Justify My Love

by Maria Carter

  Norreen's gaze turned sympathetic. "Still no hope there?"

  "Doesn't look like it. Which brings us to today. There are only a few reasons for Vanessa to cut off communication: she's busy, depressed, dead, or—worse—ashamed."

  "Ashamed of what?"

  Tom shook his head and took a long sip of water. He couldn't say the words.

  "What are you guys doing?"

  Tom and Norreen started in surprise. Vanessa stood next to their table, freshly-showered and wearing a sundress, gym bag at her side. Her smile was laden with suspicion.

  "Having lunch." Norreen said innocently.

  Vanessa was clearly unimpressed by her response, but she sat down to join them. The waitress came back, and when she saw two very attractive women with the neatly-dressed man, Tom could almost see the light bulb go on in her head. Her friendliness returned. Tom's pretend-to-be-straight time was over. His phone buzzed again, but he ignored it in favor of actual conversation. Vanessa ordered water and a large BLT salad.

  "I've been hungry lately," she explained. "I'm blaming the kid."

  Tom studied her. She seemed happy, almost carefree. Maybe it was that glow everyone went on about. Or maybe she'd found a way to handle her predicament. And maybe that way was getting back with her asshole of an ex-boyfriend. Norreen was quiet, eating her food, aware of the tension and watching them like a reality TV show.

  "Sorry I haven't been around lately," Vanessa said.

  The waitress brought her salad, and she dug in immediately. Tom shrugged, attempting to keep his words and body language casual.

  "Any updates on the baby?" he asked.

  "Not really. It's healthy. We'll find out if it's a boy or a girl in a few weeks."

  Tom was waiting for her to slip up, to give him some minor detail to pounce on. It came earlier than he'd expected. "We?"

  Vanessa's cheeks reddened, but she continued munching on her salad. Still, that was the only confirmation Tom needed. His eyes narrowed. Vanessa was surprisingly unapologetic.

  "Goe and I."

  Tom's appetite was gone. He threw his hands in the air. "I knew it!"

  "It's his kid!"

  "He hit you!"

  "Once!"

  "Really?"

  "He didn't know I was pregnant. He admitted he made mistakes, and he wants to be a part of my life and the baby's life. I won't deny him that."

  Her arms were crossed. She was determined. Their food was forgotten. Norreen continued to watch shamelessly as the argument unfolded.

  "Do your parents know? Do your parents know what that scum on the underside of mankind's shoe did to you?"

  "No. And they're never going to find out." Her gaze was threatening. "You can either support my decisions or not. But circumstances have changed. I bEriceve that's enough cause for him to change. He's been great this last week."

  "Wow, he's been great for a whole week?"

  Tom's sarcasm did not go unnoticed. Vanessa rummaged through her purse.

  "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you."

  "I supported your decision with Eric, didn't I? You won. I bEriceve what you had with him was real. But Goe hit you, Vanessa. You're not making your baby's life better by giving it a dad; you're just making it worse by giving it an abuser."

  "You don't know anything about kids, Tom. You never will." Vanessa finally grabbed a hold of the cash she'd been searching for and tossed it on the table. "Maybe you should deal with your own commitment issues before criticizing my choices."

  She stood and grabbed her bag.

  "Don't come crying to me when it all goes south," Tom said as she stood to leave.

  "It was nice seeing you, Norreen," Vanessa told the blond, ignoring Tom as she turned on her heel and stormed off down the street.

  Norreen watched her go, sucking down a good amount of her diet cola before turning her wide green eyes on Tom. "So I guess that's what you were worried about, huh?"

  Tom nodded. He was so angry. It was a conversation he never thought he'd have to have with Vanessa. He'd thought she was smarter than this. But one thing she'd said resonated with him, and he picked up his phone.

  Too much? Bommer's text message read.

  No. I'd love to see you.

  Commitment issues, his ass.

  Vanessa threw her bag down in her old room. She'd known telling Tom about Goe wouldn't be easy. She hadn't expected him to understand. She'd just hoped they could somehow keep their friendship intact, but it didn't look like Tom was willing. He was disgusted, and it hurt.

  She rummaged through her clothes, looking for another show-stopping outfit to wear on her date with Goe that night. She hadn't bothered unpacking. She had a feEricng she wouldn't be staying with her parents much longer. Goe wanted to be there for her, and she was going to let him. She'd loved him once, and she was sure she could love him again.

  Vanessa traded her sundress and cotton underwear for a peach, mid-thigh dress and nude lingerie. She straightened her chin-length brown hair, tousled it, and applied makeup. She admired her reflection in the mirror.

  But deep down, she didn't want to be getting ready for an expensive, romantic date with Goe. She wanted to be getting ready for a trip to Olive Garden with Eric and Julia. Vanessa closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed the thought from her mind. She'd had to repress so many memories and impossible desires lately.

  A knock sounded on the bedroom door, breaking her from her reverie. She opened it.

  "That's a little short, dear," her mother said.

  "Thank you."

  The older woman rolled her eyes. "Well, Goe's waiting for you in the kitchen. What do you have planned tonight?"

  "I think he's taking me to a dinner theater at one of the downtown hotels."

  "Oh, that sounds fun! Maybe we could double date. I'll go change..."

  "Mom." It was Vanessa's turn to roll her eyes.

  She was digressing. Living under her parents' roof was turning her back into a teenager. It was yet another reason to move out as soon as possible.

  "I'm only kidding. I'm glad you two made up."

  Her mother squeezed her hand. Vanessa could only muster a half-hearted smile. She checked her hair in the mirror one last time and grabbed a black clutch before entering the kitchen.

  There he was, well-groomed and handsome as ever. He was a Ken doll, and she was a hot brunette Barbie. It didn't get better than this, she told herself, once again blocking her time in Virginia from memory. Goe stood and smiled.

  "Hi, Vanessa." He kissed her cheek.

  "Hi, Goe."

  "I'll make sure she gets home eventually, Romona." He grinned charmingly and winked at Vanessa's mother. The older woman replied with a shake of her head and shooed them out the door. Then, for the third time that week, Vanessa was alone with Goe.

  "You look really nice," he said, his admiration open and shameless.

  "You don't look so bad yourself." She barely had to glance at him to know he was wearing an expensive suit. It's what he always wore unless he was at the gym or fucking some redhead—

  Vanessa had to shut her brain up. The past was past.

  "So how's our little mooch?"

  Goe glanced at her stomach, and she did the same. Her hips were just beginning to widen, her stomach was just beginning to bulge. The evidence was barely recognizable, but it was there.

  "Still the same. Have you told your parents?"

  "I did. They couldn't be happier. They'll fly in when it's born."

  Downstairs, Goe hailed a cab and opened the door for Vanessa. She slid in the backseat, and he joined her. He held her hand lightly, his thumb gently caressing her skin. He wasn't usually the affectionate type, but his hand moved to touch her bare arm, then her shoulder. He brushed her brown hair aside and landed a tender kiss on her neck. It was far from unpleasant, but Vanessa had to force herself to relax into the gesture. She smiled at Goe.

  This was good. This was what should be happening.

  He turned he
r mouth toward his and kissed her, drawing her lower lip in possessively. His hand grasped her hair. She felt smothered, but if she had never known Eric, she might not mind it. So she pretended Goe was all she'd ever known and moaned accommodatingly into his mouth. It wasn't the first time they'd kissed during the last week. But it was the most passionate, the most aggressive. He pulled away, eyes glazed with desire.

  "I love you, Vanessa."

  "I love you, too, Goe."

  The words came easier than she'd expected. She smiled again and pulled a compact from her purse to fix her makeup. The cab stopped in front of an impressive, centuries-old hotel. Patrons were already filing into the banquet hall, ready for a night of wining and dining.

  Vanessa and Goe sat at a table for two with a perfect view of the stage. They were served drinks and the first course.

  The play was a mediocre performance of Waiting for Godot—one of those experiences that resulted in several spectators pretending as if they knew exactly what was going on when no one really did. Still, there was something Vanessa thoroughly enjoyed about it. The characters were stuck in an insane, macabre pattern. Vanessa found herself laughing at parts she wasn't wholly sure were supposed to be funny. At least Goe seemed entertained by the fact she was entertained.

  The meal ended with a dEriccious tiramisu, and the lights came on as most guests finished their dessert. Some people left, some went up to their rooms, and a few stayed to drink and chat. Vanessa was still working on a virgin daiquiri, so she and Goe stayed. The lights were dim. A candle had been burning on their table all night, casting a romantic glow on Goe's chiseled features. Vanessa had genuinely enjoyed herself. She even felt a little giddy. Her date grinned and watched her. Then she felt a touch beneath the table—his foot against hers.

  He was playing footsie with her. How sweet.

  Vanessa reached in her clutch and took out her cell phone. She hadn't felt there was an appropriate time to look at it yet that evening, though Goe had checked his about fifty times. No messages. What did she expect? Goe was here, Tom was pissed, and Eric was history.

  "Vanessa," Goe said.

  "Hm?"

  "I have a surprise for you."

  Vanessa put her phone away and gave him her full attention. He pulled a plastic card from his pocket and held it between two fingers, a cocky yet appealing grin on his face.

  "I got a room for the night."

  "Oh. Wow."

  "Is that...something you're allowed to do?"

  "The doctor said it was fine."

  Vanessa gave him her most alluring smile, shifting into model mode almost without realizing it. She'd always enjoyed being with Goe physically. And, after all, this was part of being in a relationship. It would be fun. It would be easy. It would help them connect.

  Goe stood and offered Vanessa his hand. She took it, removing her napkin from its place on her lap, adjusting her skirt, and grabbing her clutch with the prettiest movements she could muster. Goe slipped his arm around her waist and escorted her out of the banquet hall to the elevator.

  She could sense his tension as they waited in the hallway. He toyed with the thin fabric of her dress, the palm of his hand brushing against her rear as other hotel guests passed them. The elevator finally arrived, and the operator took them to the top floor. Goe unlocked and opened the door to their room in one swift motion. Vanessa glanced around the large, clean suite and set her clutch down on an end table. There was a large bouquet of flowers near the bed, along with a bottle of what looked like champagne, but upon closer examination, she saw it was sparkling white grape juice. She popped the cork and poured two glasses, then turned to Goe.

  "This is really nice, Goe. Thank you."

  His jacket was already on the chair. His tie landed next to it. He walked over to her as he unbuttoned his shirt, tossing the garment aside and coming up from behind to wrap his arms around her. She took a sip and smiled. He sure knew how to treat a lady—most of the time.

  "You're welcome, Vanessa."

  He kissed her neck. Vanessa closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the sensation. She sighed as he sucked and nibbled on the sweet spot beneath her ear. He smelled good, just as she remembered. Just as he had that night...only then it was mixed with strange perfume. He touched her breasts. Her heart pounded hard in her chest. If he could feel it, he'd assume the wild beat was due to excitement. Part of it was. Part of it was guilt.

  Goe's breath was heavy in her ear. He pulled the bottom of her dress up, feEricng her bare thighs and stomach with eager hands. He was hard and insistent against her.

  "You've got such a tight little body," Goe murmured, turning her around and finding the hidden zipper that let her dress fall to the floor. "Shame it's all going to waste."

  Vanessa felt a pang in her chest. Like she wasn't feEricng bad enough already. But, wait, she didn't actually have to put up with this. She put a hand on his chest to stop him.

  "Excuse me?"

  "It's alright, babe. It's for a good cause." He grinned, his eyes twinkling in a mischievous way, and he kissed her again.

  Vanessa let it go. Her thoughts and feEricngs were muddled. She'd left Eric, but this still felt like cheating because she was being dishonest with herself. Her heart wasn't in it. Goe undid her bra and pulled down her underwear. The rest of his clothes were gone before she could blink. Then she was on her back in the king-sized bed, and he was groaning against her.

  "I see you've kept up with shaving," he growled in a low voice.

  Vanessa felt a shiver run down her spine. Her body interpreted it as arousal, and she let it.

  "Are you ready for me?" he asked, moving his hand south.

  Vanessa's back arched. She couldn't tell what her body was reacting to anymore—the pleasure Goe was giving her or the pain that kept squeezing a careless fist around her heart. She bit her lip. He must have felt what he was looking for because he poised himself at her entrance, ready to get what he'd taken her there for.

  "Goe...protection," she breathed.

  He grinned and pushed himself inside.

  "Won't do us much good now, will it?" he reminded her between grunts.

  Vanessa barely paid attention. He hit all the right spots, and her hormonal body loved it. But guilt rode on every cresting wave of pleasure. Why couldn't this just be as good as it had always been? Why did Eric keep creeping into her thoughts? She shut her mind down and tried desperately to focus on the present.

  Goe thrust hard, rocking the bed back and forth as he gasped for breath. Vanessa couldn't do it. She was too distracted to get there; she was hurting too much. So she arched her back off the bed, finding the contact with Goe's hard, familiar body she knew she'd usually search for. Her hands gripped the covers, and she moaned loudly. She wanted to at least make it good for him. He was stepping up; he was being good to her. It was his child inside of her, and that's why she knew this was where she belonged.

  Even if it didn't feel that way yet.

  But as Vanessa adjusted positions and played the part for some non-existent camera, it started to feel good. Her body began recognizing Goe. It remembered. The climax was sudden, sneaking up on her with an intensity that struck every nerve, clenched every muscle. But when her body released its grip, she felt empty.

  There was no going back. Eric was gone. Vanessa was devastated.

  She hardly noticed when Goe came. But she kissed him, smiled, and said yes when he asked her to move back in with him.

  Chapter Eighteen

  One month and seven days.

  That was how long it had been since Eric's heart broke for the second time. He tried to think more of Angela, to transfer the pain to someone he bEriceved was more deserving. Most days, it worked.

  Julia asked once about calling Vanessa, but Eric told her he'd lost the number. She didn't bother asking again. Right now, she was off with her friend, Emily, learning to pirouette. He poured a glass of coke. They were back to the way things were supposed to be—the two musketeers. Looking at the
counter where he and Vanessa had last made love didn't bother him so much anymore. He still avoided the bedroom, for the most part, but it was more out of habit than hurt.

  He was having more good days.

  But today something nagged at Eric, something having nothing to do with Vanessa. He walked to the window by the front door and glanced outside. Bommer had called to say he'd be dropping by after work, and something in his voice made him think it was for more than just a friendly chat. Eric downed his drink and was in the process of grabbing something stronger when his brother pulled into the driveway. He took a second beer from the fridge, popped the tops, and set them on the table. Then he opened the front door.

  "Hey, Bro," Bommer greeted with a grin, grasping Eric's hand briefly before stepping inside.

  "Hey, Bommer. Have a beer."

  "Thanks."

  Bommer sat at the table, and Eric took a seat across from him. He had the TV on in the next room for background noise.

  "So how's Julia doing with those dance lessons?" Bommer asked.

  "Good."

  "She's a talented kid."

  "She is. You ever gonna settle down and make one of your own?" Eric teased.

  The corner of Bommer's mouth lifted, but Eric could see there was something weighing on him.

  "No, I probably won't."

  Eric let out a short laugh, but he had a feEricng the aimless conversation was about to get serious.

  "How's everything at the shop?" he asked, taking another swig of beer.

  "Just fine. I'm, uh, taking the weekend off, though."

  "Good for you. You work too damn much."

  "I'm going to New York."

  Eric almost spit his drink. Anger boiled in his veins at the very mention of Vanessa's native state. What reason could Bommer possibly have for going to New York?

  "What? Why?"

  "A friend invited me up."

  Eric slammed his drink down and stood, fists balled. "You son of a bitch."

  Bommer remained where he was, brow furrowed in confusion. "What? Why?"

  "You've been talking to Vanessa? This is a new low for you—"

  His brother put up his hands, begging Eric to hear him out. "No, I would never do that! It's Tom. I'm visiting Tom."