“Are introductions all that important?” complained the male head; Lenny guessed that was Hector.
“I just thought it would be nice for Lenny to know who he was working for,” Lucille retorted. “Especially since we will be using his power to bring the cosmos to its knees.”
“Does the cosmos actually have knees?” the other head asked.
“It’s always been this way!” Lucille cried, flinging her long hair away from her face. “You can talk on a grand scale, but whenever I start, it’s nitpick, nitpick, nitpick!”
“I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee,” the buffalo chorused: “I’m going to Louisiana my true love for to see!”
“Lenny!” Lenore called. “You don’t have to let them do this. They are in your trance. You are in control. Use your safe—”
Another yelp. Another silence.
“What are all these interruptions?” Hector rumbled. “We are the Overlooked, but we will be talked over no more.”
“Not by common humans!” the Baron cried. “But newly fed vampires are—”
The Baron yelped as well.
Lenny didn’t want to see all his compatriots fall silent one by one. But what could he do, except snap his fingers?
He did so again. The next time the buffalo sang a line, the mermaids sang in harmony.
“It rained all night the day I left, the weather it was dry!”
“Should we silence the music as well?” Lucille asked.
“I think not. It has been so long since we have been able to gloat, it’s nice to be able to do so with musical accompaniment. And the music comes from Lenny’s power, soon to be ours as well.”
“The sun so hot I froze to death,” the buffalo and mermaids all sang in magnificent harmony. “Susanna don’t you cry!”
Lucille actually chuckled at that. “Sometimes we work so closely together, we forget what we can do. This is proceeding even better than I thought.”
“Isn’t it? First, we thought we’d introduce ourselves and acquaint Lenny with the inevitability of his fate. That’s what a future trance like this is for. But consider the possibilities—”
“Here he goes again,” Lucille complained. “Do you know how hard it is to live with somebody whose specialty is long-winded explanation? Maybe if I could take a vacation, I could see things in perspective.” She looked disdainfully over at her other head. “But no!”
“Hey, what about the pooka of Lennies yet to come?” Bob the horse spoke up. “Aren’t you forgetting something here?”
“Everybody wants to forget about pookas,” Lucille agreed.
“Oh yeah?” Bob said. “Well, onoma—”
Bob yelped.
“It takes a little extra effort, but we can silence pookas as well,” Hector said. “But as I was saying, think on it—The other deities are trapped in other realms, or have crumbled to dust. Raw power, raw hate, raw fear, all have passed away. But the Overlooked wield the one force that truly controls the universe. Unbridled passive aggression!”
Lucille nodded at last. “Why do we have to tell anybody any more of our plans? Why don’t we forget all about this trance business and take over the cosmos now?”
So the secret power behind Lenny’s fate would ramble on forever. He had lost all his allies to their mystic might. And, apparently, if he didn’t do something soon, his trance state would become the new reality for—well, everybody—and the Overlooked would take complete control.
But Lenny had not tried to speak. He hadn’t used the power of his own voice, in his own trance, to end the madness.
“Enough of this!” he said. “Onomat—”
Lenny yelped. He could no longer move his lips. He wasn’t even sure if he still had lips to move.
“Et tu, Lenny?” Hector said with great weariness. “Nobody truly knows the hardships of all-powerful entities.”
The buffalo and mermaids started in on another chorus. The twin heads bopped along to the beat.
“Oh, Susanna!” Hector sang along. He was back to gloating. “Poor Lenny, I’m afraid you’ll have to watch in silence as all your magical creatures swarm around you. You’ll be witness to your magic, but still powerless before our might. We will use your power, for we gave it to you, for safekeeping I suppose, until it was time for the Overlooked to wield it once again. Now your gift—our gift, really—will spread from your trance state to take over and reshape what you see as the real world. Until you, too, are consumed by the greatness that is the Overlooked.”
So that was Lenny’s legacy? He had been a convenient container for tremendous power; power that was about to destroy Lenny and everything he had ever cared about.
Lenny looked from one head to the other and back again. He still couldn’t say a thing.
Lenny still had his fingers. What the heck. One final snap.
“Hey dere, Lenny!” The troll ambled out of the fog. Lenny had held some faint hope that he might use this fellow as a weapon against the demigods. But as tall as this product of Lenny’s imagination was, the two-headed Hector/Lucille towered over the troll by a good six feet.
“Another of his fantastic creatures?” It was Hector’s turn to laugh. “One last entertainment before the world becomes eternally ours! Even if we don’t do anything with it!”
The troll looked entreatingly at Lenny.
“Do you know the way to the west woom?” he entreated.
Wow, Lenny thought. Did his talent create fully functional creatures, or what? It was a shame that, now that reality as he knew it was ending, Lenny wouldn’t have more time to appreciate his power, his creations, his own real life story. Still, he wouldn’t want the troll to suffer in what little time they had left. While Lenny might not be able to talk, he could still wave in the proper direction.
“Thanks, Lenny,” the troll replied cheerfully. “Omma gotta peea!”
The two-headed Overlooked screamed as one as Lenny’s gift once again saved the day, and the final, future trance faded to black.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lenny wondered afterward if the last part was a dream. How the Overlooked had vanished, leaving Lenny and his teammates surrounded by the legions of Foo. And, at that moment, how Lenny had known.
It was all so simple. He had known what to do, where to go, what it was all about.
Lenny whistled, and a great wind blew his enemies to the ground. He nodded, and the rest of Terrifitemps followed him from the room. He smiled, and was met by a company of singing buffalo, who guided them all from Foo’s lair.
So Lenny knew—what? For the life of him, he couldn’t remember.
***
Lenny awoke in the board room of Terrifitemps. He had no idea how he had gotten here, or exactly what had happened in the last few hours. Well, there had been that dream . . .
Images kept floating through his mind; walking through tunnels and parking lots and strangely empty hotels until they had stumbled upon the headquarters of Foo. He could hear arguments he had had with Sheila, and demands he had heard from Foo. He remembered that Sheila was Foo’s daughter. That was probably too shocking to forget.
There seemed to be something after that, too, but for now his memory was hazy, half formed, as if whatever had happened next was too large, or maybe too frightening, for his mind to hold. He looked around the room. The rest of his Terrifitemps team sat around him. The remainder of the large space was empty of everything save the large table and a few dozen chairs.
“I seem to have lost a ghost somewhere,” Karnowski the Ghost Finder remarked dourly.
Lenore looked over all their heads, as though she was searching for something far away. “It feels as if we have all been through a great shock. The swami was helping us, I remember that. Lenny was put into a trance, and then—something dangerous and terrible happened.”
Lenore glanced at Lenny, a stran
ge, sad smile on her face. Lenny wondered where that smile came from. Was it part of those things he couldn’t remember?
“Lenny was in the middle of it somehow. He almost lost everything.” Lenore’s smile faltered. “But then he saved us. Somehow.”
Lenny guessed everything Lenore said was true, though he couldn’t remember any of the details. It had something to do with his particular talents. What were they again—exactly?
Everyone sat in silence for a long moment.
Lenore spoke first. “I do have some good news. Somebody has left me this book.” She lifted an oversized paperback from the table. The title was large and easy to read: 1,000 Magical Cures Using Common Household Remedies.
She put the book back down. Everyone stared into space.
“Karnowski says something must be done!”
The dour fellow lifted the receiver of a black phone with a rotary dial and ordered takeout. “Is best food in neighborhood,” Karnowski assured Lenny.
They didn’t talk much until the bags of food arrived. Lenny wondered if they were all as exhausted as he was.
The team members dug into the paper and plastic containers. Whatever Lenny had been doing these last few hours, he was famished, too.
The Baron sat quietly by one side. “I am not hungry at all. I seem to have eaten recently.” He stood and straightened his cape. “Perhaps I should visit my wives. I feel I have been away far longer than I should have been.” He nodded at the others and headed for the elevator that led to his underground lair.
“Karnowski found ghost,” the ghost finder mused, “and then lost ghost. But ghosts have a way of coming back. Karnowski knows that better than anyone.”
Lenny tried to put his own thoughts in order. He did remember a fellow in a turban, and a spinning, glittering, fascinating jewel. His talent had done something bad. But then it had made everything right again. Besides that, what did he need to know?
Oh, some animals had been singing, but that was nothing new in his life. He knew he was forgetting something. Something very important.
Lenore put down her plastic fork and asked for the phone. She dialed only three digits. Lenny guessed it was an in-house call. She spoke briefly with whoever was on the other end.
Lenore hung up the phone and looked at Lenny and Karnowski.
“We’ve had enough time to eat and rest. We still have to rescue two of our fellow Terrifitempers. Since the Baron’s already left us, of course, it’s up to the three of us, and this book”—she waved the paperback—“to make things right.”
Lenore led Lenny and Karnowski down a corridor Lenny had never seen before. They stopped before a formidable steel door. Lenore pressed a button to one side of the entryway and said her name into an intercom. A loud buzzing sounded from the door lock. Lenore pulled the handle toward her and waved both Lenny and Karnowski in ahead of her.
They walked down a short hallway with a couple of nondescript and empty offices to either side. At the end of the hall was a single desk, above which Lenny could see the top of a white-haired head, nothing else. As they grew closer, he realized that the head was attached to a body; a very short body in a very bright printed dress. The hair atop her head was indeed very white, which complemented her wrinkled and frail form. The woman looked old enough to be the grandmother of Lenny’s grandmother.
“Lenore,” the old woman said without expression as the three of them approached.
“Estelle,” Lenore acknowledged in turn. “How are our patients?”
Estelle shook her head. “No real change. Ms. Siggenbottom still babbles on about corn dogs and the like. And Withers is very busy being a vole.”
“Are they eating?”
“No problem there. Withers is subsisting mostly on grass, but he did perk up when I found him a dead mouse. And Ms. S. only asks for one thing.”
“Corn dogs.”
Estelle nodded. “Every couple hours. The kitchen has just sent up number fourteen.”
Lenore nodded in turn. “I’m hoping we can speed up recovery for both of them. We need access to the padded cells.” She showed Estelle the Magical Cures book.
“Worth a try,” the old woman agreed. She turned and pointed to three more steel doors, set side by side in a wall some twenty paces behind her. “Ms. S. is in number one, Withers in number three. We left the middle one vacant so they wouldn’t hear each other quite so much.”
Terrifitemnps actually had padded cells on site? How big was this place, anyway? It reminded Lenny of Foo’s lair, and how the Terrifitemps team had hidden. In the comedy club? It was all starting to come back to him.
Lenore looked back at her team members. “Let’s work on Withers first. We don’t know how reliable this book could be. We don’t want to make any mistakes. If something were to go wrong . . .”
Lenore left the end of the sentence hanging in the air. But even Lenny understood why they were starting with a nonessential member of the team. Should their first experiment on Withers succeed, it was all to the good. If, on the other hand, there were unforeseen and perhaps even deadly consequences, well, it would be a shame. But then they still could find other, safer avenues to cure the head of their company, Ms. Siggenbottom.
Lenny supposed that, when the time came, he might be expendable as well. As he remembered more and more of his adventures with Foo, he realized that he had been taking a leader’s role more and more often. Now that he had returned to Terrifitemps, however, he was back to being an underling who knew next to nothing.
Lenore walked past the desk, heading for the three doors. Lenny and Karnowski followed, until all three stood before a door marked “3”—a large, white numeral in the middle of the steel plate. Lenore turned and nodded to Estelle. The door opened with a loud buzz, and the three of them entered the padded cell.
The cell was bright white, illuminated by a string of fluorescent bulbs strung across the high ceiling. The room had no furniture. It was completely empty, save for Withers, who was huddled in the far corner of the room. He lifted his round and furry head, sniffing at the air.
“Squee,” he announced. “Squee, squee!”
In the bright light, Lenny realized, the werevole was simply a very large rodent. Sprung upon an unsuspecting public, a werevole might be startling, but he certainly wasn’t scary.
“There, there, now Withers,” Lenore spoke in a soothing voice. “We’re here to help you.”
“Squee?” Withers replied in what Lenny thought was a pleading tone.
Lenore glanced at her co-workers. “I don’t think Withers will give us any trouble. Let’s look in the book.”
She opened the 1,000 Magical Cures Using Common Household Remedies, flipping back to a few pages from the end. “It’s got to be in the index somewhere.” She turned a couple more pages. “Here we go:
“Spells, reversal of.” She flipped forward a few pages. “It goes on for six pages in the index. Let’s see if there’s anything in here for werevoles.”
Werevoles? That sounded a little too specific to Lenny, but then, what did he know?
“Ah!” Sheila announced after a moment’s browsing. “Were spells, reversal of full-time transformation.”
She felt along the side of her stylish yet gothic-inspired black pantsuit, and pulled out a small pad and pencil from a hidden pocket. She wrote two short lists on two consecutive pages, then ripped the papers from the pad so she could hand them to Karnowski.
“Get Estelle to call down to the kitchen and have these delivered,” she said of the first page, then showed him the second. “And you should be able to find these things in one of the desks out there.”
She looked at Lenny as the ghost finder left the cell.
“Ask Estelle to show you the broom closet. We’ll need a mop and a bucket. Come right back, and we’ll get ready. When Karnowski returns, we’re going to put it all together. I
’m going to recite the spell, but you’re going to do the actual mixing of ingredients.”
Karnowski ran back into the room, carrying a handful of paper clips, a ragged old phone book (the date on the cover was 1997), and a stapler. “Estelle says the food is on the way up. I’ll bring it right back.”
Lenore nodded and smiled. Lenny decided he liked working with Lenore.
He guessed the sandwich was tuna on rye, and the wrapped package clearly identified its contents as peanut butter crackers. Whatever was in the pitcher Karnowski carried was steaming. Lenny looked at the last plate and wondered if it specifically had to be lime Jell-O.
Lenore turned to Withers. “Could you please step into the middle of the room?”
The werevole squeed his consent and hopped across the padded floor. Karnowski, his work done, took a step back to watch the proceedings.
Lenny concentrated on following Lenore’s instructions exactly, and did his best to keep any other thoughts out of his head. They worked quickly together, until Lenny shoved the mop into the bubbling mixture they had poured into the pail. He pushed the mop vigorously around in the soup, then pulled it out and swiped the wet mop-end once across Withers’s forehead.
The transformation was almost instantaneous, dark hair receding to reveal pink skin beneath. A lot of pink skin.
“Oh,” Lenore remarked. “Tell Estelle we need a blanket.”
But the old woman was already at the door, blanket in hand. Lenore quickly draped it over the shivering Withers, who clutched it tight around him to cover as much of his body as possible.
“Where am I?” He blinked at Lenny. “Oh yes, Mr. Hodge. We just met, didn’t we?”
Well, just before the transformation spell, Lenny thought. Who knew how much time had passed since then?
“We’ll explain it all later,” Lenore didn’t explain. “First we need to cure Ms. Siggenbottom.” She waved at the paraphernalia scattered across the floor. “Let’s take our work into the other cell.”
The Terrifitemps team, now including Withers, marched over to the other cell, and waited a moment for Estelle to open the door.
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