“I've heard day twelve is a good day to have sex,” Jane replied in a sympathetic tone. “But I'm not sure why you'd need that much lube.”
I had no idea what day twelve meant, but when it was time to try to get a bun into my oven, I figured I'd find out. Or I'd get translation from Jane.
“Did that work for you?” Rhonda asked, all eager for tips to success. “Day twelve?” She looked to me but I just shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea. I thought every day was a good day to practice.
Sure, I wanted kids. But I wanted them with a man after marriage. Call me traditional. Since I didn't have a man, the rest wasn't going to happen. Fortunately, my so-called biological clock wasn't keeping me up at night. Yet.
Jane chuckled. “Bobby was what you'd call a surprise.” She had two sons, Zach, seven and Bobby, four, with her husband—Goldie's son—who'd died a few years ago of a heart attack, or so I'd heard. I knew Jane outside of Goldilocks because I was Zach's first grade teacher.
It was Rhonda's turn to nod. “Well, we've been doing it day ten, day eleven, day twelve...you get the idea.” She giggled like a teenager. “Brad says that sperm can live in the intestinal tract for up to five days, but just to be sure we're doing it every day. So, I need lots of lube.”
My brain slammed on the emergency brake at Rhonda's words. Maybe I was new to the whole sex store thing, but I thought I'd learned something different about how babies were made in health class. I turned to look at Jane. She stood there as if an alien had just landed in front of her. Her mouth was open but no words came out. Her eyebrows were practically in her hairline. She cleared her throat. “Um, what did you say?”
Rhonda giggled again, looked left and right to make sure no one was listening. “Even though sperm can live for five days—”
Jane held up her hand to stop her. “Where?”
Rhonda lifted her shoulders up so they touched her ears, then back down. “The intestinal tract. Brad says even though that's true, we still need to have sex every day. Just to make sure.”
I couldn't tell if Rhonda was a complete idiot or her husband was a total jerk. Or both. I think Jane was debating the same thing. No wonder she needed all that lube.
With a swirl of perfume and big hair, Goldie joined us. I saw the poor kid she'd lectured dash out the door as if he was scarred for life by Goldie's 'talk.'
“Hello, Rhonda. How's your mother?”
“Hi, Miss Goldie. She's just fine. Plans on entering her sweet peas in the festival this year. I like your earrings,” Rhonda replied, switching topics. The Sweet Pea festival wasn't until early August, but those diehard growers who entered the annual contest already had seeds in the ground and sprouts climbing up chicken wire.
Goldie preened and touched her gold hoops. “What's new with you?”
“Um, Goldie.” Jane swallowed. “I think Rhonda may need your help.” She waved her finger toward Rhonda. I could see she was trying very hard not to laugh. She coughed and then cleared her throat. “Well...it seems that Rhonda's having a tough time getting pregnant.”
Goldie patted Rhonda on the arm. “Just keep trying, dear. Knowing Brad and how he fancies you, it's only a matter of time.”
Jane pinched her lips closed, tried to breathe through her nose and keep a serious expression, but a weird snort came out. Even I knew it wasn't good to laugh at the customers.
“She's having a tough time getting pregnant because—” I started, taking over the conversation. It was no use. I couldn't keep a straight face either. Trying to hold it together, I tilted my head down and rubbed my forehead as I continued. “Perhaps Rhonda, um...you can tell Goldie.”
Rhonda picked up the container of lube and hugged it close, like the baby she longed to have. “All of it?” she asked Jane and I. We nodded together like synchronized bobble dolls. Jane had her hand over her mouth. I bit the inside of my cheek.
“All right.” Rhonda turned to Goldie. “I came in to get more lube. We ran out last night. Brad says that even though sperm can live in the intestinal tract for over five days, we should still have sex every day to ensure we can make a baby, but it's not working.”
Goldie's mouth fell open, her head slowly shaking from left to right, her eyes falling closed for a moment. She whispered something to herself. I wasn't a lip reader, although I took a guess she said something between 'holy Mother of God' and 'holy shit.' Goldie placed her hand gently on Rhonda's shoulder. “Ladies, Rhonda and I are going to have a little talk in the back. We'll be out in a minute.”
Jane and I nodded again until the door to the storeroom closed behind them. Then we burst out laughing. So hard, in fact, that tears rolled down my face. I hadn't heard anything so funny, so absolutely ridiculous in a long time. That included Jane's story about how Bobby got his arm stuck in a patio umbrella stand. I only believed that one when I saw the photo.
It took a few minutes and we finally pulled ourselves together. In fact, I was still wiping my eyes with a tissue when Rhonda came storming out of the back room, dropped the drum-sized container of lube on the glass counter so hard the basket of free condoms jumped up in the air. She stormed out the front door with an evil gleam in her eyes.
Goldie approached the counter, leaned one arm on it and watched the door swing closed. “Think I should call the police and warn them? Come Tuesday, Brad will either be dead or she'll be pregnant, mark my words.”
I looked Jane in the eye and burst out laughing all over again. The phone rang and I answered it. “Goldilocks,” I said as I tried to pull myself together.
“I'm calling for Veronica,” a man replied. I didn't recognize the voice, but it was deep and appealing.
“She's not working today. May I help you?”
The man sighed. “This is her friend, Mike. I'll just try her cell phone.”
My heart went kerthunk. I knew that voice, after all. And other parts of the man as well. “Oz?” I asked. Mike Ostranksi was a close friend of my sister and a one-time lover of mine. Literally, one time. As in the night of high school graduation. Back then, I'd called him Oz, but hadn't since. Not that I'd seen him all that much. Even after all that time my blood pressure skyrocketed just picturing him in my mind. It was a very good picture: six feet plus of ginger-haired male perfection.
There was a pause. “Yes.”
“It's Violet. Veronica's in Florida. I'm filling in for her now that school's out.”
Mike swore. “Sorry, Vi.” I heard him chuckle, but it was a bit strained. “I should have known it was you. You're the only one who's ever called me that. I really needed Veronica for something.”
“Is there something wrong?” Just hearing his deep, sexy voice set my heartbeat into stroke territory. We may have only crossed paths a handful of times since we'd clumsily given each other our virginity, but that didn't mean I wasn't concerned. Or didn't continue to lust after him. Okay, I was mad at him for loving and leaving like he had, but a girl could still lust.
“No one's sick or anything. I just have a problem. I need a woman.”
My mouth fell open, not sure what to say. Now, more erotic images of the guy who'd filled—and fulfilled—many of my teenage fantasies jumped into my head. Mike, needing a woman? As if. He could have any woman he wanted. “Um...”
Mike chuckled again. “I mean...shit...it’s not like it sounds.” He paused and I could just picture him running his fingers through his red hair. I remembered how thick and soft it had been beneath my fingers. “I'm in Alaska at my uncle's house and there's this crazy neighbor woman who has decided I'm her future husband. Nothing I can say or do will get her to leave me alone.”
Goldie had gone to help a customer in the bachelorette section and Jane was rearranging the condoms in the free basket, which meant she was occupying herself pretending not to eavesdrop.
“Did you try telling her you were gay?”
“Yes,” he answered. “She didn't believe me.”
“Who would?” Shit. Had I said that out loud?
Mike Ostranski was Paul Bunyan personified: tall, brawny and frequently in a flannel shirt. He had gorgeous red hair, muscles that rippled and bulged in all the right places. And another bulge that I would never forget. He oozed testosterone from his pores and women were drawn to him like bees to honey. I knew that all too well.
To top it off, he was a doctor. Smart, hot, and sexy all rolled up in one. He was easily Bozeman's most eligible bachelor. Many women I knew thought so. He was a podiatrist and dealt with people's feet all day, which didn't hold much appeal for me. On the other hand, I dealt with kids who ate paste and, on occasion, wet their pants, so it was all relative.
“A woman fawning over you? That doesn't sound like a bad thing for a guy. In fact, it sounds like every man's dream.”
“Yeah, you'd think so. But no. This is a total nightmare. She's talking marriage and arctic-reared children. I've only known her for four days. Wedding bells? More like looney bin.”
“How much longer are you up there? Can't you just hold out a few more days?”
“Another week. Violet, the woman was naked. In my bed.”
A slice of jealousy ripped through me, even if he'd only been mine for one night. I didn't even want to think about how many women he'd been with since. “I still don't get it.” I tucked my slippery hair behind my ear. “What man complains about a naked woman in his bed?”
I felt Jane's eyes boring into the back of my head. I couldn't blame her interest. The conversation was intriguing.
“In this case? I do. When I want a woman in my bed, I promise you, she'll know it.”
“Oh, I know it all right,” I grumbled, well aware my time with him had been short-lived, so short in fact that he'd quickly moved on. I could have said it had been a summer fling, but it hadn't even been that. We'd grown up together, been only boy and girl for a stretch, then boy and girl who were attracted to one another but were too nervous to do anything about it. One summer night when we were sixteen, we'd made a pact. A pact that said we'd sleep together on graduation night if we were still virgins.
Since deep down, I had only wanted Mike, it was a pact I'd easily made and eagerly anticipated being fulfilled. I'd been a virgin when we graduated from high school. Mike must've felt the same, or hadn't had the moves to get into a girl's pants, because he had been one too. So we had one night. One time when we'd been something to each other. To show how much we'd felt for each other, how much of our feelings we'd saved up. Kept special just for each other. Our firsts.
He'd left the next week to be a counselor at the sleep-away camp in Idaho he'd attended every summer since he was seven. From there, he went directly to Stanford, then on to medical school, residency and life.
I'd spent the summer before college alone and hurt before heading to Tulane, then four years later had come back home to teach at my elementary school.
I'd seen him rarely since that fateful night. Mike was in school and then at hospitals around the country for years and years, rarely coming home. And when he did, I heard about his visits from my sister, who had somehow remained friends. The reason could've been that he hadn't slept with her. Hadn't connected with him the same way I had. Hadn't had one night that I recalled—and relived—frequently.
I wasn't a total dud in the men department, but Mike Ostranski had meant something to me. Once. The punch to the gut sensation I felt at his words made me realize he just might still. Which was just plain stupid. He might have moved back home and settled into his own practice, but he might as well have been in...Alaska, for all I'd seen of him.
“You know just what I mean, Vi.” Mike's voice went all deep and husky on me. Maybe he remembered that night, too. “Unlike you, this woman scares the crap out of me.”
I cleared my throat. “Wow. You're serious.” At least now I knew I didn't scare the crap out of him. Not much to go by. I fiddled with some scissors that were on the counter.
“As a heart attack. Which I might have if I don't get some help up here.”
“Help? What kind of help?” I put the scissors back and started folding little scraps of lacy lingerie, a way to keep my hands occupied. Even after ten years, the guy made me distracted. On edge. Flustered. He brought up feelings I'd locked away long ago.
“I need a temporary girlfriend. If Susan—that's crazy woman's name—is willing to climb in my bed, I don't want to think about what she might do next. I was hoping Veronica would come to Alaska and pretend to date me, so Susan will get the idea I'm not interested and get her claws into someone else.”
“Veronica's dating Jack now. I'd say they're serious. More than serious, in fact, so I doubt she'd want to pretend anything with you. I doubt Jack would be too keen on it, either.”
Mike sighed again. “Right. I knew that. Christ, I'm losing my mind.” He and Jack had grown up together and he was well aware of his friend's relationship status. I had no doubt Jack would be a little possessive of Veronica if his good friend even pretended to date her. Like a punch to the face kind of possessive. Mike paused. The static on the line was loud in my ear. “You come, Vi. You be my girlfriend.”
I darted a glance at Jane, who was surreptitiously watching me. I pivoted away. Goldie had one of those old-fashioned phones with a cord, so I couldn't escape the counter area. “Me?” I squeaked. “Be your pretend girlfriend? In Alaska?”
Be my girlfriend. Those were the words I'd longed to hear from Mike for almost half my life. But not this way; not in a pretend, very fake, sort of way. I wanted him to say those words and mean them because he felt for me, even because he had the hots for me, not because some crazy woman was naked in his bed.
“God, yes. Please Vi, I'm desperate.”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “What every girl wants to hear. That a guy is desperate enough pretend to date you, and you're at the bottom of the list.” I ran my hand over my face. “In fact, I wasn't even on the list!”
He was being a total jerk! He’d put me in my place. Obviously, last place.
“Vi, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel bad. Honest. We had something once. Something really good. It shouldn't be too hard to fake it now. You're on summer break, right? What else have you got to do?”
It was a toss-up if I should be insulted by his insinuation of lack of social life, or the fact that he thought I had to fake feelings for him. “I do have a life, you know,” I grumbled. Not a very exotic one, but it was all mine. “Maybe I have a boyfriend. Ever consider that?”
It wasn't as if I'd been waiting over ten years for him. Alone. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted. I wasn't hideous or anything. I was just...selective. That didn't mean Mike had to know that.
“Shit, Vi, I haven't been able to consider anything. This trip is a disaster. It's a family reunion so my mom's here, as well as the rest of my family.”
“Your mom's there?” I inwardly cringed. “I don't know, Oz. She doesn't like me very much.” That was an understatement of epic proportions. She'd run a karate school up until five years ago when she retired and sold the business. By run, I meant was the karate instructor, not office manager. I took her martial arts class when I was a kid for about three years. Not much of it had stuck and I dreaded every class because I wasn't very coordinated.
Mrs. Ostranski was no-nonsense and one of the only people who could tell the difference between me and Veronica. On top of that, she could kick the shit out of someone. Without breaking a nail. Not that you'd know it by looking at her. She was older now, but I wouldn't put it past her to do the Vulcan Death Grip on me if she ever found out what I did with her only son on graduation night.
“Your mom's going to know we're not dating. She knows everything.” What mom didn't?
“I haven't seen her much in the past two months. I've been on call a lot and she's been traveling. Vi, my mother's the one who lets Susan into the house. She wants grandchildren, but I didn't realize how much until this trip. At lunch today, Susan was standing there when I closed the fridge door. Scared the shit out of me. Do you k
now how creepy that is?”
“It sounds pretty creepy,” I repeated. Mike wasn't a guy to sound so desperate, so out of control. He was a man who took charge and could handle any situation. Any woman. Except a crazy one...or his mother.
“Well, do you?”
“What?”
“Have a boyfriend.”
I sighed, placed the lingerie back on the counter. “No.”
“So, be my girlfriend.”
I swirled the phone cord with my finger as if I were back in high school. “I'm filling in for Veronica to make some extra money for grad school. I can't just drop everything and fly to Alaska.” And deal with your mother. If she discovered the little ruse, she'd kill me with her bare hands.
“I'll pay you.” I knew he was desperate now. “Whatever. Just come. The woman's bat shit crazy. I can't handle bat shit crazy.”
This Susan woman, or Mike's mother, both fit that description, so I couldn't be sure whom he was talking about. I'd never heard him talk this way before. He fit the typical alpha male stereotype: strong, assertive, protective and commanding. Adding all those caveman qualities with rock hard abs and a drop dead smile, he was every woman's dream. On top of that, I'd heard Goldie and Veronica both hint that Mike was a man who liked to be in charge in a relationship. Dominant. And didn't that just burn my butter?
The fact that Susan was falling over him, literally, was not much of a surprise. The fact that he hadn't found a woman to claim was.
I turned around and Jane and Goldie stood right behind me, so close I took a step back and bumped my hip against the counter. Goldie lifted one blond eyebrow in a gesture that screamed 'tell me now.'
I put one hand over the receiver. “It's Mike Ostranski. He's at his uncle's in Alaska and he wants me to come up and pretend to be his girlfriend because there's a crazy woman who lives next door who wants to marry him and make babies. And his mother is helping her.” God, I was rambling.
“Is that all?” Goldie asked. “I thought there was a real problem.”
Knowing Mike could probably hear, I decided to be diplomatic. “I guess it's all relative. And it sounds like the woman's...um...bat shit crazy.” Again, since the description fit both women, I let Goldie decide for herself who I was talking about.
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