“If you stay, I promise not to play my music too loud.” She moved a little closer to him, so that their bodies nearly touched.
“Not ever?” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Because I’d hate to have to tell you to turn it down.”
“Ask me.”
“Ask you what?” He searched her eyes.
“You’d be asking me to turn it down, not telling me to.” She raised an eyebrow.
“You don’t like to be told what to do, that’s right.” His smile spread into a grin. “You like to be the one in control, hm?” He brushed the tip of his nose along the slope of her neck and took a deep breath of the scent of her hair.
“Maybe.” A shiver of anticipation crept up along her spine. It forced her even closer to him.
“Too bad.” He drew back from her.
Her eyes widened. Was he really just going to tease her?
“Because in a healthy relationship, Jillian, you can’t always be in control. Sometimes, you have to let someone else take charge.”
She studied him as confusion began to twist her thoughts. Was he teasing her? All her questions were answered when he swept her up in his arms. “Mateo, what are you doing?” She kicked her legs. “Put me down!”
“Are you sure?” He kissed the curve of her cheek. “That’s what you want me to do?” He kissed the side of her neck.
“Yes, this is silly. Please.” She gulped at the sensation of his lips on her neck. “Put me down.” Her protest grew weak. “Please?”
He kissed further down along the side of her neck. “Since you asked so nicely.” He pivoted and in one fluid but gentle motion he tossed her down into the pile of leaves.
She shrieked at the brief sense of weightlessness and then the tumble to the soft but scratchy leaves. When she parted her lips to chastise him, it was too late.
He stretched out on top of her and coaxed her lips into a kiss rather than a lecture.
Every instinct for control in her body reacted at the same time. She almost tossed him off, until the passion of the kiss stirred her desire.
All at once the beauty of the moment struck her. Mateo’s body curled against hers, leaves fluttering down on top of them, and only the lake as witness to their sensual tryst.
Her hands didn’t shove at his shoulders. Instead, they dove back through his hair and pulled his lips more securely against her own.
Chapter 31
It had started with a stray pine needle. It dangled from a strand of her hair, unbeknownst to Jillian. Something about it made her even more beautiful to Mateo. The entire time he raked, he couldn’t take his eyes off her.
When he saw his opportunity, he took it. He was well aware that he risked a slap in the face, but he didn’t care. He wanted to break her free and show her that she didn’t always have to be in control.
With her body beneath his, he soon realized that he was no longer in control either. In fact, neither of them was. The power of the kiss he shared with her directed their actions. When she pulled him closer, a soft moan escaped his lips. He couldn’t begin to focus on how he ended up there—in a pile of leaves with a woman who insisted she was only his friend—but he knew that he didn’t want to be anywhere else in that moment.
He shifted his weight to make sure that she was comfortable, but was drawn back by the eager buck of her lips. He didn’t want the kiss to end. When it did, there would be questions. When he had a moment to think about it, he’d likely feel as if he’d betrayed himself yet again. But as long as he was lost in the movement of her lips, he didn’t have to think.
Jillian tilted her head back to take a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He pounced on the opportunity to enjoy the slope of her neck. As he heard her subtle gasps he was driven even more. His hand slipped beneath the plaid fabric of her shirt and stroked across her stomach.
She stiffened beneath him. Her heavy breaths grew light and her hand clenched his beneath the hem of her shirt. “Mateo.”
“You don’t have to be in control.” He moved his lips back to her mouth.
She turned her head before he could kiss her again. “Yes, I do.”
He sat up on his knees and looked down at her. “Why?”
“One of us has to be.” She met his eyes. Her cheeks were bright red, her lips flushed and swollen from the intensity of their kiss.
He knew she’d enjoyed it as much as he had.
“Why?” He gritted his teeth. “Why can’t we just enjoy one another? Didn’t you say we’d see where it leads?”
“Not like this, Mateo.” She sat up in the leaves, which drew her body close to his and left him straddled across her thighs.
“What’s so wrong with it?” He stood up and offered her his hand to help her up. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to, Jillian. If this isn’t what you want, just tell me.”
“It’s what I want—more than anything.” She gripped his hand tight. “Just not like this.”
“In the leaves? We can go inside.” He started to tug her toward the house.
“No, Mateo.” She pulled her hand away from his. “I’m sorry. I’ve always been able to go with the flow in relationships, but this isn’t that. I…” She paused.
He could tell she wanted to say more.
“What is it? You can be truthful with me. Isn’t that what we talked about? We can trust each other?” He held her gaze.
“You’re still in love with her, Mateo. That hasn’t changed. A kiss is just a kiss. A little fun is just a little fun, but where this could lead is much more than that—at least it is for me.”
“Don’t say that.” His jaw clenched and he took a slow breath. “Don’t tell me that I love her. You don’t know how I feel.”
“It’s okay, Mateo. I’m not asking you for more. I’m asking you to not ask me for what you’re not ready for.”
“I am ready.” He slid an arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. “You’re the one that’s running.”
“No.” She looked into his eyes and he felt a tremble carry through her. “I’m not going anywhere. I want to be here for you. I can’t do that if we let things get too messy.”
“What if that’s not what I want? What if I want more?” He caught her elbows and steered her back to look at him. “Are you going to tell me we can’t try?”
“Not now.” Her eyes flicked away from his. “This isn’t the right time.”
“Why are you the one that gets to decide that? Shouldn’t I have some kind of say in all this?” He pulled her a little closer to him. “I want more, Jillian. I’m ready now.”
“No, you’re not.” She placed one hand against his chest. “Rebound relationships never work, Mateo, and let’s be honest, you haven’t let go of your marriage. There is nothing good that could come from this.”
“Is that so? Or maybe you’re too scared to let me in? I’m here, right now. I want to be with you.”
She tugged herself free of him. “You don’t know what you want, Mateo.”
“You don’t get to tell me that. You don’t get to decide for me.”
“Someone has to. I’m sorry. I thought we could be friends, but clearly it’s too difficult. I hope you understand that I’m doing what I think is best for both of us.” She turned away and picked up her rake again. “You need a friend right now, Mateo, not a lover.”
“Can’t we be both?” He frowned as she started to rake the leaves back into a pile.
“Not now we can’t. If it’s something you really want once you’ve moved on from your marriage, then we can talk about it. But right now you’ll only be hiding from the pain of your divorce, not connecting with me.”
“I don’t think that I’m the one that has trouble with connecting. I used to think it was my fault. My temper frightened you, my baggage worried you, but now I see things a little differently. There’s no way that you could feel what I felt when we kissed, and then walk away. So either you didn’t feel anything at all, or you’re just that scared
of your own emotions. Which do you think it is, Jillian?”
Chapter 32
Jillian licked her lips and thought of a million excuses, but none would be good enough. He stared too deeply into her to believe them.
“It has to be this way, Mateo—no matter what I feel. I value you too much to risk all that we’ve built on a shaky romance.”
“It’s not shaky. I’ve never been more certain.”
“Never?” She pursed her lips. “Not even when you proposed to Kate? Not even when you asked her to stay?”
“That’s not fair.” He lowered his eyes.
“You’re right, it’s not.” She rubbed the rise of his shoulder. “Because it’s too soon. The love, the hurt—it’s all too fresh for you to be able to move on.”
“It’s not fair because I didn’t know then that you even existed. If I had, I’d have searched the earth to find you.”
Jillian’s eyes moistened at his words. That kind of love was the kind of love she’d longed for all of her adult life—the kind of love that would keep her afloat even in her darkest moments.
“Then you should be able to wait—until it’s a better time.”
He sighed and stared down at the ground. When he looked back at her, his eyes were darkened by frustration. “I have a better idea.”
“What is it?”
“We’ll take it slow. We’ll take it any way you like.”
“What’s happening between us doesn’t give me hope that we’ll be able to take it slow.”
“I know it. I can control myself, Jillian. I want the opportunity to prove that.”
“How?”
“Come to dinner at my place. It’ll just be a friendly date. No expectations. I need to break in my kitchen.”
“You cook?” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.
“For you I will.” His cheeks flushed. “Like I said, no expectations.”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
“That’s not slow.”
“Please?” He held her gaze.
“Okay, one dinner.” The risk she took by being alone with Mateo was one that she might not be able to recover from—her feelings for him were that intense.
“Thank you. You won’t regret it.” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “See, slow.”
“Hm.” She tightened her lips to resist the urge to kiss him. “See you tonight.”
“Absolutely.”
As he walked away, Jillian returned her attention to the yard work. It didn’t matter what she did to take her focus off Mateo, her heart fluttered already when she thought about seeing him at dinner later that night.
As she struggled to overcome the revelation of how her parents had died, she found that her time with Mateo had been a great comfort. Still, she held back.
There was a barrier between them that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. Yes, he was still hurting from the divorce, but did that really mean that they couldn’t begin something together? Her heart swayed toward the hope that the spark she felt with him wouldn’t burn out as fast as she feared.
Accepting a date with him had been a big step. She decided she might need a little extra support before following through with it. Maybe Hannah could coax her past whatever instigated fear of love within her.
She stepped back into the house and found her phone on the kitchen counter. She dialed Hannah’s number and walked out into the living room. She settled into one of the chairs that faced the front window. Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to catch a glimpse of Mateo if he walked by.
Hannah answered quickly. “Jillian, hi. I haven’t heard from you in awhile. What’s going on?”
“Mateo is cooking me dinner tonight.”
“Wow, that’s some major progress.” Hannah responded in a cheerful tone. “What happened?”
“I’m not really sure. We’ve been meditating together every morning and he really helped me transition through facing the truth about my parents.”
“That sounds amazing. I’m so glad that you’re giving it a try with him. I think you might be surprised by how trustworthy he may be.”
“That’s just the thing. I do want to give it a try, I think. Even though it seems a little too fast, I’m willing to risk it. But I’m stuck on this sensation of fear that I feel every time I think of growing more intimate with him. I hoped maybe you could talk that out with me.”
“We’ve talked about how much you may have based your idea of perfect romance on the relationship that you perceived your parents to have when they were alive. Mateo is the first person you’ve sought out—I’m not sure if you realize that?”
“No? What do you mean sought?”
“I mean, all of your exes came to you. They approached you.”
“So did Mateo.”
“Did he?”
Jillian thought about it for a moment. She remembered the way she’d admired Mateo from a distance the first day he moved in. She recalled her determination to be friendly to him. She chalked it up to being a good neighbor at the time, but as she took a hard look, she recognized that her interest in Mateo had been there since that first moment. In fact, he was the one to initially turn her away.
“You’re right. I hadn’t really thought about that.”
“Then, when he responded to your interest, you pulled away. It was you who drew a line.”
“I did. When he started to pursue me, it scared me.”
“With the death of your parents, it might make sense that you associated love with loss. That’s why you felt safe with the other men in your life. You didn’t love them. It didn’t bother you when they walked away, because you never allowed yourself to get attached. I think the trauma you experienced burned an association into your heart—that if you ever truly loved a man, you might end up losing him in a similar tragedy, and perhaps your own life as well. I could be wrong.”
Jillian couldn’t even speak, as her mouth was wide open in shock. Everything Hannah said made sense to her. She’d never suffered heartbreak, because though she positioned herself with men that she was compatible with, she actually had little or no real desire for them. The raw and desperate way Mateo left her feeling at times was a more honest reaction to desire than any she’d ever experienced with past lovers.
“I think you’re absolutely right, which means that the amount of fear I feel around Mateo is just an indicator of how much I care about him.” A flood of relief washed over her. Now that she understood why she was so afraid, the fear didn’t seem so powerful any more. “Thank you, Hannah, thank you so much.”
“Now the question is, what are you going to do with this information?”
“I’m going to enjoy a dinner made by an amazing man, without overthinking it.”
“Good idea.” Hannah laughed as she hung up the phone.
Jillian was so excited that she decided not to wait until later. She’d head over and offer to help Mateo with dinner.
As she stood up, she noticed a car roll up the driveway. She watched as the car pulled to a stop in front of Mateo’s house. She recognized it from Kate’s last visit. The stunning woman stepped out of the car and walked up to the doorway of Mateo’s house. Her presence muted the excitement that Jillian was feeling.
Why was she there?
Chapter 33
Mateo turned the heat down on the pot of water, but not before some of it splashed over the side. He frowned and wondered if offering to make Jillian dinner was a big mistake. He wasn’t exactly talented in the kitchen. But he liked the idea of being alone with Jillian instead of sharing her with a restaurant full of people.
When there was a knock on the door, he grimaced. Was she there already? Would she be able to tell that he’d put the Italian bread into the oven without preheating it? He hurried to the door and threw it open without checking to see who it was.
Discovering Kate on the other side was a real shock. He almost slammed the door closed again.
She wedged her foot in the door before
he could start. “Hi, Mateo.” She smiled at him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.” Her eyes widened a little. “I missed you.”
“Whatever this is about needs to go through our lawyers. I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Please, Mateo, it’s cold out here. I’m not here to fight. I have something for you. Just let me in for a minute.”
He stared at her for a long moment. The last thing he wanted was for Jillian to walk up and find Kate there. It was better to find out what she wanted and get rid of her than to risk that.
“Fine, but only for a minute. I have a date.”
“A date?” She laughed as she stepped inside. “Oh? Are you cooking?” She sniffed the air.
“I am.” He crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “Why are you here, Kate?”
“I was lonely, Mateo.”
“I’m sure you can find a way to remedy that.” He kept his eyes on her. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t predict her next move. Was she going to attack him? Did she have some legal documents concealed under that long coat she was wearing?
“One way.” She stretched a long leg toward him and crossed the distance between them. “I came here to see you.”
“What? Why?” Mateo narrowed his eyes. His back was already against the wall. There was nowhere for him to go.
“Don’t play innocent. I know that you miss me.” She tugged at the belt on her coat. When it fell open, Mateo was startled to see the tiny nightgown she wore underneath. For an instant, he flashed back to their wedding night when she’d worn the most beautiful garment. She never wore it again after that first night.
“Get out, Kate.”
“Make me.” She put her hands on her hips and let the coat fall back from her shoulders.
He tried not to look, but it was impossible for his eyes to look away from the body he’d once adored.
“This is unbelievable.” His voice wavered. Not that long ago, all he wanted was for her to come back to him. Now that she seemed to be offering herself to him, he was aware that his feelings had changed dramatically.
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