“Did you just gag?” Ren whispered beside me.
“He’s staring at her tits,” I hissed back. Ren’s responding gag made me feel a bit better – I was generous like that.
As they reached us, Gramps let go of Grams’ hand and walked up to Lars until there was only an inch of space between them.
“Hurt him and I will kill you, boy. Get me?” he growled.
Lars’ mouth twitched like he was trying not to laugh as the officiate for the ceremony gasped.
“I gotcha and I won’t!” he assured Gramps.
Not one to back down, like ever, Gramps continued to stare at him. “They’ll never find the body,” he warned.
“I gotcha!”
“I’ll only use this,” he said, holding up his hand and wiggling his thumb in Lars’ face. “You’ll never see it coming.”
This went back and forth with Lars confirming he got Gramps each time. Once he was out of threats, he continued to stare at Lars doing his damndest not to blink first.
“Jesus, Hurst,” Grams snapped and grabbed his arm to pull him away. “You’re terrifying. The boy knows!”
As she guided him away, she looked over her shoulder at Lars, raised her hand to her forehead and made a wanking motion with it making Lars lose the battle with his laughter. Taking this as a challenge, Gramps tried to lunge back toward us but was thwarted by Grams grabbing the waistband of his pants. His look of shock and horror had us all snapping our attention back to the officiate who was watching all of this in confusion. When his face changed, we knew he’d picked his wedgie out where he stood.
“I thought he was gonna kiss me,” Lars murmured, keeping his attention facing forward.
Then the rest of the nightmare started. A nightmare because it was a Townsend wedding even if Tony didn’t have the name legally. A nightmare because my family just couldn’t help themselves. Just once, only once, I would have liked for things to go to plan and with no drama – today was not that day.
The guy standing holding an embossed folder started the service, and I focused back on my wife who was shifting from foot to foot.
“Who gives this man?” the officiate asked, and I glanced back over to where the little group was still standing.
Gramps puffed out his chest and opened his mouth but was beaten by the other three. “I do!” they all replied at once and then started arguing.
“No, I do!”
“He said it was me.”
“I asked first!”
“Oh, hell no! I won it fair and square. I do!” Gramps bellowed.
The line of bridesmaids and groomsmen both sighed and made themselves comfortable while the assholes battled it out.
The verbal tussle soon became a physical one, with all of them trying to grab Tony at the same time to walk him forward. On one lunge, Gramps lost his balance and grabbed the basket full of glitter at the same time that Dad grabbed the back of his jacket – including the sparkly vest.
One tug from Dad later and he completely lost control of his balance. The vest ripped as he jerked, his hand flew out with the glitter basket in it, and we were all covered in glitter and whatever other sparkly shit had been launched at us.
Sighing, I rubbed my face to try to get rid of my new designer acne and looked at Sonya as she shook the front of her dress and looked down her cleavage.
Don’t get hard, asshole. Don’t you dare.
Wincing, I shifted to the other foot and tried to get my misbehaving appendage under control.
“They all do,” Tony sighed as he stepped forward.
If any of the craft herpes had hit him, I couldn’t tell because he’d been sparkly before. It was like looking at a walking, talking version of the disco ball taint piñata, but with great hair.
Coughing and wiping his mouth with his pocket square (which glittered as he pulled it away), the officiate smiled tightly at us all and started the ceremony as all four sulking assholes sat down in their seats.
I guess that wasn’t too bad if picking glitter out of my hair and finding it in my life for the next seventy-years could be considered ‘not too bad’. Then again, my wife’s body would have glitter in all the best spots.
Shifting back to the other foot, I sighed as the bad bastard got hard again. Sonya’s next wince and shimmy was the perfect antidote to my problem. I went to take a step forward, but the dude was now asking for the rings. Handing them over, I listened as they exchanged them and read out their vows.
The only Townsend left was Layla, and she didn’t look like she was settling down any time…was she staring at Mark Montgomery? Turning to glare at the little shit in question, I noticed how he was looking her up and down.
Uh huh – fuck no. A quick jab to my side again made me turn back to the couple that today was all about. If I got through this without internal bleeding, I’d be a grateful man.
“I’m married!” Tony squealed as he turned around to the audience and waved his arms in the air.
Lars grabbed his hand and started to lead him back down the aisle. All it took was one step, and the next thing, Tony was lying flat on his back in a puddle of water.
A quick glance up at the roof to check for a leak showed that wasn’t the culprit, so where had it come from?
“Oh Jesus,” Tony gasped. “Please tell me it’s water and not piss. I can’t be lying in a puddle of pee, not in my Swarovski’s.”
Sonya chose that moment to gasp and bend over, holding her stomach and cluing us into where the water had come from.
My baby was coming. Holy shit, I was gonna be a dad!
This was hell - pure and utter hell.
By the time we’d gotten Sonya into the car and to the hospital, she was jerking around like something out of The Exorcist and screaming her ass off. I wasn’t much better because she kept biting my leg each time, so I was screaming which made Cole scream too. It would have been funny if she didn’t have such sharp teeth and fucking Shamu coming out of her cooter.
Once we got here, I thought it would be a quick cough, and I’d be holding my son or daughter. We still didn’t know which one it was because, at each ultrasound, it crossed its legs and turned its ass toward us – kid totally took after its mother.
Sonya had done some old wives' tale shit where you pissed in a glass and added baking soda. This had said it was a girl, so now I had a pink explosion in my house. Poor kid! I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was zero chance that experiment actually told you the gender of the baby. She’d been so excited about it being a girl and had immediately started one-clicking online. I didn’t want to ruin that for her so I’d kept quiet, all the while praying that the test was right.
Another member of my family was also happy with the news – Ren. The dick fart had been crowing about the fact he wasn’t the only one who had to worry about penises since Sonya had held her glass of urine up to the sky and screamed, “It’s a girl!”.
With Maya being only three weeks behind Sonya with another Townsend baby, he was even cockier. Apparently, 50/50 odds he was having a son were good odds for him. The fact that his baby was as stubborn as mine when it came to the gender scan just proved that. How? I have no idea, but this was his daily argument.
At that moment, Sonya panted and crushed my hand with both of hers.
I will not scream. I will not scream!
“I feel something,” she gasped, and her face went red as she pushed slightly. Reaching down, she put her hand between her legs. “Is that the h…”
“No, don’t touch that,” the doctor who was sitting between her legs snapped as the nurse gently moved Sonya’s hand away.
“But I want to feel the head!” she whined, looking at me with pleading eyes.
My brothers had warned me never to go down to the business end while your wife was in labor, but I had to see what was going on.
So, still holding her hand, I took a step to the side and bent over, regretting it instantly.
“It’s all fine,” I said so quickly
that it all molded together as one word.
“What is it?” she squeaked as she squeezed again.
I wasn’t being an asshole, but she really needed to stop doing that. Maybe if I distracted her.
“It’s nothing, just one of those weird sensations.” I grinned as I said it, hoping that it would satisfy her curious brain. I knew I should have made her get an epidural. Who gives birth without drugs? It’s a human being coming out of your vagina - surely there was a law that stated that drugs were mandatory?
“Tell me,” she growled, digging her nails into the thin skin on the top of my hand.
Trying to shake free from her grip, I shook my head – adamant I wasn’t going to give in. She didn’t need to know this. Hell, I hadn’t needed to know it, but fucking curiosity and shit like that.
Moving faster than a snake, she reared up and bit into my hand making me scream.
“Stop, stop! I’ll tell you,” I yelled, desperately trying to get her to let go as her teeth chewed through my hand. Lying back down again, she covered her mouth and nose with her hands in preparation. I wish I could cover my lower face too and she’d soon know why. How was I gonna break it to her? “Okay, hold your tongue and repeat – I was born on a pirate ship.”
“Thomas Wa…” she was already searching for a new place to bite as I cut her off.
“No, no! Do it. Trust me on this.” I must have looked a pathetic mess because she reached up and I only just caught her hand before it touched her tongue. “Other hand.” She’d thank me for it later.
Scrunching her face and groaning through another contraction, she grabbed her tongue and repeated the words, sounding like she was dying. “Di wad bord donda pile oh shi…” she suddenly realized where it was going and let her tongue go. “Oh God, no!” she cried, lunging for me again.
Desperate for the doodie hand not to touch me, I jumped back.
“I know!” I screamed, biting my fist.
At that moment the door opened, and Layla and Tony stuck their heads around it grinning like fools.
“Is she he…oh!” Tony gasped and covered his face as Layla choked.
“I know!” the screams coming from the bed joining mine this time.
“What’s going on?” I heard asked from the other side of the door. “Is the baby here? Let me see her.”
“Not the actual baby,” Layla whispered.
“What do you mean?” I think that was my mom’s voice, it was hard to tell over the screaming coming from my wife.
“Well, remember what we were all terrified of doo-doo-doing while we were giving birth?” Layla replied. I see what she did there – doo-doo. “It’s safe to say, that Sonya got the medal.”
“I will rip your asshole’s neighbor until it joins your right ear,” Sonya screamed. I think she would have gotten up if at that moment my child’s head hadn’t started to crown. “If that’s another one, I don’t wanna hear it. Oh God, my baby is being born on a butt brownie.”
Mental note to self – never eating brownies again!
Thankfully, I didn’t have to lie because with one more scream about assquakes, out came my kid – screaming like the diva her mother was.
Leaning over Sonya as they did whatever down there, I held her head in place and kissed her.
“Thank you,” I choked out, this time because I was crying. “Thank you for being my wife and for giving me the most precious thing I’ll ever have.” I wiped the tears off her face, not knowing or caring if they were hers or mine. “I have a daugh…”
“Okay, we have a boy. Ten toes, ten fingers, two arms, one penis, two legs, and no tail,” the nurse interrupted.
I caught the tail shit and glared at her until the boy thing hit home.
“No, wait! It can’t be. She only bought pink shit,” I pointed at Sonya accusingly.
“What the hell?” Ren bellowed outside the door. “No, just no! I’m having the boy, not him.” There was some furious chattering back and forth, and then, “If you pop out another vagina, I’m going to be so pissed. I can only just handle two of you.”
I was too happy at that moment to point out that he wasn’t handling jack shit.
It didn’t even matter that my son was currently being put into a cute, bright pink onesie with Daddy’s Princess on it. Judging by the screaming coming from him, he was healthy, and my wife was okay - so I couldn’t care less about the fact he was in pink.
When he was passed to me, I started crying again realizing that I now held the other piece of my world in my arms – and he was perfect!
The door exploded open at that moment and my family poured in. Sonya's legs snapped shut, trapping the doctor's head between her thighs in her desperation to maintain at least a little bit of dignity until the curtain was closed around her.
“Too late, Belieber,” my sister snorted as she walked up to my little princess boy. “You are gonna be one confused little kid,” she stroked his cheek as she looked down at his face smiling. He had his mother’s nose and mouth, but the rest of him was me. “He’s perfect.”
Whatever my family was about to say next was cut off by the sound of water hitting the floor and a gasp from Maya who now stood in a puddle.
Tony jumped over it and ran out the door, followed quickly by the other men – apart from Ren who was now in the same nail in flesh predicament that I’d been in a short time ago.
They waddled Maya out of the room and into her own where luck hit my brother like a Mack truck. One sneeze and a scream later and he was holding his own son, who was then dressed in one of the baby outfits from our hospital bag which we’d had the foresight to stow in the trunk two weeks ago.
Ren didn’t even blink as he stared down at the newborn son in his arms wearing a rainbow onesie with Future Beauty Queen written on it.
My whole world felt fuller than it ever had. I had an amazing family, the perfect wife, a healthy son and the perfect life. Nothing could ruin this for me.
“What are you calling them?” Grams asked as she looked between us both.
I winced remembering the list of names that Sonya had Googled before stopping on this one. Baltazar, Helios, Kipling, Prosper, and Sherlock had all been in my veto pile. I was blaming those on her hormones. Unfortunately, this ended with her tearing up and her bottom lip wobbling, so the next name she threw out there I agreed on.
Now, I was holding my son – Echo Townsend. Fucking E.T.!
“Echo.” Everyone looked shocked until they realized what this meant for the poor kid’s initials. I was going to have to think of the perfect middle name, and quickly to save the poor guy.
Ren looked equally uncomfortable revealing his son’s name, but everyone was waiting, and the baby was rooting around his chest and fussing.
“Thames,” he sighed, walking quickly back to his wife.
Gramps overtook him and started offering Maya money to choose a middle name that began with an I.
“I don’t know why he’s so adamant it has to be an I,” Cole spoke up from where he was sprawled out on one of the waiting room chairs. “I’m totally calling that kid TT, regardless.” The way he said it sounded like titty which was perfect given that Maya chose that second to scream about the fiery jaws of hell biting her nipple off.
I was happier than I’d ever been in my life and couldn’t wait to…That thought was cut short as the door behind me burst open and Layla and that soon to be dickless prick, Mark Montgomery, fell out of it both looking flushed.
Tony distracted me by cooing at my son and then leaned over him causing the glitter to fall out his hair, and wherever else it was wedged, and onto Echo.
I was right though – I was still finding glitter in my house for at least four months after the wedding.
After that, either we had achieved a miracle and gotten rid of it all, or I just didn’t notice it anymore after sixteen weeks of constant sparkling everywhere.
The End…
About the Author
I’m a British author who grew up a
ll over the world. My parents were diplomats, so we were posted to all of the corners of the earth and it was a blast. Some wouldn’t seem so awesome if you heard about them, but my parents always made it a fun experience and it molded my brother and I into who we are today.
I live in Wiltshire in the west country of the UK. At random times of the day, I’ll hear a moo from the fields around me, or get a whiff of that…uhhh…’country air’, and I love it! I might not have grown up in the UK, but I’m a British girl to the bone (regardless of the suspicious whiffs coming in from the fields).
I’m a single mother with a son who is nearing his teenage phase. Maybe he’s reached it early? Who knows. But he’s awesome and has a personality and sense of humor that I can only attribute to my family. We’re slightly bonkers, we have a wicked sense of humor and we find the positives in every situation. I’m so proud to be his mum and to watch him grow and mature.
Writing was something that I’d always done. I had a teacher in the third grade who always set us the task of writing a story and making it into a book every weekend. After I left school, I kept this up and wrote as often as I could or just plotted out books. This evolved into me taking the plunge and publishing my first book in 2016 and I’ve been typing ever since.
I’m proud to be an Indie Author, and I absolutely love writing out my crazy Providence characters and the more complex ones in my other series’. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic comedy or something with more suspense – so long as it has a HEA I’ll do it!
I’ve got so many more planned, so the best is yet to come.
Wanna join in on the crazy unicorn loving tainted romance shenanigans? Come and join my group on Facebook, 50 Shades of Neigh!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/144042859588361/
More books by this author
Providence Series
Providence Series Books 5-7 Page 41