But I tell her the only thing I’m capable of. “Let’s go to your place, baby. Shay and Jessica are at his house. We’re going to need some serious privacy for all the things I want to do to you.”
Her cheeks go pink. I love getting a reaction from her. Leaning over the table, I grab her by the back of her neck and kiss her firmly. She kisses me back with the same amount of passion. And while I do love her, I decide in this moment that I’ll never tell her so again. Saying that phrase has only ever led to things falling apart.
40
Amelia
* * *
Daniel’s holding my hand tightly as he leads me through the wall-to-wall people filling the brewing company. He gives nods and hellos to most as he goes, indicating that he knows them. As he should, since this is the launch party for Rogue’s tour.
They’ve been rehearsing non-stop for the last two weeks and will be leaving tomorrow night. Sophie has arranged this party. She invited me personally, but I hadn’t planned on attending. I figured it was really Daniel’s event and that he’d have a better time without me. I also wasn’t sure I was ready to run into Felicity. He insisted, of course, that I be here. That I come with him since we’re a couple.
Technically, that’s true. Although, a couple with a predetermined end.
He’s accepted my proposal that although we aren’t meant to last because of the fact that we can’t agree on this huge thing of having children together, we can enjoy each other for a while longer. It’s not really what I want, of course. But it’s the only viable option.
We’ve spent every night together since that talk two weeks ago. And every time we have sex, he’s fanatical about using a condom. I don’t take it to mean he doesn’t trust me, but I do think he’s not kidding when he says he does not want kids. I’ve come to accept that there’s no amount of counseling I could do to convince him to change his mind. We both know my lack of professional distance has made that an impossibility. And I wouldn’t want to try to change his thoughts on the matter because there is a very good chance that he’d end up resenting me for it at some point.
And so, I’m left with the understanding that as much as I feel for him, our relationship is finite. I can still vividly remember the way his face looked when he realized that was what I was saying. His instinct was to reject such a notion. He looked hurt by the suggestion that we would go our separate ways after a time. But I think he soon realized this was the only way to not say goodbye right away.
Funnily enough, that’s what this night is about. It’s our last together for the foreseeable future. We don’t yet have a plan for me to join him on tour for a visit. I hope that will come, but I’m realistic enough to understand that him going away like this might just be the easiest and most inevitable way for us to end things. I’d be sad about that, but I’ve accepted that I don’t have a lot of choice in the matter. The truth is, we want different things and there’s no getting around that.
At the back of the brewing company Sophie has bought out for the night is a VIP room of sorts. Or at least that’s how it appears to me because it’s where all the band members, their significant others, and James, their manager, is. I recognize a few others of their inner circle from the one time I met Daniel at the band’s rehearsal space, including Randy, Conor’s guitar tech, and Pádraic, the head lighting engineer. But there are others who are coming and going, making this area more accessible than I had originally thought. The fact that all the band members are in this area likely has less to do with them separating themselves than that they always seem to gravitate toward each other. Daniel’s remarked upon that several times before, seeming not to understand why they spend so much time together without realizing he’s become part of that himself.
In any case, the room is a comfortable space with sofas, armchairs, a fireplace, and its own small bar. The bar is where I first see Felicity. She’s got her back to me as she’s ordering something. I take a deep breath to force myself to relax.
“You made it,” Sophie says in greeting.
She’s smiling warmly and giving me a hug before I see it coming.
“Daniel,” she tells him before giving him the same treatment.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” he tells her.
“Well, Amelia, welcome,” she says. “I hope you’ve got some staying power because these things tend to last into the morning.”
“Really? I, eh, I’ll do my best,” I say.
“It is a celebration,” Daniel says.
Sophie laughs. “I think it’s become a bit of a tradition, anyway. Having a party before heading out on tour and making it last, that is. The boys will tell you they’re just having a good time, but I think they might do that so they can sleep on the flight out all that much better.”
“I can imagine.” I feel awkward with her despite how unaffected she is. But my missteps when I was at her house are at the forefront of my mind. I struggle for something else to say. “And how are Daisy and Hale?”
“They’re good. Thanks so much for asking.”
“They’re being watched at home?” It’s a pointless question. Of course, they’re being well taken care of. I only ask because I’m trying to come up with small talk.
But Sophie is kind and smiles gently. She’s wearing slim-fit jeans with electric-blue heels and a white Rogue tee shirt that’s tied at the waist had has the sleeves and neckline cut off, revealing a glimpse of the baby-blue bra she’s wearing. Standing next to her, I feel even more out of place than I thought I might. She’s not only a supermodel, but the epitome of “rockstar wife.” I, once more, understand why Felicity had had such a hard time coping with Sophie’s seeming perfection.
When she touches my arm familiarly, I lean toward her involuntarily.
“You remember our nanny?” she asks, and I nod. “She’s taking care of the kids tonight.”
Nodding, I tell her, “Yes, of course.”
“Why don’t you two get a drink. There should be plenty of food out, too. If there’s something else you want, I can have the kitchen make it up for you. Just let me know.”
“Thanks, Sophie,” Daniel says. He looks at me. “I’ll get us something.”
I nod just as Sophie gets pulled away by James. Left alone, I wander over to the fireplace and try not to look so conspicuous. Daniel will likely be getting me a glass of white wine and a beer for himself. Since getting back together, we’ve had the occasional drink but stayed away from hard alcohol. It seems almost arbitrary to put limitations on Daniel’s drinking at this point. I should never have put conditions on him anyway. Just as I would not want him to have a child with me for my sake alone, I shouldn’t want him to stop drinking only at my behest. These are both things that he needs to want for himself.
Even with that in mind, I’m surprised when he comes back with wine for me and a tumbler of whiskey for himself.
He raises his glass to me when he sees what must be a judgmental look on my face. “This is a celebration, remember?”
I nod and bite my tongue. Shay and Jessica approach us then, and I’m grateful for the distraction. It’s good to see them and we spend a while chatting. After a time, Shay and Daniel are pulled away, leaving me with Jessica.
“Daniel told me about your engagement. Congratulations,” I say.
“Thank you. It was really a perfect moment.” She looks lost in the memory before laughing. “Shay was so himself. He was fumbling and romantic and so lovely. It was really sweet.”
“I don’t suppose you know when you’ll get married?”
“Oh, yes, I do! I’m planning on sending out a save-the-date announcement in a few days, actually. It’ll be in August in Napa, when the band is on a tour break.”
“Wow! That’s great. You’ll have your little one with you for it.”
Jessica rubs her belly and nods. “Sophie’s going to help me with all the details. I think it’ll be elegant and low-key.”
“Sounds very like you two as a couple.”
“Sp
eaking of couples,” she says, “how are you and Danny Boy doing? We were all a little surprised you didn’t make it to Rio with us. He seemed a bit out of sorts without you.”
“I was with my sister and her family for the holidays.”
Jessica watches me expectantly, my answer clearly not enough.
“And he and I are good. We’ve just realized we’re a bit more . . . casual than we might have thought.”
“Oh, um, I see.”
She looks so uncomfortable with this bit of information that I reach out to touch her arm. “It’s okay. He and I, we’re in a good place. We know what we’re getting out of this.”
I’m shocked to see her eyes tear up.
Wiping at her eyes, she forces a laugh. “It’s the pregnancy hormones,” she says. “I just . . . I like you a lot, Amelia. And I really like you with Danny Boy.”
This touches me, and I struggle for a moment, too. We meet eyes and after a moment laugh.
“Well, no matter what, I want you to come to the wedding, okay?” she asks.
“I’d love to.” Taking a deep breath, I push aside the emotion. “Oh, I haven’t told you, but my sister is pregnant.”
“That’s great. How is she feeling?”
We happily veer off into talk of pregnancy and children. Standing there by the fire, we chat easily as others come and go, joining in with us. First, it’s Sophie, who confesses that she’s hoping to get pregnant again. Then, I meet Lainey Keeler, Martin’s movie-star girlfriend. She’s so unassuming that it’s easy to forget that she’s known the world over. She tells us all about the house she and Martin have just purchased in Dublin. They plan to live together full time once he’s back from the tour and will split their time between the house here and the one she has in Santa Barbara.
The conversation is easy, but in one way or another each woman gets pulled away, and I’m left on my own once more. This solitude isn’t uncomfortable anymore, though, since I’ve received such a warm welcome from these lovely ladies. I’ve almost forgotten my nervousness over seeing Felicity. Admittedly, that has also been made possible by the fact that she’s been avoiding me just as much as I’ve been avoiding her.
“Another drink, baby?” Daniel asks, as he holds out a fresh glass of wine for me.
I’ve long since finished my first and am ready for this refresh. He’s apparently had more than one, though, because he looks buzzed.
He grabs me around the waist and pulls me in for a kiss before leaning down and nuzzling my neck. “Fuck, I’m going to miss you,” he murmurs.
“Because you love me,” I tell him playfully.
“Because I don’t know how to do Amelia withdrawals.” He bites my earlobe, making me laugh.
At the same time, I’m aware once more that he hasn’t told me he loves me since the day he first made the declaration. I don’t blame him for employing this self-protection method. But I also don’t shy away from telling him I love him. It’s important for him to hear it. For him to know it’s possible.
“Stop, that,” I tell him when he keeps teasing me with his mouth. “It tickles.”
“Before we leave here, I’m going to fuck you proper in the Jacks.”
“Shh! No, definitely not with all these people around.”
I pull away to find he’s got a loopy, mischievous grin on his face. Suddenly, my heart aches at not being able to see him every day. Touching his cheek, I smile up at him.
“I love you, Daniel.”
I expect him to change the topic, just as he has for the past couple weeks. But for a moment it looks like he might return the sentiment.
And then I lose him.
He forces his eyes away from mine and then he spots something that he deems a suitable distraction.
“Felicity,” he calls. “Felicity, come over here.”
I follow his eyes and see that Felicity has turned at the sound of her name and now has no good excuse not to join us. Though I want to stomp on Daniel’s foot for forcing this issue, I remain still, with a smile fixed to my face.
“You two know each other, yeah?” he asks.
“We did, once upon a time,” Felicity says. “Well, I suppose you knew me far better than I knew you, actually.”
Though she’s come out swinging at me, I’m determined to remain neutral. I have no desire to hit back at her. I’ve only ever wanted her to know what I’d said in the letter I’d given Conor for her: that I am sorry for deceiving her, that I appreciated her friendship, that I always took our relationship as something genuine, and not as contrived as she ended up thinking it was. And mostly, that I would love to find our way to a friendship once more. But just as with Daniel, I know I can’t force her to see my viewpoint. I can’t force her to want what I want.
“How are you, Felicity?” I ask.
“Doing well,” she replies blithely. “I need to refill my drink, though.”
“Okay.” I nod and avert my eyes.
“Oh, come on,” Daniel says, when Felicity starts to turn away. She stops and looks at him. “Give it a chance, Felicity. This thing between you two is old fucking news. Let it go, already.”
She smiles tightly. “Danny Boy, it would be best if we just let this lie.”
“Fuck that,” he says, and I can hear the alcohol in his voice. He’s had more than I realized. “Grow up, already and just have a normal chat. That’s not so much to ask.”
“I’m sorry,” I say to Felicity. “You don’t have to feel forced to do anything.”
“No, that’s not true,” Daniel says. “Amelia is my girlfriend. You should have enough respect for that alone to be decent to her.”
I can see her struggling with herself. She’s a kind person, but the wound I inflicted upon her when she was at one of the most vulnerable times in her life is still there. I can understand that she’d want to be protective of herself, that she’s wary of what she’d get from me. But in the end, she seems to relent, because when she speaks again, her tone is softer, more open.
“How have you been, Amelia?”
I fight to keep my smile a reasonable size, even though it’s hard to control how relieved I am by this small opportunity to be back into her good graces.
“I’ve been well, thank you. I’m, em, starting a new job as a school psychologist next week.”
“That’s an interesting change of direction,” she concedes.
“I thought it would be a good way to take a step back from therapy, while still being able to help at a broad level.”
Felicity nods, seemingly satisfied with this.
“And how are Romeo and Ella? They must be so big.”
She can’t help her own smile now. “They are. It’s amazing how fast it goes.”
“Are they with Lizzy tonight, then?”
“No—” she starts but Daniel cuts her off.
“Careful, Felicity. My Amelia is probably ready to offer her own babysitting services. She’s got—what do you call it?—baby fever. That’s what it is!” He laughs, drunkenly amused at himself.
“Oh, I—”
Again, Daniel interrupts her and what he says makes me want to run out of the room in embarrassment.
“Only, there’s no way I’m going to be the cure for that. Right, Amelia?” He nudges me as if we’re pals. “So, our relationship is winding down by year’s end. That’s the right timing, yeah, baby?” I cringe and close my eyes, but he looks at Felicity and nods. “Yeah, that’s how it is. I dunno, maybe you’ll be glad that she won’t be around anymore after that. No, she’ll be off looking for some man who is happy to impregnate her since it won’t be me. See, I’m not looking to be a dad, but she’s positively in heat over it—”
“Stop it,” Felicity says sharply, surprising both me and Daniel. “Stop that talk right now.”
“What? It’s only the truth.”
“Danny Boy, you need to apologize for hurting—for humiliating—Amelia.”
He laughs. Of course, he laughs. And it tears at my heart. But I kno
w he’s drunk and acting out. And I set this all up in the way that I put a time limit on our relationship. Once more, I’ve sabotaged my relationship.
“Look at you coming to her rescue,” he says. “Thought you couldn't stand her. That what she did was un-fucking-forgivable.”
“You can stay out of that issue,” she says, and looks past us anxiously. She spots Conor and calls him over.
“Hi, Amelia,” he says, when he joins us. He’s got that seductive small smile on his face, the one I first saw in person when he came to my office to ask about his wife’s well-being. He’s so effortlessly handsome it’s disarming.
“Em, hi,” I say and look away. The whole thing is too awkward. I’m thinking of how I can excuse myself so I can get a taxi home when Felicity speaks again.
“Con, take Danny Boy somewhere else. He’s being an arse. And I need to speak with Amelia.”
Both Conor and Danny Boy laugh reflexively. But Conor soon realizes Felicity is deadly serious and does what she says.
“I’m so sorry he did that, Felicity,” I say. “He’s—”
“He’s Danny Boy,” she finishes for me. “I know him well enough by now. I’m not surprised by him. I just, I’m sorry that things aren’t working out with him the way you hoped.”
I’m struck by this act of generosity. But then, she knows how I feel about him. I told her how drawn to him I was even before I identified who he was.
“I appreciate that. I suppose if you never try you never know, right?” My attempt at nonchalance is betrayed by the tears in my eyes.
“So, you’re ready for children? And with Danny Boy?”
I laugh at the skeptical look on her face. “I know it seems unlikely. The thing is, he really does make me happy. But I have been caught up in this insatiable desire for a baby—baby fever, I suppose is a good term,” I say with a laugh. “So, it’s just better that we know early on that we’re not truly compatible since we want completely different things out of the future.”
Problematic Love (Rogue Series Book 8) Page 21