She raises her eyebrows and waits me out. There’s no way she can know I’m appropriating Gavin’s words. Not that it matters when I’m applying them to us. To our unique situation.
“What I mean is, what you and I had, it was its own kind of magic. But I think I cut the oxygen off to it. I didn’t let it breathe. Because I was too afraid of failing.”
“I think you did pretty well, actually,” she says with a small, wistful smile.
I laugh. “You’re always so generous with me, Amelia.”
“That’s just part of what you do when you’re in a relationship.”
“You fight for it, too. That’s what you’re supposed to do,” I say, remembering Shay’s words. “Even when it’s complicated. Even when it’s hard. Because it’s always worth it.”
There’s a slight tremble in her chin. “We fought as hard as we could. We fought until there was no place left to go.”
She’s talking about our impasse over having a child. But she doesn’t know what I do.
“No place left but regret. I know I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I let you go.” There’s a nod to Conor in that one. Still, the words and sentiment are true.
“But, how can we make it work? How can I ask you for something you are so against? And how can you ask me to give up something I know I need?”
“I’m not asking you to give up having a child. I’m telling you that I trust you more than I trust myself. And if you believe in me enough to say we can be parents together, then I’ll believe in you. And that is enough.”
“Oh, Daniel,” she says softly. “I don’t want you going into this as some sort of desperate measure to keep from losing me.”
“I’m not, though. I’ve been thinking of nothing but us for the last few months, and especially the last few days. There has never been anyone who has made me feel so good, so truly happy. You fill my whole heart. You make it beat.”
She wipes a tear from the corner of her eye. But I’m not done yet.
“You’ve made me see myself differently. I see possibility now, whereas before it was all defeat before even starting. I didn’t take all that into consideration, baby. I didn’t really see the whole picture of where I am now. I kept living in the past. I kept assuming I could never be more than what I’ve been. That’s why I couldn’t imagine us having a family. But it wasn’t fair—not to you and not to me. Because I was focusing on the wrong thing. When I finally allowed myself to really consider it, I realized I’d be a great fucking father.”
This gets the reaction I’d hoped for. She laughs and smiles through her tears.
“And you will be a great fucking mother,” I continue. I pull her to me, holding her close. “So, what I’m saying is, let’s make a baby, baby.”
“I’m not sure I can handle the romance of that proposition,” she says with a laugh.
I’ve never been a natural romantic, but I now realize I need to put in some effort to express myself. This is it. Time to lay it all out.
“I love you, Amelia,” I tell her. “I love you with every damaged, scarred piece of me. And I love you with every new, hopeful piece of me. You were right. It’s a crazy mix I’ve got going. But, if you want me, I’m yours. Every bit of me.”
She arches an eyebrow. “Does that still come with fireworks?”
I laugh. I laugh out of relief that she’s not resisting me. I laugh over the fact that she’s recalling my bold prediction to her back in that San Francisco pub that when I gave her all of me, it’d be with fireworks.
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” I assure her.
When she responds by kissing me, I feel in her lips the answer she doesn’t need to say. She wants me.
She wants us.
I’ve been reborn.
For the first time in my life, I’ve got someone I love. Someone who loves me back. We’re planning a future together. And it feels fucking fantastic.
So, this is what life is like on the other side.
I think I’ll stick around for it.
No, I know I’ll hang on to it for dear life.
Because my life is dear to me.
And I’ve got some living to do.
Epilogue
Dublin
* * *
Danny Boy
* * *
So, I said we weren’t ready for an epilogue when it came to our story, and we’re not. But here’s the thing, we’re well on our way to a happy fucking ending.
It’s been about eighteen months since Shay’s wedding. Just over a year since Rogue finished the tour and went into hiatus.
It’s been about ten months that Amelia and I have been living in the house we bought together on the Southside of Dublin. Yes, the Southside. I’m one of them now. Officially, and happily so.
And best of all, it’s been about five months since our son was born. He’s named Ronan, and I love him with so much ferocious intensity that it keeps me up at night. I worry for him all the time. I worry that he might catch a cold or something worse. I worry whether he’s hitting all his milestones. I worry that some random accident will befall him if I take my eyes off him for a second. I worry that he won’t ever understand how much I love him. I worry that some part of him will know that I fought against ever having him.
Amelia, of course, tells me I’m overly sensitive. She reminds me that with her having gone back to work a couple weeks ago, I am his primary caretaker. This time together, she tells me, will only enhance our unbreakable bond. Ronan and I spend our days in a loose routine of walks and the swings at the park when the weather is good, experimenting with “solid” baby foods, reading books (he mostly chews on them), playtime under the mobile or in the bath, naps, and changing dirty nappies. And talking. I talk to him all day long. About everything and anything. He’s my pal and we have a fantastic time.
She was right about me when she said I could do this. And I was right, too. I’m a great fucking father.
The devotion I have to him and to Amelia matches what I have for Roscoe. The four of us make a good team. Well, I suppose I should include our other fur baby, Alfredo, and make that five. We’re working on adding a baby brother or sister for Ronan, though, so this could soon be a family of six.
We’ve got this revolving open house thing going, with each of us couples trading off on hosting everyone a few times a month and it’s the most joyful madness you can imagine.
There’s Sophie and Gav with their three kids.
Conor and Felicity with their two kids.
Martin and Lainey with his three boys.
And sometimes, when I’m lucky, we also have Shay and Jessica, along with Carmen.
It’s been a time of contentment, though, I’ll admit that I do still have days when those old, dark thoughts pull at me. I’m not an entirely different person, after all. I am improved, though, with a rich life that includes a family, amazing friends, and lessons learned that have set me up in the best possible way for success—and to maintain my sobriety. Those are Amelia’s words, by the way. That’s what she reminds me of on those, now very rare, occasions when I doubt myself.
There are rumblings of the band returning to the studio soon, which will be good for everyone. It’s not like they will ever quit. Not when music keeps flowing through their veins like it always has.
So, like I said, this isn’t really an epilogue. No, to my mind, it’s just the start.
After all, as I learned the hard way, the possibilities in this life are endless.
The trick is being open to them.
And I’m wide open.
About the Author
Lara Ward Cosio is the author of the Rogue Series - books that feature complex, flawed, and ultimately redeemable rockers, and the women they love. When not writing, Lara can be found chasing her daughters around the house or at the beach, always with music on in the background.
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LaraWardCosio.com
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Also by Lara Ward Cosio
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Playing At Love
Hitting That Sweet Spot
Finding Rhythm
Full On Rogue: The Complete Books #1-4
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Problematic Love (Rogue Series Book 8) Page 28