by C. C. Brown
The sight of them pissed me off. Partly because me and Cassie were on the outs, but also because they were on my motherfucking couch getting it on as if they owned the damn place.
“What the fuck?” I shouted, startling them. Riley grabbed hold of Nat and tried to shield her body away from me, but it was too late—I had seen every inch of his chick.
Riley’s eyes bugged out. Shock and embarrassment seemed to be filling him from head to toe, and Nat held her face down on his chest, never looking up to me.
“Hey, man, what are you doing back? I thought you and Cassie would be staying down there tonight.”
“No, I’m home, and I’d appreciate it if you’d fuck somewhere else. The couch just doesn’t seem like the best fucking place for it,” I gruffly answered, full of annoyance. “I’m going to take a shower. Scrub my shit and finish in your room.”
With that, I angrily took off for my room, slamming the door behind me. Riley fucking Nat on the couch probably wouldn’t have irked me so badly had I not just lost my fucking life, but I had. And seeing two people getting off who were also irritating me was like nails on a chalkboard.
I hastily removed my clothes, then turned the shower water to almost scalding. Letting the water run over my head and down my face, I thought back to everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.
Cassie was right. I had allowed Allen to take away from our relationship, and for that I felt like a supreme asshole who didn’t deserve to be happy. She had told me that he hadn’t stuck his shit in her, just his fingers, but even that was enough to make my fucking mind play tricks on me. The mere fact that the fucker was still breathing was another issue for me. If Riley had let me, I would have ended his miserable existence in that barracks room the night he decided to attack Cassie and forever change me and her as we knew it.
Now things had been set back to a place I had no clue how to move on from. My heart was still very much with Cassie, but I couldn’t be with her if she wasn’t one hundred percent with me. It seemed there was a part of both of us that was missing. We had somehow lost our footing, lost our way. I would do anything to find it, to set the path straight, but that was easier said than done.
We would need time.
Time to heal.
Time to deal with the numerous anomalies circling us, choking the life out of us.
We just needed time.
Would Cassie and I need a few days… a few weeks… a few months? I couldn’t reassure myself on anything at the moment, and that plucked my nerves as well. The thought of spending the night without her was killing me. To make myself think or even believe that I would go months without her, on the outs, was a death wish. I had to find a way to either get her back, or move along. The latter just didn’t seem likely. I couldn’t fathom going that long without her, but I also couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, and that was the daunting and depressing part of all of this.
I got out of the shower and threw on a pair of shorts, then lay down on my bed, the ceiling fan circling above me as I tried to read a magazine—anything to take my mind off of the endless clatter roving about in my head. Before I’d even gotten two pages into my article, there a knock on the door, and Riley walked through.
“Hey, man, you got a minute?”
I looked up from my magazine, still pissed as fuck at him. “You done fucking? Did you get off?”
“Are you really asking me that?”
“Were you fucking your chick on my couch?”
He shook his head and walked further into the room. I made no move to welcome him in, but he didn’t take notice, instead stopping a few feet from my bed and leaning up against the wall.
“Hey, man, I’m really sorry you walked in on that. I thought you and Cassie would be gone for the night.”
“Yeah, well, we aren’t. And I’d appreciate it if your ass, your dick, and any other parts of your naked body didn’t make their way on the couch where we sit and watch TV.”
“Dude, I was coming to apologize, but I see that won’t do much to help your shitty ass mood. What happened between you and Cassie?”
I looked up to him with narrowed eyes. Did he really care? Or was he asking because he was fucking nosy?
“Alex—”
“Nothing, Riley! Nothing happened.”
“Alex, fuck off. I can tell something happened. You’re an extra level of asshole tonight, and something’s got you pissed, so spill.”
“It’s none of your fucking business. Don’t you have an extra-sensitive chick out there to tend to?”
“Hey, don’t bring Nat into your shit!”
“She’s already in it, Riley. Because she runs her mouth like a fucking fountain. Because she’s scared of me and my reaction to it. I didn’t bring her into anything. She brought herself into it.”
“You brought everyone who is involved in your mess into it. You took that risk. You left the gates open to all of this shit saddling you. All we ever did was try and support you. Nat obviously isn’t your fucking problem, so either tell me what happened or don’t, but she is off fucking limits, you got that? Off fucking limits.”
We stared at one another, seething with anger and frustration. I couldn’t go on like this. I couldn’t lash out at everyone that wasn’t Cassie, or I was going to have a hard time doing what I needed to do in order to move forward. Finally, I sighed, feeling my sanity creep back in and calm me down.
“Cassie and I didn’t get married, and it looks as if we’re on a break.”
Riley’s stoic demeanor softened, allowing his shoulders to fall as he ran his hand over his head. “Fuck, man. I’m really sorry to hear that. What happened? Not because of us, I hope.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “No…well, I’m sure it played into it, but bigger shit killed our plans. Starting with my grandma.”
“Guadalupe? What happened with her?”
I went on to tell Riley exactly what’d happened when I took Cassie to Santa Ana, giving him a rundown, but leaving out the most jarring, hurtful shit that was said by not only my grandma, but by my mom as well. I filled him in on Cassie’s butchering words, and our subsequent breakdown at the beach. He stood in shock, unable to move, speak, or even blink.
“Yeah, so that’s that, and imagine my shock when I walked through my door and caught you and your girl going to town on my couch.”
He shook his head and wiped his face, holding embarrassment back. “I’m fucking sorry about that, man. We got caught up and—”
“Yeah, I know. Whatever. That’s not even my fucking concern right now. My main concern is getting the love of my life back. I just have no clue how to do it.”
“Well, first you have to get through this court-martial. Have you forgotten about that?”
“No! I just don’t give two shits about it. Everyone knows what Cassie and I did. This case is probably a slam dunk. I’ll take my punishment, and I don’t care about that, but I need to get Cassie back. Her walking away is the ultimate fucking punishment.”
“Alex…didn’t you say you walked away?”
“How the fuck can I stay with her when she looks me in the eye and says she can’t be it for me? What if Nat said that shit to you? I don’t even know if you two are on that level, but if you are, and she told you that, how would you react? And anyway, I wanted to request orders for us, get us out of Twentynine, on to bigger and better things. A fresh start. But Cassie didn’t want them. With all of the bullshit swirling around here, she wanted to stay.”
“Why?”
“Dalton.”
“Dalton?”
“Yes, he’s her best friend, and she didn’t want to leave him. So that right there tells me that I wasn’t her number one. I would have thought that she would see shit my way, and that getting orders somewhere else where people didn’t know us or our situation would have been good for us. But no, she wanted to stay because she didn’t want to leave her best friend. All of this shit stings, man. It fucking stings.”
“I think you’re looking a little too far into it. I know Cassie loves you, Alex. She’s just lost, hurt, and doesn’t really know how to deal. Hell, she’s a goddamn Pfc. for crying out loud, with the weight of the world sitting on her shoulders right now. If she didn’t love you, she would have pinned you and walked free, but she didn’t. Don’t be so hard on her or yourself. I’m pretty sure you’ll both make it through this.”
Riley was saying everything I wanted and needed to hear, but that didn’t mean I believed it. I had retreated into the pessimistic, doubtful Alex, who questioned everything and hardly believed anything else. Cassie had fucked me. My mind was hers for the taking, and she’d taken it, screwed with it, and left me reeling. I had no clue how to fix it, or even where to begin. I knew I wanted her, but I wasn’t so sure that having her was good for me right now. It was going to take a lot to fix all of this, and at the moment, I wasn’t so sure that I had it in me to tackle that head on.
“Hey, for what it’s worth, I know you love the hell out of that girl, and I know you won’t just give her up without a fight.”
“Yeah well, sometimes fighting doesn’t fix your problems.”
I laid down, picked up my magazine and went back to reading. I felt defeated and empty, lonely and dejected. I didn’t feel like me. It was tearing me apart to feel so many emotions all at once—like I had morphed into a little bitch. I couldn’t allow myself to remain this person for long.
“Fighting solves everything, Alex. We’re Marines, first to fight. You’ll sleep this shit off, kick that court hearing’s ass, then fight like you know how in order to get your fucking girl back. You’re a warrior, a fucking Devil Dog, and I’m going to be right there, by your side, locked and loaded, helping you win this fucking battle. Now take your ass to sleep. I don’t need to see this side of you anymore.” With those words, Riley walked out of the room, leaving me alone.
He was right.
I was a goddamn Marine, primed for battle. There was no way I was about to let Cassie go this easily, and even though stepping back and getting some clarity was necessary, fighting through the trenches would make getting her back that much sweeter. Victory would never feel so good.
I went to bed that night with a heavy heart and an eager mind. Riley gave me the starting point that I couldn’t see. Now it was time to carry through with my plan.
Chapter 10
Cassie
Dalton and I laid out by the pool, soaking in some rays after he’d peeled my near lifeless body from my bed. Sleep never really came to me the night before, not after Alex pretty much ended us. How he couldn’t see that jumping into a marriage with everything we had stacked against us was a bad idea was the biggest mystery to me. Marriage was hard work anyway. Throw in an angry, unsupportive family, broken friendships, and monumental punishments for our misdeeds, and we were whipping up the perfect recipe for disaster.
How could he not see it?
Or was I missing something? Was our love supposed to conquer all? Were all of these just small nuances on the road to happiness?
I didn’t have the answers to those questions, and the more time I spent thinking about them, the sicker I became. How could I have been so blind to the fact that coming out of our proverbial closet would be harder than hiding in it? Maybe I was blinded by our lust, then quickly consumed by the depth of our love for one another.
Whatever the case, Alex’s words struck an unsettling blow that knocked me off my feet, gasping for air.
“Cassie, you’ve barely spoken two words since I pried you out of that room,” Dalton said, looking forlornly at me. I hated his overly sympathetic eyes staring down on me. Every time he looked at me that way, I felt like a small piece of me crumbled inside.
“You got me out of the room. That’s enough, right?”
“No, actually it isn’t. What’s the point of a best friend if you can’t confide in me?”
I looked up at him through my sunglasses, feeling the warmth and sincerity of his words, but wanting none of it. I hadn’t felt so low in quite a while. Not even Allen had brought me down so far.
“Cassie…”
“Okay, okay. If you absolutely must know, I’m going to court tomorrow on the outs with Alex.”
“So you guys had a fight?”
“I guess you can say that.”
Dalton sat up. “Cassie, I’m no dumbass. There was more than a fight, and this has nothing to do with your court case. If you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?” He paused and stared at me for a second. “You have to talk. You have to get this out in the open because it’s eating you alive.”
“Alex broke up with me,” I blurted out, not wanting to feel the power in those words. Dalton looked on dumbfounded, like he hadn’t heard me correctly. “He broke up with me yesterday after I told him I couldn’t marry him.”
“What? Wait… why did you do that? How did this happen?”
I shook my head, feeling the burning sensation from the threatening tears welling up in my eyes. I was done with crying, and I didn’t want go back down that route. It had taken too much out of me, too much that I was never going to get back.
After a minute of gaining my composure, I was finally able to speak. I told him about our intimacy issues—about Nat and Riley, his family, and our explosive falling out at the beach. At the end of the tale, Dalton scooted over closer to me, taking me in his arms as I allowed my best friend to be my best friend. I allowed him hold me, to comfort me, to make me see that I wasn’t alone in all of this. It was needed, and I was done fighting it.
“I’m so sorry, Cassie. You should have called me. I would have gone to get you. I picked my car up yesterday, so I could have jetted right down there to go and get you.”
“I know, but you had plans.”
“They would have been dropped for you. No wonder you’re such a broken mess. How the hell did you make it home last night?”
“I’m not sure how I made it home. The first part of our drive, Alex stewed in silent anger. He didn’t say anything to me. He didn’t even look at me. But after that, he started talking, started asking questions, and shit just went from there.”
“What did he say? I’m so sorry for having you relive this, but I honestly want to know. I need to know if there is a way to fix any of this. And how I can help you?”
I smiled. Dalton was my right hand. He genuinely loved me and wanted what was best for me, but I saw no way that he could help. Alex and I were at a point where the only thing that could help us was a miracle and Dalton just didn’t possess those powers.
“He wanted to know how long I had been feeling this way, and why I hadn’t spoken up about it before everything came to a head. I told him it had been slowly building since I’d left the hospital. Alex not being able to look past the ugly that Allen had inflicted on me was tearing me up. How was I any good to him if he continued to allow that to be a road block for us?”
Dalton sat stoic, taking in every word. He pursed his lips a couple of times, and shook his head as he did.
“Then he went on to speak about his family. How he wanted to put distance there.” I paused and stared into Dalton’s icy blue eyes. “You know what kind of shitty home-life I came from. Family is all I’ve ever wanted. I couldn’t believe what happened in that living room, and I knew it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Cassie. It sounds like his grandma had it out for you from the very beginning.”
“She was suspicious, yes, but that was before she got to know me.”
“She still doesn’t know you.”
“And she never will. She doesn’t want anything to do with him as long as I’m in the picture. You think she’ll magically warm up to me?”
“Cassie, I don’t have the answers to this problem. Hell, I’ve got my own issues. But I know you love him, and I know he loves you. I think after everything you two have been through, you guys deserve to work this out and be happy.”
Truer words were ne
ver spoken, but being happy came with a hefty price tag for us. At this point, I wasn’t even sure if Alex was willing to try.
“Dalton, you have to listen to me and promise not to fly off the hinges.”
“Do I ever?”
“Just promise.”
“Shoot.”
I blew out a gallon sized ball of air, clearing the way for what was the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and devastating thing that Alex had ever said to me. “He told me, and I quote, Cassie, if I can’t have you, all of you, then I can’t have any of you. I’ve never loved anyone more than the way I love you, and it’s that love that won’t allow me to be with you. It hurts looking at you, it hurts touching you, its hurts smelling you. It just hurts. And for my own sanity, I can’t live with this hurt.”
Tears slowly trickled from my eyes again, prompting Dalton to take me in his arms. He rubbed the back of my head as we sat at the edge of the pool, and I cried as he shushed me, making me feel something besides hurt, anger and despair.
“Cassie, he loves you. He’s hurting, and he’s a prideful son of a bitch. His pride is in the way. Give him time.”
“I don’t know if I can, Dalton.”
“How did he leave you last night?”
“He walked me up to my room…” I paused for a second, reliving the kiss that made me feel alive and distraught at the same time. “He kissed me as if it were the last air he would ever breathe.”
A smile took over Dalton’s face. His pearly whites were on full display, shining brighter than the scorching desert sun.