Ava seems to lean on me more heavily by the end of the show, her breathing deepening and evening out. When I glance down, I’m unsurprised to find her eyes closed.
I turn down the TV when the theme song starts blasting, not wanting her to get startled awake. I’m enjoying this too much for it to end so quickly, my feet propped up on the couch, her body snuggled against me. It’s been … I can’t even remember how long since I cuddled with a woman, since sex became transactional instead of relational.
With Ava it can’t be anything but relational, even if the thought sends a shot of fear straight through my belly. But it’s too late. We already have a relationship. Both as boss/employee, but also as friends of a sort. And stupid as it is, I want that friendship to grow. I want to know her, know more about her, and tonight has only piqued my curiosity more than ever.
It occurs to me that she really hasn’t shared anything about her time in college. I mean, I know she went. I assume she graduated in May. But she hasn’t ever talked about it. About her friends. The boyfriend who apparently stamped her V card. Because as much as she’s still a mystery to me, I know she didn’t lose it in some tawdry one-night-stand, and she said it was consensual, so it has to have been a boyfriend.
A little bubble of disappointment swells in my chest. Some part of me had enjoyed the idea of being the one to introduce her to that kind of pleasure. Although, that might’ve been a faulty assumption even if she were still technically a virgin. Do conservative girls explore their bodies? Masturbate?
Does she masturbate? Currently?
The thought has my dick hardening again, perking up and hoping for its denied satisfaction. And I’d just managed to distract myself enough for it to start deflating.
Shaking my head, I derail that train of thought, turning off the TV that I’m not paying attention to and slouching down a little more, pulling Ava close and resting my head on the back of the couch.
Exhaustion drags at me, pulling at my eyelids, making my limbs heavy. I never made it to the shower, but the thought of moving, of separating myself from Ava’s warmth, seems as appealing as a root canal with no anesthetic. So I settle in and close my eyes. Just for a minute.
A cry startles me awake, and I jerk, my hand connecting with something soft.
“Ow!”
Someone soft.
Ava sits up next to me, rubbing her left breast and glaring at me in the low light of the living room. “What was that for?”
I blink and rub my eyes, about to answer when Eli’s voice comes from the other bedroom. “Daddy!”
Eyes wide, Ava darts a look at his closed door, then down at her bare breasts. She claps her arms over her chest, and I swallow down a laugh at her delayed panic reaction. “What time is it?” she hisses.
Yawning, I lean forward and retrieve my phone from the coffee table. “About two thirty.”
She stands, her arms still crossed, her hands covering her breasts, searching the floor. Then she stoops and retrieves her shirt, pulling it on quickly, turning so all I see is her bare back before it’s covered by her shirt.
When she turns around, she’s staring at me with wide eyes. “What are you doing? Eli is calling for you. I have to go.”
“Wait.” I stand too.
She shakes her head, scanning the floor again.
“I’ll get Eli in a second. I want to make sure you’re okay first.”
“I’m fine!” If she weren’t making an effort to whisper, I think she’d be yelling at me. Then she shoves me toward my son’s room. “Go! What if he comes out and sees me still here?”
I shrug. “You’re wearing a shirt now. There’s nothing scandalous about you being in our room. He has no idea what time it is or what it might mean if you stay here all night.”
Her shoulders, which have been hitched near her ears, slump. “Fine. Good point. But I know. And you know. And I need to go back to my room and go to bed. If you find my bra before I come back please please please hide it in your room and give it to me later, okay?”
I chuckle. “I can do that. But can you stop for a second and look at me?”
She flops her arms to her side, and I can’t help noticing how adorable she is, all sleep-mussed and flushed again, her ponytail loose and a little askew.
I step closer, coasting a hand up her arm and brushing a kiss on her cheek. “We’ll talk more later. I just wanted to say goodnight.”
Her lips part as she looks up at me, and her tongue darts out to wet them. “Goodnight,” she whispers.
“Goodnight.” Before she can scamper away, I dip my head and touch my lips to hers. It’s light and tender. A perfect goodnight kiss.
She pulls away before I’m ready for her to go, but Eli is calling me again. With a hand on my shoulder, she urges me in his direction. “Go. We’ll talk tomorrow. Night.”
By the time I open Eli’s door, she’s gone.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ava
I’m not sure what to expect when I return to Danny and Eli’s room the next morning. Everything always looks different in the light of day, and as much as I ought to regret what happened last night, I can’t quite manage it.
I guess my past is proof enough that I’m terrible at doing and feeling the right things. Why should that change now?
Even if I don’t regret it, that doesn’t mean Danny doesn’t. Or that he wants a repeat. Or more than a repeat. Or …
Flustered, I yank my hair back into my usual ponytail, frustrated with myself for trying to make myself look like … more. More mature. More put together. Prettier.
Someone more like I imagine Danny would be interested in.
But the fact is, I’m a nanny. I need to dress for the job that I actually have, which means being able to crawl around on the floor with a two-year-old and end up covered in crumbs and goo. Danny was obviously interested in me last night, despite my uniform of leggings and a T-shirt.
I swipe on some pink gloss that’s hiding at the bottom of my bare-bones makeup bag, because even though I don’t normally wear it, the desire to do something more for my appearance needs to be fulfilled somehow. This is the best I can do. At the last second I also add a brush of mascara and a touch of blush. I don’t look particularly made up, but it does make me feel more polished, even if the gloss won’t last past breakfast.
With a deep breath, I grab my key card and shove it in my back pocket and head over to Danny’s room, my card for his room in hand.
Outside their door, I take a second to brace myself, running through the possibilities in my mind. Will he pretend like nothing happened last night? Do I want him to do that?
Or will he try to greet me with a kiss? Do I want that?
The thought of kissing Danny again makes me rub my thighs together in anticipation, but I don’t think we should do that in front of Eli. Not with our relationship based on proximity, as he put it.
And I can’t argue with the logic.
I’d never consider getting involved with him if we weren’t spending lots of time together every day, bonding over his son, living in the same house for weeks. Even though I’m not staying in their room while we’re on the road, I’m in there more than in my own. I have a suite, smaller than theirs but bigger than the apartment I lived in before I took this job. I’d do just as fine with a basic room for all the time I spend there. It holds my clothes and toiletries, my few electronics, and I see them in passing before bed and in the morning, and maybe for an hour or two in the middle of the day if Danny’s around.
We didn’t get a chance to discuss today’s schedule. They have another show tonight, but since they performed last night and did the sound check yesterday, do they need to do another one? Do I even need to be here right now?
Either way, I’m being a weirdo dithering in the hall like this. The only way to get answers to my questions is to go inside.
With a light rap on the door, I slide my key card into the slot and wait for the mechanical sound of it unlocking and the litt
le green light indicating I can go in. When I push the door open, Eli swivels around in his chair in the dining room, whipped cream and strawberry sauce surrounding his mouth and dripping down his chin.
“Ava!” he cries, dropping his fork on the table and hopping down to run at me.
I brace myself for his enthusiastic hug so he doesn’t knock me over and reach down and run a hand through his blond curls. “Morning, Eli. Did you sleep good?”
He nods against my legs, I’m sure smearing whatever’s on his face all over my legs. See? Trying to dress nice while taking care of a toddler is a fool’s errand. Good thing I gave up and just wore my usual.
When I raise my eyes, I find Danny watching me, a small smile on his face as he places Eli’s fork back on his plate of cut up waffles and wipes up the smear of whipped cream and strawberry from the glass-topped table. He walks over to me with a package of baby wipes in hand. “Come on, bud. Let’s let Ava come all the way in. You need to finish eating your breakfast.”
Reluctantly Eli releases me at his dad’s urging and returns to his seat. “Ava, sit by me,” he commands.
“Just a minute, bud,” Danny says. “Let’s let Ava wipe the whipped cream off her pants first.”
“Whip cream yummy!” To demonstrate, he scoops some up with his fork and shoves it in his mouth, then turns to grin at me.
Danny shakes his head, and I chuckle, unable to help myself. Danny meets my eyes. “Don’t encourage him.” His voice his low, and he’s standing closer than he normally does, like we’re sharing a secret or an intimate moment. Not like naked-intimate, but emotionally intimate.
My laugh dies away, and I suck in a breath, this weird combination of business as usual colored by this sense of intimacy not anything I could’ve predicted. Nor could I have predicted my reaction to it.
It’s strange, but also … nice. Which is an inadequate word if ever there was one. But it’s like Danny knows I’m not ready to be demonstrative in front of Eli, so kissing and touching are out of the question right now. He’s warmer, though, closer, more open than his usual self. The facade of professionalism is completely gone. Like last night gave him permission to stare at me all he wants, communicating with his eyes exactly how he feels and what he wants.
And what he wants … is me.
Against all reason, with my serviceable ponytail and plain, uninteresting clothes, a smear of strawberry and whipped cream on my thigh, he wants me.
If any doubt remained after last night, the naked longing on his face right now obliterates it.
He tugs a wipe out of the package and offers it to me. “Good morning.”
I smile and accept the wipe. “Morning.”
He steps back, allowing me to bend and scrub at the stickiness on my pants before it dries. When I’m done, he holds out his hand for the wipe and then gestures to the table. “Have a seat. Have you eaten yet?”
I shake my head, sliding into the spot next to Eli and across from where Danny was sitting. Eli beams at me, and I give him a big smile back. He’s too cute for words.
“I eating waffles and whip cream,” he announces before shoveling another bite into his mouth.
“You sure are. That looks yummy.”
He nods and holds out a mushy bite on his fork. “Want some?”
“Aww, thanks, little man. I’m good, though. You eat your breakfast.”
“Eat!” he commands, thrusting the fork at me.
Danny’s chuckle from across the table makes me lift my eyes. He taps on the table in front of Eli to get his attention. “How about we let Ava get her own waffles? Would that be okay?”
Eli scrunches up his face, deep in thought, then he sighs. “Yeah, fine.”
I bite my lip to stifle my laughter, and Danny meets my eyes with an expression of amused exasperation. “My God, you’d think he were a teenager already.”
My laugh escapes. “I know. He says that kind of thing a lot.”
Danny grimaces. “Yeah. You don’t realize how much you say something until your little kid starts parroting it back to you.” The grimace shifts into a grin, and that grin on this broody man is like the sun breaking through the clouds on a stormy day, dazzling and beautiful. “At least I can blame my mom for most of it, since he’s only been with me for the last few months.”
He slides the room service menu across to me. “Seriously, though. If you haven’t eaten yet, you should order something. Today’s a more relaxed day, just taking it easy until it’s time to get ready for the show late this afternoon, but Eli and I would be thrilled if you’d spend it with us.”
My breath catches for a second, and I’m not quite sure what exactly to make of the invitation. I mean, I know he’s attracted to me, and I guess him wanting to spend more time with me isn’t all that surprising. But if we’re spending the day with Eli, it’s not like we can act on the attraction. So if he wants me to spend the day with him and his son, does that mean he wants more from me than just sex? Because after what he said last night about attraction being natural based on proximity combined with the reality of who he is and how Eli came into being, I was expecting this to be a just-sex kind of thing.
Maybe that makes me judgmental and awful, but there it is. Even though I know Marcus has a long-term girlfriend, they’ve known each other for years, so it’s kind of a different situation. No, scratch that, it’s a way different situation. She doesn’t work for him, for one thing.
Which then makes me wonder if he’s asking me as the nanny or as me.
Sucking in a breath, I shove my worries aside. It’s not like it matters. Because the simple fact is that I want to spend the day with them. It’s not like I’d be spending it with anyone else anyway. I’m sure Kendra wants to be with Marcus, and Blaire will have a million things to do before the show, even if the guys don’t have to be there until later.
I smile at him. “I’d love to.”
His smile widens, and his posture relaxes, almost like he’s relieved I said yes. Was he worried I wouldn’t want to spend time with them?
He gestures at the menu. “The waffles with strawberries and whipped cream are delicious. As you can see, Eli loves them.”
“Yum!” he agrees.
Danny and I share a smile across the table. “But get whatever you want.”
I settle on the ham and cheese omelette, and Danny orders it for me, despite my protests that I can do it myself. We pass the time waiting for my food laughing at Eli’s antics and exchanging idle chitchat. By the time room service arrives, Eli’s long since done and basically needs a bath to wash the sticky strawberry sauce and whipped cream out of his hair and everywhere else.
A laughing Danny leads him to the bathroom to take care of that while I settle in to eat my breakfast. It feels weird, being here and not helping, not jumping in. But when I tried, Danny gave me a look and said, “Sit, sit. You’re off the clock.”
So I guess that answers that question. I’m not here today as the nanny. I’m here as a … guest? Friend? Romantic interest?
I’m not sure what I am to him, other than convenient.
That thought twists my stomach. And even though I don’t want to dwell on it, I force myself to, so that I don’t get swept up in the domesticity of sharing breakfast with Danny and his son, as though we’re a family unit. I’m not part of their family, not really, even though it feels like it in a lot of ways.
But the reality is that they’re the family unit. I’m just here to help out. And …
Well, I’m not sure what else. I guess we’re still figuring that out.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Danny
Ava’s quiet after breakfast, sitting on the couch and staring at the blank TV when Eli and I come back into the living room, his hair damp and wearing fresh clothes, ready for the day.
“Ava!” he shouts, running into her outstretched arms.
She brightens, a smile taking over her face as she unfolds her legs and scoops him into her lap. “Hey, handsome boy! You’re al
l clean!”
I study her as Eli squishes her cheeks between his hands. She laughs, pulling her head back to escape and pretending to eat his fingers.
Her happiness is genuine. And damn, Eli loves her so much. It’s obvious every time he sees her. He runs to her, hugs her, climbs all over her, giggles like a lunatic whenever she plays with him like this.
It’s impossible not to smile. And my heart squeezes in my chest.
When I found out I was going to be a dad, I had no idea how anything would work. It was a disaster. I was in the middle of a tour, promoting a new album, caught up in a media shitstorm, and dealing with a knocked-up groupie pumping me for money.
I eventually just handed her off to my financial managers and let them handle her. Gave them a spending cap, and the lawyer Blaire hooked me up with drafted a contract stating that she would terminate her parental rights before leaving the hospital in exchange for twenty thousand dollars. I never saw her again.
I made it back for his birth, waited in the waiting room until they came and got me. The efficient nurse took me to the nursery, settled me in a rocking chair, and gave me this scrunchy-faced little bundle. She paused long enough to make sure I had him, said, “Congratulations, Dad,” and then went off to bustle over someone else.
I looked into Eli’s little face the first time, his tiny hands clenched by his cheeks. He blinked up at me, opened and closed his mouth a few times, and I was done for. All in with this tiny little guy. Leaving him with my parents at not even a week old when I had to get back to the tour almost killed me. Which is why I couldn’t leave him behind again.
The squeeze in my chest now as I watch Ava and Eli together feels a lot like the one I experienced the day I became a dad. The tug, the pull, the sinking into new feelings. Feelings that have no choice but to grow and blossom …
And then Ava looks up at me, and we lock eyes, and her smile turns softer. Just for me.
Once again, I’m done.
Shouldn't Want You (Cataclysm Book 2) Page 13