The more she valued the little things in life, the more anxious I was to treat her to the really big things. I’d never met a woman more deserving of a little good fortune, and Chelsea’s reaction to the cottage just reinforced my decision to buy and renovate the old building.
“I wouldn’t change a single thing about this place,” she said, running her hand over a knotty pine desk tucked into a corner.
Kara had scoured antiques shops all weekend looking for that piece of furniture, and she’d claimed it was perfect. Judging by Chelsea’s smile, she was right.
“I have to admit you’re making me second-guess my decision to tear it down,” I said.
She gripped my shirt, looking up at me. “Can’t you feel the history here?” Biting her lip, she closed her eyes. “I can almost hear kids laughing and dogs barking.”
The only thing I could hear when I looked at her was the pounding of my heart in my ears as a little voice warned me to wait until she’d told me her story before I decided whether I could live with her demons. “Let me fix us something to eat while you wander around and check out the rest of the place.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Make yourself at home.” I could easily imagine her spending every weekend here with me while we stayed in the city during the week.
“Are you sure I can’t help you in the kitchen?”
“No, I’ve got it under control.”
Since the cottage was small and open-concept with everything on one floor, I could watch her wander from room to room as I added bread, crackers, olives, cheese, grapes, and cold meat to a tray, along with a couple of bottles of water. I could have really gone for a beer, but I still wasn’t clear on why she refused to drink. Until I was, I’d decided to refrain.
“Do you want to eat outside?” I asked, pausing in front of the sliding doors leading to the rear deck.
“That would be great.” She opened the door for me before following me outside. “I have to admit, this place isn’t at all what I expected.”
“Too feminine, isn’t it?” I grumbled. “That’s what I get for asking my sister, the interior designer, to help me decorate it. Seascape, she calls it.” I rolled my eyes. “Baby blue doesn’t belong in a bachelor pad. I don’t care what the hell you call it.”
She giggled, patting my hand. “Aw, does it threaten your masculinity?”
“Maybe.” I grinned when she leaned in to kiss my cheek.
“You don’t have to worry. You’re all man. Anyone can see that.”
Let me prove it to you. Had she been any other girl, I would have said that aloud. But I wanted to take it slow with Chelsea, build up to and savor the intimacy. I’d never thought I’d enjoy the chase since no other woman had ever made me work for her before, but I’d realized there was a lot to be said for taking your time and getting to know each other before falling into bed together.
She twisted the cap off her bottle and took a small sip. I watched her jerky movements as she piled food on her plate. She was obviously anxious about what she wanted to tell me. I just wanted to get it over with so I could assure her it was no big deal and we could move on.
“So Shaun…? He was your first and only love, huh?”
“Yeah.” She popped a grape in her mouth, followed by a square of cheese, and took her time chewing. “I never even saw it coming to be honest. I started working as a waitress at the comedy club when I came to town. He was the headliner and a good friend of Billy’s.”
“He’s the reason you got into comedy?” I didn’t know how I felt about him having such a lasting impact on her life.
She smiled. “Yeah. I used to help him work on his act, and since I came up with pretty good material, he told me I should be the one up there instead of him. But I had terrible stage fright.” She laughed, shaking her head. “It took me three months to work up my nerve.”
“But you did it with Shaun’s support?” I was trying to sound curious instead of jealous, but I wasn’t even convincing myself.
“Yeah.” She spread brie on a cracker as though she needed to buy some time to collect her thoughts. “He really helped me reinvent myself, take risks I probably wouldn’t have without his encouragement.”
If this man was responsible in any way for the strong, independent woman sitting before me, I supposed I owed him a debt of gratitude, but I didn’t think I could ever shake his hand without thinking about the intimacy he’d shared with the woman I wanted.
“Conquering my stage fright was just part of it though. Comedy helped me find my voice. I learned how to express myself, tell my story in a way that entertained others, which believe it or not, can be kind of cathartic.”
“I’ll have to take your word for that,” I said, popping a couple of grapes in my mouth. “I’ve never been real big on sharing.”
“I’m not either if it’s one-on-one like this,” she said, gesturing between us. “That’s why this is so hard for me. It’s easier when there’s a crowd. When I’m expecting laughter instead of sympathy.”
I wondered why she’d expect my sympathy, but I didn’t want to ask. This was her story to tell in her own way and time.
“So, long story short, I fell in love with comedy.”
That part I knew. I wanted to know more about her relationship with Shaun. How long had they been together? Who ended it and when? Did she still talk to him? Was he still in love with her? So many questions raced through my head, but instead of asking them, I ate in silence for a few minutes while she did the same.
“Then I fell in love with Shaun.” Her eyes darted to her plate when I looked up from mine. “It was great at first.”
“At first? What went wrong?”
“It took a while for me to realize he used comedy to mask his depression.”
Daphne had implied a lot of comedians did that. Maybe she was right. “His depression, was it serious?”
“I didn’t think so at first.” She picked up her fork and pushed a few olives around on her plate. “I thought it was just mood swings—no big deal, right?”
I’d once dated a girl with severe mood swings. She said it was PMS, but my sisters reminded me girls didn’t get PMS every other day. “But it was a big deal?”
“After we…” I could tell the words were tough for her, but she looked me in the eye as she said, “Got engaged, it got worse.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, closing my eyes when I realized that probably hadn’t been the best response. Breathe. Stay calm. “You were married to this guy?”
“Yeah.” She swallowed, pushing her chair back as she curled her hands around the iron armrests. “We’d only been dating a few months. It wasn’t like me to be so impulsive, but Shaun convinced me we could build a life together, that we could have the family I’d…” She looked out at the water. “Never had.”
He’d played on her weakness. The bastard. “How long were you married?” More importantly, how long have you been divorced? I didn’t want to be her rebound guy.
“Um…” Tears sprang to her eyes, and she stood.
Damn it. The last thing I wanted was to console her because she was broken up about another man leaving her, but it killed me to see her cry. Especially since I could tell how hard she fought against emotional displays.
She stood at the edge of the deck, her hand wrapped around the wood handrail. I got up and stood beside her, torn between putting my arm around her and walking away. I didn’t know if I wanted to hear any more. I wasn’t a coward, but I wasn’t used to having such a strong reaction when the woman I was dating shared details about her past relationships. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings, let alone hers.
“Three days,” she whispered. “That’s how long we were married.”
My shock must have been evident, but I couldn’t suppress my reaction. “You had it annulled?”
“He killed himself.” She drew a deep breath, and if pain were audible, I would have heard hers. “I walked into our apartment and found him.”
> “Jesus.” I pulled her into my arms, crushing her against my chest. Why she found it so hard to let her guard down and let someone else in made sense now. This man had promised to love her forever, and he’d left her willingly in the most unthinkable way. “I’m so sorry, Chels.” I kissed the top of her head. “I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for you.”
Her sobs were silent, which made them even more heart-wrenching. Her slight frame trembled with her effort to try to maintain her composure, but I could tell she was on the verge of letting go.
“I should have seen the signs,” she said.
I didn’t want to torture her any more by asking for details. I trusted they would come with time, but I couldn’t deny her revelation only brought more questions. “Don’t beat yourself up, sweetheart. It was his decision. I’m sure there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.”
“I could have reached out to his family, told them that his depression was getting worse. Maybe they could have convinced him to get the help he needed.”
I hated that she was blaming herself, living with the daily torment of unanswered questions and guilt that couldn’t be assuaged.
“But he asked me not to tell anyone what he was going through, so I didn’t.” She buried her head in my chest, closing her hands around her face. “I had no idea he would take his own life. I swear if I’d known—”
“I know,” I said, stroking her hair. “You would have tried to get him the help he needed.”
All I wanted to do was hold her and assure her that everything would be fine. But I couldn’t because I didn’t know if any woman, even one as strong as Chelsea, could get over a loss like that… and trust enough to fall in love again.
Chapter Eleven
Chelsea
Sharing my story with Darius hadn’t been as terrible as I’d imagined. He didn’t seem horrified as I’d feared. Just sympathetic. Now he was holding me as we watched some silly pay-per-view romantic comedy. I knew he had better things to do, but he insisted I was in no condition to drive home and he wasn’t ready to let me go yet. I wasn’t ready to let him go either. Honestly, I didn’t know if I ever would be, and that scared the hell out of me.
“Chels?”
“Mmm?” With my head resting on his shoulder and his strong arms around me, my eyes were drifting closed.
“How long ago did you lose him?”
“Almost two years.”
“And you haven’t dated anyone since?”
“No.” Before I met Darius, I’d seriously believed that part of my life was over, even though Daphne claimed I was being ridiculous to even consider living the rest of my life without a man.
“I can understand why you said you didn’t want a relationship when we met.” His fingers massaged my scalp, making my eyes drift closed again. “But I need to know whether there’s a chance you’ll ever…”
I knew what he was asking. Looking at him, I stroked his cheek. “I never expected to meet someone like you, but I’m so glad I did. If watching you leave last night taught me one thing, it’s that I don’t want to let you go.”
He exhaled slowly before a slight smile tipped his lips. “Good. I’ll try not to pressure you, given what you’ve been through, but I’m not gonna lie. I really want to be with you.”
I wanted him as much, if not more. “I want to be with you too.” I sat up, facing him. “Sex is a really big deal to me. Not just because of Shaun—even before I met him. He was, uh, my first. My only lover.” I wasn’t embarrassed by my sexual inexperience. It was a choice, one I didn’t regret for a second. So many of my foster siblings had used sex to mask their pain, and I didn’t want to make the same mistake.
“Really?”
“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try to have a normal, healthy relationship with you.” Try being the operative word. Given my baggage, I wasn’t even sure it was possible, but I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t give Darius and me a chance.
He leaned in slowly, almost as though he was gauging my reaction before he kissed me. My body hummed whenever he touched me, as though it was vibrating with energy and reawakening after a long, deep slumber. I ventured under his shirt, eager to feel his bare skin. What started as an innocent exploration quickly turned into more as my wandering hands took on a life of their own, reaching for his belt buckle.
He reached for my hand, his breathing ragged. “Chels, as much as I want you, even I know it’s too soon for you to sleep with me.”
Was it? Most women would have hopped into bed with a guy like Darius after the first or second pseudo-date. I didn’t think I was one of those girls, but the way my body responded to his touch made me question how long I could wait to be intimate with him. “What if I’m ready now?”
He smiled, stroking my cheek. “As much as I might want to, I can’t. Not today, not after what you shared with me. You’re vulnerable, still emotionally drained and reeling. When we do make love—not if, but when—it’ll be the right time, the right place.” He kissed me to punctuate his point. “Everything will be perfect. I promise.”
I wanted to ask how long he intended to keep me waiting, but that would have only made me sound desperate. Since it was nearing four and I’d promised to have Chase’s car back by six, I said, “I guess I should go.”
“I guess,” he said, sounding regretful. “I wish you didn’t have to. I’d love for you to stay here with me tonight, just like this.” He gestured toward the couch we’d been cuddling on.
“I’d like that too, but I promised Chase.”
He frowned at the mention of his friend’s name. “So listen, about my buddy Chase. He’s a great guy, and some women may even consider him a catch, but if he makes a play for you, you have to promise me—”
I silenced him with a kiss. “He won’t. And even if he does, I’m not interested in him. I’m interested in you.”
He grinned. “Good. Does that extend to other guys too?”
I laughed at his ploy to gain my assurance I wouldn’t date other guys while he was busy working in paradise. “You’re the first guy I’ve dated in two years. I think it’s safe to assume you’re the only guy I want to date. You?”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to date any other guys either.”
I slapped his chest, smiling. “I’m serious.”
If we were going to have an intimate relationship in the foreseeable future, I needed his promise that I was the only woman sharing his bed. Exclusivity was a big step for me. I hadn’t expected to even consider it so soon, but I’d never considered sex after a handful of dates either.
“If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone,” he said.
I kissed him softly before wrapping my arms around his neck. His words hit me hard, making me wonder whether it really could be this easy to fall in love.
***
Later that night, Daphne and I stumbled home dead tired. I’d taken a shift for a friend at Exodus, and she’d managed to get a waitressing gig at a local diner while the club was being renovated.
“I can’t believe you drove all the way to the Hamptons to see him,” Daphne said.
“Crazy, right?”
“You must be crazy,” Daphne said, hugging the couch cushion against her chest. “About him.”
It was hard not to think about Darius when we were living in his apartment. He was everywhere, from his scent on the few shirts he’d left in the closet to the comforter on the bed I slept in to the half-empty bottle of cologne under the bathroom sink. But even without those reminders, I knew I’d have been thinking about him all the time. He wasn’t an easy man to forget.
“I guess I am.” Admitting that, especially to Daphne, who’d been there to hold my hand during the lowest point in my life, felt good. I knew how worried she’d been about me, and I liked being able to tell her honestly that I finally felt I was on the mend.
“You guess you are?” She rolled her eyes. “You’ve had that stupid grin on your fa
ce almost nonstop since you met him. Except last night. That was as sad as I’ve seen you since…”
“Since Shaun died. It’s okay. You can say it.” There was a time when those words or the mere mention of his name would have shattered me, but after talking to Darius about him, saying Shaun’s name, or even thinking about him, felt a little easier.
“We never thought you’d get over it.”
I knew she was talking about our family at the comedy club. In my case, the only family I had. Many of us were outcasts. We’d come to the Big Apple to blend in because we’d been misfits in hometowns that rejected us, and we’d banded together to learn the meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.
“I didn’t either, but I can finally say it’s getting better every day,” I said.
“Thanks to Darius?”
“Maybe, in part. But I think I was just ready to move on. It just took someone like Darius to remind me that life has to go on.”
“Couldn’t you have worked your way up to someone like him though?” Daphne asked, laughing. “I mean, seriously, girl, doesn’t it bother you that he could literally have any girl he wants?”
It would have bothered me if I’d allowed myself to dwell on it. “For now, he wants me. If he decides he doesn’t anymore, a day or week or month from now, I’ll deal.” That was the only silver lining to losing my husband the way I had. I knew I could handle anything life threw at me.
“How do you do it?” Daphne asked, curling her arms around the overstuffed pillow.
“Do what?”
“How do you convince yourself you don’t need a man?”
I’d convinced myself of that long before I met Shaun, but he’d somehow managed to convince me otherwise. “I think there’s a difference between needing a man and wanting one. I thought I needed Shaun. When he died, I realized, as hard as it was to imagine going on without him, I wasn’t going to stop breathing because he had.” The crushing pain in my chest during those first few months had made me wonder if it was possible to die of a broken heart, but I’d survived, just as Daphne had promised I would.
Darius (Starkis Family #5) Page 10