For two days Kitty, Georgiana, Hannah, and Mrs. Reynolds took turns sitting with her. Mr. Spencer reported to Darcy each day regarding Elizabeth’s progress, but he could not force himself to return to Elizabeth’s room. Late in the evening as Hannah slept close to tend her mistress, Darcy stood at the door watching his sleeping wife. He wanted her; he did not think he could survive Elizabeth’s leaving him. For a reason he could not explain, Elizabeth fit his plan for Pemberley and for his life.
Mrs. Reynolds found him leaning against the doorframe. “Why do you not go to your wife, Master Fitzwilliam?” she whispered as she came up behind him.
Darcy spun around, ashamed at being caught watching Elizabeth. “I have other things to address,” he snapped as he started past his housekeeper.
“Master Fitzwilliam.” Her words stopped Darcy short. The woman helped raise him, especially after Darcy’s mother became so ill.“What troubles you?”
Her words of concern nearly undid his resolve, but finally he answered,“I have no troubles, Mrs. Reynolds.”
“Then explain to me, Mr. Darcy, how a man who once was so devoted to his wife he would risk his own life to save her could now not go to that same woman when she needs him?” Mrs. Reynolds looked him directly in the eye.
“I need not explain myself to you, Mrs. Reynolds.” Darcy gave her a look, which would scare most, but she knew that look really meant Darcy hid his feelings.
“Master Fitzwilliam,” she began slowly, “Mrs. Darcy is the best thing to happen to you. You were profoundly sad; you were lost until that woman came into your life.You have been given a great gift—a love to last the ages. Go to your wife, Mr. Darcy.”
“Do not tell me how to conduct my personal life, Mrs. Reynolds.” Darcy continued his resistance.
“Mr. Darcy, I was never ashamed to be a close member of your staff until now.” She reprimanded him in the tone she used on him in his youth.
“Mrs. Reynolds, you overstep your bounds,” he warned.
The housekeeper shook her head in disbelief. “So do you, Mr. Darcy.” Her voice held the sadness he felt. Mrs. Reynolds entered Elizabeth’s room and closed the door to Darcy’s presence.
He returned to his room and tried to rest. Could Mrs. Reynolds be right? Had he allowed his growing vulnerability to Elizabeth to turn into insane jealousy? Where did his loyalties lie? He was a Darcy—his ancestral name meant something in England. Fitzwilliam, his mother’s name, came from a long line of nobility; it gave him a conscious awareness of his own social position.
He wanted to be able to turn to Elizabeth; he wanted to be rid of the sorrow he felt at losing both his parents; he wanted to make his parents proud; he wanted to make the right decisions for Georgiana. Darcy had Pemberley; he had respect; he had wealth, but he did not have contentment.
Brought up in opulence, he learned superiority at his father’s knee; had he not been warned repeatedly of those who would flatter him to become an intimate? When he remembered his interactions with Elizabeth, Darcy saw himself as proud and leaden. Elizabeth accused him of not only arrogance but of conceit and disdain for others.
He often, of late, wondered how he would feel if someone spoke to Georgiana as he spoke to his wife. Even if he and Georgiana had no more than what Elizabeth had to offer, Darcy knew he would call the dastard out, and a duel would ensue. His place in the world was unthreatened until there was Elizabeth; now he had become more pensive and introspective—his life a quandary—he wanted to once more try to make Elizabeth a part of his life. He wanted to show her he changed, but first, he would need what his sister said; he would have to find value in himself; he would alter how he spoke to people and how he thought of people and how he treated people. If he could do so without glory, but because it was the right action, then maybe he could someday present himself to Elizabeth again.
Unable to sleep, he made his way once more to Elizabeth’s room. “I will stay, Hannah,” he told her maid. “Come back in the morning.”
“Yes, Sir.” Hannah made a quick curtsy. “It has been several hours since Mrs. Darcy had any medication for the pain. She may need it soon.”
“Thank you, Hannah.” Darcy took the seat next to Elizabeth’s bed. Without thinking about it, he took his wife’s hand, subconsciously massaging her palm and wrist with his fingertips.
Within a few minutes, Elizabeth’s eyelids fluttered open to find Darcy beside her. “Fitzwilliam,” her voice came out soft and breathy.
He moved to the edge of her bed, never releasing her hand. “May I get something for you?” he said while moving the hair away from her face.
Elizabeth smiled briefly. “No, I have everything I need at the moment.” She moved her hand to catch his with hers.
They remained as such, eyes locked onto each other. “Hannah says you are due for medication. May I prepare a dose of laudanum for you?”
Her eyes searched Darcy’s features. “I would prefer not to take any more medication. I worry about it hurting our child.”
“That is very brave of you.” Darcy caressed her face.
Elizabeth tentatively asked, “Would you stay with me, my Husband?”
“If you so desire.” Darcy moved closer. “How does your leg feel?”
“It burns, and it feels so heavy.” Elizabeth struggled to compose her words. “I may not be able to sleep without the laudanum, but I want to try.”
“I hate laudanum. I understand. It makes me see things which do not exist.We may talk or just sit together, but I will not leave you tonight.”
His words made Elizabeth shiver with anticipation.“Thank you, Fitzwilliam. I missed just being with you.” With his help, Elizabeth moved up in the bed where she could address him.“I am sorry I have been such a bother to you.”
“I worried about you, but I would not term you to be a bother. If you are able, may we talk about something of our lives? I have images of some things which confuse me.” Darcy’s voice contained a tenderness Elizabeth had not heard for some time.
“Certainly, Fitzwilliam, of what would you wish to speak?”
“Would you tell me about us? I mean, from the beginning—I need to know how we came to be.”
She swallowed hard, thinking where and how to begin; then Elizabeth tightened her hold on his hand. “We first met when you came to Netherfield Park with Mr. Bingley. At an assembly you criticized me as being only tolerable,” Elizabeth began. Nearly two hours later, exhausted, she told him of his leaving for Hull.
During this, Darcy seemed captivated by their interactions and how they came to a better understanding. Elizabeth told him what she knew of his transformation after his first proposal at Hunsford. Some anecdotes made him laugh; others shocked him. “We make a science of misconstruing each other,” Darcy offered.
“At times, it seems so,” Elizabeth chuckled lightly,“but once we came together, I like to think we completed one another. You once told Jane I was your other half.”
Moved by her words, Darcy leaned forward to kiss Elizabeth lightly, but quickly he deepened the kiss, and Elizabeth pulled him to her. “I did not come here for this.” Darcy’s lips were only inches from hers.“Plus, you should rest.”
“Would you lie with me? The pain increases, and I doubt I can sustain my deference to the medications alone.” Elizabeth stroked his jaw line.
“If it will help you.” Darcy repositioned Elizabeth in the bed, and then he slid in beside her.“May I hold you?”
Elizabeth nodded and then moved her head to rest on Darcy’s shoulder.“I love your hair when you have it down,” he whispered to her as he twisted a curl around his finger. Darcy felt Elizabeth stiffen with pain. “I do not want to see you suffer.” He stroked her arm.
“Just hold me tight—do not let me go.” Darcy pulled Elizabeth to him, wrapping his arms closely around her and allowing Elizabeth’s warmth to radiate through him. Elizabeth laced her fingers into his hair and felt the fine lawn of his nightshirt along her arm. She kissed his neck under his chin lin
e.“I like the way you distract me,” she murmured.
“Mr. Spencer told me to address both your mental and your physical recovery,” Darcy’s voice came out breathy.
Elizabeth’s eyes sparkled as her voice was laced with desire. “Tell Mr. Spencer I could overdose on this type of medicine; I would never deny I need all this I can get.”
“Tonight you concentrate on getting well.” Darcy ran his hand down Elizabeth’s back and over her hips. “We do not need to resolve everything in one night. I want this to be a beginning for us.” Darcy lifted her chin and brushed his lips over hers.“May we try, Elizabeth?”
“Fitzwilliam, your medicine is a powerful force of which I can never get enough,” Elizabeth teased. She traced his mouth with her fingertips.“I will do anything for more of this—more of you in my life.”
Darcy kissed her tenderly and then pulled Elizabeth’s head once again to his chest.“Rest, my Lizzy,” he laughed lightly.
She laughed, too. “You should know better than to call me Lizzy.”
“I forgot.” Darcy feigned innocence.
She warned him in a mocking manner, “Do not pretend memory loss with me, Mr. Darcy.”
“Never, Mrs. Darcy,” he chuckled. “Rest, be well for us. If you can, get some sleep. I will be here next to you.”With that, he pulled her to him once more, and Elizabeth allowed herself to be lulled into a state of complete happiness.
CHAPTER 20
“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”
Jane Austen, Emma, 1815
For the next three days, Darcy repeated his actions. He left Elizabeth’s bed early in the morning, rising to address the running of his estate. He came to her in early afternoon to check on her progress, spending time helping her with her bath before Hannah addressed his wife’s toilette. Late in the evening, he returned to her room; they sat together; he read to Elizabeth, or she told him more specifics about their life. Darcy touched her intimately, but he did not resume his husbandly privileges. He would wait; he reasoned they rushed the relationship before, and that was why they fought.
Elizabeth loved being in his arms, but he showed no renewal of their once passionate relationship. She offered him a pleasant smile when he came to her room, but the fact he showed no interest in a renewal of their enjoyments troubled her. A promise for their future stayed in her thoughts, but occasionally Elizabeth wondered whether he wanted a civil relationship, one, which would allow them to survive their marriage, but not be a resumption of their love.
He must know she would not object to his advances; she could barely contain her desires when he moved in close to her. He was confused, and so was she. Darcy did not remember much of their life together, but they did maintain a connection—an unexplainable attraction. Elizabeth sometimes wondered about the lack of sanity in her life. Her husband’s brooding nature and tendency to withdraw frustrated her.Yet, she knew beneath the façade Darcy displayed to the world lay the man most suited for her.
One afternoon Georgiana joined Elizabeth in her chambers.“I am pleased to see you recovering,” Georgiana offered as she took the seat to which Elizabeth indicated.
“My spirits are of a higher order.” Elizabeth’s desire to leave her bed and resume her duties became evident.
Georgiana only half listened; she had not come to her sister’s chambers simply for company.“May we speak?” she said at last.
“Of course, Georgiana.”
The young girl fidgeted in her chair. “Fitzwilliam indicates we will leave for London next week.”
“I hoped my husband might change his mind,” Elizabeth thought out loud.
Georgiana’s eyes misted over.“Your sentiments mimic mine.”
“Fitzwilliam feels a strong sense of duty.” Elizabeth took Georgiana’s hand.
The girl finally looked in her sister’s eyes.“I never desired a presentation in society. When I was younger, I prayed my brother would simply choose a husband for me and eliminate the need for my society debut. Now, I know I will disappoint him; I will disgrace the Darcy name.”
“Georgiana, simply be yourself; your beauty and goodness will serve you well in London.” Elizabeth tried to reassure her.
Wistfully, Georgiana said, “I wish my brother would allow me free choice.”
“It is not likely. Once your brother chooses a course, he is single-minded in his execution,” Elizabeth cautioned.
“I cannot believe we will leave you in Derbyshire,” Georgiana nearly moaned. “I might be able to handle this if you were with me.”
“You will be off to fine society.” Elizabeth had her own concerns with the situation.Without thinking about what she said, she added, “I wonder if I was not with child whether I would be allowed to accompany you to London.”
Georgiana snapped out of her own misery. “Elizabeth, you cannot think as such!”
“Georgiana, I am a realist. Although I see inroads into Fitzwilliam’s affections for me, some parts of my being begs for his assurances. The ‘different’ Fitzwilliam is hard for me to gauge. One moment he is the man to whom I gave my love, and the next he is a man I never met. Could he still be ashamed of me?”
Georgiana did not know how to answer. She wanted to believe her brother to be true to Elizabeth, but she knew how determined he once was to prove to the world he deserved to be Master of Pemberley, and the Fitzwilliam Darcy who inhabited that narrow world he created for himself often did things which hurt others. Not wishing to address Elizabeth’s concerns, Georgiana changed the subject. “I wish Fitzwilliam would allow Mr. Harrison to make his intentions known. I fear he decided Henry Dorchester to be an ideal husband choice.”
Elizabeth bit her lower lip. “Who is not to say Henry Dorchester is not agreeable?Your brother’s estimation of the man is likely to be an accurate one.”
“Accurate, yes—passionate, no,” Georgiana gave her.
Elizabeth questioned,“It sounds as if you wish me to intercede for you?”
“I would never ask you to do so, but I would gladly accept your modulation in this situation,” Georgiana said softly.
“I am not sure Fitzwilliam will accept my meddling in what he clearly sees to be in the realm of his responsibilities.” Elizabeth watched as Georgiana’s countenance faded. “Yet, I will do my best to convince him otherwise.”
“Mrs. Darcy,” Darcy said as he entered her room an hour or so later,“I came to rescue you.” He took a teasing tone.
Elizabeth loved when he challenged her. “Am I in danger, Sir?” Her eyes sparkled with the attention.
“I thought you might enjoy an outing. I asked the stables to bring around the curricle.” He came to stand at the end of her bed.
“Oh, Fitzwilliam,” she gasped,“that is a delightful idea.”
“Then I will send Hannah to you, and I will come back to help you negotiate the stairs.” Darcy made her a quick bow and left.
A half hour later, he returned to Elizabeth’s chambers. “Are you ready, Mrs. Darcy?” he asked as he entered the room.
“I am, Sir.” Elizabeth bubbled with excitement.
Her enthusiasm was contagious, and Darcy could not resist her smile.“You look beautiful today,” he said softly.
“Thank you, my Husband,” she murmured lightly,“but how you could think a woman of my girth to possess beauty is beyond me.” Elizabeth lightly patted her increasing abdomen.
Darcy crossed the room to where she gingerly stood; he cupped Elizabeth’s face in his palm. “How could I not think you to be beautiful?” Darcy whispered in her ear before kissing Elizabeth’s cheek.“You carry my child.”
Elizabeth closed her eyes during his caress, and now she opened them to see the passion-darkened eyes of her husband. She turned her head to kiss Darcy’s palm. “I look forward to presenting you with your child. I could not wait to tell you on New Year’s Eve although I feared we took on too much too soon, but Georgiana told us God gives us no more than we can endure.” Elizabeth’s voice w
as breathy.
“Then the news brought you happiness?” Darcy’s statements often came out as questions.
She half teased, “To be the mother of your children, Mr. Darcy, is my honor.”
“You will stay at Pemberley?” Darcy needed Elizabeth’s pledges.
“I will stay as long as you wish me here.” Elizabeth did not know whether Darcy considered her leaving Pemberley or not; she wanted to believe he never wished her away from their home.
Darcy watched the change in Elizabeth’s countenance, and he wondered if she considered leaving him.What had he seen in her eyes? Was it fear? Of what could Elizabeth be afraid? Did she fear he would reject her? Did Elizabeth fear she would displease him? Or, worse yet, did she have a secret she did not want him to know? She covered her doubts quickly by forcing herself to look at him intently.
“Do you wish to walk on your own?” Darcy asked at last.
“May I have your arm for support, Sir?”
“I would enjoy that.”
Elizabeth found maneuvering the steps after lying abed for several days to be difficult, but she gritted her teeth and held Darcy’s arm tightly as she moved. “Shall I carry you?” Darcy asked quietly, close to her ear.
“Although your offer is most tempting, it is best if I do this on my own.” Elizabeth leaned on Darcy, and he caught her around the waist to stabilize her descent. At the bottom of the steps, Elizabeth released the breath she held.“Thank you, Fitzwilliam,” she said quickly before squaring her shoulders to walk to the curricle.
“Are you sure I may not carry you?” Darcy’s concern showed.
“There is truly nothing more that I would like,” Elizabeth smiled at him shyly, “but it is important for the staff to know I am well, and the future of Pemberley is safe. We both realize how I manage will be common knowledge to the entire staff before I make it to the carriage.Your carrying me tells them I am too weak to be your wife and the mother of your children. I will not allow them to see any weakness on my part.”
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