That throws him for a loop. I can see him trying to sort out where it’s coming from and coming up empty. “And so, you did,” he says.
“I’m not sure how well I did with all that. I sometimes wonder if I should have just let us go into care. Then, you would have had real parents because you were a cute kid. You’d have been snatched up and adopted right away.”
“That’s nonsense talk. You did the right thing in keeping us together.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to argue the point. I’ll never know if Shay could have been better off. Not with me having made the selfish decision to keep him with me. Because that’s what it was: selfish. I needed someone else in that god-awful house.
“I’m telling you, it was the right thing,” he insists. “You were better to me than any stranger could have been. You made sure I had food and wasn’t too filthy. You stole that one book–—James and the Giant Peach, it was—and read it to me over and over. You made me laugh all the time. You were . . . my lifeline, Danny Boy. You figured it out and I’m so grateful you did what you did.”
“You honestly believe that?”
“Listen, I don’t know how you had it in you to handle things like that. I wouldn’t have been able to do it. But you did. You were the one who gave me love and comfort. You were the only one who did. It’s pretty fucking remarkable when you think about it.”
Now I’m the one to nod slowly, then with resolve, as I allow myself to accept what he’s said. Doing so makes me realize I’m capable of more than I thought was, meaning I don’t have to close myself off. I don’t have to deny myself—or Amelia—the thing that could offer us a way back to each other. The thing that could, in fact, assure us of real happiness.
I clap Shay on the back. “Thanks, kid,” I tell him. “You have no idea how much this helps.”
He watches me in that too intense way for a long moment, but I don’t offer anything more. Finally, he sighs. “Grand. Shall we catch up with Gav and Con?”
“Yeah, let’s move on.”
We start walking the trail again and that forward momentum of both the hike and the thoughts in my head is incredibly satisfying. It is a genuine pleasure to know where I’m going.
49
Dublin
* * *
Amelia
* * *
I’ve changed my mind a million times about going to Shay and Jessica’s wedding. But on the millionth and first time, the decision is to go. Moira helps me pack. Well, that might be a generous description, given that she’s mostly supervising from her supine position on my bed. Her nearly nine-months-swollen belly and impending birth is a good excuse not to be up and about. It’s also a reminder of one reason why I said I shouldn’t go all the way to America. Even though she isn’t due for another three weeks, she could very well go into labor while I’m gone.
“I should stay,” I say. “I don’t want to be so far away in case the baby comes.”
“The baby isn’t going to come early,” she says. “And anyway, you’ll have his—or her—whole life to be there.”
“I was there when Max was born.”
“And how well does he remember that? Not at all. And neither will this baby. If it helps any, we’ll photoshop you into a few delivery room pics if it comes to that.”
I laugh. “Sounds like a fair trade.’
“Really, Ame. It’ll be okay. I’m excited for you to go and have a lovely time.”
“Lovely? Or Awkward?”
“Do you think Daniel will do something crazy when he sees you? Maybe climb the walls?”
“Aren’t you funny,” I say sarcastically.
“I’m just trying to lighten the mood.” She pets Alfie thoughtfully. “Honestly, what do you think it will be like to see him? I hope you won’t come back in that same kind of dark depression you had the last time.”
I try to put on a brave smile, but even thinking about how I felt when I came back from Montreal is an unwelcome memory. Leaving him in that hotel room, I had gone straight to the airport and waited for hours before I was able to get a flight. I had to go to Germany before getting another plane back to Dublin. All because I felt compelled to make a dramatic getaway. It was immature and only added to the sadness I felt over losing him.
Once home, I’d thrown myself into work, even more than I had before. I had a continuing education training session during the first part of the summer, so I spent every day sitting in the front row of the class and every night at home studying. When Moira coaxed me out of this solitary existence, she could tell straight away that I wasn’t doing well.
She tried her best to pull me out of myself, but I just ached all over. There was no way to cut short the grieving process. Because that’s what it was—grieving. I had invested so much in Daniel, in the possibility of us, that when it was gone, I felt a profound loss.
Eventually, Moira’s efforts, combined with Sophie and Felicity’s, helped take the edge off. I’d been doing better, establishing a healthier routine that wasn’t all about work and avoidance of friends.
Then the invitation to a destination wedding in Napa, California arrived in my letterbox. I pushed it to the bottom of the junk-mail pile and would have ignored it entirely had Jessica not rang me to follow up. It didn’t take much for me to say yes to attending, especially not when she said how much she wanted me to meet Carmen. I didn’t mention Daniel, but I’m sure she realized how difficult seeing him might be because she was sure to tell me that he wouldn’t be bringing any special “friend” to the wedding. That he had, in fact, not met any special “friends” since Montreal.
Though I’m glad I won’t have to contend with him being with another woman, I’m still incredibly nervous to see him once more. Hence, the reason why I’m only now packing for the trip even though I need to be in a taxi and on the way to the airport in less than an hour.
“Well? What do you think?” Moira says.
She’s not asking about my wardrobe for the trip. She’s asking for an answer to her last question.
“I don’t know, Mo. And I’m doing my very best not to come up with elaborate fantasies about it.”
“Ooh, elaborate fantasies. I like the sound of that,” she says with a laugh.
“You’ll take care of Alfie, right?”
Thankfully, she allows me to change the subject. “I will. Don’t I always, Alfredo?” She rubs him between his ears, and he takes the opportunity to forcefully nudge her hand with the side of his face.
“Thanks for that. And for being here. I know it’s not easy in that state of yours.”
She laughs, grasping her belly with both hands. “I am a walking bowling ball, that’s true.”
“You’re beautiful,” I counter, watching her with a mixture of love and regret. “And I can’t wait to meet this little one.”
“Your time will come, don’t you worry.”
“Yes, I know I’ll get to see the baby one way or the—”
“No, I meant, you’ll be a mother, too. I know you will.”
My eyes fill with tears as I go to her and give her a hug.
50
Napa
* * *
Amelia
* * *
“Danny Boy’s gone missing.”
That wasn’t the greeting I expected from Conor.
He looks absolutely dashing in his slim-fit, navy-blue suit. But the concern on his face and his alarming words keep me from enjoying the view for long.
I’ve just arrived for Shay and Jessica’s late afternoon wedding. In fact, I haven’t even gotten as far as the venue’s main entrance and still have my travel bag by my side. I had waited so long to confirm my attendance that Jessica wasn’t able to get me a room at the wine country resort where their ceremony is taking place until tonight. I came in from Dublin late last night and went straight to a side-of-road-motel for a quick rest. My jet-lag had me sleeping well into the day, though, and I’ve rushed to get here, only to be surprised by Conor intercepting me.
>
“What do you mean ‘gone missing’?” I ask.
“He was here, but now he’s gone. Nowhere to be found,” he says, exasperated.
“Have you phoned him?”
“Yes. His mobile is in the room where Shay and the lads are waiting for the ceremony.”
“Where’s Roscoe?”
“In the same place as his mobile.”
“Well, why would he just leave?”
He gives me a meaningful look.
“I’m to blame, you’re saying?” I ask with an uncomfortable laugh.
“I don’t know. Maybe. He’s been really off the last few days, spending a lot of time at the outskirts of our group, but sort of watching us all at the same time.”
I recognize that kind of withdrawal as a red flag because it’s how Daniel himself has described the way he would behave when he knew he was losing the battle with his addiction. He’s told me that he can be surrounded by all the most well-meaning people in the world, but when something shifts in himself and he knows he can’t stay sober, the best he can do is try to sit with that understanding before acting right away. Before I met him, he had done this very thing. By his accounting, he’d been in San Francisco with Shay, in a restaurant with a big group and feeling completely outside of it all. That was when he decided he would go back to heroin. And it didn’t take long for him to act on that.
I grab Conor’s forearm. “We need to find him.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you,” he replies. “But more than that, we need to make sure this doesn’t ruin Shay and Jessica’s day.”
Looking at my watch, I realize that I haven’t adjusted the time. I’m all out of sorts, not even properly dressed for the wedding. I thought when I rushed from my motel that I would have plenty of time to check-in, shower, and put on the dress I’d bought just for the occasion. Instead, I feel the heat of the day running down my lower back, under the simple tee shirt and jeans I’m wearing.
“How much longer until the ceremony?” I ask.
“Marty’s game to do something to buy us some time. He said he’d get his boys in on some sort of distraction. Felicity is going to manufacture something, too. There’s cocktails now for a welcome reception on the terrace. The ceremony is supposed to be in about forty-five minutes. With adding in those delays, I’m guessing we’ve got another thirty minutes on top of that at most.”
“Where do we start, then? I have no idea where I am or where he would go from here.”
“First, I want to go back to the house where we’re all staying. See if he grabbed any of his things.”
“Okay. And what can I do?”
“Keep your mobile on you. Give me updates on the timing and whether Shay realizes anything’s up.”
“Is that all I can do?”
“Unless you can think of what kind of Danny Boy spectacular your man is working up, this is it.”
I shake my head in defeat. “I’m sorry if I caused this.”
Conor had already started to turn away, but now he looks at me. “No, it’s not on you, honey. I shouldn’t have suggested it might be. This is his burden to bear. And I’m glad you’re here. Really, I am.”
“You’ll find him?”
“I’ll do my damnedest.”
He says this so confidently that there’s no choice but to believe him. I nod and breathe easier.
Left on my own, I hurry inside. I quickly realize that despite the exterior of the building having a rustic, built-into-the-mountains feel, I am actually in an ultra-high-end resort. The expansive main lobby is all clean, bright marble and wood trim, large vases with fresh wildflowers or vibrant fruit, and spotless floor-to-ceiling windows showcasing a view of lush hills and rows upon rows of picturesque grapevines.
I’m greeted warmly by the staff, my bag eased from my hand, and quickly taken to my room without having to deal with any check-in. Jessica had said they were happy to pay for the room, which I thought was a lovely kindness. It’s only as I’m shown to the most magnificent suite I’ve ever been in that I realize it was an intensely generous gesture. The space is larger than my apartment, with high ceilings, wood beams, and soothing neutral decor. There’s a large-screen television set into the wall above a gas fireplace, a sofa, and a separate sitting area with a bottle of wine ready to be enjoyed. It has the same spectacular views as the lobby.
I can only imagine how luxurious the bed in the next room feels, because I don’t have time to test it. I race through taking a shower and dressing. As I run out of the room after doing my hair and makeup in record time, I curse the fact that I’m wearing brand new heels because with this heat, I’ll surely have blisters within minutes.
Back in the main lobby, I ask the first hotel staffer I see, a young woman, where I can find the Donnelly/Hall wedding.
“It won’t be hard to find,” she says pleasantly. “They’ve bought out the whole resort just for the occasion.”
“Oh,” I say, astounded once more by the kind of wealth Shay has.
“The flow of the event,” the young woman continues, “is this: wine tasting and cocktails for the pre-ceremony reception just there on the part of the terrace with the pergola.”
I follow the hand she’s using to point out the area and see that there is a live three-piece jazz band entertaining the sixty or so guests out on the terrace. There are several tasting stations set up on bars made with wine barrels for bases. Cocktail tables adorned with bunches of lavender in mason jars and with ivory tablecloths gently swaying in the breeze dot the space.
“The ceremony itself will take place just beyond that part of the terrace. It overlooks the vineyards below us.”
I can just make out the chairs, along with an ivory runner in between the rows, and an arch made, it seems, entirely out of flowers.
“Then, there will be more cocktails down by the pool, followed by dinner among the grapevines. You can’t see that area from here, but it’ll be easy to find when the time comes. There’s also a tent for music and dancing.”
“It sounds like a fairy-tale wedding,” I muse, forgetting my mission for a moment.
“We certainly hope so. Are you with the bride or groom?”
“What? Oh, I, em, both, actually.” I look at my mobile to be sure I haven’t missed any calls. Nothing. “Can you please direct me to where the bride is at the moment?”
“It’s my pleasure,” she says, and steers me down a groomed stone-path trail to an unattached cottage just off the main resort building.
I can hear the chatter of multiple conversations and even the pop of a champagne bottle. I’m glad that nothing seems amiss from their side of things.
Tentatively, I push open the door and peek inside. It’s a lounge of sorts but crowded with a dozen or so women. My eyes find Jessica first. She’s hard to miss in her white embroidered off-the-shoulder trumpet gown. It hugs her backside beautifully and has a slit up the left front side to give a flash of her toned leg. Though she’s stunning, with her makeup subtly accenting her features and her hair pulled back on the sides but otherwise cascading down in loose curls, she’s also now a mother. Not, of course, that it shows in her figure, which has returned to her naturally balletic proportions. But in the way that she is doting on the baby being held in the arms of a woman I assume is her mother. It’s such a sweet vision that I once again forget my purpose until I feel my mobile buzz. It’s Conor texting:
No sign of him at the house. Nothing taken that I can tell. Heading back.
I type a quick reply of “Okay” just as Sophie calls my name.
Because I don’t know if she’s aware of the situation with Daniel, I put on a big, fake smile. Sophie’s greeting has gained the attention of Felicity and Lainey, and then Jessica. I’m warmly welcomed and introduced to Jessica’s mother and aunt, a couple cousins, and her girlfriends. And when I’m introduced to Carmen, I almost melt into a puddle at the sight of her. With the darkest brown eyes I’ve ever seen, and fair hair, she’s a gorgeous child.
/> When Jessica’s mother takes Carmen out of my arms, I feel Sophie tug on my elbow, pulling me to the corner of the room where Felicity and Lainey are gathered.
Their conspiratorial huddle confirms they already know about Daniel. I brace myself before joining in on the speculation, while at the same time sending out a silent prayer that he can be found before he does something stupid.
But before we can all get into it, there’s a rapping at the door. The whole room of women turns as the door opens a few inches.
“It’s just me, ladies,” Gavin says. “I’m not looking, I promise you. But I do need to have a word with my wife.”
Sophie smiles apologetically and goes outside for a solid five minutes. When she comes back, her expression is hard to read.
“Well? Was that about Daniel?” I ask impatiently.
“It was,” she says. “It seems . . . well, it seems he’s been arrested.”
51
Amelia
* * *
My hand flies to my mouth as my eyes water.
“Whatever for?” Felicity asks.
“Is he all right?” Lainey asks.
“The charge is breaking and entering. And some sort of possession of stolen goods,” Sophie says.
“This can’t be right,” I say, stunned. “Why would he do that? Why would he leave his brother’s wedding only to go steal something?”
The women all exchange a look with each other but avoid my eyes.
“No,” I hiss angrily, quietly. “No. I will not believe that he went out and did this so that he could get his hands on drugs. It’s ridiculous.”
Sophie puts a soothing hand on my shoulder. “We’re going to figure it out. Gavin is taking care of things. I’m sure we’ll know more soon.”
Problematic Love (Rogue Series Book 8) Page 26