“Cruise ship in Cabo today,” Alejandra said, over the din of the crowd.
“How do you know?”
“So many gringos today.” He scanned around and noted the older white tourists, day bags stuffed with shopping, and lining up at touristy restaurants. Fanny packs and bone-white skin, now burning red.
“Do I look like one of those tourists?” he wondered aloud.
“No, you’re a gringo, but you don’t look like tourist; you look like expat.” He took some sense of satisfaction at that. “Tourists shop and eat fast to get to boat or flight. You are not in a hurry. You are local.” She smiled up at him, and he smiled back at her.
As they neared the Cabo Wabo, the crowds grew thick, and he saw the sidewalks packed with tourists, all buying souvenir shot glasses and bottles of tequila. In the heat, everybody was wet with sweat, and many fatter folks were panting from the exertion.
“Let’s not go inside. I’m not in the mood to fight through a crowd today. I have a bit of a headache.”
“Do you want to go back to the room?”
“Yeah, I think I need to lay down for a bit.”
Once back he fell asleep almost instantly, with Alejandra’s head resting on his shoulder. When he awoke, it was already dark. Alejandra was awake, with the TV on softly, barely audible.
She smiled at him. “Hi, Danny. Are you hungry?” She sat up in the chair like she meant to make him something to eat, though he knew there was no food in the room.
“No, not hungry. What time is it?”
“About 8 o’clock. You slept long time.
“Yeah, I guess I was tired.”
“You talk in your sleep. You make me jealous!” She laughed aloud when she said it.
“Jealous? I don’t understand.”
“You say the name Melissa many time. You even say, ‘I love you Mel.’ You must have fun dream!” She again was smiling and laughing lightly.
“Sorry.”
“Okay, Danny. I only joke with you. Not jealous. I just want to see my show on TV, so I get up.” She gestured towards the TV.
He was still shaking the sleep confusion off. He tried but couldn’t remember the dream. Alejandra again smiled, but he did not smile back. He got up and walked to the mini-fridge, opening a bottled water. She turned the volume down lower on the television, but he could see it was a soap opera, based on the serious looks the characters were giving each other, and the long dramatic pauses to show exaggerated facial expressions.
“Melissa, she your wife? You married, Danny?” Being a woman, she waited for his reply.
So there it was. THE question. He pondered how he would answer it for a second. He stared at the wall in front of him. Should he tell her the truth? How much of it? She was just a bar girl. He could tell her to fuck off and not be the worse for it. That wasn’t him though.
“She was my wife, Alejandra. She died in May. She was murdered.” Coward…you fucking coward. Tell her the truth. She died because of you. Immediately he had an image of her in the casket. He visibly shook.
“Oh Danny, I’m so sorry.” She got up and hugged him from behind. “I’m sorry I ask you, Danny.” He knew she meant it.
“No, it’s okay. I probably should have told you before.”
“No, you not have to tell me, Danny. I’m sorry. I curious about why you in Mexico. Now I understand.”
“Yes, I came to Mexico because she loved it here. I wanted to remember her. I did not come to find someone.”
She stepped back a half step, though her hands were still on him.
“That’s not what I mean, Alejandra. I mean I came here to remember her. I did not expect to meet someone like you. I’m sorry.” He turned to her. He could see hurt in her eyes. “I’m glad I met you though. You have helped me feel better.”
She pushed her head to his chest.
“My wife’s death hurt me so much.” Fucking coward. “I just needed to get away from my hometown.”
“Sacramento?”
“Yeah…she was murdered there. I could not stand to drive by the place she died, or the places where we lived together. I could not live in our…”
She put her finger to his lips. “No, Danny. You don’t have to say anything.”
“No, I want you to know. Her death destroyed me. Everything in my life was built around her. Everything changed when she died.” He felt her pull him tighter.
But that’s not the story, is it, Danny. You left because of your own cowardice. You murdered your wife. Tell her that. Tell her you let her die to save your own miserable life. Tell her.
“Danny, I’m so sorry for you. Please don’t say anything else. I know I am not your wife, but I can take care of you and talk to you.”
“Thank you.”
“I know pain too, Danny. Not tell you before. I have dos bambinos…two children. I cannot take care of them. My husband leave me…he have another girlfriend…he leave me and I cannot take care of my children. I leave my children with mi madre…she take care my children. I work in bar so I can take care of my children. I know pain too, Danny.” He felt her tears on his shirt, though her voice never broke. “When I go home I see my children and I not know them. I see mi madre raise my children and I not know them anymore and they not know me anymore. My children not need me.”
He knew she was sharing her own pain to help connect them together, but he was too caught up in his own to say or do anything. Instead, he just held her tight. Her arms pulled him tighter. He knew he was supposed to say something, but he had nothing to say. He stood there holding her for a long time.
XX
Playa del Amor…Lover’s Beach. A short water-taxi ride, and they found themselves nearly alone on a pristine stretch of sand and clear water. He set the umbrella, and watched as Alejandra threw off her wrap and waded out into the water. Her couldn’t help but notice how beautiful her body was. Lean, tanned, and shapely. Melissa had grown soft and a bit plump in the middle, though she was a beautiful young woman. Alejandra, though, had a tight, athletic body. Her long, dark hair went past her shoulder blades. She was a gorgeous woman, but she didn’t belong to him. He knew her beauty had enticed many men. He knew that any man who saw her would want her, and that she could be had at a price.
He hated himself for judging her…who was he to judge anybody? He was as flawed as she was, probably more. Yet he couldn’t help the feelings in his heart.
When she was in past her knees, she turned and called for Danny to join her. He hopped across the burning sand, and into the water, then waded out to her side. They both took in the clear blue-green waves, not hiding the luscious white sand below it. Small fish nipped about in the current. The view was both calm and exciting at the same time. The light hurt his eyes, so he squinted, not wanting to miss a thing.
Without warning, Alejandra took three long strides and then dove into the water. He watched her supple form under the water, and how gracefully she glided out, barely moving to propel herself. When she came up, she smiled and called for him again. Danny walked out to join her, kicking up water until he was past his hips. As he reached her, he sunk himself into the water next to her, so that only his head was above it. His hair, straightened by the water, now reached down to his back. He hadn’t realized that his hair was growing long. He also needed a shave. How different he was from the person who left Sacramento.
“Don’ you like the water, Danny?” Alejandra teased, sensing him within himself.
“Yeah. It’s amazing. What a beautiful beach.”
“Yes, I love coming here!” She has been here before, and probably with other men.
“How many times have you been here?” he asked, feigning innocence.
She looked him directly in the eyes, trying to read him. She understood the question. “A few times,” she said without inflection. She then slipped underwater and swam a bit more. Danny stayed where he was, feeling the waves pulse over and around him, moving him back and forth. The rocking movement was peaceful.
&
nbsp; He looked back to the sand on the beach, and began to think of her. He could see her canary sundress. Hear her laughter. He remembered how they made love…two young people so in love, so lost in each other. They used to fall asleep in each other’s arms, never wanting to let go. She wasn’t a gorgeous woman, though she was young and pretty. She was special though. She was alive. Alive…overflowing with life. Always laughing, always moving, always wanting to experience. She was instantly everybody’s best friend, and the life of every party. Even as they became focused on careers, they had a busy social life, and were often with friends and family. She gave him another side of his life.
No woman will ever be HER, he knew. No woman will ever give me what she gave me. A sense of family. A sense of belonging. She took a shy, hardworking boy and made him a man, with a busy calendar, a sense of purpose, and a drive to be more.
When he looked over his shoulder, he saw Alejandra, a few feet behind him. She had been looking at him. When their eyes met, she gave him a soft smile. He smiled back, also softly.
They both knew what was coming next.
XXI
Danny helped her put her bags on the bus, squeezing the weathered suitcase into the rack above her seat, then putting the backpack at her feet. No words were exchanged. He saw her eyes filled with tears, but could only give her a short hug, and then he exited the bus. When outside, he stood on the station steps. She took her seat at the window. The tears streaming now. Hurt. Loss of promise. When the bus began to lurch forward, she gave a soft flex of her fingers, and he waved in return. He never saw her again.
She did not know that he had put $1000 in an envelope in her bag. He knew she would’ve rejected it, so he put it in there when she was showering.
“I am good woman, Danny. I could take care of you,” she had said.
“It’s not you, Alejandra. It’s me. My heart is not ready. I can only think of Melissa.”
“I know you love her, Danny. Okay. No problem. I can take care of you. You can think of her. I don’t mind. We both have past, Danny.”
“I can’t explain. I feel that when I’m with you…I am somehow hurting her.” He could see those words stung her. He opened his mouth to say more…he wanted more to come out, but nothing did.
“She’s dead, Danny…she not come back. I’m here.” She knew it was hurt talking, but she said it anyway. She looked expectantly into his eyes, but saw nothing. Nothing but distance. Miles between them. She knew it was over.
Now, Danny watched the bus leave. Felt himself alone. That was how it had to be. Right now anyway. He walked slowly down the street, absently kicking stones, head down. One dusty street after another. The heat of the late morning made his t-shirt cling to his wet body.
After he walked a bit, he found himself outside an Internet café. It wasn’t very crowded, and the air conditioning enticed him. He paid 20 pesos for 30 minutes, and took a seat in a quiet corner. He wasn’t surprised to find over two hundred emails waiting for him. Remnants of my old life…corpses. Emails from old acquaintances with encouraging messages and “Where are you?” headings. Bones, bleaching in the sun. He deleted almost everything. The messages from his family he left, for now. He knew he wasn’t ready to read them just yet. Grief and depression were lands where tomorrow was always the greener grass on the other side of the fence. It was too dark where he was living right now.
He left long before his time expired, and he again walked out into the street, and again found himself wandering. His stomach was empty, but he didn’t want to eat. His shorts were already hanging loosely on him, but he had no desire for food right now.
He came across a barbershop by accident. He got a haircut and a shave. The straight razor made his face rash, but it was good to be clean-shaven again. Both the shave and the haircut exposed white skin that hadn’t seen the sun the rest of his body had. He enjoyed the feeling of the wind on his freshly exposed face and neck. He again walked, feeling the itch of hair falling down his back.
As he walked again, the heat of the afternoon weighed on him heavily, and began to make his head throb. He could feel sweat running, and he saw it drip off his nose and felt it run down his back. He grabbed a Coke from a street vendor, and then found some cool shade. He sat on the cement, and stretched his legs out in front of him.
Where to now? he wondered. For the first time in a while, he didn’t sense an intended direction. Mexico had been the goal, and he was already there. He had done it. But now what? What would be the plan from this point forward? Would he stay in Mexico? He was already running out of money. He needed to decide on a path, or decide to return.
No, return wasn’t an option.
His mind’s musings turned dark. He began to have images…the images he had fought so hard to block. Her face. Her on the slab. That was his cue to move.
He stood up and started walking again. As he walked, he found himself back near the port. He didn’t want to plunge into the crowd of tourists, so he stayed a block outside. The restaurants were filled to capacity. The noise, from a distance, was a wash of sound. He decided to head back to his hotel.
He turned a corner and saw posters outside a travel agent’s office, peeling from the gray cement-brick walls. A to Z Travel. He saw advertisements for Paris. Rome. Sydney. Then he saw a poster that caught his eye. He looked hard at it. He recognized the picture, if only distantly. Temple spires were lit by a setting sun. He had never seen anything like it. It was a poster for a place he didn’t know the name of. “Ver Increible Angkor Wat!” Massive, partially crumbled stone temple, dense jungle visible in the background.
PART III: A SLIGHT REFRAIN
XXII
Terminal A at the Sacramento Airport is the old terminal. A long, flat building with drive up. Danny stayed under the overhang until Scott pulled the car around, then walked briskly, hearing the doors unlock as he drew close. Even still, he was quickly soaked by the heavy downpour. He put his bag in the backseat, then hopped into the front.
“Sorry it took a while. The parking garage was slow going,” Scott said.
“No problem, man. Just so glad you came to pick me up today.”
Scott reached to the backseat and produced a baby towel. “I can’t promise there isn’t spit-up on it.” Danny wiped the rain off, and ignored the spoiled milk smell. Neither said another word until Scott’s Highlander merged onto I-5. Music was playing softly, but Danny didn’t recognize the song. Scott broke the silence. “So Jim said you were coming back, but when I asked if you needed help finding a job, he said you weren’t planning on staying. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, never better.”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Well…c’mon, man…don’t make me beg for information!”
“Well, there’s not much to tell. I’m alive. I’ve traveled around a little. Things have a new focus for me, if you know what I mean.”
“How so?”
“Hard to explain. Let me tell you later over a drink.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
Scott drove in silence for a while. Danny watched the rainfall through his window, feeling far away. As they reached the downtown interchange, Scott again spoke, “May I ask why you wanted to stay with me?”
Danny looked at Scott and smiled. “That’s okay, yeah?”
“Of course, Danny. You know you’re always welcome. Not sure how well you’ll sleep though…little Jason is a bit colicky, so he cries a lot.”
“No worries, man. After Mexico, I’m used to sleeping through a bit of ‘ambient noise.’”
Scott laughed. “Okay, man! I warned you though. But why didn’t you want to stay in your own house? I’ve been checking on it weekly. Everything is there.”
“I’ll explain that later too.”
“Is it the memory of Mel?”
“Something like that.”
As they merged onto Highway 99, the rain began to taper off. Passing through the old neighborhoods of
South Sacramento, Danny leaned his head against the side window, looking longingly at the old homes, feeling the vibration of the car on the road. He felt the vibration of memories as well. The houses reminded him of an old life. Relics. He grew up here. He walked these streets so many times…rode his bike…drove in cars…kissed girls…his old life cast shadows on these streets. He could almost see these shadows going about their business. Living his old life. Talking to his old friends. Ghosts of ghosts.
“Danny, remember when you fought Mike Lopez in front of Bobby’s house?” He pointed to the Taylor house, one block off Franklin Boulevard.
“Yeah. Man, he beat my ass that day.”
“Yeah, he was a tough sonofabitch. But you held your own…or…well…at least you stood up to that prick…I think he beat up everybody in our class at least once. At least you had the balls to tell him to fuck off. I think he beat me up just because I cheered for you that day.”
“Wonder whatever happened to him.”
“I saw him last month. He works at the Jiffy Lube on Fair Oaks. We even talked…seems like a nice guy now.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, surprised me. I was a bit shocked when I saw him, and I kinda half expected him to punch me again.”
“He didn’t though?”
“Ha ha, no, he didn’t. He’d probably gas out now…he’s put on about a hundred pounds since high school.”
“No shit?”
“No shit! He was always stocky. Guess it caught up to him.”
As they pulled into Scott’s garage, Danny saw Linda open the door into the house, holding the baby in her arms.
“I still can’t believe you have a kid, Scott.”
“Yeah, and you promised to be back for the delivery! You jerk!” Playful laugh.
“Yeah, sorry about that. But what I mean is, I can’t believe Scott Larson is a father. That is just mind-blowing.”
“Not sure how to take that,” he said with a smile.
The One Way (Changes Book 1) Page 10