It was late Sunday evening when Darcy knocked on Elizabeth’s door. She would know it to be him because only he had access from their shared sitting room to her bedroom. He wondered whether she would admit him after their earlier argument. When he heard her call out, “Come,” he took a deep breath before turning the door’s handle. Darcy stood outlined by the door’s frame, not sure what he should do next. Elizabeth sat in the window seat, refusing to even look at him.
“I came to see if your headache subsided,” he stumbled through the words.
The coldness in her voice could not be hidden. “We both know, Fitzwilliam, a headache was not why I refused to come to the table.” Still, she spoke to her own reflection in the window rather than to Darcy.
“I am sorry to hear it,” he said softly as he stepped further into the room.“I did not wish you to be ill, but I would prefer your temporary discomfort to a more permanent riff between us. I should have tempered my words earlier.” By now, he stood at the foot of her bed.
“Tempering your words means nothing unless you changed your sentiment, too.”
Darcy pleaded,“Elizabeth, please look at me.”
Slowly, she turned her head, but Darcy saw only contempt in her eyes. “Do you have other commands for me to follow, Sir?” Her voice dripped with sarcasm.
“It was not an order,” he whispered.With a bit more effort he said, “I plan to leave for London early tomorrow. I hoped we could resolve this before I left.”
Needing to move, Elizabeth got up from her seat and started past him. “Tell me what you want me to say, Fitzwilliam, and I will say the words, and you may be on your merry way. It is getting late, and I have a busy day tomorrow pretending to be the Mistress of Pemberley.”
Darcy could not follow her line of thinking. “You are the Mistress of Pemberley,” he said flatly.
“I am your wife,” Elizabeth turned on him, “but without your respect and your love, I have no real identity. I am no better than your property—no better than your steward or your tenants or your valet. I perform my job as the Mistress of Pemberley, but I will not perform my job as chattel—as the woman with whom you take your pleasures but to whom you give no respect.”
Darcy reached for her, but Elizabeth shied away from him. “God, Elizabeth, I did not mean what I said. I am confused—my emotions are out of control; I cannot leave tomorrow knowing I caused you such pain.” His voice held his regret.
“Go, Mr. Darcy.” Her icy words had not softened. “I will manage the estate in your absence, just as I promised on our wedding night. Do not ask more of me; I do not think I can promise you anything beyond that.You hurt me as only you can do. I will not speak of this again except to tell you I am sorry to be such a disappointment to you.”
“Elizabeth,” he started, before a flip of her hand told him she was not finished.
“Why was what we experienced in the privacy of our bedroom for society to decide? Why is anything close to real intimacy to you a break in propriety? If I could take it all back, I would; I would take it and put it on the shelf, not to be disturbed again. For me, Fitzwilliam, being with you is like no other place I have ever been—we are great together. I thought with me you would not have to work so hard at being happy. Love cannot be planned like a society event—it happens. It is spontaneous.” Elizabeth’s voice rose as she began to pace once more.“Fitzwilliam, do you understand? Life happens despite all your best planning.”
Darcy turned away, not wishing to see the torment he caused her. “Elizabeth, things are different, but we said we did not want it to be different.”
“It is a logical catenation,” she said listlessly, defeated by the quagmire in which they found themselves. “At one time we were the greatest plan you ever made. Now, you feel embarrassed by me.” During this speech she crossed to the door leading to their sitting room and held it open for him. “Nothing can hurt me as much as your reaction to what we once shared. Good night, Mr. Darcy.”
He stood, mesmerized by her beauty, needing to touch her and wanting nothing more than to take Elizabeth to her bed and enjoy the sensation of loving her freely, but instead Darcy straightened his shoulders and strode from the room.
When Elizabeth arose on Monday morning, she knew Darcy left Pemberley for London. Part of her felt relief at not having to face him again; yet, she yearned for Darcy—for the love she once had. She stepped into the sitting room to find the breakfast tray for which she had asked Hannah.
On the tray, a letter written in the fine scrawl with which she was now familiar lay. Elizabeth touched the letters “E. D.,” tracing them with her fingertips. Should she open it right away? If it was a request from Darcy for her to leave Pemberley, Elizabeth did not want to read the words. However, maybe he considered her words as he had long ago at Hunsford. Elizabeth could not believe their love could not survive; yet, Darcy’s behavior of late told her he preferred a different lifestyle from what they once knew.
Elizabeth sat the note to the side; she could not read it and then conduct her duties as Darcy’s wife. No matter what it said, she would wait. She would visit tenants with Georgiana; she would help plan the opening of the village school, along with advertising for a schoolmistress. Whatever Darcy had to say to her, Elizabeth’s fragile emotional state could do without.
Therefore, late morning found her making her way to bid farewell to Mr. Harrison. She found him alone in the drawing room and joined him in front of the fireplace. “Mr. Harrison, you will be sorely missed, Sir.”
Realizing Elizabeth’s delicate situation, Harrison offered her a compliment.“Your generosity in accepting me into your home, Mrs. Darcy, speaks well of you.”
Elizabeth half chuckled. “You are wise beyond your years, Mr. Harrison.”
“I am truly sorry Mr. Darcy’s homecoming created so much distress for you.” His voice and words comforted Elizabeth, but still tears misted her eyes.
“My husband,” she began with a slight catch in her throat, “believes he is doing what is best for his family.”
“Needless to say, I do not favor Mr. Darcy’s new resolve.”
Elizabeth wanted Harrison to know she could not help him in his pursuit of her sister. “I wish I could speak to Mr. Darcy, but I fear he no longer seeks my opinions.”
“Then it is much to his loss, Mrs. Darcy.”
“Mr. Harrison,” Elizabeth hesitated before asking, “would you tell me about your trips to the Americas? I would like to know about your voyages.”
Harrison searched Elizabeth’s face to know the truth of her question. “I have made three trips, Mrs. Darcy, since the age of two and ten,” he began. For the next hour, he told Elizabeth about the conditions one might find onboard ship and the settlements found in the American states. Harrison did not know why Elizabeth showed an interest in this topic, but as a woman he respected, Harrison would not deny her his insights.
“That is very interesting, Mr. Harrison.” She seemed deep in thought.
Harrison picked up on her serious nature. Finally, he said, “If I had a friend who felt the need to leave England, I certainly hope he would consult with me before going. I have many connections which would serve him well.”
Elizabeth lowered her eyes. “Your friends are privileged to know you, Sir.”
“I am afraid it is time for me to take my leave, Mrs. Darcy. With your permission I shall bid adieu to Miss Darcy before I go.” Harrison stood and made Elizabeth a bow.
“My sister will be sad to hear of your leaving; she will be in the music room.” Elizabeth no longer objected to Harrison; she trusted him to make Georgiana happy. “Tell Miss Darcy I await her for our tenant visits. Please have a safe journey, Mr. Harrison.” She gave him an appropriate curtsy before he left to find Georgiana.
A letter from Darcy arrived on the fifth day of his journey. This time Elizabeth opened it; she had no choice. Georgiana and Kitty watched her take it from the tray the butler held out to her.
23 March
Mrs.
Darcy,
My time in London has been well spent.Arrangements for my sister’s presentation into society are underway. I made it known she and I will be in London, and early invitations arrived.Among these early acquaintances are Lord Dorchester and his son Henry. I am very impressed with Henry Dorchester; he has an impeccable lineage and is a pleasant young man. I most enjoy speaking to him about Napoleon’s exploits; he and I share that interest.
Staying with the Dorchesters is their cousin Miss Cecelia McFarland. She is an articulate woman of refined opinions; society would judge Miss McFarland to be an accomplished woman. Miss McFarland’s parents left her a substantial dowry; she will make some gentleman an excellent wife.
Elizabeth broke off from reading the letter. So her husband prepared to carry out his plans; he would take Georgiana to London and leave Elizabeth at Pemberley to oversee his estate and wait for her lying in. Darcy promised an abbreviated season for Georgiana, but now there, would he abandon her for someone else more to his liking—maybe even this Miss McFarland? Obviously, Darcy esteemed the woman; otherwise, why would he mention her. Once she delivered a healthy heir, would Darcy send Elizabeth off to some other place, or worse, would he disengage himself completely? Would he take their child and apply for divorce? Her earlier worries resurfaced.
These thoughts sent Elizabeth into the deepest depression. What would she do if Darcy no longer allowed her to remain at Pemberley? Each day she felt their baby move within her, and Elizabeth wanted this baby. Yet, legally Darcy could take the child and leave her with nothing. Tears filled Elizabeth’s eyes again; it seemed all she did lately was cry.The fact she had any tears left surprised her.
Mrs. Darcy, I will return to Pemberley in less than a week. I hope this letter finds you in health, and you considered my wishes.
Your husband,
F. D.
Elizabeth handed Georgiana the letter to read. Georgiana rolled her eyes upon reading the part about Henry Dorchester, but she shook her head in disbelief that her brother would mention another woman in a letter to his wife. How could he not see what he did to Elizabeth? Georgiana could no longer imagine Pemberley without Elizabeth. The house had been a shrine to her parents; now, with Elizabeth, Georgiana felt the past but lived for the future. She prayed Fitzwilliam would not foolishly destroy the happiness she now knew. “Well, it seems my brother has been quite busy,” Georgiana said cautiously as she handed the letter back to Elizabeth.
“Quite busy,” Elizabeth nearly snapped. She stood quickly and turned to leave the room, but before she did, she crumpled the letter and threw it in the fireplace.
“Miss Bennet,”Ashford said as he approached her in the garden.
“Mr. Ashford,” she answered softly. “I wondered if I might see you today.”
He laughed lightly. “As if I could stay away from you, my dearest Katherine.”
Kitty let out a full laugh. “You cannot stay away from me, Mr.Ashford?”
“I fear I cannot; you stole my heart, dear lady.”Ashford took her hand in his, and Kitty gave him her version of an enigmatic smile. “I heard from your father, Miss Bennet. He gave his consent; if you are still of a mind to be my wife, I would be the happiest of men.”
Ashford searched Kitty’s face, looking for the reassurance he desperately needed from her. “Clayton, as you already know, I anticipate being your wife; that fact has not changed.” She caressed his jaw line.
“I love you, Katherine.” Ashford turned his head to kiss her palm.
Kitty giggled. “I do not know what I have done to earn your regard, Sir.”
“You did nothing, my Dearest; you simply have to smile at me or glance my way or enter a room, and I am lost to you.”
Kitty blushed from the intensity of his declaration. “Clayton,” she began before breaking off, but that was enough. He could see the desire in her eyes, and without forethought he leaned forward to kiss her lips tenderly.
When he withdrew, his next words showed how such an innocent act affected him. “May we set a date for our wedding?” he gasped.
Kitty laughed lightly; she thoroughly enjoyed the power she had over this complicated man. “I do not think I could consider a date until after my sister’s lying in. I would want Elizabeth there, for if not for her, we would never have met.”
“Six months,” he whispered the words, unsure of whether that was Kitty’s wish.
“Six months,” she laughed, “the first of September. Does the first Monday in September meet your approval, Sir?”
“Tomorrow would be more to my liking,” he teased, “or even this afternoon.”
Kitty reminded him,“We have no license.”
“I know the local vicar,” Ashford continued his jest. “I believe I could arrange it if only I could convince you to change your mind.”
“The first Monday in September,” Kitty repeated her assertion.
“A person should not wish his life away, but I wish the autumn approached rather than the spring.” Ashford stood and offered her his hand.“May we take a walk together, Miss Bennet?”
Ashford’s smile told Kitty how happy he felt. “I would enjoy a walk; may we continue our plans for our day?” Kitty wrapped her arm through his.
“As long as you agree to smile at me as you are doing now, I will be satisfied. The first Monday in September is not so long, is it?”
“Not so long before our dreams will be complete,” she giggled again.
Darcy sat at the desk in his London townhouse. For days he expected a response to the letter he left for Elizabeth, but nothing came, and he did not know what to do next to resolve their conflict. He acted foolishly and hurt Elizabeth. Despite his belief the resurgence of his qualms regarding Elizabeth’s connections could be justified, a part of him enjoyed the freedom she brought to his life.
Elizabeth offered no pretense; she dealt with the estate in an honest manner. The tenants doted on her, and the Derbyshire community offered a different type of loyalty—one based on respect rather than need. She was affectionate, and the way she teased him created a growing passion in Darcy he could no longer explain. His sister developed a loving relationship with his wife, and in many ways, Georgiana grew into a confident young woman under Elizabeth’s tutelage. Elizabeth Darcy challenged him intellectually, refused to be dominated by him, and performed her duties as the Mistress of Pemberley in an honorable manner; plus, her desires brought a flush to his being.
In the letter Darcy told her of his wishes. He wished he had not hurt her; he wished for Elizabeth’s forgiveness; he wished she would let him learn to love her again. More importantly, Darcy wished for her to never leave him. In the letter, he allowed his growing vulnerability to Elizabeth to be laid open. Now, she refused him a response; he asked her specifically to send him word of her exculpation, but Elizabeth’s wrath must be beyond quelling. Now, what must he do? It was a severe blow to his confidence.
Darcy knew when he returned to Pemberley, he would find Elizabeth doing her duty as his wife. She would smile when her duties required her to do so. She would say what was expected. She would give him an heir for the estate, but could Elizabeth love him again? He wanted her affection, not her obligation. How had it come to this? One moment he regretted aligning himself with Elizabeth Bennet; her Hertfordshire relations added nothing to his family; however, Darcy found when he thought of taking Elizabeth to his bed, a sensation of completeness washed over him. What could he do? He was a man caught between two worlds—two things he desired—two dreams.
As promised, within the week, Darcy returned to Pemberley. His plans for Georgiana’s presentation complete, he half expected the household to be abuzz with excitement. Instead, he found Elizabeth contrite, Georgiana depressed, and Kitty a bit jealous of all the fuss being made.“I wish I could go to London,” Kitty told Georgiana one day as they sat in the music room.
“Oh, Kitty,” Georgiana nearly moaned, “you have no idea how much more you possess right here in Derbyshire.You won the affection
s of a man who loves you honestly and honorably. Mr.Ashford chose you because you complete him, not because you come with a purse to increase his wealth.You are assured of Mr. Ashford’s affections while I am to go to the highest bidder. Be careful of what you wish; it is not always something you want.”
“I am sorry, Georgiana,” Kitty offered her apology. “I thought only of the parties and the balls and the fine dresses. I was not thinking about your future. Of course, I would prefer Mr.Ashford’s attentions to the uncertainty you face.”
CHAPTER 19
“The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable,
so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again,
so tyrannic, so beyond control!”
Jane Austen, Mansfield Park, 1814
Darcy had been home for two days, and he had yet to have a private conversation with Elizabeth. She offered civilities, but no signs of the return of her regard for him. Every once in awhile, he would note what he thought to be a flicker of desire in her eyes when she looked at him, but then Elizabeth would purposely look away.When she looked at him again, an empty vessel sat before him—devoid of feelings.
He caught her in the upstairs hallway. “Will you not speak to me, Elizabeth?”
“What do you wish me to say, Fitzwilliam? I am still willing to be the student.” She forced herself to look him directly in his eyes as the sarcasm dripped from her lips.
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