“Neither can I,” I admitted, and it was the truth.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is…,” she said with a deep intake of air, “I love you, I love you so much it hurts me how stupid it makes me feel even thinking about it. But it’s true and it’s so infuriating but I can’t help it.”
I smiled slightly at her words and wiped away the tears that were flowing in a constant stream now. “I actually think I love you more.”
She laughed lightly, one that revealed more of the tears that were hiding way inside and I sighed, my own eyes burning. I lowered my lips to her forehead and held it there for a moment, breathing in that classical smell I didn’t get the chance to appreciate as much as I wanted to. I pulled away and but pulled her closer, pressing my lips against hers, feeling all the emotions of earlier pour out without words but pour out with all the feelings of the past week I couldn’t describe. It was painful but so sweet at the same time.
I pulled away and pressed my forehead to hers. I kept my eyes closed for a few moments more, hoping to stay firmly fixed in this moment forever. But I knew that was impossible on a grandeur scale.
“The way you saw me tonight, that’s not how I want you to perceive me,” Avery said in a quiet whisper, a second after opening her eyes. “I left that life behind.”
I pulled her into a hug just so I could feel her warmth some more. “As much as I want to think of you as a badass, I can’t. I know beyond that.”
After a long moment, Avery pulled away and looked at me with a wider smile than before, but it was the epitome of sadness and wistfulness. In another dimension, things would be different. The things that broke us wouldn’t even be in existence and all of our flaws wouldn’t be a defining factor of our relationship.
“I love you so much,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “And that’s why I can’t pull you further into this. I can’t let this hurt you anymore. This isn’t over, trust me, and I want you to escape.”
I nodded, swiping discretely at my own eyes. “I never thought I’d agree with something so stupid,” I said with a sad laugh.
Avery looked a little taken aback that I agreed with her and her smile remained, regardless of how sad and broken it looked. “I’m sure this isn’t the end for us.”
“It’s not.”
“All the girls back home will be happy.”
I took a moment to respond, the fact that she wouldn’t be coming back seeping deep into my subconscious, making my head throb and my heart twist uncontrollably. “I won’t be happy.”
She looked up at the sky for a moment before shaking her head at me. “I want you to be happy. That’s all I want.”
I wanted to say that I couldn’t be happy without her, but really, it wouldn’t change much. It would only make us both ache more and that wasn’t my intention—in the slightest.
“It’ll be so different,” I mused thoughtfully, hoping to prolong the conversation.
Avery stepped closer to me once more and wrapped me in a tight embrace, so much so that I felt the pain radiating from her. I clamped my eyes shut and hugged her with the same fervor, trying to cling to the past but well aware it couldn’t come with me.
“You said earlier, ‘how can you kill someone without physically killing them’?” she asked tiredly. “I think we’ve found out the answer.”
I pressed my lips together, trying to find a response. But I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t. There was nothing else I could say. Everything necessary was already said.
“I’m so happy I met you,” she whispered, taking a step back from me.
I nodded, blinking away the moisture in my eyes. I couldn’t say anything; I just pulled her closer to me, wanting to hug her until I couldn’t anymore.
So, I did.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shamika Lindsay has been reading books as long as she can remember, in fact, before she could even read she’d constantly antagonize her parents day in, day out to reread the same stories for her over and over again. That love of reading developed into a love of writing in the later years. With her skills carefully honed by a variety of mentors, she was able to grow in more ways than one. Shamika resides in Kingston, Jamaica where ever so often, she curls up with her laptop and some snacks to create a whole new world.
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