Twenty-Three
cade
After a shitty night’s sleep, I’m in the kitchen, doing test runs on an entrée for my final exams. My mind is elsewhere, not on the dish in front of me, and it shows. I curse as I look at the less than stellar meal I’m practicing, the balance of flavors wrong, the meat overcooked, the plating clumsy at best. Even with the talk Mark had with me mere days ago, I cannot get my shit together. Not when Winter’s been the only thing on my mind.
With a growl of frustration, I dump the entire plate in the sink, the food going down the disposal.
“What the hell, Cade? I would’ve eaten that. I’m starving,” Tessa says as she walks into the kitchen.
The stress of exams and the unknown future with Winter has me snapping at her. “If you want something, make it yourself.”
When I turn around, Tessa’s eyebrows are raised, her eyes wide with surprise.
“Fuck.” I scrub my hand over my face, shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry. Had a bad night.”
“Uh, yeah, I heard.” She cringes, and I try not to think of how much of the fight she was able to make out through the too-thin walls of the house. She pulls out one of the stools at the island and sits down. “What’s going on?”
Bracing my arms on the counter, I drop my head between my shoulders. “I fucked up, Tess.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
I huff out a laugh, shaking my head. “It’s worse.”
“What’d you do?”
I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Winter got fired last night.” At Tess’s sharp gasp, I nod. “Yep, that fucker fired her. She came over to tell me about it, and…” I shake my head. “I was stupid. She was being secretive, and I was on edge and not thinking. She was freaking out about making rent and losing her apartment, and I…I asked her to move in.”
When I look up at Tessa, her mouth is hanging open, her eyes even wider than before.
“I know. I was a fucking idiot. I’ve known from the beginning I need to take it slow with her, and I just threw that all out the window and dove right in. I spooked her, and when she freaked out, I said shit I shouldn’t have…shit I didn’t mean.”
“Everyone says things in the heat of the moment they wish they could take back. I’m sure she’ll understand after she’s had a couple days—”
“That’s not all.”
Her lips press into a tight line. “Well, hell, Cade. What else?”
I clench my eyes shut, pressing my thumb and forefinger there before dropping my hand to the counter once again. “Our whole fight started because she was keeping something from me. She said she got fired because she was late, but something didn’t add up, and she refused to tell me the reason why. I knew it was that asshole boss of hers. She made me promise not to go to the pub, said she handled it, but after she left, I was so pissed off I couldn’t stop myself. And what I found out? What that fucker tried to do…” I shake my head, my knuckles going white as I grip the counter. “I’m lucky I stopped at a single punch.”
“You hit him?”
“Fuck, yes, I hit him, and I’m not sorry I did. That piece of shit deserved it. But if Winter finds out…if she knew I went there after she specifically told me not to… I don’t know that she’d forgive me. Not again.”
“I’m sure you’re making it out to be worse than it is. Call her. Talk to her. You guys can work this out. She’ll forgive you, Cade. She will.”
She sounds so sure, so earnest, and I want to believe her. But she doesn’t know Winter like I do. Tessa doesn’t understand Winter’s unwavering need to be in control of her life, to stand on her own two feet.
And I know, without a doubt, if my words from the night before didn’t push her away, this certainly will.
winter
My mind isn’t any clearer in the morning, after having tossed and turned most of the night, Cade’s words playing on a loop even in my dreams. Even recalling the venom in them, I’m still drawn to him. Even after confirming my worst fear, I want him. I want to curl up in his lap, fold myself into his arms, have him tell me everything is going to be okay, but I can’t.
The jarring realization of how parallel I’ve let my life run to my mother’s is enough to make me second-guess everything, including him. His words only forced me to face it head on instead of tiptoeing around it as I have been from the beginning. I’ve allowed myself to get lost in him, to be consumed by him, and I’ve forgotten my priorities.
The lessons I learned fifteen years ago are still with me, settled deep in my heart as my truths. The one constant, the only thing I was sure of during that time, was what I saw with my own eyes, over and over again: a man could make you lose yourself completely. And Cade has proven that.
My mother gave herself with abandon, sought out the oblivion, the companionship men could provide, found her worth in too many guys to count, and I sat back and watched. As she bounced from man to man, bounced us from house to house, town to town. Jerry and Ted and Rick and a hundred other names I can’t remember. I never knew what was going on, why we had to leave just when we got settled. I only knew the cycles. The beginnings, middles, and ends of her relationships. The roller coasters of my childhood.
I don’t want to ride on roller coasters anymore.
My phone rings, the sound shrill in the otherwise quiet room. Cade’s name flashes across the screen, and my heart jumps into my throat as I press ignore and let him go to voice mail. I’m not ready to talk to him. I’m too raw, too exposed, too vulnerable because of the realization I’ve just come to.
Regardless of attempting to run from everything I hated about my childhood, I’ve unintentionally sought it out through Cade.
He’s stoic and proud, bigger than life. Sharp jaw, intense eyes, armor made up of metal and ink. He is intensity and want and desire. He’s happiness and frustration and comfort and hope and fear.
He is my roller coaster.
Twenty-Four
cade
“Hey, it’s me. Again.” I sigh, rubbing a hand over my head. For the past three days, we’ve done nothing but play phone tag, and I have a sinking feeling it’s intentional on Winter’s part. “Call me back.” Hanging up, I toss the phone on the table in front of me, muttering a few curses as I do so.
“What’s got your panties in a twist, pretty boy?” Jason asks as he strolls in from the kitchen.
I glance over at him, the epitome of I don’t give a shit, and I’m so not in the mood for him tonight. “Fuck off. When the hell did you get here?”
“I love you too.” He drops into the chair across from me, propping his feet up on the dining room table and crossing them at the ankles.
Narrowing my eyes, I stare at what he has in his hand. “Is that one of my cookies?”
“Well, I sure as fuck didn’t make them.” He bites into one, crumbs going all over his shirt. I swear to Christ, he’s like a toddler. “These are damn good, though. Can I take some home?”
I slap his feet off the table, forcing them down on the ground with a thud.
He stops mid-chew, his eyebrows climbing up his forehead. “Okay, seriously, what’s your deal?”
Groaning, I scrub a hand over my face. “Fuck. I don’t know. Everything’s just catching up with me. I’ve got finals in all my classes, my portfolio’s due, Mark’s been breathing down my neck, and…” I mutter a curse. “Winter and I haven’t talked in a few days.”
He studies me for a minute, then says, “Mhmm, just what I thought. It’s like I diagnosed last time. A severe case of whipping of the pussy variety.”
“Get out.” I point to the back door. “I’m serious. Get the fuck out.”
“Goddamn. You are touchy. Fine, I won’t give you any more shit about it. So you haven’t talked in a while. What’s the big deal?”
“She’s avoiding me.”
“How do you know?”
“Because she never answers my calls, and anytime she returns them, it’s always when she knows I’
m working or in class.”
“Why do you think she’s avoiding your calls?”
And I don’t think; I know exactly why. I take a deep breath and exhale. “We had a fight.”
“’Bout what?”
“I, ah…” I mutter a curse, rubbing my thumb and forefinger over my closed eyes. I know exactly what his reaction is going to be, and I’m not in the mood for it. Not when I’m already pissy about what’s going on. “I told her she should move in with me.”
He chokes on the bite of cookie he just ate, coughing and sputtering, his eyes wide and watering. “Fucking hell, man, are you kidding me?”
I answer with a sharp shake of my head, my glare daring him to push this.
He ignores my unspoken threat, sitting up and leaning forward with his elbows propped on his knees. “Okay. Let me get this straight. You’ve been seeing her for, what, a couple months? And you asked her to move in with you?”
“There were extenuating circumstances.”
“The fuck kind of extenuating circumstances would call for such a stupid-ass move? Jesus Christ, Cade, that girl is more skittish than a wild animal. Even I know that, and I’m not the one fucking her.”
“You think I don’t know it too? I know it better than anyone exactly how volatile she is, but what the hell was I supposed to do when she told me she got fired and was worried about not having a place to live? It just…slipped out. It made sense at the time.”
“Well, shit.”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat and take a swig of the beer I brought out earlier. Placing it back on the table, I spin the bottle slowly between my fingers, staring intently at it. “And I sorta…fucked up.”
“More than that?” His voice is incredulous. I don’t blame him. Our roles have always been reversed—me trying to help him out of whatever fuckup he’s gotten himself into.
“Unfortunately.” And then I tell him everything that happened that night, from when I left here after Winter stormed out to leaving the pub after confronting her boss.
“Well, shit,” he says again. “I mean, I’m glad you hit the fucker, but still. Shit.” He takes another bite of the cookie. “You gonna tell her?”
My shoulders slump as I exhale harshly. “I have no fucking idea.”
“If you do, let me know. I’ll come with and she can cry on my shoulder.”
I stare at him for a moment, somehow shocked at his lack of tact, though I shouldn’t be after so many years. “You are a worthless best friend, you know that?”
He grins, completely unaffected. “I try.”
The back door slams shut and Tessa strolls in, her eyes downcast as she riffles through her purse. “Cade, can you—” She lifts her head and stops abruptly when she sees Jason. “Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were here.”
“Hey, Tess. Looking hot as always. Come here and take a load off.” He pats his knee and gives her the smile I’ve seen him give a hundred girls at a hundred different bars.
“Goddammit, Jase, I swear to God you are about to get my foot up your ass. I can’t handle your shit tonight.”
He laughs, dodging when I halfheartedly try to kick him. “Aww, come on. This is how we are. She loves it, don’t you, Tess?”
She doesn’t answer, just waves a dismissive hand and turns to go down the hall to her bedroom. Before her door shuts, she pops her head out. “Oh, Cade. What I was going to ask when I came in—can you pick up Haley tomorrow from after-school care? I have a date.”
“A date, huh?” Jason calls out. “Where’d you meet him?”
“Probably from that online dating site,” I grumble.
Jason’s head snaps in my direction. “She’s signed up on a fucking dating site? Why’d you let her do that?”
I snort. “When have I ever let her do anything?”
Not hearing us, or not caring, Tessa breaks in, “He’s a single dad of one of Haley’s friends. Older. Established. Mature. And he loves kids.”
“I’m mature.” Jason’s voice rings with irritation, and the only response from Tess is a disbelieving huff. “And how old is ‘older’? Are we talking cradle robber, or what?”
“Well, Dad, I’m not exactly sure, but there aren’t any gray hairs, so I think we’re okay.”
“Whatever. Sounds like a loser to me. Why don’t you bring him by so we can meet him and make sure?”
I roll my eyes and get ready to tell her I can pick Haley up when Tess speaks up, her voice carrying down the hall. “If you can tell me the last time you were on a date, Mr. Mature, I’ll bring him by and you can give me your stamp of approval.”
“That’s easy. Last Friday.” Jason sits back, his hands folded behind his head, feet up on the table again, smug grin on his face.
“I didn’t say pick up a girl in a bar and bring her home to sleep with her. I said a date. You know, what adults do. Where you ask for her number, call her a few times, take her to coffee or dinner or a movie. Actually pick her up and then drop her off at her doorstep at the end of the night with nothing more than a kiss.”
His whole body sags, his arms dropping to his sides as his mouth opens then closes with a snap, and I don’t even try to stop the laugh that slips out.
When he doesn’t respond, Tessa says, “That’s what I thought. Cade?”
“Yeah, I can. No problem.”
“Thanks. I’m gonna change and then go pick her up. Are you making dinner tonight?”
“Aren’t I always?”
With my back to her, I can’t see her face, but the tone of her voice tells me she’s smiling. “Well, I’d be happy to help, but you never let me. Someone has a control problem.”
Her door shuts with a snick, and I look back at Jason. “What was that all about? Since when do you care who she goes out with or how she finds her dates?”
“I don’t. Whatever.” He stands up, slaps me on the shoulder as he walks past. “Let me know when you get out of the doghouse with Winter or when I can swoop in. I gotta run. I’m taking some of these cookies, though.”
I shake my head at his retreating form, listening to him rummage around in the kitchen before he yells out, “Later,” and the front door slams shut.
Looking at the dining room table, my notes, books, and recipe cards scattered over the whole thing, I sag in my chair. The work I still need to finish before next week is staggering, and I should be concentrating on it. Instead, thoughts of Winter consume my mind. I don’t know how to fix this, and my gut churns with the fact that I only managed to make it worse by going against her wishes and doing something behind her back. With a groan, I drop my forehead to the table and close my eyes.
“What’s wrong, big brother?” Tessa scrubs her hand over the back of my head before she takes the chair Jason vacated. “Still haven’t heard from Winter?”
“Nope,” I mumble to the floor. “She returns my calls, but always when she knows I can’t answer. Her messages are short, and I can’t get a read on her.”
“Maybe she’s just really that busy.” She gestures to the never-ending pile of schoolwork spread out in front of me. “She has finals to worry about too. I’m sure things will settle down next week.”
I grunt in half-hearted acknowledgement, tired of discussing this and needing something else to focus on. “What was with you and Jase?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why was he so interested in your date?”
She shrugs and stands. “Don’t ask me. I never know what’s up with him.” Once she has her purse and keys in hand, she heads to the door. “We’ll be back in an hour. Make it count,” she says as she points to the homework spread all over the table. “Haley’s gonna want teatime when we get back. She talked about it all the way to school this morning.” With a smile and a wink, she’s out the door, and I’m looking down at the work I don’t want to do, waiting on a phone I know won’t ring.
winter
I listen to the voice mail Cade left when I ignored his call earlier. His messages are getting
shorter and shorter, and I can tell his frustration is growing with each one he has to leave. I don’t blame him, but I can’t talk to him. Not yet. Not when all my fears of becoming the one person I’ve struggled my whole life to avoid have come to fruition. If I have any hope of keeping my head on straight for my finals, not to mention finding a new fucking job on top of that and worrying about getting kicked out on the street, I can’t deal with it right now. I can’t deal with him right now.
Everything is so chaotic, my mind a maelstrom, and I can’t get clarity. I can’t focus on what I need to. What was so clear in the past, so black and white, has become muddled with things I wasn’t prepared for.
Hope. Love.
And where has it gotten me? Stripped of my only source of income, floundering to find something else, soon to be evicted from my apartment…
It’s gotten me completely and utterly fucked.
Taking a deep breath, I try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, instead focusing on the list of available positions in the area I have pulled up on my laptop. Why couldn’t that jackass have fired me a month ago? If he had, maybe I’d have a chance of finding something. But now, so close to summer, every place around that pays well enough for me to scrape by is bloated with fellow students getting jobs for the summer months.
Even though graduation is around the corner and my goal will be finding something in my field, I know positions are few and far between in the professional world, especially in an industry as saturated as mine. If I don’t have something to fall back on, something that will pay the bills in the interim, while I wait for possibly months to find something, what will I do?
I take out the napkin I’ve carried around every day since leaving The Brewery, the one Annette gave me, telling myself I wouldn’t use it. But every day, it gets a little harder to resist. While asking her for help gives me anxiety, it doesn’t push me into the blind panic, into the all-gripping fear that moving in with Cade does. The difference between a friend wanting to help me out of a rough spot and a boyfriend wanting forever. And I know Cade…he wouldn’t settle for less.
[Reluctant Hearts 01.0] Caged in Winter Page 18