by Tania Ingram
‘So you’re saying that you invented the jam biscuit?’ I asked.
‘That’s exactly what I’m saying,’ Cooper replied. ‘Unfortunately, someone from a biscuit company got wind of my idea and stole it for themselves. Now everyone sells them.’
Cooper was full of tall tales like that, but I never knew whether to believe him or not. Some of his stories just seemed too incredible to be true. But one thing I did know about Cooper was that he wouldn’t be helpful until he’d had something to eat.
‘Okay,’ I said wearily, ‘let’s go to the kitchen and see what food Miss Morgan has.’
I pulled the doona from one of the beds and carefully placed it over Miss Morgan. It felt wrong just leaving her lying on the floor uncovered. I wished there was more I could do. I placed a pillow under her head and smoothed her hair from off her face. Then I carried Cooper to the kitchen where he immediately began to raid the refrigerator. He pulled out a container of olives and a block of fancy cheese.
‘That cheese looks expensive,’ I told Cooper, pointing to the gold label. ‘Maybe you should eat something else.’
‘I’m sure Miss Morgan wouldn’t mind,’ Cooper replied.
I watched as Cooper peeled the paper wrapper off the cheese and took a big sniff. He tore off a chunk of oozy cheese and placed an olive on top. In two bites it was gone.
‘Delicious,’ Cooper cooed as he reached for more cheese.
I was always amazed at how much food Cooper managed to put away, yet he never seemed to gain weight or get sick. In no time at all, he’d eaten the entire wheel of cheese and half of the container of olives. He rubbed his tummy and gave a satisfied burp. Then he stood up and faced me with determination.
‘I have a plan and we’re going to need that bag of containment,’ he announced. ‘If we’re travelling to Anywhere, we’ll have to take some supplies.’
I ran to the attic and pulled the bag from the box labelled KEEP. I was happy we had a plan at last.
‘Take all the salt and potatoes you can find, in case we come across witches,’ Cooper commanded.
I found the ingredients and carefully placed everything into Miss Morgan’s bag of containment.
‘Grab that block of chocolate, the packet of biscuits and the jar of gherkins. You’ll also need to make a vegemite sandwich and two jam sandwiches,’ Cooper said. ‘And you might want to take some food for yourself as well.’
I stopped and stared at Cooper. Was this plan to rescue Tyrone or have a picnic?
‘In case I need my best ideas,’ Cooper added, sensing my suspicion. ‘And we’d also better check if there are any more of those buns in the pantry.’
I was about to open the pantry door when we heard a loud bang from the living room.
‘What was that?’ I asked, almost jumping out of my skin.
I raced to the living room with Cooper close behind. The room was full of thick grey smoke. I threw my hand across my mouth and coughed.
Had the genie come back? Perhaps he had brought Tyrone with him. But what if the genie had already stolen all of Tyrone’s goodness? What if Tyrone wanted to put me and Cooper to sleep as well? I shuddered and took a few steps back towards the doorway.
‘What do we do?’ I called to Cooper, but there was no response.
I looked to where Cooper had been standing behind me, but now he’d disappeared.
Cooper had left me to face the genie alone!
From within the grey smoke I heard a spluttering. As the smoke cleared I expected to see the genie with his evil grin.
Instead, I saw a chubby, sandy-coloured guinea pig with a splayed tuft of fur on the top of his head. He was sitting on the couch with a small satchel slung across his back.
‘Too much essence of hogbrew,’ he muttered to himself, coughing and waving away the smoke with his paw. He smiled. ‘You must be Jinny,’ he said, reaching a paw out towards me.
I took his paw and gave it a tiny shake.
‘Miss Morgan called me,’ he continued. ‘She said she has a genie problem.’
‘You’re the help Miss Morgan called in?’ I said. I couldn’t see how a guinea pig could possibly be any help against a powerful genie.
‘I am indeed,’ the guinea pig said proudly. He took a little bow. ‘I am Humphrey the best almost-sorcerer in the world.’
‘Almost-sorcerer?’ I queried.
‘Technically I never graduated,’ Humphrey explained. ‘But I know everything there is to know about magic.’
I squealed with excitement. Maybe he’d be able to help us find Tyrone!
‘So if you know everything about magic, you’d know how to get to Anywhere.’
‘Anywhere? Why on earth would you want to go there?’ Humphrey asked, brushing a ball of fluff from his fur.
‘The genie has taken my little brother to Anywhere.’
Humphrey froze, then shook his head. ‘Oh, that’s not good. Not good at all.’
‘So you see, I need to go to Anywhere and get Tyrone back,’ I finished.
‘But you don’t understand. Anywhere is a place where things get forgotten about. Once something is in Anywhere it’s as good as gone. The place barely exists itself.’
‘But I have to go, otherwise the genie will steal all of my brother’s goodness,’ I cried.
Humphrey shook his head again. ‘No, it’s far too dangerous.’ He noted my disappointed look, then gently added, ‘I’ll talk to Miss Morgan and see what else we can do.’
He looked around the room. ‘Where is Miss Morgan?’
I gestured for Humphrey to follow me and we went to the bedroom where Miss Morgan was lying on the floor.
‘The genie blew a powder into her face that made her fall asleep,’ I explained.
‘White thistle dust,’ Humphrey muttered under his breath. ‘Genies have used it for centuries. Unfortunately there is no antidote other than time. I guess we’ll just have to wait for her to wake up.’
‘But I can’t wait!’ I protested. ‘My brother’s already made a bunch of wishes. I need to stop him before he makes any more.’
I felt a wave of frustration wash over me. Couldn’t anyone else see the danger Tyrone was in? I wasn’t going to wait any longer. Humphrey had to help me. I had to find a way to make him help me.
‘Please,’ I begged him. ‘Imagine you had a little brother and that brother was in terrible danger. Wouldn’t you want to help him as soon as possible?’
‘I did have a little brother once,’ Humphrey said, sighing. ‘Though I haven’t seen him for many years now.’ He stared off into the distance with a wistful look. ‘I’m not even sure if Cooper’s still alive,’ he said sadly.
I felt my body freeze. ‘Did you say, Cooper?’
Humphrey nodded. ‘That’s right. My brother, Cooper. He was a real handful. He used to get in all kinds of trouble, especially when there was food around.’
I pursed my lips. What were the chances of his brother being another trouble-making, food-loving guinea pig called Cooper?
I looked around the room. ‘Cooper, I know you’re here. Come out right now,’ I said.
There was no response. Humphrey looked at me quizzically and I raised my palm for him to be patient.
I waited, but Cooper stayed hidden.
‘Right, you asked for it.’ I reached for Humphrey. ‘We just need to go to the kitchen,’ I explained.
Humphrey climbed into my hands and I stormed into the kitchen, placing Humphrey on the counter top. I grabbed the biscuit tin and took out a chocolate biscuit, then threw it onto the floor and squished it under my shoe. I reached into the tin again, grabbed a second biscuit and dangled it threateningly in front of me.
Cooper appeared next to Humphrey on the counter and Humphrey let out a gasp.
‘Okay! Okay!’ Cooper said frantically as he stared at the biscuit in my hand. ‘Just don’t hurt the biscuit!’
I frowned at him.
‘I know you’ve been listening. Don’t you have anything else to say?’
Cooper glanced sideways at Humphrey before turning back to me.
‘Sure,’ he said casually. ‘Jinny, meet my brother Humphrey. Now can you please pass me that biscuit? They’re my favourite food, you know.’
Humphrey stared at Cooper for the longest time. I wasn’t sure if he was happy to see his brother or not. Finally he spoke.
‘You’re alive?’
‘Last time I checked,’ Cooper answered with a mouthful of biscuit. ‘Not that you care. You’re the one who sent me away.’
‘I sent you away to keep you safe,’ Humphrey growled.
‘And it worked. I’m safe, so you can go now,’ Cooper replied.
Humphrey gave a little shake and straightened himself up. ‘I guess I’ll be off then,’ he said.
‘Wait!’ I shouted. ‘You can’t leave. We need your help to rescue Tyrone.’
Humphrey glanced at Cooper and then back to me. ‘I’m not sure my help would be a good idea.’
‘We don’t need his help,’ Cooper said. ‘I’ll find a way to get us to Anywhere.’
‘Since when do you help others?’ Humphrey scoffed. ‘You’ve only ever helped yourself.’
‘Not any more,’ Cooper said. ‘I know you won’t believe me, but I’ve learnt a lot since I’ve been away. I’m a changed pig.’
‘You’re right, I don’t believe you,’ Humphrey snapped.
‘Stop!’ I interrupted. ‘Why are you two fighting?’
The guinea pigs stopped arguing. Cooper gave a sigh and Humphrey stared at the ground.
‘Please, Humphrey,’ I said. ‘I need to get to Anywhere and I don’t care how dangerous it is because I have to find my brother.’
‘You’ll need a sorcerer or a genie to get to Anywhere,’ Humphrey replied.
‘You told me you were almost a sorcerer,’ I said.
‘I didn’t complete my sorcerers’ training. Thanks to him!’ Humphrey snorted, nodding towards Cooper.
He raised his head proudly in the air.
‘I wanted to be a sorcerer so badly,’ he said. ‘I was training with Magus, the most powerful sorcerer in the world. Magus told me I had real talent too. That was until he arrived and mucked everything up.’
Cooper rolled his eyes.
‘How many times must I say I’m sorry,’ he huffed. ‘If I had known it was a magic cake, I wouldn’t have eaten it.’ He turned to me. ‘I mean, what kind of idiot leaves a magic cake out in plain view anyway? Am I right?’
‘What kind of guts eats a whole cake that he shouldn’t have touched in the first place?’ Humphrey argued.
‘It was CAKE! How was I supposed to know not to eat it?’
‘It had a big sign on it saying DON’T EAT!’ Humphrey said in exasperation.
‘I thought that was simply a suggestion, not an order,’ Cooper replied.
I could see now why Cooper and his brother didn’t get on.
‘What happened?’ I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know.
‘Well, for starters, I got terrible indigestion,’ Cooper said. ‘I think it’s because the cake was overcooked.’
‘I do not overcook my cakes!’ Humphrey roared.
‘I’m simply saying it was a little dry,’ Cooper mumbled.
Humphrey let out a growl and charged at Cooper. The two of them rolled off the counter top, squealing and grunting.
‘Guys!’ I shouted, clapping my hands together. ‘Stop it! STOP!’
I grabbed them both by their scruffs and pulled them apart.
‘You’re acting like babies!’ I scolded. ‘You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.’
Both guinea pigs stared at me, surprised by my outburst.
‘Cooper, say you’re sorry,’ I urged him.
‘Why do I have to say sorry?’ Cooper whined. ‘He was the one who attacked me.’
‘Only because you deserved it,’ Humphrey growled back.
I frowned at them both. At this rate I was never going to get to Anywhere. I needed a new plan.
I grabbed Cooper and took him back to the living room. I needed some time to talk with Humphrey alone. Cooper flattened his ears and pouted at me.
‘Please, stay here, Cooper,’ I said. ‘For Tyrone.’
He nodded and I went back to where Humphrey was still waiting on the counter top.
‘I’m sorry you and Cooper don’t get on,’ I said.
Humphrey turned away from me and tried to scratch behind his ear with his back foot, but it was difficult with such a chubby tummy. I leant down and used my finger to scratch the spot he was trying to reach. Humphrey purred happily.
‘Ah, that’s the pepper,’ he said, tilting his head so I could scratch him some more.
‘I can only imagine how surprised you must have been to see Cooper, and I understand why you’re angry, but from the way you spoke about him earlier, I think you’ve kind of missed him as well.’
‘I may have missed him a little bit now and then,’ Humphrey said. ‘But I’m better off without him. He’s greedy and selfish and he’s never done anything to help anyone else.’
‘Actually, that’s not true,’ I said. ‘Not all that long ago, Cooper almost died trying to protect me.’
I told Humphrey how a witch had once tried to steal my essence, but Cooper saved me. Humphrey listened with wide eyes.
‘He really did that?’ he asked once I’d finished.
I nodded. ‘I think Cooper really has changed since you last saw him.’
‘I still don’t trust him but . . .’ Humphrey paused.
‘But you’ll help us anyway?’ I said hopefully.
‘Just keep him out of my way,’ Humphrey said, gesturing towards the doorway.
‘I promise,’ I replied.
I only hoped it was a promise I could keep.
‘Before we go to Anywhere, we need to make sure your brother is actually there,’ Humphrey said, crumbling foul-smelling flakes into a large kitchen bowl.
I leant over the bowl and took a sniff.
‘Pooh! That stinks,’ I said. ‘It smells like the food Tyrone feeds his fish, Torpedo.’
‘That’s because it is fish food,’ Humphrey said. ‘Fish flakes to be exact. Powerful stuff, fish flakes. You only ever need a tiny bit in a spell.’
I watched Humphrey, amazed. I’d never even known that fish flakes were magical!
‘Stop that!’ Humphrey hissed at Cooper who had grabbed a flake and popped it in his mouth.
He went back to stirring and Cooper pulled faces behind his back. I bit my lip to stop from laughing.
‘Fish flakes stabilise a spell by stopping the potion from exploding.’ He reached into his bag and pulled out a blue leaf. ‘Let’s see if this works. Add the water, please.’
I poured a jug of water into the bowl and stood back. Humphrey threw in the leaf and shrunk away with his paws over his ears.
The liquid in the bowl let out a small fizz.
‘Hmmm . . .’ Humphrey said with a frown. ‘That’s not nearly strong enough.’
‘More fish flakes?’ I suggested.
‘No,’ Humphrey said, thinking hard. ‘If only we had a power bean or spell-boosting orb.’
‘We have an orb!’ I said excitedly. ‘I saw one yesterday in Miss Morgan’s attic.’
‘Great! Could you get it?’
I ran upstairs and pulled the tennis-ball-like orb from the KEEP box. I placed it onto the counter next to Humphrey. He pressed his ear against the side of the orb and smiled.
‘Perfect,’ he said. ‘Throw it into the bowl and stand back.’
I did as he asked and the liquid in the bowl began bubbling and fizzing furiously.
‘It worked!’ Humphrey cried. He stepped towards the bowl, closed his eyes and began to chant.
The liquid turned black and stopped bubbling. I leant forwards to take a look. I could see my reflection on the surface of the liquid, but as I watched, a portal appeared and the image changed to Tyrone sitting on a couch with his head in his hands.
The genie was standing before him with his arms outstretched.
‘You did the right thing,’ I heard the genie say. ‘You will be safe here in Anywhere.’
Tyrone sat up and wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. ‘I want to go home,’ he whispered.
The genie waved his hand in front of Tyrone’s face. ‘You don’t want to go home. You like it here.’
‘I like it here,’ Tyrone repeated, sleepily.
The genie grinned and patted Tyrone on the shoulder. ‘That’s right. And you want to stay here.’
‘I want to stay here,’ Tyrone mumbled. He curled up onto the couch and closed his eyes.
‘Don’t listen to him, Tyrone!’ I shrieked at the image in the bowl. ‘Wake up!’
The genie jumped as though he’d heard me. He turned around and squinted in our direction. Then with a look of fury he came barrelling towards us.
‘Quick! Get the orb!’ Humphrey shouted, scrambling for the bowl.
I clutched the side of the bowl and stuck my hand into the potion. It was hot and a burning pain raced up my arm. The genie had almost reached the portal.
‘How dare you spy on me!’ he shrieked with rage.
I scrambled around in the bottom of the bowl but couldn’t find the orb anywhere. It was as though it had melted away. Something inside the bowl grabbed my wrist. I screamed as I caught a glimpse of the genie, furiously trying to pull me through the portal.
‘Let me go!’ I shouted, fighting against his grip.
All of a sudden, Cooper flew over my shoulder with a chattering growl and dived into the bowl. He landed on the genie’s face and the genie fell back in surprise, releasing my arm. I toppled backwards and hit the floor heavily, dragging the bowl with me. The liquid spilt all over me and I saw the orb fall to the ground. With a loud crack, it split into two.
I picked up the bowl and looked inside. Tyrone and the genie were gone.
And so was Cooper.
Humphrey sat motionless.
‘I-I-I’m sorry,’ he stammered, eyes wide. ‘I didn’t know that would happen.’
‘Me neither.’
I couldn’t believe Cooper had thrown himself at the genie like that. He’d saved me once again. But now Cooper was in Anywhere with Tyrone and the genie. What would the genie do to Cooper? A shiver ran down my spine as I thought of my furry friend in the clutches of that horrible genie. There was only one thing to do. We had to rescue Tyrone and Cooper.