As I sat reflecting on what I had just found out, several things became clear. It is daunting when you discover something that has been lying in front of your eyes all along.
I thought about the relationship between Harsh’s family and mine. And suddenly all the pieces started to fall in place. Their initial decision to meet me again, Harsh’s easy acceptance in letting me pay the bill, the unexpected proposal, the diamond-studded gold ring for Harsh—could all this be related? The signs of their miserliness were there right from the beginning. Good family, my foot! Grandma’s words resounded in my head. How could I have missed all this? The car that Harsh’s family was bragging about was not being bought by them, IT WAS BEING BOUGHT BY MY FATHER! The Tripathis were out to milk my parents. They were making my father pay for my ‘mistake’ of being fat.
I can never describe how humiliated I felt at that moment. It was the final nail in the coffin. The incident that helped me arrive at a decision. Even if I had been looking forward to marrying Harsh, this was a deal-breaker. And the fact that I was anyway having second thoughts made it easier to take a decision. I tried to maintain my composure till my parents returned but I could feel anger radiating through my body. Restlessness would not let go of me. I wanted to confront my parents and I wanted to do it right then! How could they keep me in the dark about this? How could they even agree to do this? Was it so important to marry me off that they would pay for luxuries they could not even afford? Were they so doubtful of finding another man for me that they could not let go of Harsh regardless of the cost? It made me physically sick. I had been too quick to drink all that water. I vomited it out in a matter of seconds. This was beyond humiliating. One thought kept playing in my head. What if we were not buying them the car? Did my marriage depend on such perks? I was devastated.
I paced up and down in my house to steady my nerves. It was only a matter of minutes till my parents returned And then it would all be over. I had made up my mind to put an end to this episode. No matter what the repercussions, I was going to break off this engagement.
23
277 days before the wedding
Never had a gloomier morning dawned upon our house. The stillness of the house weighed heavy on all of us. The silence was deafening.
The previous evening, I had managed to wait until my parents showed up. They hadn’t even properly set foot in the house, when I bombarded them with questions.
‘How could you do this to me?’ I yelled even as my mother was pulling the key out of the keyhole.
‘What has happened?’ Father asked worriedly as he removed his shoes. I was immobile and crying furiously.
Mother panicked.
‘What has happened, Madhu? Is everything okay?’ she rushed to me, dropping everything.
‘You are paying them so that their son will marry me?’ I sobbed. Even saying it out aloud filled me with disgust. My knees gave way and slowly I sank to the floor. All my years of struggling with my body, the burden of carrying the identity of a fat girl, boiled down to this one moment. It was a complete breakdown. I held my face in my hands and cried like I had never cried before. This was no longer just about Harsh’s family.
My father was rooted to the spot and Mother immediately hugged me.
‘Who told you this?’ she asked, trying to cradle my face but I fought her. I did not need her love at that moment, just her honesty.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I just had to cry. I had to let it all out. Mother tried to approach me again but I pushed her away. It was beyond dramatic.
‘Who told you this, Madhurima?’
‘You still haven’t answered me,’ I yelled. ‘This means it’s true,’ I shrieked in disbelief. ‘I was still hoping it wasn’t true. That I had somehow misunderstood the matter,’ I said, covering my mouth in horror.
‘How could you do this? How could you pay someone to marry me?’
‘Don’t talk rubbish,’ Mother yelled. I looked for father. He had quietly retreated to the sofa and sat sombrely, his head in his hands. His reaction told me all that I needed to know. I was right.
‘Just please don’t talk to me ever again,’ I screeched.
‘Madhu, calm down. There is no need to behave like this.’
‘How dare you tell me to calm down? You should be ashamed of yourselves.’
‘We have not done anything to be ashamed of. We want the best for you and we will do our best to make it happen.’
‘How blind can you be? Can you not see how wrong this is? Dowry is not legal. And that is not even your worst mistake. Have you no self-respect? Do you think I have no self-respect? I just . . . I can’t even . . . How?’
‘Please just relax, beta. Wash your face, then we will discuss the matter.’
‘There is nothing left to discuss. As far as I’m concerned, this engagement or whatever the hell this nonsense was, it’s over. Don’t ever expect me to marry into a house like this. Ever.’
‘Enough, Madhurima. Stop overreacting. I said we would discuss the matter.’
‘And I said there is nothing to discuss. I will not marry Harsh. And if you force me I will leave this house, believe me,’ I said with a note of finality. Father looked up in surprise. Our eyes met. Before I could approach him, he hung his head again.
‘What is your problem, Madhu? Why are you making this so difficult for us? After everything we are doing.’
I stared at my mother in disbelief. There was no point discussing this any further. She and I were on opposite ends of the spectrum in this matter. I turned to my father. It was he in whom I was most disappointed.
‘How could you let all this happen, Papa?’ I asked, the trauma of betrayal evident in my voice. He could not meet my eyes. His head was in his hands, tears falling silently on his knees.
‘I did not expect this from you,’ I said, hoping to sound as disappointed as I was.
After that, the house became still. I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and I think my parents did the same. My mother understood that this was not the right time to talk to me so she let me be. I lay awake for most of the night, unable to believe all that had happened in the last few months since I had agreed to get married.
More slowly than ever, morning arrived but I wasn’t ready to face the day. Mother was in for a rude shock if she had hoped that I had sobered down. My anger had not subsided. I was still in shock So when she came to discuss the matter, I shot her down.
‘Will you tell the Tripathis that the wedding is off or should I?’ I asked confidently.
‘Madhu, please, beta. You’re my mature and understanding daughter,’ Mother said. What do parents think when they use such childish tricks to pacify you?
‘No, Ma. I’m your stupid and thick-headed one. You’re wasting your time if you think I’m going to change my mind. I could never marry a man who would take money from my parents in exchange for marrying me. I would rather die alone.’
‘Madhu! Don’t say such things. And stop exaggerating. We have not paid anyone to marry you. Can a father not gift his daughter something at her wedding?’
How could I not have laughed at this one!
‘Please, Ma,’ I snorted. ‘Don’t even try that one. You know as well as I do that this was no gift. Why would they claim to be buying the car if it were a gift? Why would Papa hide this from me when he can’t even select a keychain without consulting me? At least make sure your story adds up before lying to me.’
‘Nobody is lying to you. Yes, we didn’t tell you. Because we knew what your reaction would be. And you’ve proved us right.’
‘Too bad then that I found out.’
‘Madhu, I know you are upset. But . . .’
‘Upset? I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m so many things that I don’t deserve to be. All because of you. How dare you give anybody the right to demean me like this? I’m just so embarrassed.’
‘But why? This is normal. Everyone gives the boy’s side some expensive thing or another. What i
s so wrong with a gift?’
‘Giving a gift is very different from fulfilling a demand. Look at me and tell me that this was not a prerequisite for our marriage.’
‘No, it’s not like you’re making it sound.’
‘You’re lying.’
‘I’m not.’
‘So when was it decided that we would be buying them a car? And what else have they demanded from us?’
‘Look, Madhu, that is between Papa and Harsh’s father. I don’t know what or how it was all decided. They wanted a new car and Papa decided to buy it for them. That’s all.’
‘You’re twisting it all. You’re making it sound like it’s okay but it is not. It all fits now. It makes sense. I knew something was not right. There were signs all along. Why was there a diamond in Harsh’s ring? We never buy diamonds. It’s Papa’s policy. Always invest in gold.’
‘Because rules don’t apply when your daughter is getting married. For you, Papa and I will do anything.’
‘I appreciate that, mom. But it still doesn’t change the fact that this is wrong. The fact that it was hidden from me proves that even you know it is wrong.’
‘So if we had told you about the gift it would have been okay?’
‘No, then I would have stopped you right then. It is so demeaning that they have such conditions for accepting me.’
‘And I am telling you it was not a condition. Madhu, in life every situation is not black or white. There are grey shades. That does not make people bad. I know you are hurt because we hid it from you but . . .’
‘No, mom, it’s not just that. It’s their double-standard attitude that is bothering me. Why did they not mention that it was a gift in front of me? They want to take the credit of splurging on the wedding but want us to pay the bills. As a gift, I would accept it, but a gift has to be given out of free will. This is a demand. I know it.’
‘But what’s the difference?’
‘Oh, it makes all the difference. As a gift, it is acceptable, as a condition it is not. It means that had Papa not been able to buy the car and whatever else he is giving them, then there would have been no marriage. I can’t let someone walk all over my self-respect like this. I am sure this would not have happened if Harsh were marrying someone like Ragini or Anu. But it’s okay. If they can’t accept me as I am then they don’t have to accept me at all.’
‘But they are accepting you.’
‘So if you tell them that you cannot give the car, will there still be a wedding?’
‘Enough, Madhu. Why are you getting involved in matters that don’t concern you? Just enjoy this phase. We are there to do the worrying.’
‘Matters that don’t concern me? Are you kidding, mom? I have to go and live with those people. Every damn thing concerns me. And what enjoy? Have you seen the excuse of a man that Harsh is? Do you really think I would be happy with an ugly loser like him?’
Mother was silent.
‘No woman would. And you know it. But no. You’re just grateful that some person with male organs has decided that he will put an end to your embarrassment of being the mother of an unmarried fat girl, so no matter what the price is, quite literally, you will not let go of this opportunity to get rid of your daughter. Who knows when such a deal will come again, right?’
‘What nonsense you talk! Making us sound like monsters. You just don’t know how much we love you and what we could do for you.’
‘Then do this much for me. Call this wedding off.’
‘You just won’t listen, will you? It’s best you talk to your father about this.’
‘Oh, I would love that. I would love to see whether he has the courage to face me.’
‘He did nothing wrong. We only have your best interest in mind.’
‘Right. And tomorrow when the new red car becomes old and they start harassing you for more money and ill-treating me, then what will you do?’
‘Nothing like that will happen. Believe me.’
‘How can you be so sure? How can even the slightest chance of that happening not make you want to stop this? You wouldn’t do this if you had my best interests in mind.’
‘Beta, you’re over-thinking this. It’s not as bad as you’re making it seem. Yes, it was our fault not telling you. But why should you make them pay for it?’
‘Them pay for it? They are not paying for anything. That’s the whole problem. They are misers. I should have figured it out in the beginning. Why was there no diamond in my ring?’
‘Because you hate diamonds! Isn’t that true?’
‘Yes, but that’s not the reason I didn’t get one. They are stingy. And that would still be okay with me if they weren’t milking my parents just because they think they are compromising by accepting a fat bride.’
‘I think your grandmother should deal with you now. Maybe she can talk some sense into you,’ Mother said. It was a good move. Grandma could take me down in any debate. I was thrown a little off balance. But I was not done standing up for myself. No one could bully me into this. My Achilles’, heel had been exposed so offensively that I could not think of forgiving my parents for this, ever. My shortcoming was a point of trade in the marriage market. Was there a rate card? Ten lakh rupees for every ten kg in excess, payable in cash or kind. Red-colour cars preferable. The thought made my stomach roil.
‘Beta, what will we do if this rishta breaks? How will we ever find a good eligible boy once the news spreads in the community, in society? It will be a dead end for us,’ Mother said, crying, as if her life depended on it. Maybe it did. Maybe this meant a lot more to my family than I’d reckoned. But it still didn’t justify going behind my back and allowing such a deal to take place.
On at least three occasions, I wondered if I was overreacting but then I would think of Harsh, a man earning enough to afford any luxury he wanted and my decision would be planted even more firmly. I wondered what and how many more conditions had been placed by Harsh’s family that I didn’t know of.
‘Just please leave my room,’ I said, being ruder than I’d ever been to my mother. Reluctantly, she left.
24
269 days before the wedding
Have you ever seen a family in mourning after someone’s death? Multiply that atmosphere by ten. That’s the state of a family when a daughter’s marriage is called off. Everyone perpetually looks like they are on the verge of tears. Smiling is illegal, voices are hushed, faces are serious, food is tasteless and enjoyment, what’s that?
The engagement had been broken. Harsh and I were no longer an item. Had we ever been one to begin with? I don’t think so. I had a more romantic relationship with my neighbour’s snobbish cat than I’d had with Harsh. And I hate cats. How had I managed this mammoth task of calling it quits? Well, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. You’ve got to stand up for yourself before it gets too late. I had no choice but to make sure it was done.
In the two days that followed the crucial confrontation with my parents, several arguments took place in my house. Voices were raised, warnings were given and pleas were made. My mother actually begged me to comply, to go through with this marriage on two occasions, but I did not budge.
I knew little of the dialogue between my parents and Harsh’s at that point. I was ignoring my parents as much as it was possible to ignore someone you live with. Father avoided me completely. I think he was too embarrassed to face me. Mother attempted to reconcile but every time she asked me to reconsider my decision, I would ask her to leave.
The atmosphere at home had never been this hostile. However, while overhearing conversations from behind my door, I had figured that my father had managed to put on hold the matter of the wedding date for now. My parents had been hoping that Grandma would be able to change my mind but she couldn’t. Arguing with her was like banging your head on a wall so I didn’t talk to her at all. Eventually, they had to tell the Tripathis that the wedding was off. I don’t know how they went about this task and I never bothered to ask. It didn’t matt
er.
The next morning, Harsh’s mother came home and gave my family an earful. For the few minutes that she rumbled, she stood at the entrance of our house, saying that she would never set foot inside. I heard the first few minutes of her rant diligently. She spoke at length about Harsh being out of my league, of them doing this as a favor given our good reputation. She then went on about how Harsh had rejected several girls who were fit to be queens. She predicted I would never be able to find a great boy like her son. My apologetic parents heard her monologue without a single retort.
You’d think hearing all this would have made my blood boil, but it didn’t. I was indifferent to the spectacle.
I had taken indefinite leave from work citing a family emergency—this was one by all means! I spent the next couple of days holed up in my room, coming out only when necessary.
I would order at least one burger a day and eat it in bed as I reflected on Harsh’s lack of self-respect. Burgers were my official Depression Food. I gained more than three kilos in less than a week, washing away all the hard work of the past few months.
For the first two days, I hadn’t thought of Harsh at all. I was still recovering from what my parents had done. Once that sank in, I started thinking about him while drowning in self-pity. To be honest, I didn’t feel as let down by him as I did by others. He had never given me a reason to expect anything from him to begin with. I always had a weird feeling about him. He was just . . . off, odd, weird. It helped that there was no romantic emotion between us. Breaking the engagement was easy. An emotional bond between two people needs more than just the sliding of a ring and that too such a stupid one! I had removed it and kept it on the dining table the morning after the humiliating discovery.
News of the wedding being called off reached Anu. I had been avoiding her calls and messages so she had rung up my mother. And that’s how she learnt that the wedding was off. Her following messages revealed that Mother hadn’t told her the reason. She inquired several times but I could not bring myself to respond. It was easy for me to ignore her but my family could not afford to ignore anybody.
Encounters of a Fat Bride Page 9