any complications resulting from the procedure. Infection and scarring are frequent complications after nipple piercing.
It is hard to imagine a pierced mother not removing the nipple ring prior to breast-feeding, but alas, some insist on keeping themselves festooned despite recommendations to the contrary. In these cases, breast-feeding difficulties include poor latch, gagging, and milk leaking from the baby’s mouth. But if you insist on wearing your jewelry, make sure that it is firmly attached, since you definitely don’t want the baby to swallow it and choke!
DO YOUR FEET REALLY GROW WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT?
There is a whole lot of growing going on in pregnancy. Most growth is done by the little baby inside, but some of the growth is passed on to Mom. The belly and the boobs are the most obvious, but the extra weight caused in pregnancy also increases pressure on a pregnant woman’s feet.
Hormonal changes are also occurring that relax the ligaments in the body to prepare for delivery. The specifics of these hormonal changes are not fully understood, but one hormone, relaxin, is thought to contribute to the loosening of ligaments in the pelvis and elsewhere.
The work of gravity and relaxin cause the arch of the foot to lose its strength and the tissue on the bottom of the foot, the plantar fascia, to stretch. All of this makes the foot grow wider and flatter during pregnancy. The feet can even grow by more than one shoe size.
After delivery, the body begins to return to normal and many of these changes reverse themselves. If the changes were extreme during pregnancy and the ligaments were significantly stretched, the increased shoe size could be permanent.
WHY DID RABBITS DIE IN OLD PREGNANCY TESTS?
Hopefully most of you have forgotten the 1978 film Rabbit Test, directed by Joan Rivers, starring Billy Crystal as the world’s first pregnant man. If you haven’t heard of it, know this, it should have died like the rabbits in the early pregnancy tests.
The original pregnancy test really was a “rabbit test” and the rabbit always died. In the 1920s, scientists discovered a hormone known as human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) that was produced early in pregnancy. It was also discovered that when injected into certain animals, the hCG would cause changes in animal ovaries. The first test, discovered by Selmar Aschheim and Bernhard Zondek, was performed on mice. In 1931, Maurice H. Friedman refined the test by using rabbits, and the rabbit or Friedman test was born. Human urine wa
s injected into a rabbit and forty-eight hours later, the rabbit was killed and its ovaries were examined to determine if the person was pregnant or not.
Modern pregnancy tests are still based on measuring the amount of hCG present in urine or blood, without the use of a rabbit. The first home pregnancy tests were approved in 1976. Raucous celebrations were held in many rabbit families.
WHY DO YOU GET HAIRIER WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT?
Many women notice that the hair on their head is thicker during pregnancy. They also may notice some new growth on their chin, upper lip, cheeks, breasts, belly, arms, legs, and back. Don’t worry, this growth is often subtle, and you won’t end up looking like a Wookie.
Pregnancy-induced hair growth usually develops during the first trimester. Just like most pregnancy changes, it is caused by a change in hormones. This growth usually abates six months after delivery. Some women may notice increased shedding of hair during this period. This is simply your body adjusting as hormone levels return to normal.
DO PREGNANT WOMEN REALLY GLOW?
If a pregnant woman asks her husband, “Am I glowing?” there is only one answer: “Yes, dear.”
Don’t worry about lying; the pregnancy glow actually exists and has a biological basis. In pregnancy, blood volume increases by almost 50 percent. This increased blood volume causes the cheeks of women to take on a reddish blush. Pregnancy hormones also cause increased secretions from the oil glands, and this leaves the face nice and shiny. The end result…a beautiful glow.
But not all of pregnancy’s dermatological changes are pleasant. We already mentioned that you can get hairier. You also may develop spider veins in your legs from the increased blood flow and hormones.
Skin over the stretching abdomen can become very itchy, and you also may be unlucky enough to develop PUPP or pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy. This is a fancy term for itchy bumps that develop in the second half of pregnancy on the abdomen, thighs, butt, and legs of about 1 percent of pregnant women.
WHY DO YOUR NIPPLES TURN BROWN IN PREGNANCY?
If you have dark skin, you may have brown nipples before pregnancy, but many pregnant women of all complexions notice that their nipples have become somewhat darker.
As we keep mentioning, pregnancy causes changes in hormone levels, duh! In this case, an increase in estrogen levels and melanocyte-stimulating hormone (MSH) levels causes the changes. MSH acts on melanocytes. These are cells within the skin that determine the degree of pigmentation. The face and the belly are two areas where darkening of the skin can be most noticeable.
Some pregnant women experience the “mask of pregnancy” or chloasma, an array of brownish or yellowish patches on the facial skin, unevenly distributed on the forehead, temples, and middle of the face. This is more common in women with dark hair and pale skin. Chloasma cannot be prevented, but you can minimize the intensity of these darkened areas by limiting your exposure to sunlight. These marks will usually fade completely after delivery.
Then there is the dark line on the belly, the linea negra. In many women, there is a normal faint (barely visible) white line, the linea alba, running from the navel to the center of their pubic bone. During pregnancy in the second trimester, extra pigment in the skin causes a darkening of this line. The linea nigra is darker in darker-skinned women and fades after delivery too.
WHAT CAUSES SEVERE LEG CRAMPS AT NIGHT DURING PREGNANCY?
Has your pregnant wife begged you to rub her legs? Have you noticed that occasionally she shakes her leg like a dog having its belly rubbed?
Here is another problem that women experience in pregnancy, the presence of leg cramps. Some women also can get an uncomfortable, jittery sensation running in both legs known as restless leg syndrome. These conditions are intermittent but they can be very disturbing, particularly at night.
Leg cramps have always been a difficult condition for doctors to treat. Leg cramps affect almost half of all pregnant women, but the cause of leg cramps during pregnancy is not fully understood. Leg cramps are more common in the second and third trimesters of pregnancy and happen most often at night. Cramps may be the result of the extra weight carried during this time and the pressure that it places on the legs. Changes in circulation also can affect the legs. Some older theories have been that deficiencies in salt, magnesium, or calcium caused these cramps but no study has shown any connection to calcium. Sodium supplementation might decrease the number of leg cramps in pregnancy but the effect is very small. The benefit for magnesium is stronger. Magnesium supplementation (magnesium lactate or citrate) might help and low doses shouldn’t be harmful. Be sure, however, to ask your doctor before taking any supplements.
Other simple tips for leg cramps include:
Stay well hydrated.
Stretch and massage your calf muscles.
Exercise.
Blame your husband for getting you into this mess!
IS IT TRUE THAT BABIES CAN BE BORN WITH TEETH?
Sounds like a scene from a horror film. A baby is delivered and opens its mouth to reveal a full set of chompers. Then the little devil begins to chew his way through the delivery room staff….
It ain’t gonna happen! But scary as it sounds, babies can be born with teeth. They are called natal teeth and these teeth are present at the time of birth. Neonatal teeth erupt within thirty days of delivery.
Natal teeth generally develop on the lower gum and there are usually only two or three of them. They don’t have strong roots and are often loose. Natal teeth are uncommon, and found in only one in every two thousand to six thousand births. Natal teeth may cause irritation and trauma to the infant’s tongue while he or she is nursing. They also may be uncomfortable for a nursing mother. (No kidding!)
If the natal teeth are loose, they should be removed shortly after birth while the newborn infant is still in the hospital. A loose natal tooth could be swallowed and the child could be at risk for aspiration.
SHOULD PREGNANT WOMEN AVOID CATS AND KITTY LITTER?
This is all about toxoplasmosis, an infection caused by a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. Cat feces and kitty litter are a major source of toxoplasmosis since cats are a natural host for this parasite that reproduces in their intestines. Toxoplasmosis can also be found in raw or undercooked meat or in contaminated soil. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimate that only about 15 percent of women of childbearing age are immune to toxoplasmosis. The infection caused by the parasite is minor in healthy individuals, but the risk lies in the fact that this infection could be passed on to your baby.
An estimated four hundred to four thousand cases of congenital toxoplasmosis occur in the United States each year. Congenital toxoplasmosis can cause miscarriage, stillbirth, or death shortly after birth. Congenital toxoplasmosis can also affect your baby’s brain, causing mental retardation, seizures, blindness, and death.
Don’t fear: most cases of congenital toxoplasmosis can be prevented by educating women of childbearing age and pregnant women to avoid eating raw or undercooked meat, and wear gloves while gardening and, if possible, have someone else change the kitty litter. (If you’re pregnant and you have to clean the cat’s commode, try to wear gloves and be sure to wash carefully.)
CAN SQUIRTING BREAST MILK IN A BABY’S EYE HELP A CLOGGED TEAR DUCT?
This question came from Billy’s sister, who gained nationwide notoriety during an embarrassing moment on The Today Show, when Matt Lauer revealed that she referred to her brother as “Dummy Doctor.” So how does she expect Dummy Doctor to be able to answer obscure questions like this one? She should know that there is no class in medical school on the ocular applications of breast milk.
We were able to find some references to the therapeutic uses of breast milk. Human breast milk contains various antimicrobial compounds. Some of these compounds have been shown to fight off bacteria such as Escherichia coli, Salmonella enteritidis, and Staphylococcus epidermidis.
If your baby has a clogged tear duct, the fir
st step is to see your pediatrician. The doctor will probably teach you to gently wipe the yellow discharge out of your baby’s eyes and to massage the tear ducts. You also can apply breast milk if you are breast-feeding. All you need to do is express a couple drops of your milk onto the tip of a clean finger and gently place them in the corner of the draining eye.
CAN SLEEPING ON YOUR BACK HURT THE BABY?
When a pregnant woman arrives at the hospital in labor, we tell her to lie on her left side rather than lying flat on her back. The rationale behind this is that on your back, the baby can cause compression of the vena cava, a major blood vessel that passes under the uterus. During labor, a contraction itself can reduce blood flow to the baby and that compression on this vessel can exacerbate this decrease in blood flow.
A healthy baby can tolerate this without any difficulty, especially if you are not in labor. So don’t worry if you sleep on your back. Get rest while you still have a chance.
WHY SHOULDN’T PREGNANT WOMEN DYE THEIR HAIR?
There are several studies that look at the relationship between maternal hair dyes and childhood diseases, including childhood brain tumors. Don’t expect to find any information that praises the health benefits of hair dyeing, but you won’t find any evidence that it is particularly dangerous either.
Even though there are no studies linking hair dyes to any prenatal toxicity, many conservative doctors tell their patients to pass on going platinum until after the baby is born. The truth is that it is probably fine to get some highlights and an occasional color rinse, but you probably shouldn’t soak your head in a vat of dye nightly—plus, your hair would fall out.
WILL PLAYING MUSIC TO YOUR BABY MAKE IT CALMER, SMARTER, AND HEALTHIER?
We had to send Leyner—that polyglot punk—to the Bulgarian literature on this one. In a 2004 edition of Akusherstvo i Ginekologiia he came across an article about the “Effect of Music on Fetal Behavior.” This study found that music stimulation did cause changes in fetal heart rate and body movement. Other studies have tried to evaluate whether exposure to music in utero could lead to fetal learning and they found similar responses.