by Lori Foster
“I … have scars. Horrible ones from the delivery of the baby.”
“Liv, I don’t care about scars, inside or out.” He tried to keep his tone soft, reassuring. “I only care about pleasing you.”
“It’s just that, I haven’t been with someone since then.” She closed her eyes. “I’m just … afraid. The scars—”
He kissed her lightly on the lips and lifted his head. “Every part of you is more beauty than I deserve. Don’t belittle yourself because of your past or the reminders you still carry with you.”
When she lifted her lids and looked at him with hope in her eyes, she said, “Make me forget.”
Without hesitation, Colin captured her lips once again. He didn’t rush, didn’t take control. Livie had to remain in charge and comfortable with this decision. She may put up a strong front but beneath that steely exterior lay a vulnerable woman, and Colin thanked God she’d chosen him to open up to.
Nerves fluttered in his stomach. He and Livie had never made love when they’d dated before. She’d insisted on waiting until they were married. But that never happened.
No, he would not dwell on his past mistake of leaving the best thing that had ever happened to him. This was a second chance for both of them, and he was going to take hold with both hands and hang on.
Tonight. Right now, he would make love with the one woman who obviously still held his heart. He’d wondered when he’d come back to town how he’d feel if he ran into her again. He figured tension was inevitable, but beyond that, he really had had no clue.
Well, now he knew. They were combustible. The slow, easy pace was killing him, but he wouldn’t rush. Not only did Livie need the gentle intimacy, but he wanted this to last as long as possible.
“Wait.” Painful as it was, he pulled back. “The windows.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh, God. I completely forgot where we were.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He took her hands and led her back inside. “You’re still sure?”
She squeezed his hands. “For tonight, I don’t want to think about anything else but this. Whatever else is wrong in my life, past or present, doesn’t have a place here.”
Even though he wanted to go slow, he couldn’t make that long journey down the hall into his bedroom. He led her to the oversized leather sectional sofa in the living room and settled into the corner. His heart warmed at her words, and he lifted his arms in invitation.
With her delicate hands in his, he almost felt clumsy, but she eased down beside him, the soft leather groaning beneath their weight, and he knew this was right. Everything about this moment was meant to be. This beautiful, broken woman was giving a piece of herself to him, and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was at this moment.
He’d never dreamed his vivacious Livie would ever question herself or find negativity in life. But something deeper, almost sinister, lurked during that gap when he’d been gone. Thankfully, though, she’d put it aside for now. Colin had slid through a crack in the barrier she kept resurrected around herself. Hopefully, he could knock the whole thing down.
With an easy manner, Colin removed her simple white sundress. After she assisted him in removing his clothing as well, she remained in control but increased the pace.
Hands explored, eyes roamed. So many years he’d wondered how this would be. So many times he’d cursed himself for leaving her behind. And he’d left her behind only because he’d thought they were too young, too serious, and he’d wanted to explore the world.
None of that now. If she was leaving the worries and questions of the world outside, then he would, too. He concentrated on each touch, each taste, each soft sigh from her lips.
When they came together as one, Colin knew in his heart there was no way he’d ever let this woman get away again. He wasn’t a fool.
Their lovemaking was more than he’d ever hoped for, more than he’d dreamed. But he still hadn’t had enough of her. Not even close.
As he lay there, half reclined into the corner of the sofa with Livie resting against his chest, he realized she may only be looking for a distraction, but he wanted to provide her with so much more. He wanted to be the one she turned to when she was sad, when those past memories came back in full force. He wanted to know what he could do to make her days better, to make her look only toward the future.
A future he wanted to share with her.
“Tell me this wasn’t a one-time thing.”
His own private thoughts penetrated the silence, but he wasn’t sorry he’d spoken without thinking. He needed to provide her with total honesty.
Liv lifted her head and looked into his eyes. “It can’t be more, Colin. I just don’t have any more in me to give.”
When she tried to ease off his lap, he held tight. “I don’t believe that. You give so much to others, why not allow yourself the chance to see what you can have? I want to see where we can go with this.”
She put a hand to his chest. “It can’t go beyond this couch. I’m not the same person you left behind, Colin. I’m damaged. Yes, I’ve overcome my problems, but my heart is not capable of taking on any more pain.”
He tamped down the jab of pain at her words.
“Who says I’ll cause you pain? Maybe I want to help you overcome whatever nightmare you’re still living every day.”
“Nightmare?” She jerked out of his grasp and clambered off his lap. “You have no idea the nightmare I live each day. I killed my baby, Colin. I killed her, and at the time, I didn’t care. All I wanted was my next high.”
Guilt tightened in his chest. “I’m sorry, Livie. I didn’t realize. I just wanted—”
“What?” she shouted. “What do you want? Do you want to know that I was so strung out on meth that I didn’t even realize I’d been cut open and my child had been removed?”
“Liv, don’t do this.” Colin came to his feet, reached for his pants, and pulled them on. “Don’t blame yourself.”
Still naked, now sobbing and pointing to the X-like scar high on her abdomen, Livie continued like he hadn’t even spoken.
“Do you see this? The baby was so far up, the doctor had to cut me open, go in, and pull her out. I didn’t even feel pain afterward or the following day because of all the drugs in my system. I hemorrhaged so much, I cannot carry another child or I run the risk of not only killing the baby, I could die myself.”
Colin stepped closer, gathered Olivia into his arms. She crumbled against his chest. Warm tears hit his bare skin, burning a hole straight through to his heart. Not only had she dealt with getting hooked on drugs, but she’d lost a baby and her own mother. No wonder she shied away from any kind of intimacy.
In his career as a cop and now as a detective, he’d dealt with many drug abusers and dealers. Never once had he felt sorry for them. In his eyes, they’d brought everything upon themselves.
But right now, Livie needed compassion and mercy. He wanted to give her both, but she had to get to a point where she was able to forgive herself before she could accept anything from anyone else.
“I d-don’t remember her,” she muffled against his chest after several long minutes of silence, save for her crying. “That’s the w-worst part. I don’t remember anything. All I remember is thinking how tiny the casket was.”
Colin guided her back to the couch and eased her down onto his lap. Had anyone consoled her like this since the terrible tragedy? Was there anyone in her life now that realized all of this was still bottled up inside her?
And then it hit him.
“Livie,” he whispered. “This happened how long after I left?”
“Two years.”
“Was the baby’s father on drugs, too? Is he the one who got you hooked?”
When she only nodded, Colin felt both sorrow and rage. How in the hell had this innocent, strong-willed young woman gotten turned on to such an evil, deadly way of life? It was a wonder she hadn’t died herself. Of course, a piece of her had with the death of her daughter. Ava.<
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“Did you name your baby?” Colin asked. “It’s so beautiful and meaningful.”
Livie lifted her head, smiled through the tears. “I did. I had a baby name book and was actually excited. I loved the name, but I loved the meaning even more. I wanted my child to be able to fly away, to dream and soar and do anything she wanted to do when she got older.”
Colin couldn’t stand the pain reflecting in her eyes. He swiped each cheek with the pad of his thumbs. “There was still good in you for you to be anticipating the birth of your daughter, to pick out such a powerful name.”
Her smile fell; her eyes closed. “No. There’s no good in someone who refuses to give up an addiction for the sake of a child. It’s selfish and irresponsible.”
What could he say? Hadn’t he always thought that of the overdosed, pregnant drug addicts who’d come into the station? He’d considered himself hardened after all his years as a cop, but he found himself softening second by second, teardrop by teardrop. Things weren’t always black and white; Livie was a shade of gray.
At this point, all he could do was hold her and listen as she poured out years of bottled-up anger, resentment, guilt, and sorrow. She’d literally been through hell. No wonder she wanted to push him away. But giving up wasn’t an option.
“What can I do?” he whispered.
She shook her head, sniffed. “Nothing can be done. I just wanted, no, needed, you to understand why we can’t be anything more than this one-time thing.”
“I disagree. Now, more than ever, you need to be with someone who cares for you.” He forced himself to remain calm. Yelling at her wouldn’t do one bit of good. “If you’re not interested in taking this further, that’s one thing. I happen to believe you’re still punishing yourself and you won’t allow any happiness in your life.”
Livie eased back, searched his face. He could only hope his eyes revealed his true emotions. But he was also realistic. She hadn’t fully healed, and she wouldn’t do so tonight. But he would stick out this storm.
“I get happiness each time I help a pregnant teen go back to her parents. I get happiness when I find employment for a homeless father with two young kids. And I definitely get happiness when I get a drug abuser into a program and they are successful in getting and staying clean.”
Colin brushed his knuckles across her tearstained cheek and slid her soft blond hair over her shoulder. “But who do you go home to at night? Who do you confide in when you’re having a bad day? Who do you spend holidays with?”
Without a word, Livie came to her feet, gathered her dress off the floor, and jerked it over her head. Colin didn’t dare move, even when she disappeared into the kitchen and came back with her purse, then slid into her tiny sandals.
She was pushing this moment, and him, away. This intimacy they shared that he knew was so much more than a one-night stand. Which just proved to him she wanted more. If she didn’t care about the intimate moment that had just occurred, she wouldn’t be so shaken up right now. Granted, she was upset because of dredging up her past, but she couldn’t even look at him.
“I don’t need anybody, Colin.” She opened his front door then looked over her shoulder. “Don’t try to save someone who doesn’t want to be.”
five
Olivia had to force herself to go to work. The fund-raiser had come and gone and, as usual, was a huge success. Ava’s Haven ended up raising thirty-one thousand dollars between the poker tournament, private donations, and the items auctioned.
Now that the chaotic weekend was over, Olivia had time on her hands to reflect on her evening with Colin. She didn’t believe he was simply acting on feelings from their past. She feared he was truly falling for her … if he hadn’t already.
But how could he? They’d been reacquainted for less than a week.
Even so, she couldn’t lie to herself. She’d felt something she’d experienced only one other time. Colin always made her feel safe, loved, and cherished—both then and now.
How fair would it be, though, for Colin to be stuck with her? She couldn’t provide kids for him, she was practically married to her job, and the nightmares that still consumed her would only trickle over into his life.
So why was she even contemplating this? No. Absolutely nothing could come from the evening they’d spent together. But she had those amazing memories to hold on to for the rest of her life.
His taste still lingered on her lips, and the way he looked at her, like she was the most precious person in his life, sent tingles racing down her spine. God, she could still feel his strong jawline and stubble beneath her touch.
She glanced down, found herself rubbing the tips of her fingers against her palms.
The tap on her door jerked Olivia from her all-consuming thoughts. “Come in.”
Carly stood in her doorway. Her shirt hung off one shoulder, nasty red welts ran down her arm, and one eye was swollen and bruised.
Panic gripped Olivia. She jumped to her feet and came around her desk. “Carly, what happened?”
“I was on my way out of that doctor’s office where you’d set me up an interview.” Carly let Olivia lead her to a worn leather chair in the corner. “I was jumped by two girls who I used to hang with.”
Olivia went to the water cooler in the opposite corner and filled a small white cup. “How did you get away?”
“Your friend happened to be driving by. He picked me up and brought me here.”
She passed the cup. “My friend? Who?”
“Me.”
Olivia turned to see Colin in her doorway. As usual, he had on dark jeans and his shoulder holster, but today he’d donned a navy blue button-down shirt that perfectly matched his eyes.
“Th-Thank you.”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked.
She knew he meant alone. “Carly, will you be okay if I step out for a minute?”
The young girl nodded. “I’m fine now, just shaky. Go ahead.”
Olivia offered a smile. “I’ll be right back.”
Leading him into a small break room next to her office, Olivia waited until he entered before she closed the door. “I can’t thank you enough for bringing her in.”
He shrugged. “I’m just glad I was running late for work this morning or I wouldn’t have been able to help.”
She studied him for a moment. The creases around the corners of his eyes, the intensity of his dark gaze. “You have a habit of saving people.”
He smiled. “Occupational hazard.”
“And what did you do with the other girls?”
“One took off when she realized who I was. I’ve got the other in custody for disturbing the peace. If Carly wants to press charges, I can add that to her list.”
Curious, Olivia asked, “How did you know Carly didn’t start the fight?”
He shrugged, rolled up his sleeves. “Because I saw how grateful she was when you came to get her the other day. I also saw how she was dressed and assumed she’d been in that office building for a good reason and wouldn’t just come out onto the street and start pummeling people.”
She couldn’t help the smile that filled her from within. “You’re a pretty good judge of character.”
“Another occupational hazard.”
Colin took a step closer. Having him so close, breathing in his fresh, masculine scent, was pure torture. His dominating presence filled the tiny break room, not to mention the fact he hadn’t taken his eyes off her since they’d come in.
“Is that all?” she asked, praying he’d nod and leave.
A corner of his mouth kicked up. “You tell me.”
Startled, Olivia stepped back. He stepped forward. The advance-retreat dance went on until she bumped her back against the wall.
“What’s all this?” he asked, looking over her head.
She knew what he’d spotted. “Those are pictures of all the people Ava’s Haven has helped over the years. The ones who’ve stayed employed, stayed sober and clean … whatever th
eir happily ever after may be. Everyone’s is different.”
Heavy-lidded eyes came back to hers. “What about your happily ever after?”
“Colin,” she whispered, holding out a hand to stop him. “Don’t.”
He lifted her fingers, kissed them one at a time. “Don’t what? Kiss you? Care about you? Love you? Too late.”
Before her knees could give way, he hooked one big, strong arm around her waist. “I’ve got you.”
Those piercing blue eyes captivated her. “For how long? How long will you put up with my past, and the day in and day out chaos of my job?”
“How long will you put up with mine?” he countered. “Our jobs aren’t so different, Livie. We both want to help people. You just go about it in a much nicer, calmer way.”
Why fight it? Why fight the fact she’d always loved this man, even though over a decade had passed? She’d thought of him every day, and here he was offering a second chance.
“What if we don’t make it?” she asked, holding on to his shirtfront.
His lips captured hers for the briefest of moments, but enough for her to have hope. Something she hadn’t had in a long, long time.
He smiled down at her, his eyes gleaming. “What if we do?”
skin deep
HEIDI BETTS
With thanks to Lori for being such a great friend and
a wonderful inspiration, and for taking me along on this great ride.
I hope we can do it again soon!
one
“Hello, Mac.”
The soft words, spoken from behind his back, caught him off guard and made him pause in the act of rearranging his equipment.
He didn’t go by the name “Mac” anymore, and no one in the small Pennsylvania town where he’d relocated a few years ago knew he’d been called that in his former life. Or his former career.
He straightened and turned slowly to find a tall, lithe blonde standing just inside the door of his downtown family photography studio. Babies and weddings and newly engaged couples—that was what he shot these days. It didn’t exactly set his soul on fire, but at least it paid the bills and kept him out of trouble.