“As soon as I finish up this semester, I’m headed down there. My ass is tired of being cold, too.”
“That guy who answered? He your boyfriend?” I asked.
“Fred? Yes, that’s his name, Fred. Hell no he’s not my boyfriend. When Mom and Dad left and I moved out on my own, I felt better with a guy for a roommate. He’s kinda a jerk, but at least I feel safe when he’s home.”
“What do you mean jerk? To you?” I all but growled. Maybe the kid needed a lesson in manners before I left.
“Whoa there, Captain America. Not to me. Just in general. He barely talks to me. He goes to class, work, eats here, sleeps here, and leaves. He’s a great roommate in that sense.”
We exchanged numbers and promised to stay in touch. It wasn’t until I was in the rental car I thought about whether Emily would be okay with me being friends with Liz’s sister. If she didn’t like it, I’d have to explain to Reagan why I couldn’t keep in touch. She’d understand.
I was stalling. I knew I was, since I was driving the speed limit. I might’ve also circled the block twice. The entrance was coming up again, and before I could puss out, I turned right into the long driveway. I parked, grabbed Liz’s journal, and started walking.
When I found the spot I was looking for, I sat down in the grass and stared at the black granite headstone.
Eliza Renea Simmons. Next to her was a headstone with a heart and angel etched into the stone. Alesha Reagan Walker.
I had no idea that Liz had planned to give Alesha my last name. I was happy yet felt very undeserving. Alesha was Liz’s; she had carried her and nurtured her. I’d done nothing for them, nothing for Alesha. I didn’t deserve the honor of Alesha having my last name.
I opened Liz’s journal and began to read:
Jasper,
It has been a few weeks since we’ve spoken. Boy, that didn’t go as planned, and for that, I am sorry. I was so caught up in my own fear, I forgot about yours. I need you to understand that while this baby is unexpected, it is not unwanted. My fear does not equal indecision. I know now that I went about telling you about the baby all wrong. In my haste, I blurted out something that should’ve been handled with care. I haven’t called you back, not out of stubbornness or anger but because I know you. I know the boy you were and the man you have become. I know that you need time to process and you’ll come to us when you are ready. We both said some pretty hateful things to each other. I also know that neither of us meant a word we said. If there is one thing I am sure of that is, we share a deep friendship that is rooted in respect for one another. Our friendship will survive this.
There is one thing I said that I regret most. I told you I was disappointed in you. That is not the truth. I could never be disappointed in you. While our lives have taken us on different paths to different parts of the world, one thing has always remained true: how proud I am to call you my friend. You are loyal, brave, and trustworthy.
When the time is right, and you are ready, we will work through this together – as friends. Just because we are not married or even a couple doesn’t mean that we cannot love our child and parent him or her together. This child is as much yours as it is mine, and we will love it and share in all the joys together.
Always,
-Liz
P.S.
I am starting this journal for you. I will keep track of all my doctor visits and milestones so you won’t miss a moment of the baby growing. Consider this your first entry – morning sickness does not only happen in the mornings. It is morning, noon, and night sickness. This baby must be a boy and is already taking after the Walkers and proving to be difficult. (You know I’m right.) I will be glad when this part is over.
I closed the book and looked up and the gravestones.
“I’m so sorry, Lizzy. I should’ve been there for you. I shouldn’t have waited so long to call you. So many should haves. There are so many things I regret. I hope you knew how much your friendship meant to me. I hope you truly believed the words you wrote. I know we would’ve been good parents. I hope you forgave me. God, I wish you and Alesha were here. I wanted her, too, Lizzy. I promise you, I wanted her just as much as you did. I have to go.” I stood looking at both headstones. “I love you both.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight.
Emily
There was a knock on the door, and my heart slammed into my chest, then I remembered Jasper wouldn’t be knocking on his own door. I hadn’t heard anything from him since his last text message.
I checked the peephole and smiled.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Oh, nothin’. Just thought I’d come see a friend.” Lily held up a bottle of wine.
I stepped aside and let her enter. “Right. Because pregnant women often drive around with bottles of wine in their cars.”
“Fine. I thought you could use some company with Jason gone.”
“And Jasper.”
“Jesus girl. Can’t you play along? Fine. I was worried about you with Jason being with Connor and Jasper not here. I’m not being nosey. We can sit and watch a movie while you drink.”
“Come on, let’s sit. How are you feeling?”
I really didn’t want to think about Jasper or what he was doing. He said he wasn’t running, he just needed time. Only, he didn’t tell me how much time.
“Better now that I’m out of the pukey stage. I was like this with Carter, too.”
“Was Lenox gone a lot while you were pregnant with Carter?” I asked.
I couldn’t imagine having to go through pregnancy alone. I was lucky, and Steven wasn’t on deployment rotation until Jason was nine months old. His help was a godsend.
“Well, that’s a long story. I guess now that you know the truth I’m allowed to tell you. I’m sorry I lied to you all those times when Shane was gone. I hope you understand,” Lily said, her pretty face scrunched up.
“No need to apologize. I understand. Can you believe I actually thought that they worked checking in gear? Oh my God. Now that I know the truth it’s so obvious what they do.” I laughed.
“I’ve known Shane practically my whole life…"
Lily told me the entire story of how Shane Owings became Carter Lenox after faking his death. She explained that for twelve years on the anniversary of his death she would visit his grave. Her and Shane’s past was a crazy heart-breaking story. However, in the end, they found their way back to each other and were stronger for it. What I couldn’t believe was how strong and brave my friend was. I thought I had a rough few days with Liam and a bank robbery. She had witnessed multiple people being killed, including the man who had kidnapped her and held her at gunpoint. By the time she was done, I was stunned.
“As long as we’re sharing, I should tell you the truth about me and Steven.” And I went about telling her the whole sordid story.
“Wow,” Lily whispered.
“Who knew we were both hiding secrets so big?” I laughed.
“Got any more juicy secrets to tell me?” Lily asked.
By the time midnight had rolled around, I had polished off half a bottle of wine, spilled every secret I had, and laughed until I had cried. It was a great night. After the day I’d had, I needed it. I was scared to death I had gone too far and pushed Jasper away. I knew it was a risk, but one that had to be taken. If I wanted any chance at all to have a future with Jasper, he had to face what happened to Liz and Alesha. I didn’t want to be his crutch, I wanted to be his partner. What bothered me was he said I made him forget. That meant that he was sweeping it further under the rug. I had to think about Jason, too. He was already attached to Jasper and would be hurt if things didn’t work out.
“Thank you for coming over.” I hugged Lily at the front door. “So am I allowed to call Lenox Shane now? Shane fits him way better than Lenox anyway.”
Lily laughed. “That would be hysterical. Next poker night, you totally should.”
“Drive safe. Text me when you get home, please.”
&n
bsp; “Will do.” I watched as Lily got in her car and started it before I shut the door and set the alarm.
I had been worried how I was going to sleep with Jasper gone, but after all the wine I drank I was exhausted. I climbed into bed and tossed and turned waiting for Lily’s text. Finally, I gave up and grabbed the shirt that Jasper had worn yesterday and got back into bed. I pulled it close to my face and inhaled, sweat mixed with his deodorant filled my nose and calmed me. It was scary how in such a short amount of time I had become dependent on his smell. Lily texted me she was home, and I let sleep take me.
I wished Jasper was here.
***
Jasper
“Em, baby scoot over.”
Emily blinked her eyes a few times before focusing on me.
“Huh? What time is it?” she asked.
“Almost four.”
As much as I hated to disturb her, she was sprawled across the bed leaving no room for me to get in. I was so fucking tired. I debated spending the night in Montana, but after going to the cemetery, I couldn’t wait to get home. I hadn’t traveled all night to get back to her to sleep on the couch or Jason’s bed. I needed to feel her.
She moved over, and one of my tees was in her hand. “Baby, why’s my dirty shirt in the bed?”
“Because it smelled like you,” she whispered in her sleep.
She rolled to her side, and I slipped in next to her wrapping my arms around her. Her breathing evened out, and I held her close. I could not lose this woman. And it had nothing to do with me needing to forget. That was my guilt talking. It had everything to do with the fact that she was the one. The one that I had to let go of my past for, the one who was my future.
“I love you, Emily.”
***
Emily
I had the most delicious dream last night that Jasper was in bed with me and whispered he loved me. It was so real that when I woke up the room even smelled like Jasper. I rolled over and checked the time. Jason and Connor wouldn’t be back until dinner time so I had plenty of time to laze around before I had to run errands.
I did a double take and looked back at the nightstand. There was a shoebox and a red leather journal type book on top of it. I didn’t remember those being there when I went to bed last night. I got up and went to the bedroom door slowly cracking it open. Jasper’s voice came from the living room, and I tentatively tiptoed down the hall. Afraid I was walking to my execution. That’s what it would’ve been if Jasper was home to tell me we were done.
Jasper caught sight of me, his eyes doing a full body scan much like he’d done the first day he met me. Finally he met my eyes and his lips flattened in a hard line. That could not be good. He talked for a moment longer, and I began to mentally prepare myself for the death blow he was about to give me. I was trying to come up with something to make him stay.
“Copy that. Listen, Emily’s up. I have to talk to her, I’ll call you back.”
Jasper swiped the screen of his phone and put it on the table. He was shirtless and in a pair of low-slung athletic shorts. His upper body on full display, yet I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the view, I was too captivated by his gaze.
“Morning,” he said.
“Good.” I had to clear the lump in my throat. “Morning.”
“About yesterday. Can we sit down and talk?” he asked. I didn’t trust my voice to answer him. Instead, I walked to the couch and sat down. “I’ll be right back, I have to get something.”
He left me on the couch alone in my thoughts. The last few months played out in my mind, like a highlight reel. Every touch, every kiss, every sweet thing he had said to me. I remembered them all. How he’d saved my son and helped Connor recover. Sent my mom on a trip. Even if today my heart was ripped out of my chest, I regretted none of it. I would go through the pain of losing him a hundred times, if it meant I had had him, even for a short while.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jasper
This morning when I left a sleeping Emily in our bed, a few more things clicked into place. The first and most important thing was I was not going to let her leave me, no matter what. I would beg if I had to, but she and Jason were not walking out of my life. Emily was open and honest with me about everything; she trusted me, fully. I had not extended that to her, not entirely. I had never lied to her. She pretty much knew everything about me, with the exception of work. I trusted her, but not fully. Not the way she trusted me.
I had not believed she was strong enough to shoulder the pain I had felt. If I expected her to come to me with everything that hurt her or worried her, I had to do the same. And telling her about it wasn’t the same as allowing her to go through it with me.
I grabbed the box and journal off the nightstand and walked back into the living room. I didn’t sit on the couch next to her, instead on the floor at her feet.
Truth time.
“Thank you. Thank you for being strong when I was weak. Thank you for loving me enough to call me on my bullshit. You were right. I’m sorry I walked out of here yesterday. I promise you that will never happen again.” I looked up at Emily, and she was crying. I couldn’t stop now, I had to get this out. “You were right about everything. Yesterday, I went to Montana. I met with Liz’s sister Reagan and then I went to the cemetery to talk to Liz and Alesha. Reagan gave me a journal that Liz had made for me. I read the first page. I was hoping that you would go through the box and read the rest of the journal with me.” Emily was crying harder, her face in her hands. “Em, baby, you’re gutting me. If you don’t want to, I understand.”
“No,” she sobbed. “I want to. I want to be there for you. Thank you for trusting me.”
“I’m sorry I made you feel that I didn’t,” I told her.
With shaky hands and the warmth of Emily’s touch on my shoulder, I reached for the box and braced myself. I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me when I opened the lid. There was the smallest pair of patent white baby girl shoes I’d ever seen nestled next to a folded cotton blanket that looked like it had smears of blood on it. I gently pulled the blanket out and unfolded it.
Alesha’s hospital blanket.
I looked back in the box, and there were two hospital bands – one had Liz’s hand on it, the other was teeny tiny with Alesha’s name handwritten in small letters. The last thing in the box was a baby onesie in pink camo with the words, My daddy is my hero, and a pair of dog tags printed around the neck.
Both Emily and I sat in silence looking at the items. This box was all I had of my daughter. I turned my head to kiss Emily’s hand on my shoulder, her hand coming away wet. I hadn’t realized I had started to cry, but once I noticed, I let go. I was safe here, safe with her. My body shook, and I sobbed, finally letting it out. Emily slipped to her knees on the floor next to me and enveloped me in her arms, Alesha’s blanket between us. As sorry as I was for what I’d done, I couldn’t hold onto the guilt anymore. I would never forget either of them, but I wouldn’t let myself drown in my past either.
Emily pulled back and kissed my forehead, the same way I did her. “I love you, Jasper. All of you.” She picked the book up and started to hand it to me.
“Will you do it? Read it to me?” I asked.
“Of course.”
She sat down next to me and opened the book. She read the letter that Liz had written me first. When she was done, she looked at me with a broad smile full of love and strength.
“I can see why she was so special to you, she was a beautiful woman.”
And Liz, much like Emily, was a genuinely good person with a heart of gold.
Emily held the book between us and started to read. Over the next few hours, we cried together and laughed at some of the entries. Liz had a way with words, she interjected humor where she could and added personal notes to me. All of her thoughts throughout her pregnancy were in the book. What was missing from her journal were spite and bitterness. She never said one bad thing about my absence, only that she knew I’d come around.
>
After we’d both had time to digest Liz’s journal Emily turned to me. “You okay?”
“I am,” I answered.
***
Emily
Shocked would’ve been an understatement. I couldn’t believe that Jasper went all the way to Montana and home again in one day. And when he asked me to read Liz’s journal to him, he had effectively branded himself on my soul. His willingness to share something so personal with me without even knowing what was in the pages. Yet he trusted me to read them to him. He’d waited to come home to me before he opened the box. To share in something so heartbreaking with him cemented our bond. He might’ve started to construct the wall in which he wanted to hide behind, but quickly tore it down and let me in. Completely and totally.
And Liz? I was so sad not only for Jasper but the world that such a beautiful soul was taken so early. I felt like I knew her after reading her journal. She was funny, and witty, and so full of love and life. She wrote in one of her entries that she had dreamt of a Christmas dinner gathering. The dream occurred not long after she had found out that they were having a girl. She wrote that in her dream they were all laughing around a large table. Jasper was there with his wife and kids, and she was there with her husband and kids. They had come together as one large blended family around Alesha. She had been positive in their ability to parent together because she believed their friendship was so strong. I’d have to agree with her; they would’ve made it work. And I wished that dream could’ve come true, and I was the wife at that table. Another thing I loved: Liz never said mine, I, or me. Instead, she used we, us, together. Completely unselfish in her love for Alesha.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it was difficult.” I kissed his cheek.
“Em, I couldn’t have done this without you.”
I loved that. But, I was still a little nervous that even after all of this he still was holding onto the guilt instead of healing.
“How do you feel?” I asked.
I watched him closely, a gamut of emotions playing over his face. When he finally answered, my heart soared.
Freeing Jasper Page 18