I’d never known our father to have more than a social drink, and I didn’t know how to feel about that bit of news. I had so many questions about him, but I couldn’t ask. It would seem like I cared, and I didn’t. Much.
“Is he still with her?” It wasn’t fair to blame the woman who’d lured him away from his family, but I couldn’t help it.
“No, they split about ten years ago. Because of his drinking.”
“I bet he still has a relationship with her kids though, doesn’t he?”
“They’re his kids too,” she said softly. “Our brother and sister.”
I tried not to think about them. It was too painful. “They’re strangers to us. That’s all they’ll ever be.”
“You still have so much resentment,” she said, touching my cheek. “You have to try to let that go. That’s what I’m doing here, learning to let go. If I don’t, I’ll be right back into that shit as soon as I hit the streets again.”
Oh God, I didn’t want that for her. “I’ll support you, whatever you decide. If you want to reach out to them, I’ll understand.”
“I’m not sure yet,” she said, rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand. “It’s something I’ve been talking to my therapist about. You think you might like to come with me if I do meet them?” She looked at me, her eyes wide and hopeful. “I’m not sure I could do it alone.”
I’d been there for Katie all her life. Could I really turn my back on her now when she needed me more than ever? Of course not. I didn’t want a relationship with our half siblings, but I couldn’t begrudge Katie that if she felt it was a part of her healing process.
“Can I have some time to think about it?” I already knew what my answer would be though. If she needed my support, I’d always be there for her.
“Take all the time you need.”
“Don’t ask me to see Dad again,” I said, needing to quash that idea before she could even voice it. “I can’t do that.”
She nodded before she said, “I know what he did was wrong and he hurt us, but he’s still our father.”
He was our father. I hated to admit he’d been a good one, but that was before he’d made the decision that tore our family apart. “He stopped being my father the day he walked out on us.”
“People make mistakes, Shani.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “They deserve to be forgiven if they’re genuinely sorry, and he is. He’s spent the last eight years trying to make his life better.”
“I don’t care.” I tried like hell not to care, but a small part of me did.
“If he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, why do I?”
“What?”
“I’ve lied to you, hurt you, and even stolen from you when I was desperate. Why can you forgive me and not him?”
“He was our father. He was supposed to take care of us and be there for us, no matter what.”
“And I’m your big sister. I was supposed to take care of you too. And I failed miserably. Yet you still love and forgive me, but not him.” When I had no response, she said, “Don’t you think that has something to do with your relationship with men? The fact that you’ve never been able to commit to marriage or—”
“Stop.” I couldn’t go there now, not when I felt so vulnerable and exposed. I felt as though my sister was putting me through a therapy session I’d never wanted. I was afraid if I opened the floodgates on the shitstorm of my past, I’d never be able to close them again. “I don’t want to talk about this now.”
“Fine, don’t talk about it.” She hugged me. “But promise me you’ll at least think about it. West deserves that… and so do you.”
Chapter Nine
West
I could tell some heavy shit had gone down between Shani and her sister because she’d barely said two words on the long drive home.
When we finally pulled into the parking lot of her complex, she reached for my hand. “Will you please come up? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
I could almost see her rock-hard veneer cracking, revealing the sweet and soft girl I’d glimpsed but never had the chance to know.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t have to. She knew if she needed me, I’d be there.
I got out of the vehicle and went to meet her, pulling her against my side as I pressed the key fob to lock the doors as we walked into her building. It seemed she was in a trance as she watched me enter the code and guide her to the elevator. We were alone with our silence as we watched the digital numbers pass, carrying us to the fifth floor. But I knew we couldn’t remain quiet forever. She had to be willing to talk to me if we had any hope of breaking through the barrier she’d placed on our relationship last time.
She handed me the keys so I could open the door, and she dropped her purse on the floor as soon as we stepped inside.
I watched her sink into her sofa’s deep cushions before I said, “You want a drink?”
She shook her head, and when she looked at me, my heart broke for her. “I just need you to hold me.”
“I can do that.” I kicked off my shoes and made my way to her. Sitting down, I pulled her into my arms and let her rest her head on my chest as she curled into me.
“Katie talked to Dad.”
I waited for her to continue, but when she didn’t, I said, “That must have been rough.” I couldn’t say I was surprised. I knew overcoming addiction meant facing your past.
“She’s braver than I am,” she whispered. “I don’t think I could do that.”
I kissed the top of her head. “You’re the strongest woman I know, baby. You can do anything you want to do.”
But I didn’t know whether she’d ever have the desire to reach out to her father. I’d love to see her heal the rift or just vent her anger at him, if it meant she could finally let it go and learn to trust another man completely. Learn to trust me.
“She’s thinking of reaching out to his children too.”
She didn’t call them her siblings. She still saw them as an extension of the man who’d done her family wrong. I understood that, but I wished I could tell her they were innocent, just like her and Katie. They’d never asked to be brought into the world, and maybe they wanted to get to know their big sisters.
“I think Katie should do whatever helps her heal, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do.” She ran her hands over my stomach. “Hating someone is exhausting.”
“I’m sure it is.” I had some experience with that, but I’d never hated someone so much or for so long it shaped the person I’d become.
“Holding on to that hatred day after day, month after month, year after year…” She sighed. “Doesn’t leave much energy for living life.”
“And you deserve to have a good life, baby. You deserve to be happy.”
“I do,” she said, as though she was acknowledging it for the first time. “My mother, my father, my sister, their problems were their own. Their decisions impacted a lot of other lives, but they’re the ones who have to own them. I don’t.”
I was glad she was finally coming to terms with that. “No, you don’t.”
“I have been though, you know, owning their decisions.”
“I know.”
She plucked at my cotton shirt, and I knew she was sifting through her thoughts, deciding what she wanted to say.
“I feel drained.”
I kissed her forehead. “If you want to go to bed, I can go.”
“No!” She looked up at me. “I don’t want you to go. I want you right here with me. There are things I need to say to you.”
“Okay.” I tried not to tense up, but I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to hear what she was going to say. “I’m listening.”
“I used the club as an excuse before. I don’t think I realized it at the time, but I let it come between us because it was easier than facing my feelings for you.”
I closed my eyes, just listening. I’d never stopped loving this girl, and if she hadn’t reached out to me when she did, I didn’t know
if I’d have ever experienced the kind of contentment I was now, just holding her.
“I was in love with you,” she whispered. “But I was so afraid to be in love because the only example I’d ever seen of love ended in heartbreak. I didn’t want that to be us.”
“And you didn’t know if you could trust me.” It had been painfully obvious to me, but I needed to hear her acknowledge it too. “Because the only man you’d ever trusted let you down.”
“Right.” She tipped her head back, looking at me. “You knew that all along?”
“Yeah. And the only other woman I’d ever loved left me too.”
“Your mom?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“So you see, sweetheart, we all have our dragons to slay. It was just as hard for me to believe you wouldn’t leave me as it was for you to trust me.”
She bit her lip. “But the thing is, you never betrayed me, but I did leave you. You think we can ever get past that?”
A part of me might always fear Shani’s ghosts would come back to haunt her, but I wouldn’t let my insecurity come between us. “That’s the reason I hated your career so much. Seeing you lying in that hospital bed with a bullet hole in you…” I felt a shudder rip through me. “Hospitals remind me of—”
She cut me off with a kiss. “I know. I’m sorry I put you through that.”
“I don’t blame you. You were doing what you loved long before you met me. I had no right to ask you to quit the force. Those were my issues, my fears. I guess I was just projecting.” Our pasts had made an impression on both of us, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t overcome them.
“I love you,” she whispered, raising her lips for another kiss. “I mean it. I really love you.”
I crushed her in my embrace, breathing in those words. “I love you too, baby.”
“I’m probably going to make more mistakes—”
“Me too.” I didn’t expect her to be perfect. I just wanted her to be mine.
“But even if I do, you promise you won’t leave me?”
“Easiest promise I ever made.”
“Does that mean we’re a couple now?” she asked softly.
I chuckled. “We damn well better be.”
“We still don’t know if we’re pregnant. I have a couple of tests in the bathroom. I could go find out now.”
“Babe, you’ve been through hell today. Why don’t we wait ‘til tomorrow to find out if our lives are about to change forever?”
“Are you afraid of that?” she asked, slipping her hand under my shirt so she could stroke my chest. “Our lives changing?”
“No. If I wasn’t ready to be a dad, I wouldn’t have agreed. But you know, I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy…”
She stifled her laughter behind her hand. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. I’d really like the mother of my child to be my wife too.”
She gasped as she pulled back to look me in the eye. “You’re not asking me to marry you right now, are you?”
I saw the terror in her eyes and knew the time wasn’t right. Not when she’d just been through so much. “You think I’d do that without some big flashy ring?”
She melted against me, her sigh of relief giving her away.
“But I will someday soon, just so you know.”
“And when you do, I’ll say yes.”
My hold on her tightened. Never thought I’d see the day this girl would talk marriage without running screaming from the room. It was definitely progress. “Good to know, gorgeous.”
“Let’s go to bed,” she said, tugging on my hand as she stood.
“You tired? Feel like a nap?”
“Nope.”
I grinned. “Then you’re trying to seduce me?”
She winked. “Damn right.”
***
Shani
My hands were braced on West’s powerful chest as he filled me. I couldn’t tear my eyes off his as my smile spread. Having him below me, inside me felt so good. Pleasure coursed through my body, reminding me how much I’d been missing by trying to keep him at arm’s length.
“Hi,” I said softly.
“Hi.” He curled his hands around my hips, rocking me back and forth. “You feel so fucking good, baby.”
“You too.”
“Like we were made for each other.”
“We were.” There was no doubt in my mind about that now.
He closed his eyes, obviously reveling in the intense sensations. That connection between my body and his was inexplicable, especially now that we’d both let our guards down.
“Sound pretty sure of yourself,” he said.
“I’m sure of us.”
He flashed a smile, letting me know how happy I’d made him by acknowledging what he already knew. We were solid… and getting stronger every day. “Glad to hear it.”
I laced my fingers through his and raised his hands over his head. With him, I was able to turn it all off—my sister’s recovery, stress about work, my father—and just be with the man I loved.
I let my body take over, showing him without words how much he meant to me. He released my hands and curled his around my hips, guiding me, showing me exactly what I needed even before I knew. That was how it was with West, how it had always been, except I’d been too blind to see it. This man knew, instinctively, what I needed from him… and myself.
“Ahhhhh…” I braced my hands on the mattress, letting my head hang over his chest as he continued to provoke me with just the right force and friction. The build was slow, which made it all the more potent. Heat curled through my body, licking my skin as the jolt of completion rocked me.
He curled his arms around me when I collapsed on him, my heart pounding against his chest.
“I love you so much,” he whispered.
Those few words gave me a sense of satisfaction no physical release could because they were permanent. No matter what challenges we faced, they would remain true.
“Show me,” I said, leaning on my elbows as my hands curled around his head while my eyes met his. “Show me how much you love me.”
He didn’t give me slow, but if there was one thing I knew about my man, it was that he was unpredictable. He flipped me onto my back, ignoring my squeal of surprise, curled his hands around my knees, and pushed my legs back so I could take him fully. His thrusts were forceful, hitting the spot that made my eyes close as I gasped with the intensity of another orgasm building so soon after the first.
“I will always take care of you.”
I could see how hard he was trying to hold back, and his message was clear—he’d take care of me in and out of bed, always putting me first. I could trust this man. With my heart, my body, and my business. He wanted to be my partner in every sense, and I wanted to let him.
“Come with me.”
We were both fighting the inevitable, trying to stretch it out as long as we could. But there would be so many more nights and mornings to express how we felt about each other. I wasn’t going anywhere, and I’d finally let myself believe he wasn’t either.
He muttered a curse as his muscular body tensed before the flood of his arousal filled me. We were pulsing in unison, it seemed, and he leaned over, wrapping his arms around me as the final tremors gave way to that satiated feeling I loved.
“Be my partner,” I whispered, stroking his damp back. “Let’s open that second office, babe.”
He pulled back to look me in the eye, obviously shocked. “You’re serious?”
“I need you.” I kissed him, smiling against his lips. I knew hearing me admit that would take some getting used to, but it was true and I wasn’t shy about letting him know anymore. “You make my life, and my business, better. You know way more about the business side of things than I do.”
He shifted to his side, facing me as he propped his head in his hand and waited for me to continue.
“So,” I said, lacing my hand through his, “you can do what you do best and I can do wh
at I do best.” I winked at him. “Think about it. We’d be unstoppable.”
“Yeah, but this is your baby.”
“No,” I said, touching my stomach, wondering if we’d made a baby of our own. I wished for that with a ferocity I’d never experienced before. “This is my business. I love it and I know how blessed I am to get to do this for a living. But I can acknowledge my own weakness and recognize your strengths. Together we’re better. It’s as simple as that.”
“You’re sure this is what you want?”
Without even a moment’s hesitation, I said, “Positive.”
His smile was slow, almost reluctant, before he crushed me against his chest. “I love that we’re going to be working together. Building a future together.”
“That right there”—I buried my face in the crook of his neck with a contented sigh—“is even more important to me than building a business.”
***
West
There were tears in Shani’s eyes when she came out of the bathroom the next morning with a pregnancy test stick. I didn’t know if they were the happy or sad variety, but I braced myself for either outcome. I really wanted for us to be pregnant, but even if we weren’t, it would happen for us sooner or later.
“Well?” I asked, propping my weight on my elbow.
She dropped the stick in the trash can and dropped beside me onto the mattress with a heavy sigh. “Negative.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” I said, stroking her hair. “I know how much you want this.” I curled my hand around hers and kissed it. “But we can try next month, right?”
She was trying so hard not to cry. She’d fully let her guard down with me now, because years ago, I never would have had the privilege of witnessing her vulnerability.
“Yeah.” She sniffled. “We can try again.” She turned to me, a tiny smile teasing her lips. “And again and again. It may take countless tries before we finally get pregnant.”
“Ugh!” I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. “The sacrifices I make for you.”
In Too Deep (The Exes #8) Page 9