Tom
She’d been avoiding me all day and I was over it. I did warn her that I was done with holding back yesterday. My memory of last night was a little bit hazy after we played ‘Star Whores’ – which was where you put these glow in the dark condoms, that Maya got from China to see if they worked, on a cucumber (or whatever vegetable you could get your hands on) and pretend that they’re light sabers. It seemed a good idea at the time, but I pitied whoever stumbled across the mass of glow in the dark vegetables today - especially as we’d then had a competition to see who could get them to stay in the tree after they threw them.
Although, one thing that I really wanted to see was the watermelon that we’d managed to get one of the condoms onto. We played dodge-the-glowing-cock-ball until it hit Mark Montgomery, Maya’s cousin and a close family friend, in the head and knocked him out. I really hope that he’d come up with a good excuse for those bruises that didn’t involve any part of the truth.
It was bugging me though that I couldn’t remember what had happened with my pretty girl. We’d both been naked and evidence showed that we’d done more than just sleep together, but what had we done?
I’d avoided Gramps calls for a family meeting ‘man-style’ and had decided that I was just going to pretend that she hadn’t run out of my house like her ass was on fire this morning. So, I was on my way to Layla’s and I was going to take her out on the ATV’s.
Walking through Layla’s front door, I came to an abrupt halt as I remembered the little asshole whose nuts had been cut off the day before. There was no telling how long it would take for the hormones to run away from their home in Hades, or if the operation was a success. So, when the little chunk of shit walked up to me and started purring as he weaved his body on his stubby legs around mine, I braced expecting his nose to touch his asshole again as he prepared to launch at my balls. When it didn’t happen, I moved my hands away from my crotch and very slowly reached down to touch him. Again, all I got were purrs and some head rubs along my finger, so I picked him up and popped him on his back in the crook of my arm so that I could stroke his stomach.
“And if I even see that dick face of a brother of yours again…” Sonya yelled over her shoulder as she came barreling out of the kitchen, stopping when she saw me holding Dante like a baby. Her eyes softened at the sight, and then her shoulders slumped. “Ah, fuck it!”
Grinning, I knew I had her. Seems like the little fucker had worked after all. Almost like he heard me, the furry shit bit my finger, reminding me that he was still a bastard who wanted his tummy stroked – balls or not.
“Wanna check out my ATV’s?” I’d come here with a purpose, and dammit I was sticking to that purpose.
“Does that stand for something rude? Like ass to vagina?” her face scrunched up at the thought, and I almost dropped the cat. Not that he’d ever let that happen, that little fucker was quick with his nails.
Hearing Layla laughing her butt off in the kitchen, I walked past Sonya and passed the kitten to my sister. Almost falling off her chair to get away from him, I ended up putting him on top of her phone which was lying on the table, knowing full well that she couldn’t go without the thing for longer than twenty-seconds, so she’d have to pick him up to get it.
Now I regretted the decision for him to be allergy friendly – i.e. nut free. Maybe he had enough asshole left in him to attack her, even just a little bit.
Looking down at the purring psycho, I gave him his orders. “You ever wanna knead my turkey again, you’ll attack her like the little killer that you are. Kill!”
Now, I just had the beauty who was lecturing me on her kitten not going near my turkey. She needed to know what an ATV was - and also that ass to vagina was just disgusting, and really unsanitary!
Chapter 5
Tom
I felt like I was stuck in Groundhog Day as I gingerly walked across the parking lot to the doors of our medical center, trying my best not to heave my balls up through my body and out of my mouth. In fact, I’m pretty certain that they were now situated in either lung, they sure as shit couldn’t be where God had intended for them to be on my body.
With every excruciating step that I took, I was aware that not only was my pretty girl witnessing this, but that the security team that shadowed us constantly were probably recording it and enjoying every second immensely. A man and his nuts needed to die in peace - they should know this seeing as how they had theirs where they were meant to be, instead of in the frontal lobes of their brains like mine were.
“I told you to be careful where you were driving, but you just had to show off, didn’t you?” Sonya repeated. I’d been hearing this lecture since it happened, and I still wasn’t any closer to being able to talk, so I just replied with a cough as I spent the next minute trying to move my leg forward, making sure that my thigh didn’t touch my nut. I was only capable of moving it an inch forward at a time, so it was taking forever for me to get to where the drugs had better be waiting for me. “Maybe if you tried crawling?” She suggested, but that involved more movement and I just couldn’t.
“Well, looky here,” a voice squealed from far behind us, making me jump and then groan. “Ooo, what happened?”
“You forget the lube again, boy?” Gramps yelled. Just what I needed – Gramps and Tony seeing me like this or even knowing what had happened. Was I not suffering enough?
“Nah,” Sonya called back, and if I could have smiled at her defending me without worrying that a testicle would come flying out of my mouth, I would have. She ruined that in the next second. “I told him that ‘harder’ wasn’t a good safe word, but would he listen?” she yelled, just as the doors in front of us opened. Every last one of the patients in the waiting room heard, and then turned to look at me. Some looks were judgmental, some were amused, and then there were the others that looked like they were interested in whatever the fuck they were thinking I had gotten up to.
Carefully lifting my foot a millimeter at a time so that I could step up onto the pavement that was in front of the entrance, I gritted my teeth against the pain that stabbed back through me. I had no option but to continue on regardless of whether I looked like a demented pervert because I needed drugs, and stat.
I eventually made it up to the reception desk, ignoring the snorts and whispers going on around me. Having something to lean on was a relief, as was lifting one of my legs slightly off the floor.
“Can I help you?” The snooty bitch behind the desk asked. At least she sounded it - I wouldn’t know, I was too busy staring at the ground and breathing deeply to look up.
“I’m guessing you can see that he needs to be seen by a doctor, right?” Sonya snapped from behind me, rubbing my back. My dick gave a quick jerk in my pants, making my knees give out with the pain. Go down you bastard!
Just as Sonya was giving over my details, Gramps hobbled up behind me and leaned on my back. Bursts of light were shooting across my vision and I was breaking into a sweat.
“Musta been some session, boy!”
I wanted to hurt him, I truly did. In fact, if I wasn’t doing my best not to puke then pass out onto where it would inevitably land, physics and all that, I would have at least elbowed him in the gut. Sadly, I needed all of my focus and energy on not barfing a testicle up. I wasn’t sure I was going to survive this and ending it all by drowning in my own vomit just seemed like a final embarrassment that I didn’t need.
“And what is the problem?” Snobby twat asked.
“He broke his balls.”
Gramps pulled away from me with a hiss. “Was it the rocks in the grass?”
Of course, he’d done this before.
Some more talking went on over my head, but I was starting to see a black tunnel closing in. Death was apparently coming to take me. I’d been shot in the ass and now I’d burst my nut sacks. You can only cheat death so many times, and I’m not sure that you could bleed out from a gunshot to the butt cheek, but I’d seen Final Destination – death was coming. My ass had chea
ted it, and now I was going to die from death by gonad.
Sonya grabbed my arm and gently started to maneuver me over to the chairs. Each step was like torture, like someone had a stuck a flaming Katana up my dick and into my bowels.
“I’m not going to make it,” I croaked, just as someone wheeled a wheelchair up behind me and pressed me back onto it.
I had always been a masculine man, but the high-pitched scream that came out of me would have made even my little niece sound like a baritone. Again, I could have been embarrassed, but the projectile puke that came out of me distracted everyone in the room from the screeching.
“We’ll take him straight on through. Doctor Adams is waiting.”
Doctor Adams? Oh fuck no. That guy used to be a boxer, he had hands the size of baseball gloves and was as gentle as a pissed off bear. And, he was a pissed off bear at me. I’d taken his daughter out on a date once and had gotten drunk because Ren had dared me to down ten shots of bourbon in a row. Not one to turn down a dare, I’d done it. This meant that I was drunk out of my mind and couldn’t remember who I’d brought to the bar with me that night. That wouldn’t have been so bad, if I hadn’t gone home with her cousin by mistake. That wasn’t something that I was proud of, and I’d apologized to Laura repeatedly, but Adams had held it against me since. In truth, I’d held it against myself too and still kicked my own ass for making her feel like shit and acting like such a dick. And now here I was, about to get my karma for my past fuck up.
My balls were done for!
Sonya
Sitting down on one of the waiting room chairs, which was designed to either make your ass into a square or render you immobile for the rest of your life, I watched as they wheeled an ashen faced Tom away – going around the poor guy who was now cleaning up the sick on the floor. He was mouthing something to me, but I couldn’t make it out. At first, I’d thought it might be ‘help me’, but then it started to look like ‘I pee’ and I was relieved that he still could. It was gross, and they’d better burn his pants once they took them off, but at least his dick still worked enough to do that.
“And what is the issue?” I heard the receptionist asking. Gramps looked like he wanted to throttle her, but Tony had a smirk on his face.
“Well, see – he wanted me to put it in, but we had no lube. I said no, because he’s old and we might not have a lot of time left together. If I use and abuse it, then I’m gonna lose it. Ya know?” the receptionist sat with her mouth open as Tony went on. “Plus, he’s got some of those butt grape things, age and gravity does that. In fact, only last year he had a nip tuck…”
“I will kill you,” Gramps growled, as he pinched Tony’s arm, making him scream. Turning to the receptionist, he snapped, “Bengay, okay?”
“No, sweetie. See, his mind is all addled, what with his age,” Tony interrupted. “I’m Tony.” He said slowly as he pointed to himself as he looked at Hurst. “To-nee.”
“Dead - fucking dead!” Gramps turned away and hobbled across the floor to me, just missing the small puddle of puke as he walked over it with his bowed legs.
Carefully sitting down beside me, he let out a whimper as his butt touched the seat. When Tony finished up at the desk, he walked over to us and took the chair the other side of me, smiling like this happened every day.
“Holy shit, they’re fucking black!” a voice bellowed from behind the closed door of the room that Tom had been wheeled into. All three of us winced and shuffled in our chairs, not making eye contact with any of the other people sitting around us who were looking at each other in confusion. “Your balls are the size of grapefruits. Nurse!”
There was a flurry of activity as Tom was quickly wheeled out of the room and down the hall. He was looking over his shoulder still mouthing ‘I pee’ and now I was worried that maybe he’d damaged his bladder and the pipes that came out of it and down his dick. I didn’t pay attention in biology, blood and stuff makes me squeamish, but I knew that that could happen. Why else would catheters have been invented?
When we’d been sitting in silence for a couple of minutes, with only the creaking of Gramps chair as he shifted around constantly like he had ants in his pants, I lost the battle with my curiosity and self-control and finally asked the million-dollar question.
“What did you do?”
Glaring over at Tony who’d snorted, Gramps muttered, “I bought a new porch swing, so I was hanging it up last night. It has some weird ass attachments, so I had to stand with one leg on the step ladder, and one braced against the wall.” This wasn’t sounding so bad. “I think I pulled something here,” he pointed to an area on his thigh, just below his groin.
When he didn’t go any further, I assumed that was it.
“Tell her what else you did,” Tony prompted.
“I used Bengay and it might have gone too far up,” he said under his breath.
“And it sounds like he’s allergic to it, so he’s got red balls to match Tom’s black ones,” Tony said through the wheezing laughs.
“It’s not funny,” Gramps hissed. He tried to lean forward, but any pressure against his injury must have been agony because he groaned and sat straight back. “It feels like I’ve dunked them in Napalm!”
“Linda says,” Tony ignored Gramps completely as he referred to the Townsend matriarch, “the Bengay had been there since he fell off a horse…in 1982. So, it probably is Napalm by now.”
Holy shit, his poor balls! Wait, I didn’t want to think about his balls, that was just wrong. Change the subject, change the subject.
Then inspiration hit me.
“Hey, what happened to Linda’s copy of Fifty Shades of Grey?”
Gramps head snapped around in my direction. “What’s it to ya? Did she ask? Oh shit, she knows, doesn’t she?”
He looked absolutely terrified at the prospect, which just piqued my curiosity even more.
“Tell the nice lady, Gramps,” Tony encouraged, laughing even harder now.
“She didn’t say a word to me, I promise!”
Scratching his head and turning redder than I’d ever seen anyone turn in my life, Gramps shifted minutely, groaning again, and then told me apparently one of the biggest Townsend secrets ever.
“I’d heard about it and got curious, so I took it to the lodge to read. After that, Art wanted to read it, so I said okay. Then Rick, then Mack, and a couple other guys. I don’t know who had it last, but it wasn’t…,” he broke off and blushed even deeper. Holy shit! “It wasn’t fit to touch, so I had to burn it.”
It took a couple of seconds for me to figure out what he meant.
“That’s disgusting,” I gagged.
Nodding, he held his hands up in front of him. “I had to bleach my hands and everything.”
“Why not just buy her another copy?” Tony started choking beside me while Gramps crossed his arms and refused to answer. “Do you want me to go order you one off Amazon?” I mean, if it helped, why not? I had Prime, so it would be here in a day.
Tony was now snorting, and his laughter was shaking the chairs, making Gramps groan even louder when his chair moved because of it.
“It was signed,” Tony spluttered. “Linda saw the author in a store, tackled her to the ground and made her sign it and write a message to her.”
Gramps gulped as I stared at him wide eyed. Oh, he was a dead man!
Chapter 6
Tom
A fter an ultrasound of my nuts and three hours of fuckery around my dick by a man with abnormally big hands who hated my guts, I had been sent home with painkillers and told to ice them. I now had a healthy respect for women giving birth and wanted to cry and hug every one of my family who had pushed a baby out and wrecked their vaginas. I’m pretty sure what I was going through was worse than that, but they’d be the ones who could sympathize with me the most.
After limping to my parent’s house to reassure mom that I was okay and that my junk hadn’t been booted into my brain, me and Sonya were walking back to mine whe
re I was gonna pop pills like skittles and sit with my legs widespread. This was just fucking torture!
Neither of us were talking at that moment, mostly because I still couldn’t do that and walk because I had to focus on moving my legs without skimming my sack, so it was a slow and quiet journey across the million miles to where my house was. Why had I chosen to live so far away?
We were just walking past my grandparent’s house, when Gramps called out, “Yo! How’s the dingle berries, boy?”
Sonya’s gasp made me stop so quickly, that my balls rattled around inside their bag, making my abdomen feel like it was gonna explode.
“Uh…whatcha got there, Hurst?” she called out, and I turned to see what she was talking about.
The old gimp was on his new porch swing, the same one that had been responsible for his own mishap. At least, I assumed it was a swing? It wasn’t like any of the ones I’d ever seen before - at least I think it wasn’t.
Slowly walking over to their steps, I looked a bit closer at it. It was attached to the ceiling with heavy weight chains and seemed to be made up of black strips of material that looped around and under him. He even had places to put his feet and could move them as far apart as he wanted – something which was probably a godsend right now.
“Why does that look fam…,” then I remembered a porn movie I’d watched once and my bruised balls dropped. “Where the fuck did you get that? Do you know what it is?”
Sonya started giggling beside me, cluing me into the fact that she also knew what it was. Why did this have to happen in front of her today of all days?
“Well, me and Lindee wanted a new swing. The other one says for two people, but when it’s hot and the two of us are sitting on it, it’s like being rubbed against a sweaty hot wall,” Gramps waved his hands around, hitting the pieces of material that were hanging down, intended for him to put them into. “Ya know, your skin sticks together, the sweat gets worse…”
“Please stop,” I gagged at the mental image.
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