Chapter Three
“So you’re Lenny? Welcome to the team.”
Lenny turned to see the skinny guy with the glasses and oversized sweater holding a hand out in his direction.
“Thanks.” He took the other man’s hand and shook it vigorously. He felt better already. Lenny hadn’t realized how much he needed a smiling face.
“Everybody calls me Withers,” the other man replied. “Trust me. You don’t want to know my first name.” He nodded at the dozen or so people milling about the room: “So what do you think of our little operation?”
Lenny tried to think of a polite way to express his feelings. “It’s all a little overwhelming.”
Withers chuckled. “I know just how you feel. When I first came here, I thought I had walked into a madhouse.” He waved to the others Lenny had just met. “Everyone is quite committed to their jobs. They’re all quite dependable, too. I’m sure you’ll fit right in. It’s just we all have—individual quirks.”
Lenny looked past Withers at the very dramatic young woman talking to the very tall pale man. They were certainly both individuals. There were others, though, especially three short fellows with heavy beards over by the filing cabinets, who Lenny thought he might have trouble telling apart.
“I’ve found it quite pleasant to work here,” Withers continued. “Even exciting. It is quite a learning experience.”
Lenny turned back to the other man. He almost jumped when he saw Ms. Siggenbottom standing directly in front of them. It seemed as though she had just appeared there without having to do anything as inconvenient as walk.
“Come now, Mr. Withers,” she said in her best disappointed-schoolteacher voice. “Your reports are due.”
Withers smiled at her. “Duty calls.” Withers waved to Lenny as he walked to his desk. “We can talk some more later.”
Ms. Siggenbottom turned her laser gaze back on Lenny.
He actually smiled at her, too. With everything that had happened this morning, he had been feeling overwhelmed since he had walked through the door. Having someone like Withers to talk to made him feel better already. Once he got to know the others, he was sure he would feel just fine.
“And you!” Her voice suggested Lenny had already done something wrong. “It is time for the video.”
Lenny felt the floor shift beneath his feet. Someone shouted. A jar full of pens crashed to the floor nearby.
“What was that?” Lenny asked in a voice just barely above a whisper.
Ms. Siggenbottom frowned. “Nothing that we have not dealt with before. You may be certain that the phenomenon does not extend beyond the inner office.”
She looked to the man with glasses. “Withers? Do we have a report?”
He hustled back to their side, a large sheaf of papers in his hands. “The elves report unusually negative subnautaturgical energy.”
Subnautaturgical? Lenny frowned. Elves? He guessed Withers was using some kind of company code for whatever had just happened.
The older woman nodded in satisfaction. “Exactly what we should expect. Continue with your earlier report, Mr. Withers.” She looked around the room. “We should all get back to business.”
She walked past Lenny and opened a door he hadn’t seen before. He could feel the confusion taking over again. What else wasn’t he seeing?
Lenny followed Ms. Siggenbottom into a room dominated by a very large TV. Actually, it was the cabinet housing the TV that was huge. The twenty-five-inch screen would have been state of the art thirty years ago. A half dozen plastic chairs were jammed into the remaining space.
“Sit,” Ms. Siggenbottom commanded. Lenny sat.
She leaned forward and twisted a knob. A bright light appeared at the center of the screen, and—after a minute or so—turned into a snow-filled TV picture. She opened a cabinet door to the right of the screen. Behind it, Lenny saw a storage compartment with three shelves. She pulled a black plastic video box from the bottom shelf, extracted a tape, and inserted it into a top-loading video player sitting on the next shelf above. A label on the side of the player said it was a Betamax.
“There we go,” she announced as she pressed a button on the player and turned to leave.
Well, at least they had some technology, Lenny thought as he waited for the show to begin. With everything he had seen around here, he was surprised they had a video player at all. But what had he expected? A slide show? Shadow puppets?
Lenny realized he was not alone. The chair next to him squeaked as it was dragged across the linoleum. The tall man smiled, showing far too many teeth, as he sat by Lenny’s side.
“Karnowski cannot see enough of the video!”
“Come and find me if you have any questions,” Ms. Siggenbottom called out as she closed the door. The room grew dark as the screen filled with static.
Lenny jumped as the opening fanfare blasted from hidden speakers.
“Karnowski loves trumpets,” his fellow employee agreed.
The static faded as the company logo spread across the screen.
“Terrifitemps,” a deep, male voice announced. “Performing tomorrow’s tasks today.”
The screen was filled with a row of smiling cartoon men and women. All wore black T-shirts with TERRIFITEMPS! emblazoned in white across their cartoon chests.
The smiling figures, seven—no, eight of them—spread across the screen, each highlighted by a bold yellow circle. Lenny’s attention darted from one cartoon character to the next as they sprang into action. One donned a construction hat, another walked into a rocket ship, another appeared to be aiming a gun at a dinosaur.
“So you are new here!” the video voice cried jovially. “Welcome to Terrifitemps! Welcome to a world of possibilities!”
The eight circles spun about each other. The jaunty music once again rose in the background until one of the circles grew to fill the screen. This particular cartoon employee was silhouetted in front of a full moon.
“Congratulations, new employees. And welcome to your new career in”—another fanfare—“Mystical Sciences!
“In the next few days, you will embark on a bold new adventure as you combine our special training with those unique skills that led us to hire you. Before you know it, you’ll become a Total Terrifitemp!”
Lenny started as someone shrieked in the other room. He turned to Karnowski.
“Is only Withers,” the tall man spoke quietly at his side. “Karnowski pays no attention.”
Withers? The only person who appeared normal in this place? Lenny was half out of his plastic chair before he was aware of moving. Shouldn’t they do something?
But Karnowski did not seem bothered. Maybe people shrieked all the time around here. Maybe this was some of the excitement the thin man with glasses had been talking about.
Lenny turned back to the video.
“Let us take you through a typical day on your new job—or should I say typical night? What do you see?”
The TV screen filled with the image of a moonlit field. Bats flew over a round, yellow shape in the sky.
“Strange shadows, sinister shapes crossing the moon, odd noises in the night. Why should we care? Terrifitemps is there!”
A spotlight roved the landscape, stopping abruptly to illuminate a shrieking mass of eyes and claws and teeth. They were still cartoons, but they weren’t cute.
“Terrifitemps will give you the knowledge to deal with”—the voice chuckled—“well, just about anything!”
As the narrator spoke, the eyes, claws, and teeth were snared in a glowing net. “You’ll also be trained to use our special equipment—”
Another shriek, louder this time, came from the other side of the wall.
“Withers?” Lenny asked.
Karnowski glanced back at the outer office. “Has trouble with full moon. Video explains everything.”
More trumpets.
“Terrifitemps. Keeping the world safe for everybody else! Let’s begin your training!”
A chalkboard appeared on the screen. THE FIRST LESSON was written on the board by an invisible hand.
“And now,” the voice continued. “Lesson one, the most important lesson of all. Pay close attention. Your life may depend on it!”
Out in the main office, the banging and shrieking began again, so loud now that it almost drowned out the next fanfare. To Lenny, it sounded like a bad action movie was filming right next door.
The tall man frowned. “For this, even Karnowski must pause video.” He jumped up and hit a button on the VCR, then crossed to the door. For a large man, he was very quick. Lenny was right behind him.
The office next door was in chaos. Everyone was moving in every possible direction. Papers were flying through the air. Every rotary phone was ringing nonstop. And above all that racket, someone was squealing.
Someone, or something.
“Oh my god! What is that?” The words escaped his lips almost before he thought them. Lenny found himself staring at the world’s largest rat, or squirrel, or something. It was definitely a gray-furred rodent that was definitely six feet tall. It darted back and forth, now on top of a desk, now under another, as people tried to grab it with nets and hooks and hands.
“Is Withers,” Karnowski said. “But change does not happen until nightfall!”
“Usually,” Lenore replied as she stepped past Lenny. “Unless other forces come into play.”
Karnowski looked horrified. “Do you mean?”
“I’m afraid so.”
Everybody in the office (except the giant rodent) nodded as one.
Lenore excused herself and moved into the crowd as Withers jumped into a corner. He seemed to have calmed a bit. His pink nose twitched furiously as he carefully watched everyone around him.
Employees stepped out of the way as Ms. Siggenbottom strode across the room. She was headed straight for Lenny. “It is very fortunate you came today. We need all of your skills for what will come.”
Lenore emerged from the crowd. “I’ve got the gun.”
Lenny heard a muffled bang. A red-feathered dart stuck out of Wither’s hindquarters. The crowd hastily retreated as the giant rodent crashed to the floor. The very large mousey thing began to snore.
Lenny took a cautious step forward to get a closer look at the now sleeping beast. “This is Withers?”
Lenore nodded with a frown. “He’s a werevole.”
“His skills are somewhat more limited than yours,” Ms. Siggenbottom added.
“And what skills are those?” Lenny asked, not sure that he wanted to know.
“He has great tunneling ability, for one,” Ms. Siggenbottom replied.
“And?” Lenny broke through the silence that followed.
“Generally,” Lenore added, “the moment people see him, they scream ‘Oh my god! What is that?’”
“It provides us the opportunity to do whatever is necessary,” Ms. Siggenbottom continued. “A bit limited perhaps, but very useful.”
Lenny still didn’t get it. “So he always runs around and screams like that?”
Ms. Siggenbottom sniffed, as if that was the most foolish question she had ever heard. “Certainly not. He has far more control when his transformation is more—normal.”
Lenny watched as a couple of men propped the giant rodent onto a hand cart and wheeled him from the room. What was normal about a werevole?
“This was somewhat more dramatic than our last incident.” Ms. Siggenbottom’s frown deepened more than usual. “But we have dealt with problems like this before. In am afraid your training will need to be accelerated.”
“Do I finish watching the video?” Lenny took a step back toward the viewing room.
“No time,” she replied. “From here out, you are learning everything on the job.”
“We’ll all pitch in,” Lenore agreed, waving her gun. “Worst-case scenario, we blow things up.”
“Great teachers!” Karnowski agreed, pounding on his chest. “With luck, you learn great deal before you are killed!”
Ms. Siggenbottom glanced at her jewel-encrusted wristwatch. “Situation meeting in twenty minutes! Move people, or we will meet a fate like Withers!”
Chapter Four
The three short, hairy fellows began moving desks. Karnowski and Lenore started stacking plastic chairs. Everyone in the room was on the move—everyone but Lenny. With Withers out of the picture, Lenny didn’t just not know who to talk to—he didn’t know what he should do.
“Is very exciting, yes?” Karnowski appeared by Lenny’s side. “Karnowski remembers his first emergency! Run screaming, great panic, bloody death around corner! Very exciting!”
Great panic? Bloody death? There was a lot more going on here than a missing first day cover. Lenny wondered if he could still change his mind about this whole job thing.
Ms. Siggenbottom pulled out a large ring of keys and locked the door that led to the lobby.
Lenore paused directly in front of him and stared into his eyes. Once again, he felt as if her penetrating, green-eyed gaze could see into his very soul. “Odd that this should happen now, just when you’ve joined the team.” She pursed her red lips. “You didn’t talk to anybody who was”—her well-plucked brows furrowed in concentration—“uh, difficult to see?”
Lenny thought of the figures in the shadows outside his door. Did she already know? Especially if she could see into his soul? But even if she knew, what did it mean?
“Difficult to see?’ Ms. Siggenbottom tut-tutted at Lenore’s side. “She speaks of the Dimm, one of many groups whose goals are—different from our own. Actually, it is not odd at all that this should happen at precisely this moment, as you all will discover. Follow me.”
Lenore stepped to Lenny’s side as they followed the older woman. “You do have one very grave problem. Every time I look at you, I keep seeing—postage stamps.”
She looked away before Lenny could explain. Lenny wondered if she could sense anything about Sheila, too. Now why should that bother him?
Ms. Siggenbottom walked to the room’s nearest corner and nodded her head. Karnowski picked up a large, Chinese-style vase from the table there, revealing a large red button on the wall; a button pressed by Ms. Siggenbottom.
Lenny heard a deep rumbling sound, as though the subway was running on the next floor down. Walls slid away to reveal a great hall with a vaulted ceiling. The room was lined on either side with those huge computers Lenny remembered from 1950s science fiction films, the kind with lots of blinking lights and reel-to-reel tape decks. A long table of polished blond wood dominated the center of the room. It was surrounded by plenty of plastic chairs.
At least twenty other individuals had gathered at the far end of the room. Some of them did not look human.
Lenny’s attention was caught by a bright-orange handle on a rod that protruded from the wall just beyond the newly created opening to the hall. Immediately above this rod hung a large placard, maybe four feet by six, with foot-high glowing red letters that read DO NOT TOUCH THIS LEVER!
“If I might have your attention.”
Ms. Siggenbottom’s commanding voice cut through the confusion. Everyone paused to look in her direction.
She had traveled to the far end of the table while Lenny had been gaping in wonder. She stood now between a much-too-tall green fellow and what appeared to be a purple squid wearing a diver’s helmet.
She cleared her throat. Everyone hastily took a seat, Lenny included.
“Welcome to the Eastern U.S. headquarters of Terrifitemps International. Thank you all for assembl
ing on such short notice. Events have taken a dramatic turn, as we have been expecting.”
She paused to look directly across the table.
“Before I go any further, I need to introduce our newest Terrifitemp. We usually like to bring in our new recruits slowly, but current circumstances prevent this. We expect great things of this young man. May I present Lenny Hodge.”
A great rumble filled the room.
“Hi, Lenny!” the rumble said.
Lenny stood there, mesmerized by the sound of his name. That, and he thought he could watch the purple squid undulate for hours.
The room fell silent. He realized he was expected to respond.
“Hi, everybody!” he called back. His voice seemed to get lost in the room’s vastness. He raised his right hand in a half-hearted wave.
“And now, our situation,” Ms. Siggenbottom’s clear voice began again. “I will review matters quickly, so that both those old and new might understand.
“This is the day we have been preparing for. We know there are some who—oppose us. We have had two—incidents—already during the past week, one mere hours ago. An organization as powerful as Terrifitemps is bound to make enemies. And we have more than one.
“They go by many names. The Old Ones. The Teenie Weenies. Those Hideous Things No One Wants to Talk About. Evil Industries, Inc. S.M.U.R.S.H. And, of course, certain branches of the phone company.”
She paused to survey the room. “But why do they attack us now? There could be many reasons, and I am sure we will uncover all of them eventually through our investigations. But I suspect one of the primary reasons rests with our newest employee, the young man who you have just met.”
Every head in the room swiveled in Lenny’s direction. Lenny fought a sudden urge to hide under the table. What was Ms. Siggenbottom saying? The tremor happened because he was standing here? It was because of Lenny that Withers had turned into an oversized squirrel?
“Why is our Mr. Hodge so special?” the director asked. “He does not look special. Compared to many of us, he looks quite ordinary. He possesses absolutely no qualities to distinguish him from the crowd. He might pass you by on the street without you being aware of his existence.”
Temporary Monsters Page 3