“Even if it all turns out to be surface work? I feel like I’ve been lying to myself.”
“Jillian. Why do you feel that way?”
“I don’t know. Every time I’m around Mateo something new comes up. He’s going through such an emotional situation. At first I thought it was just rubbing off on me, but now I wonder if it’s his honesty. He doesn’t hide how he feels. He’s angry and he shows it.”
“So you think you might have some anger that you’re not showing?”
Jillian sighed and leaned back against her chair. “What could I have to be angry about? My life is good. It’s always been good.”
“Not always. The trauma of losing your parents is a very intense experience. You may have some lingering anger that you need to face—anger at life, anger at the person who hit them.”
Jillian lowered her eyes. “I know, I know, but I don’t feel that way—or at least I didn’t think that I felt that way. I’ve come to peace with all that a long time ago.”
“But you’re still angry?”
“I think so.” She pushed her salad back and forth on the plate. “It’s hard to say exactly what I’m feeling.”
“Maybe things are too jumbled up. You’re thinking that Mateo is bringing up these feelings, but maybe he’s not. Maybe you have these feelings, but you also have new feelings—for Mateo.” Hannah smiled, then took a bite of her burger.
“Ugh, no.” Jillian shook her head. “You’re wrong. The only feelings I have for Mateo are unhealthy ones brought about by his dramatic situation.”
“What makes you think they’re unhealthy?”
Jillian put down her fork. She no longer wanted to eat. “I don’t want to do this, Hannah. I don’t want to even contemplate things with Mateo.”
“Hm.”
“Hm?” She narrowed her eyes.
“Hm.” Hannah picked up her glass of water and took a drink.
“Hannah, you know how much I respect you, and I admire your advice, but this time, I think you’re pushing to make something true that isn’t.”
“I can see that you’re getting upset. Maybe we should talk about this another time.” Hannah met her eyes. “It might be too much, too fast.”
“I’m not upset.” Her tone was harsh to her own ears. Jillian’s eyes widened. “Oh, no. I am. I am upset about the whole Mateo situation. What does that mean?”
“It means that there’s more to him than you think.” Hannah arched an eyebrow. “You don’t have to agree with me. But you should think about it. If his anger stirs up some repressed anger in you, then yes—that may be something to focus on. But it’s not the only thing that he seems to be stirring in you, Jillian. If you want to be honest, you’re going to have to be honest about everything, not just one aspect of your emotions—or you really will be lying to yourself.”
“I don’t know. He’s so wrong for me.”
“So you seem to think. I’ll tell you what, if you really think he’s just a distraction, then refocus—spend some time in meditation, set up a few appointments with your clients. Immerse yourself in work. If you can escape him, then he probably is just a distraction. If not—well, you might reconsider your standards of who might be right or wrong for you.”
Jillian looked at her friend for a moment. She fought the urge to snap at her. She was well aware of the fact that if Hannah’s insightful words riled her up, then there was probably truth to them. But the very idea of thinking of Mateo as anything more than a little fun summoned a fierce frustration from deep within her—one that she didn’t recognize and couldn’t define.
“You’re right, Hannah. I need to give myself a break from all this confusion. Thanks for helping me to get my head around it all.”
“You’re welcome.” Hannah smiled. “Now do the same for Angela. It’ll give you perspective.”
Jillian nodded. “I will do just that.”
She sent a quick message to Angela.
Let’s make an appointment to talk today. I can do it any time you want. Just give me a time.
By the time lunch was done Angela had texted back.
I’m not sure I’m up for an appointment today. I don’t really want to talk on the phone or the computer.
Jillian frowned. She interpreted Angela’s message as a hint that she was really down. She thought about her options for a moment. So far their conversations had only been on the phone or on the computer. In person was not an option, since Angela lived several hours away. But Jillian felt the need to see her face. It was easy to lie over the phone or on the computer.
She fired back a message.
Why don’t we try out a video chat? I think we could both use it today. Can you make some time for it?
She tucked her phone back into her purse.
As she walked with Hannah out to the parking lot, she felt some relief. Hannah knew just about everything there was to know about Jillian, and it was one of the most comfortable friendships that Jillian had in her life.
“Jillian, one more thing.” Hannah turned to face her.
“What is it?”
“You mentioned to me before—about the accident—that there was some secrecy around it.”
“No, just some comments made by my uncle.”
“But enough to keep you off balance about it?”
“Maybe.”
Hannah looked into her eyes and spoke in a softer tone. “Maybe it’s time that you found out the whole truth—if you think it could be something that’s holding you back.”
“I thought I knew the whole truth.”
“Maybe you do.” She gave her a quick hug. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Thanks, Hannah. I hope I can be as supportive to Angela as you are to me.”
“You know that you will be. Don’t lose your confidence, Jillian. We all have moments of doubt or uncertainty, but you are still you.”
Jillian smiled as Hannah walked away. As usual, she was inspired.
Now, if only she could keep Mateo off of her mind, balance might be restored.
Chapter 26
Mateo was covered with sweat. From the minute his brother left, he’d thrown himself into the projects that needed to be done. He’d been focused on indoor repairs in an attempt to avoid Jillian. The last thing he needed was another conversation about feelings and healthy relationships. He rolled his eyes at the thought. No, what he needed was wood grain and the sound of power tools.
He rubbed his fingers along the smooth surface of the wood. Finally, it was in place. The more work he did on the house, the more he pushed thoughts of her out of his mind. His brother was right. He did need to stand up for himself—not just with Kate, but with Jillian too.
Maybe Jillian’s experience warned her against him, but she wasn’t even willing to take a chance. It seemed to him that he must not mean much to her if she refused to even try. That was why he’d sworn off women. That was why he threw himself into working on the house. It wouldn’t be long before his leave from work would be up and he’d be back to building other people’s homes.
He considered calling his lawyer, but he resisted the idea. It seemed wrong to drag Kate into a courtroom, to quantify what years of marriage had been worth.
He grabbed a screwdriver and headed for the back screen door. The handle needed to be replaced. It was a small job that he could easily accomplish. The more he settled into mindless work, the more his emotions crept up on him.
Antonio had been his sole support for most of his life. Though they’d had parents, they weren’t the parenting type. Antonio had taken on a fatherly role in some ways. There’d been no shortage of anger in the household where he’d grown up. But instead of flipping furniture, his father had been more the hands-on type.
As a young man, Mateo had never imagined himself married. It seemed like too much trouble, and certainly had no benefit. But when he met Kate—he closed his eyes as he remembered the moment—there’d been no question in his mind that he wanted to spend the rest of h
is life with her. Her confidence, her determination, and her knowledge of what she wanted made her even more appealing to him. He was sure, that as in love as they were, their marriage would last.
But it hadn’t been long after their quick romance had turned into wedded bliss that she’d become more and more unhappy with him. His pay wasn’t good enough, the things they owned weren’t nice enough. She’d even demanded that he avoid seeing his brother so that he could pay more attention to her.
At the time, Mateo had seen it as a sweet attempt to keep them close. Now he knew that she’d likely sensed the fact that Antonio hadn’t liked her.
Mateo and his brother had had one conversation about Kate after their marriage that had ended in a shouting match. Blinded by his love for Kate, Mateo never saw what his brother saw—not until now.
His chest ached with the violation of loyalty as he recalled his demand that his brother stay out of his life. Antonio had taken it all in stride, never leaving Mateo behind. He’d ignored Kate and insisted on being part of Mateo’s life.
With the handle attached, Mateo tested the door. It opened and closed just fine.
Through the back window he caught sight of Jillian’s meditation spot. Sunlight reflected off the water in the fountain and held his attention. For someone who claimed to be so in touch with her emotions, she seemed more confused than he was.
He couldn’t deny that the thought of her sent ripples of need throughout his body. She’d pushed him away, just like Mateo had pushed Antonio away. Maybe he needed to take a lesson from his brother and ignore the push.
It was possible that Jillian didn’t feel anything for him, but he doubted it. The kiss they’d shared had affected her too. He’d watched it happen. It was etched into his memory. The sensation of her body as it trembled against his was not something that she could erase.
Yet again, he’d submitted to what the woman in his life desired without even considering his own needs. She wanted a friendship, she wanted them to be there for one another and work through issues. He wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted from her, but he knew it was much more than friendship.
She seemed to think that she could dictate their relationship, but he didn’t have to give in to that. It would be quite easy for her to forget him if she never saw him again. What if he made her see him again? What if every time she stepped out of the house, he was there for her to see? He didn’t have to make it easy on her, just because she asked him to. He certainly did not have to be the nice guy.
If she looked into his eyes, if she remembered the way they’d touched, would she be able to resist him then?
The idea flickered through him like a flame that yearned to grow. He wasn’t going to be pushed aside and ignored again. He wasn’t going to let someone else tell him what he could or couldn’t do. If Jillian truly didn’t want him, then she would have to face him and tell him that. None of the psychobabble—just plain honesty. He didn’t have to hide any more. He was a free man, even if his heart thought otherwise. Kate was no longer his wife and Jillian wasn’t either. He could make his own decisions.
When he heard her car pull into the driveway, he knew what that decision was. If Jillian thought she could control what happened next, she was in for a big surprise—and a fight.
He smiled to himself as a rare burst of confidence flooded through him. Maybe she was right, maybe it was too messy. There was only one way to find out.
Chapter 27
Jillian parked in the driveway and held her breath as she walked to the front door. Not once did she look in the direction of Mateo’s house. She would remain focused on what needed to be done, rather than lose herself in the daydreams of what wasn’t meant to be.
She unlocked the door and stepped inside just as she received a text. She looked it over with a faint frown. It was a reply from Angela.
If you think it’s best. I’m not sure there’s much to talk about. Any time you want to connect is fine.
Jillian’s heart dropped. Yes, she certainly had been failing Angela. When she needed her, Jillian had been caught up with Mateo.
“Not any more.” She walked over to her computer and turned it on.
As she settled down in front of the computer she logged into the Forty and Free site. There was an option for video chat that allowed one-on-one conversation between users.
She connected with Angela and watched as the woman’s face appeared on the screen. Despite the fact that Angela’s features were strong, she looked tired to Jillian, as if she hadn’t been sleeping at all.
“Hi, Angela. Thanks for meeting with me.”
“Sure.” Angela smiled. “I appreciate you taking the time.”
“I wanted to talk with you about your goals.”
“Can we stop right there?” Angela rested her chin on her hand. “I agreed to meet with you because I wanted to tell you face-to-face that this isn’t your fault. I haven’t had my heart in this whole process. I can’t have my heart in it. Every time I think about going on another date, I get sick to my stomach. I’ve been thinking—maybe there are different types of people in the world. Maybe some people are here to find that one great love, while others just don’t need to.”
Jillian nodded and met her eyes. “I understand what you’re saying. Different people may have different priorities and different goals. But there are some other things to consider—to make sure that is the case.”
“Like what?”
“Close your eyes for a moment.”
“Why?” Angela frowned.
“Just do this exercise with me. I’ll close my eyes too. Then if you really think you need to take a breather from all this, we can focus on something else entirely, okay?”
“I guess. I just don’t want to waste your time.”
“I think I need this exercise as much as you do. Let’s give it a shot, okay?” She smiled into the webcam.
A smile sparked across Angela’s lips in return. “I’ll try.”
“It’s so easy to get stuck on all the ways that love can hurt. In fact, when we’ve been hurt by someone whom we thought we could trust, it’s the most difficult thing to see past. Everything about love becomes shadowed by this pain. As a result, we sometimes forget about all the ways that love can heal—all the ways that love can enhance life. You’re right about one thing—romantic love is not a need. It shouldn’t be entered into with a sense of desperation. But love can change the way you live your life—the way you experience your time here. So before we take that next step in deciding that romantic love is simply off the table, let’s take a step back and consider whether we truly want to miss out on all those possibilities.”
“I’m pretty sure.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I’m not here to prove you wrong, I promise you that. We’re on this journey together. Just close your eyes and take a deep relaxing breath. We’re going to take five in total. With each breath, I want you to let go of whatever heavy emotion rises to the surface. It may not be a permanent release, and that’s okay. Just for the moment—any grief, any hurt, any anxiety—we’re just going to let that float away. We’re going to make room for a clear mind and an open heart.”
She went through the deep breaths right along with Angela as she promised she would. Once they were complete, she spoke in a softer voice. “Imagine yourself walking along the beach. Your toes sink into the sand. The sun is warm on your shoulders. In the distance seagulls call. It is bliss. How do you feel?”
“Calm. Peaceful.”
“Good. I do too. Now imagine that you can feel fingers intertwined through your own—no face, no name, just a hand holding yours. The warmth of skin against skin, the subtle support of the pressure of his grasp. How do you feel now?”
“Relieved.” Angela’s voice shivered a little as she spoke.
Jillian smiled as she experienced the same sensation.
“Why do you think you feel that way?”
“Because he’s finally with me. Because I’m not walking alone.”
Angela followed suit.
“Out in the water, there’s a dolphin. It’s jumping high into the air, just as the sun begins to set. It’s beautiful. What do you do?”
“I turn to him—to tell him—to make sure he sees it too.”
In her mind, Jillian turned to look at the man who belonged to the hand she held as well. To her surprise she looked right into Mateo’s cinnamon eyes. Her heart skipped, her breath caught. An instant later she heard the heavy knock on the front door of the house she’d grown up in. She saw the flicker of the police car’s lights on the big front window. Her stomach twisted.
“Jillian, are you okay?”
She blinked and found herself in front of the computer again. She stared into Angela’s concerned eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I got distracted.”
“You’re crying.” Angela frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m not crying.” Only then did it register that tears did streak down her cheeks. “Oh, my. I’m so sorry, Angela.”
“Don’t be.” Angela smiled at her. “I got tears in my eyes too. This exercise was just what I needed. It showed me that I don’t want to walk down that beach alone. I want that hand in mine. I do want that person to share every beautiful experience with. If it weren’t for you, I’d have shut myself off completely. You’ve really changed my perspective these past months. It might not happen right away, but I do know that I want to fall in love again.”
“That’s wonderful, Angela.” Jillian grabbed a tissue and wiped at her eyes. “It’s important to be honest with ourselves. Of course, if romantic love is genuinely not something you’re interested in, that’s just fine. But if you’re just pushing that desire down, in ten or twenty years, you may regret it. I just want you to know exactly what you want so that we can set some new goals for you. The next time we talk, we’ll do just that, okay?”
“Yes. I’m looking forward to it. Thank you again, Jillian. Wow, I’m going to go think about this some more.”
“Me too.” Jillian smiled as she closed the chat window.
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 34