by C. C. Brown
“Staff Sergeant, he’s gone,” Christen somberly said.
I didn’t care what he had to say. I had every reason to get Vega back home and in one piece. I was consumed with the idea of this fucker getting home to marry his high school sweetheart. That was all that was on my mind.
“Staff Sergeant”
“Fuck off!” I yelled, tears burning my eyes and threatening to spill. “We don’t give up on our brothers!”
He sat back and watched me work, knowing full well that there was nothing more to be done. I heard the chirp of the radio as he called in for transport.
“They’re coming for him, Staff Sergeant. You did everything you could do.”
My tears hit Vega’s face as I let him go, mixing with the blood that had splattered it only minutes earlier.
“Fuuuuuucccckkkkkkk!” I yelled, standing and kicking the wall repeatedly. I hated everything and everyone. I hated Iraq…I hated that kid...but most of all, I hated myself. I had lost my fucking cool out there, and if it hadn’t been for Vega trying to calm me down, he would have never been standing where he stood, and I would have been the one to take that bullet.
Anger and guilt swirled through me, causing me to kick violently at the walls, the rocks, and anything that I could get my boots on.
The bullets subsided as the transport crew made their way inside of the corridor and wrapped Vega up before loading him into the back of the vehicle. My head hurt as I struggled with my new reality. The vision of Vega taking that bullet…his stunned eyes and the blood splattering from his wound played over and over in my mind as I walked behind the crew. This would haunt me as long as I lived, and the guilt of it all had already begun to consume me.
“Stay on alert,” the Staff Sergeant from the crew called out.
I sat in the back of the vehicle next to Vega’s body as we navigated through the now darkened city. Shots were fired as we made a right out of the neighborhood, giving the shooter’s positions away. They were wholly inaccurate now that it was dark, and we were moving, but we fired back in hopes that we’d hit one or more anyway. I grabbed for the radio, calling into base and reaching one of Keating’s Comm guys.
“We’re taking heavy fire!” I yelled over the commotion. White had moved over to cover me and Vega as I placed the call. “We see the direction of the fire. Should we engage?”
“No, Staff Sergeant. Return back to base. That is an order. Air strike is being sent out.”
“Roger that.”
I dropped the radio and joined in on the fight. Before long, we were back at the base gates, pulling in with one less guy alive and in one piece.
The crew dropped all of us off at the front tent area. I didn’t immediately exit the vehicle, instead staying behind with Vega and resting my hand on his lifeless body.
“I’m so sorry, man. I’m so fucking sorry,” I cried out. My heart hurt more than I comprehend, and I did nothing to stop the tears from flowing. “I’m going to personally make sure your girlfriend knows just how much you loved her. Rest in peace, brother.”
My stomach rolled with the thought of what she had done for him and how she would never see his face again. The familiar and agonizing smell and taste of blood filled my senses, making me sick with grief and guilt. I looked down at Vega’s covered body and placed myself there, realizing that it should have been me in his place.
“We need to get his body off, Staff Sergeant,” one of the crewmen calmly said.
I turned and looked at him, empty and stunned. Vega had died right there in my arms, and no amount of anything I did stood a snowball’s chance in hell of bringing him back. Christen finally pulled me away, and the crew took off in the opposite direction with the body of one of the best fucking Marines I had ever had the pleasure of serving with.
“It’s okay, Staff Sergeant. It’s okay—”
“It isn’t fucking okay!” I cried out, clenching my bloody fists at my side. “It’s not motherfucking okay. That man is dead. We lost a fucking brother out there. Nothing about that shit is okay.”
First Sergeant Keating walked out from one of the tents and strolled right up to me, grabbing me by the head and pulling me into his chest. “Let it out, son. Let it out.”
I wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted from me, but my anger was already boiling out, and I was close to going on a fucking rampage, destroying everything in my line of sight. I grabbed and held tightly to the back of his cammie blouse, tears once again burning and threatening to spill from my eyes. I sniffled a couple of times, working extra hard to keep my tears firmly inside.
“Go get yourself cleaned up, then come and see me.”
White took me by the arm and marched me into my tent, then over to the showers. He stood outside the shower the entire time, listening to me wail on the walls and on myself, cursing myself for allowing and watching my fucking brother die in my arms. As badly as I wanted to cry, I was much too furious to do so. Instead, the frustration of the day’s events settled into a sitting, but pounding headache that left me with blurry vision and the urge to vomit.
“You all right, Staff Sergeant?” White asked. I ignored him, my mouth painfully dry and unable to speak. “Staff Sergeant…”
I forcefully made my way out of the shower, meeting White’s stoic eyes. He escorted me back to my tent where I got dressed in sweats and a PT t-shirt. As badly as I wanted it to stop, the vision of Vega, alive and well one minute, then dying in my arms the next replayed over and over in my mind. It was agonizingly, slow torture, put on repeat for my torment.
“First Sergeant wants—”
“I know what he fucking wants!” I barked, then shoved the tent covers away and stepped out. We walked in slow silence to Keating’s office tent where he firmly greeted me, then waved White off. Keating and I had traded expressions—me completely devoid of emotion while he looked on with great concern.
“I’m sorry about what happened to Vega, but the rest of you boys did just what the fuck you were trained to do. Sometimes we lose some, son. That’s war.”
I looked up at him, never moving my head. I knew everything he was saying was true, but that didn’t take the sting or the hurt away.
“This is the fucking universe raining down on you all in one day.”
His cryptic words caught my attention, finally urging me to speak. “What do you mean, First Sergeant?”
“Well, I was waiting until after the mission, but there is no good fucking way to deliver the news now.”
My heart beat frantically with every word he spoke. It seemed like his voice slowed, and whatever he needed to tell me was never going to leave his mouth.
“You’re heading home tonight. A Red Cross message came in for you and you need to get back. Go and the see the Chaplin while the boys pack up your stuff.”
Red Cross? My mind raced with possibilities as my heart rate sped up even faster. The words leaving First Sergeant Keating’s mouth were falling on deaf ears as I sat there, stunned, anxious, and feeling helpless. There was nothing worse than receiving a Red Cross message from home and knowing that there was nothing you could do. My hands clenched in anger. I was overwhelmed with all of the bullshit that had taken place out in the city, and now, hearing someone back home was hurt, it was too much to handle.
Was I being punished? It was all I could think about as Keating’s words continued to fall on deaf ears.
“Who is it?” I asked, coldly with a blank stare.
“Head off to the Chaplin, son. He’ll fill you in on everything you need to know and help you deal with it.”
“Who the fuck is it?” I yelled, my mind completely lost and not giving a shit about anything at the moment. Those threatening tears that never seemed to give up began to sting my eyes once again, one finally falling and racing down my cheek. My cheeks burned with the heat of frustration, and my mouth went cotton dry. Yelling at this point was an added punishment as it seemed my throat was being shredded by sharp shards of glass.
My heart beat
so hard that it hurt, my eyes stung so badly that I could no longer keep them open, and my body tensed up so badly that I could no longer contain it. I began to tremble with the chills in over one hundred degrees weather and found myself unable to think straight. As tough as I thought I was, Iraq had a nasty grip on me and wasn’t letting go.
The Chaplain finally came into the tent just as Keating stepped out. He sat down in the seat next to me and began talking. I couldn’t come to grips with what he was saying as the emotional turmoil of the day pounded me like a helpless child.
His words sealed my fate, broke me down and forced all the pent-up aggression out of me.
Chapter 20
Cassie
“This hospital is going to know you so well, Cassie.”
“I know. I really hate that.”
Dalton had been by my side ever since the little accident I’d had at PT the day before. Even though I was mad at him, he was still my right hand while Alex was gone.
Things with Angelica had gone back to being tense, and I really couldn’t say that I expected anything different. Alex didn’t trust her, Dalton didn’t trust her, and when the drugging theories were floating around, it didn’t dawn on me to defend her because deep down I felt she was capable. She’d taken offense to that, and now we were right back where we started from, only dealing with one another when absolutely necessary. I’d apologized to her for shoveling the blame at her feet, which she accepted, but the damage had been done. Unfortunately, some people just aren’t meant to be friends, and after everything we’d been through, I chalked it up to Angelica and me being those people.
Dalton had fucked up royally where his love life was concerned, and I was pissed at him about it. Sure, it was his choice to be with whomever he wanted, but that was the thing. He hadn’t made a choice. He forced Ben out of his life by stating that he wouldn’t make a choice and wanted the freedom to be with both of them when he could. I couldn’t say that I blamed Ben for not agreeing with that plan. He didn’t live in California and would be giving up his life back home to be with Dalton, but the loss and hurt in Ben’s eyes had done me in, sparking tears that wouldn’t stop and fueling an anger so deep that I couldn’t speak Dalton’s name for a couple of days. I loved him only second to Alex, so our separation didn’t last long, but my empathy for Ben made me lash out at Dalton, striking a small, but reparable rift between us.
“So what’s the deal? What happened to you?”
“We were running that mountain trail towards the back of base and at the end of the run, I started cramping. I told Staff Sergeant Rappert that I just needed to stretch and go to the bathroom, and when I did, I was spotting.”
“None of them knows about the pregnancy?”
“No, it’s none of their business.”
“They are going to find out, Cassie. Might as well tell them. You need to chill out and take care of little Alex in there.”
An icy chill crept up my spine as I thought about Alex. I’d tried to tell him, but he was forced off the phone and I never got the words out. He’d made mention of kids before, but neither of us expected them this soon, and I wasn’t sure a child was best for us right now with everything that was happening. My mind played out scenarios of me telling him, his reaction to it, and my reaction to him. None of it was good, and fear came crawling back in, making me wish that I could avoid it altogether.
“I don’t think I can tell him, Dalton. We’ve just gotten back on solid ground.”
Dalton’s blue eyes turned stone cold, zeroing in on me. “Cassie, you better get that shit out of your head right now. Good or bad timing, this is your baby. A baby you two made together.”
Dalton’s concern finally hit me, shocking me a bit.
“Do you think? Wait! I would never do that, Dalton.”
His face relaxed as my words placated him. The icy stare he glared my way warmed with my words, and he took my hand, rubbing the top affectionately.
“I just know you’re scared and confused, so I wasn’t sure what was running through your head.”
“Well, rest assured. That was not.”
After what felt like forever, the nurse returned back to my room, and informed me that the cramping and spotting were absolutely normal. It was music to ears. The fear of Alex’s unhinged reaction to the news was still in the back of my mind, but I told myself I’d deal with his lunacy when the time came, and right now, just wasn’t that time.
I went to work the next day, claiming exhaustion and nothing more, then spent my night dodging my mother’s phone calls. She didn’t understand that when I said I was done with her, I really was done with her. I could have taken her calls, but her verbal lashings every time she got me on the phone with her was too much to bear, and right now, with everything that I had going on in my life, I just didn’t want to put myself through the unnecessary misery.
Dalton came over with food and movies, forcing himself to watch the likes of Mean Girls and the old school Babysitters Club Movie per my request. He hated them, but said if it meant spending time with me, he was all for it. Ben had altogether stopped talking to him, and things between him and Johnson had gone sour in a hurry. Dalton spent as little time in their shared room as possible, hoping and praying that his request for a new room would be approved sooner rather than later.
“Have you heard from Alex?”
“Nope, the last time I spoke to him he was rushed off of the phone. It was crazy, so I know something was up.”
“You aren’t still torturing yourself with the news, are you? You know they don’t report anything good.”
“I try not to, but it’s hard when everywhere you turn, Marines are dying around us. I never want that to be Alex.”
“Of course you don’t. But watching that shit fest on the news isn’t going to change things one way or another. Stop watching it. It’ll drive a sane person crazy, and you aren’t exactly sane.”
I hit his shoulder, then stood to make my way to the bathroom since the nausea had started to settle in.
“Hey!” Dalton called out. “You have a call from a four-eight-oh area code.”
“Hit ignore. It’s my mom, and I don’t want to speak to her.” I walked out of the bathroom.
“It’s not your mom. No name popped up here.”
“She’s probably just calling from a different number so I’ll answer the phone. I’m onto her shit, Dalton. Just hit ignore.”
He did, then got a call on his phone that made him jump up with excitement. “I’ll be back. It’s the barrack’s manager. Hopefully they are assigning me to my new room.”
“Enjoy. I’ll be here when you get back.”
He hurried out of the room, looking like he’d just struck it rich.
My voicemail chime went off. My mom had stopped leaving voicemails, so I decided to listen and was pleasantly surprised to hear one of my only friend’s from back home, Taylor, on the other end.
I immediately called her back, excited to hear from her. She had gone on a trip of self-discovery through the Alaskan wilderness and hadn’t had much contact with anyone during that time. She talked about meeting some fisherman up there, and her plans to uproot from the desert to the mountains, moving in with him and getting married. She’d spent six months up there and found out she was pregnant towards the end of her voyage, and couldn’t have been more thrilled about it. Her excitement prompted me to share my news, making her the first person outside of Dalton who knew about my pregnancy.
When I got off of the phone with Taylor, the nausea came roaring back, sending me running for the bathroom. I was beginning to hate life. With my first pregnancy, I hadn’t gone through this, and I was beginning to question why I was being subjected to it now.
Dalton returned, looking pissed off.
“What happened?” I managed to say, making my way back into my bed.
“They denied it. Said getting into a relationship with my roommate was no reason to move rooms. Basically, they don’t give a shit.”
“Anyway, are you okay? You don’t look good.”
“Just throwing my life up. I hate this shit. I’m even having a hard time keeping water down.”
“Keep your legs closed, and this won’t happen,” Dalton joked, prompting me to flash him a death stare.
My phone rang again, this time Adriana’s name popping up on the phone. My heart immediately sank as thoughts of my worst nightmare come true, but before I could answer the phone, tears sprang to my eyes, leaving me a complete mess. Dalton’s face contorted with confusion and concern. He grabbed my phone and answered it.
“Hello… wait… stop crying, I can’t understand you. What happened?”
Dalton’s words took a piece of me with every syllable spoken. Adriana was calling with the news I never wanted to hear, and I jumped from the bed and barely made it to the bathroom before what little was left in my stomach came violently erupting into the toilet bowl. Dalton was right behind me, holding my hair and rubbing my back as Adriana’s shrieking voice continued to fill the phone receiver. I couldn’t make out her words, but her voice was enough to send a fresh wave of panic over me, and another round of vomit into the bowl.
“Hold on, Adriana. I’ll have Cassie call you back.” He hung up the phone and helped me back to my bed. Fear shrouded every inch of me as I awaited the dreaded words that I knew he didn’t want to say. “Cassie…listen to me. Alex is fine…”
Alex is fine. My breathing finally settled, and the tears slowed dramatically.
“Alex’s mom is in the hospital, and it’s not looking good. Adriana wants you to go down there.”
“What? What happened to her?”
My heart broke and the tears came raging back. Imelda was Alex’s heart and soul. He loved her so much it hurt, and to know that he was close to losing her was probably the worst news that he could ever hear. My eyes burned and my throat went dry from the tears. How in the hell was I going to make the long drive from Twentynine to Orange County? The daunting task seemed near impossible as I began dry heaving, my stomach roiling with the turmoil of what Adriana was going through and what Alex would become if he lost his mom.