by E. L. Todd
The rain pelted the roof of the cab. I rolled down the window and inhaled the damp smell, the scent of home. Even though it was June, it was pouring down rain, but it was a nice reprieve from the damp humidity of New York City, and I enjoyed the fresh scent of the air. The smell of pine cones and salt filled my nostrils. The car stopped in front of Ryan’s building. I carried all my stuff to the elevator and finally to his apartment.
I banged my fist on his door, and after a few minutes, he opened it. His mouth was stretched into a wide smile, and his blue eyes were sparkling with excitement and surprise.
“Scarlet?” he cried.
I grinned back at my brother. His smile was infectious. He walked through the doorway and hugged me tightly, holding me in his arms. I returned his embrace and didn’t let go for a long time. I finally felt safe. I had successfully run away from everything that hurt me. My brother was tall at the height of six feet and two inches, and his body was thick with muscles that made me feel innately safe. He finally pulled away and looked at me with blue eyes that were identical to my own. The brown of his hair was also the same as mine, but it was short, barely an inch long.
Ryan looked at the bags on his doorstep then turned back to me. “Planning on staying for a while?” he asked with a smile.
I felt my cheeks blush. “If you don’t mind,” I said.
Ryan studied my features and I knew he saw the despair in my eyes, but he didn’t press me for information, which I was thankful for. “You are always welcome here, Scarlet—always. You never have to worry about that.” I understood the underlying meaning of his words, and the message made my smile falter. Ryan grabbed all my bags and carried them into the spare bedroom down the hall. The room was small and contained a queen sized bed and one dresser. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. “You can make yourself comfortable.”
“Thank you, Ryan.”
He smiled at me. “Of course. What are big brothers for?”
“Everything,” I teased.
“Are you hungry?” he asked. He leaned against the doorway as he watched me sit on the bed. “We should go to Mega-Shake.”
That sounded absolutely amazing. The food served on the plane was disgusting. But then I realized I had no money, not even a single dollar to my name. I had spent everything I had on my plane ticket back to Seattle, back to my brother, my safe haven. “I’m a little short on cash, Ryan. Can we eat here?”
“I got you, Scarlet,” he said as he walked down the hallway. “Let’s go. I really want a burger.”
I followed him down the hall and we left out the front door. We took a cab to the burger joint down the street then slipped inside, out of the pouring rain that was flooding the streets of Seattle. Ryan ordered our food and we sat down. I looked past him and out the rain-streaked window. People cowered under umbrellas as they waved down cabs, or hid their faces in the hoods of their jackets. I wished I was standing out in the rain, letting my past wash off me.
Ryan and I ate our food in silence, though I practically inhaled my meal because I was so famished. I caught my brother looking at me with a smile on his face.
“So, do you want to talk about it now or wait until later?” he asked.
“Do we have to discuss it at all?”
“I guess not,” he said. “But if you are going to stay with me, I would like to know why you’re here and what you plan to do.”
“That’s fair,” I said.
“Well?”
“I just had to leave New York and my job, my life, everything.”
“What did he do?”
“Excuse me?”
“This boyfriend of yours—the one you are running from—what did he do to you?”
“I never mentioned a man, Ryan.”
“I can’t think of anything else that would make you run across the country. There’s no exam, obstacle, or challenge that my brainy sister, Harvard alumni, can’t handle. Therefore, a dick must be involved.”
“Well, there were a lot of reasons,” I said. “I hated my boss—he was a perverted asshole that said if I didn’t give him a blow job, he was going to make my life hell. Then, I got mugged and my friend betrayed me. Honestly, I just needed to leave. I don’t belong there anymore.”
“What about Sean?”
My heart raced at the sound of his name. “What about him?”
“Does he know you are here?”
“No,” I said.
He sighed loudly and rubbed his temple. “So he’s the one that chased you away. You guys have been friends forever. What did he do? Sean is an awesome guy.”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, I have all the time in the world for my baby sister.”
I smiled at him, appreciating his wing of protection over me. Our relationship had always been simple and unforced. I always felt like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me or tattle on me to our parents. He always listened without comment and gave the best advice. It still surprised me that he ended up as a tattoo artist. He could have been anything he wanted.
“Well, Sean’s girlfriend, Penelope, dumped him a few weeks ago. And long story short, we slept together, and I realized I loved him and I thought we were together. Obviously, he didn’t think so, because I caught him with another woman. The sex we had meant nothing to him.”
“Please tell me you talked to him before you left New York.”
“Yes,” I said.
“And you couldn’t work it out?”
I thought about how I told Sean I never wanted to see him again. His betrayal was too raw and painful, and now that I know I love him so much, I can’t be around him. I can’t see him every day and not have feelings for him. I’ll never go on dates and I’ll never find anyone if I’m still in love with him. Yes, leaving was for the best. “No,” I said finally. “It’s too hard to see him every day. I can’t be friends with a man that I’m in love with but that will never love me.”
“Well, I sincerely hope that changes. You two have been friends for a very long time. What a waste to throw that all away.”
“I suppose,” I said. “But it will never change. He said he would never speak to me and I won’t ever speak to him. This is how it should be.”
“Now that you are on the other side of the country, as far away as you can possibly be, maybe you can move on now.”
“I hope so.”
I stared at my brother for a moment. He looked the same since the last time I saw him, which was about a year earlier. I hadn’t come home for the holidays because I didn’t have time, and he couldn’t leave Seattle because of the tattoo shop he owned. We spoke on the phone sometimes and even texted each other on rare occasions, but those attempts of communication had dwindled significantly over the year. When he did reach out to me, I would usually forget to call him back or respond to his texts. By the time I remembered, I’d forget again, getting caught up in something else. My brother and I were very close and I felt guilty for not contacting him more often. I totally ignored him when he tried to talk to me and now I felt like a horrible person. I loved my brother, I really did. I couldn’t believe that he took me in without hesitation. If it were me, I would have given him a hard time first.
“How have you been?” I asked.
Ryan met my gaze. “Fine,” he said. “The shop is doing okay. I’ve just been hanging out with friends.”
I appraised his body, but I couldn’t see his skin because he was wearing a sweater and jeans. “Do you have any tattoos yet?”
Ryan laughed. “No,” he said. “Nothing speaks to me. I don’t want to get anything permanently inked onto my skin unless it is profound and meaningful.”
“That’s odd,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You are a tattoo artist without any tattoos.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess,” he said. “But I love the artwork and love seeing tattoos on other people. I just haven’t found the right one for myself yet.”
I s
miled at him. “Are you seeing anyone?”
“A few people—nothing serious.”
“A few people?” I asked incredulously.
“Just some casual relationships,” he said. “I hope you don’t mind seeing a few women back at the apartment.”
I shook my head. “I don’t intend to intrude on your life, Ryan.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m just letting you know.”
“So, are you having casual sex?” I asked.
“Yes.”
The information didn’t bother me or make me uncomfortable at all. Ryan and I have always been open with our personal relationships in a unique way. Some people say it’s odd how invested we are in each other’s personal affairs, but with our past I didn’t think it was unusual. Ryan isn’t only my brother, but he was my best friend and guardian when I was growing up. I feel comfortable telling him anything. I would never judge him and he would never judge me.
“You must be looking for something serious,” I said.
“Why?” he asked.
“You are thirty, Ryan,” I said. “Aren’t you looking for a life partner?”
He sighed. “I’ve looked, Scarlet, and I haven’t found anyone.”
I nodded. I knew exactly how he felt. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship—ever. I considered Sean to be my longest relationship even though it was a platonic one. The thought of him made my heart squeeze painfully. “At least we have each other.” I laughed.
“Yes,” he said. “At least.”
I leaned back in my chair and looked at him. “I’m sorry I haven’t kept in touch more.”
Ryan nodded. “It’s fine,” he said. I could tell by his dismissive attitude that the topic made him uncomfortable. We sat together for a while longer before he stood up from his chair. “Now it’s time for the best part,” he said with an excited voice. “The Mega Shake! You want chocolate, right?”
“Yes.” I laughed. Ryan and I used to come to Mega-Shake after school and get shakes before we walked home. The fact that he still remembered made me smile.
“That’s what I’m going to get, too.”
He returned a few minutes later and we drank our milkshakes. The taste of the chocolate brought back memories of high school with such clarity that I felt like I was truly reliving it. Like with music, I think that taste and smell could return your mind to an earlier point in time, making you feel the sensations you felt in that moment. My brother finished his within minutes and tossed it in the trashcan. I could only finish half of mine.
“What the hell happened to you?” he asked seriously. “You used to drink it faster than me. Now you can’t even finish it?”
“I just ate a whole meal,” I said incredulously. “Cut me some slack. Besides, I have to keep this figure.” I ran my hands down my sides, exaggerating my appearance.
“You look good,” he said. “I can tell you’ve been doing some strengthening and toning exercises. My friends are going to be asking my permission to ask you out as soon as they see you.”
“I’m not interested,” I said quickly.
“What happened to moving on?” he reminded me. “You have to loosen up, open your mind to new things, Scarlet. There are other guys out there just as good as Sean.”
“There are probably a lot that are better than him, too,” I said coldly.
“I’m not doing a Sean-bashing with you,” he said. “I haven’t heard his side of the story.” Ryan caught my affronted look. “I will protect you with my life, Scarlet, but I can’t see Sean hurting you on purpose. I’m sorry, but I just don’t. I’m not going to judge him until he explains himself.”
“Well, he will never get the chance,” I said. “We are over.”
“I sincerely hope not.”
I stared at him for a moment and immediately felt paranoid. I didn’t want Ryan to talk to him. I didn’t want Sean to know where I was. “Ryan, promise me you won’t contact him.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want him to know where I am.”
Ryan shook his head. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll stay out of it.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Let’s head back to the apartment. I know you must be exhausted from jet lag.”
We got into the cab and returned to the apartment. Ryan sat in the living room, but I went to my bedroom because I was exhausted. I lay in bed but couldn’t fall asleep, even though it was one in the morning for my sleep cycle. My thoughts turned to Sean and the sad ending of our relationship. If only we hadn’t slept together, it never would have happened, but a part of me was glad that it had. I never would have realized my true feelings for him, and I never would have known that Sean wouldn’t feel the same way. But now I knew.
16
Sean
I couldn’t sleep that night. All I thought about was Scarlet and what happened between us. Our relationship was one of the most valuable things I’d ever had, and I already missed her—needed her. I didn’t want the friendship to end, but Scarlet didn’t want me. What was I supposed to do? I tossed and turned all night, but it wasn’t Penelope waking me up. It was Scarlet. I knew I should just stop being stubborn and try to win her back. We were both at fault in the situation. Scarlet never should have assumed that our love making came with a relationship since I just lost Penelope, and I shouldn’t have been such an insensitive jerk about her feelings. They were both valid points. I felt myself fall into unconsciousness, and when I woke up the next morning, the anger returned to my body when I reflected on our fight. I just couldn’t make up my mind about how I felt about it. Penelope still lingered in my thoughts, but her presence had dimmed in light of the fight I had with Scarlet. I got up and went to work, wanting to distract myself from thoughts of both Scarlet and Penelope.
I could tell that I was the new, popular kid at work by the way everyone was treating me. Apparently, news had spread about me and my new girlfriend, Scarlet. Everyone knew that Mr. Perkins invited us to play racquetball with him outside of work. It felt like high school all over again. I was glad to be making progress at the office, but then the reality hit. Scarlet wouldn’t be attending the couples’ game with my boss and I didn’t know if her absence would change anything. Perhaps the only reason I was invited was because of her. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. Everyone loved her.
I tried not to think about our last conversation. She told me she never wanted to see me again, which really surprised me. I wasn’t going to call or text her—nothing. If she wanted to talk to me, she could contact me. I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, I did, but it was a misunderstanding. Of course, I would never hurt my best friend on purpose or use her in any way, and the fact she accused me of something so ridiculous pissed me off. I loved her. Why would I treat her like that? But then the guilt returned. I hated how upset she seemed. When I thought about it in retrospect, the way she kissed me in the morning, and later when she said goodbye, I realized I should have noticed it. When we went to the restaurant and that guy harassed her, I defended her, disregarding my own safety, and while I did that because I loved her, she assumed I did it because I was in love with her. When we went to the movies, she hooked her arm into mine, and while I didn’t mind, it must have meant more to her than I thought. And when we curled up on the couch together, I woke up with her face in mine, and my hand up her shirt. She probably assumed that meant something. Then, she blew off Dan, who seemed like a reasonable guy. The girl was in love with me. It was so obvious. How did I not notice it before?
But then again, my actions indicated that I was in love with her too. I never thought about it before because I’ve been so hung up on Penelope, when we were together and after we broke up, but perhaps I didn’t see what was right in front of me. I did care about Scarlet in a profound way. I loved the girl. And I definitely found her attractive—very attractive.
I enjoyed sleeping with her. It was easy and comfortable, even though we had never been intimate like that before, and she was beautif
ul—sexy. Being with her was something I wouldn’t mind doing again, but I knew that could never happen, even if we started speaking again. She was in love with me. I couldn’t hurt her again.
I walked into my office and placed my shoulder bag under my desk. Brian walked by and came into my office since the door was open.
“Dude, Mr. Perkins is giving you the Dwight account.”
“What?” I asked. “I’m already handling the Price account.”
Brian shook his head. “He’s giving that rookie task to one of the interns. Do you realize how big this is? This is like the most high profile client we have. Everyone is fucking jealous of you, Sean. What the fuck did you say to him the other night?”
I shook my head. “I have no fucking idea,” I said honestly. “Scarlet did most of the talking.”
He nodded. “I can believe that.”
“How do you know I’m getting the account?”
“I overheard Perkins talking with Jonathon. He pitched the idea to him and he agreed. The news has spread like wildfire. You’ve got some haters now, Sean.”
“Don’t we all?” I said sarcastically. I was partially happy that I was being entrusted with such a big responsibility, but another part of me didn’t care. This wouldn’t be happening if Scarlet wasn’t so charming and beautiful. I wondered if Mr. Perkins would change his mind when I said Scarlet wasn’t around anymore. Although, I might be able to convince her to go if I asked her. She would probably do it as a favor to me because she loved me, but she already felt like I was using her, so I decided against it. I already hurt her once. I wouldn’t do it again.
“You want to hit Pyros after work?” he asked. “And bring Scarlet.”
“Sure,” I said.
Brian walked away and headed toward his office. I had nothing to do that night, no one to see, so I agreed to sit at the bar with him. I needed to get my mind off Scarlet. The more I thought about her, the more I missed her. I wanted to pick up my phone and call her, but I knew I had to wait for her to call me. She needed her space and I respected that.