He walked over and picked up the gun.
When he pulled it out of the holster, her heart lurched.
He kept it aimed at the floor as he walked over to her.
“I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do. You tell me to put it away, I’ll put it away.”
“This is how I’m going to get past it, right?”
“It’s a start.” He reached out and took her hand. When she felt the cool surface of the gun under her fingertips, her heart raced.
“Okay, I think that’s enough.”
“Maybe you should try holding it.” He curved her fingers along the handle of the gun.
She noticed he always guarded the trigger and supported the weight of the gun.
“It’s just metal. In the wrong hands, it can be dangerous, but in the right hands it can save lives. What you witnessed was unfortunate. It was the loss of life and it was traumatic, but it wasn’t the gun that caused it.”
“Wow, it’s heavier than I expected.” She frowned as she felt the weight of the gun. “It must be hard to control.”
“Years of practice. If you ever want to, I can take you to the gun range and teach you how to fire.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“In my experience, it’s the unknown that we fear the most. Once you understand the weapon—how it works and how it’s handled—maybe some of that fear will subside.”
“Maybe.” She smiled and pulled her hand away from the gun. “But, as of now, I don’t want to fire anything.”
“I understand. I’ll go put it in the other room.”
“No, you can leave it out. It’s okay.” She took a deep breath and nodded. “It’s really okay.”
To her surprise it was the truth. The gun in Ryan’s hand didn’t frighten her. Maybe it was because he held it. Did that mean she had begun to truly trust him? The thought inspired a smile.
She opened her heart on a whim once again, and it seemed to her that it was paying off. If she hadn’t been willing to try, Ryan would have passed her right by.
That thought was the only thing that frightened her in that moment.
Chapter 34
When Ryan reported for his shift the next day, his mind still raced with memories of the night before. Although dinner had been good, and the intimacy they’d shared was great, it was the moment when he’d seen that trust form in Angela’s eyes that meant the most to him.
She didn’t seem to be just tolerating his work. He could sense her making a good effort to embrace it. At least he hoped that her fear and bad memories were going to be something they could overcome.
Maybe it was the fact that he’d been distracted by thoughts of Angela, but that day, Ryan made a mistake he never believed he would make.
In the midst of stopping an armed robbery, the criminal took Ryan’s gun right out of his holster. As Ryan stared into the barrel of the gun, all the things he hadn’t experienced yet stared back at him. Every moment that would be taken from him paraded in front of his eyes. It was not the first time he’d had a gun pointed at him, but it was the first time that his heart broke for the woman he knew would grieve for his loss.
“Don’t, just don’t.” He raised his hands in the air. “You don’t want to do this.”
Behind him his partner shouted for the man to drop the weapon.
Ryan could hear his superior admonishing him for not having his weapon drawn. Over and over again he’d warned Ryan. They’d had spirited arguments about the purpose of a weapon during a crime, with Ryan pointing out to him again and again that if the weapon isn’t drawn, an accidental bullet can’t be fired—besides, he was usually fully prepared with his hand on his weapon should he feel the need to remove the gun.
Now he understood. If it had been in his hand, the criminal would not have taken it off him.
It was too late for regrets. He was faced with the last moments of his life. Instead of dwelling on his mistake, he focused on how he could escape. He couldn’t die without seeing her again, without making her his wife. He felt so strongly that he and Angela were meant to spend their lives together.
He shifted toward the robber with one hand raised.
“Just put down the gun. All this can be over.”
He heard the release of the safety. His heart slammed against his chest. How would she take it? Would she give up on love again? Did he want her to? Even if he was dead, he didn’t want her to be with anyone else. He wanted to be her happily ever after. Instead, he was about to die on a convenience store floor strewn with chips and splattered soda.
“Don’t, Ryan. Stay where you are. Don’t move. SWAT is on its way.”
“SWAT?” The robber shoved the gun further into Ryan’s face. “No one’s getting out of here alive.”
In that instant Ryan recalled Angela’s words. She’d thanked him for being brave enough for the both of them. He had to be brave enough for the both of them again.
Slow even breaths calmed his heart. His muscles flexed casually one by one until his body was rigid and primed to leap. All of this was done without the man with the gun ever noticing. Ryan had learned to be subtle in his attack.
He waited for the moment. He knew it would come. The robber had heard that SWAT was on its way, so he’d likely be looking out the window at some point. It would be impossible for him to resist.
The moment came and Ryan sprang into action. He launched himself forward and tackled the man to the floor. As he struggled with him to get him pinned there, he sought his weapon. He felt the cool hard surface of the barrel and seized it. The criminal fought him for it despite the fact that Ryan’s partner was over them with his weapon drawn.
In the middle of shouts, chaos, and breaking glass, Ryan heard the gunshot ring out. He smelled the scent of blood as it filled the air, just before his entire mind went blank.
Chapter 35
Angela flipped on the television and sat down with a cup of coffee. It was Monday and she wouldn’t open the shop until noon. It usually relaxed her to enjoy her lazy morning, but her mind drifted right to Ryan.
It was his strength that she’d leaned on to start pushing past the issues of her past. She recalled the amazing dinner they’d shared and the plans they’d made for a future date. As her mind drifted off into what their relationship might become, she stared at the TV screen as a commercial played.
When the news program started, a breaking news alert flashed across the screen. The news reporter described a harrowing hostage situation that was unfolding in one of the local convenience stores. After a bit of drama, the reporter added that one of the hostages was a police officer.
Angela’s stomach twisted. She jumped up from the couch. It couldn’t be Ryan. Could it? Sure he was on duty, but that didn’t mean that he was inside that shop. It didn’t mean that he was being held at gunpoint by some criminal. It couldn’t mean that.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she started to panic. She grabbed her phone and called him. When it went to voicemail she texted him. Over and over again, she sent messages, pleading with him to let her know that he was safe. The longer she waited, the more panicked she became. She remained glued to the television screen.
Finally, the reporter revealed that the hostage situation had come to an end, with one person dead. Her heart squeezed so tight that she grew dizzy. Was it Ryan? Wouldn’t she know somehow? Wouldn’t she sense it if the only man she’d ever truly loved was gone?
She collapsed on the couch with relief when the reporter confirmed that it was the armed robber that had died and not one of the hostages. She gripped her phone tight in one hand and wiped her tears with her other hand.
Some time later, when there was a knock on the door, she jumped.
“Ryan?” She raced to the door and threw it open.
Ryan, in full uniform, stood on the other side. For an instant her mind was seized with memories of the past, but she forced them aside.
“Angie, I—” His voice broke as he looked into
her eyes.
“It’s okay. You’re okay, you’re safe.” She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close against her. “I’m so glad to see you. There was this horrible story on the news, and I thought it might be you. I probably sound so crazy right now but I don’t care. I’m just so glad you’re here.”
“I’m okay.” He kissed her cheek and embraced her.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?” She pulled away enough to look into his eyes. “I called.”
“I know.” He sighed. His lashes drooped. “I was in the middle of a rough situation.”
“What happened?” She stroked his cheek.
“It’s probably best if we don’t talk about it. I’m off duty now, that’s all that matters.”
“The story on the news—were you there?”
“It’s better not to talk about it.” He walked past her into the apartment. “I just want to relax a little.”
“Do you want something to drink?”
“I just want to sit with you.” He sat down on the couch and patted the cushion beside him.
She sat down and slipped her hand into his.
“I’m sorry. Whatever happened, I’m sorry you went through it. I wish you felt more comfortable telling me what happened.”
“No. Home is home.” He gave her hand a light squeeze. “All of that can stay at work.”
“Can it?” She brushed her hand back through his hair. “It doesn’t look like you left it there.”
“I just can’t shake it.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Ryan, I’m here for you. Whatever you want to tell me—”
“No.” He shook his head and stood up from the couch. “You’re really not. You wouldn’t want to hear about this. I don’t want to cause you to carry this weight with me.”
“Don’t do this to me.”
“What?” He turned to face her. “What am I doing to you?”
“I’m not her.” She stood up as well and cupped his cheeks against the warmth of her palms. “I’m not going to run away from anything you have to say.”
“You’re not her, but you also don’t respect my job..”
“I respect you.” She looked into his eyes. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things from me. How will you ever trust me if you think you have to hide things from me?”
“I don’t want you to look at me and see the past.”
“If you are struggling with something, I want you to be able to come to me. I can support you, if you give me a chance.”
“I made a mistake today, Angela.” His voice thickened with emotion. “I didn’t draw my gun, and I almost died because if it. Now someone else is dead, because I did pull the trigger.”
She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t form the words.
“See?” He shook his head and turned away from her again. “It’s nothing that you want to hear about, and honestly I can’t take the judgment in your eyes when I talk about it.”
“I’m not judging you, Ryan. I know that if you had to use lethal force there must have been some good reason. It’s just the thought of you in that situation.” She clasped a hand over her mouth. “I mean, to think that I could have lost you.”
“I know, I know.” He leaned his head close to hers. “I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish I’d done a thousand things different.”
“No.” She cupped his cheeks and looked into his eyes. “You are here, and that is the only thing that matters. You did everything right. I trust you. I know that you made the best possible choices that you could, and because of that, you’re here with me now.”
Chapter 36
Ryan stared into her eyes and swallowed hard. A part of him still didn’t believe her. He wanted to, but what hung over his head was too great a risk. He ached to tell Angela every detail—to seek comfort in her arms—but what if it led to her hating him?
“I should go. I’m sorry, this isn’t right.” He started to turn away.
She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and kissed along his shoulders.
He closed his eyes. She could kiss his uniform and embrace him, despite how she felt about the uniform he wore. Maybe she could handle more than he thought. He turned in her embrace to face her. There it was, a flicker of fear in her eyes, but it faded fast.
“Please tell me, Ryan. I’m ready to hear it. I promise.”
“He had a gun to my head.” He held her gaze.
“No. Oh, no.” She gasped and held him tighter. “I hoped it wasn’t you.”
“It was. It was my mistake.” His breath caught in his throat and silenced him for a moment. “He took my gun right off me. He could have shot everyone in that store all because I hesitated to use my weapon.”
“But he didn’t.”
“No, he didn’t. Because I took him down and got my gun back. But we fought over it. He almost got it away from me again. The gun went off.” He closed his eyes and his cheeks burned hot. “I didn’t even think.”
“You couldn’t. If you had hesitated, you’d be dead, Ryan.” She curved her hand along the side of his face and steered his gaze to hers. “You did the right thing. You were a hero. You saved everyone that was there.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?” He searched her eyes for any trace of repulsion.
“I do. Not for a second do I doubt you. You made the right choice. You had no other options.”
“Does that make it better?”
“You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You did what you had to do, and because of that, you’re safe and a dangerous man is no longer a threat.”
Tears built up in his eyes but he forced them back. “Thank you, Angela. I needed to hear that from you.”
She held him for a long moment, then pulled away. “We can’t keep this up, Ryan. You have to be able to tell me about your day. I need to know that you’re safe.”
“But I thought it would make you uncomfortable.” He saw the way her eyes went over his uniform and to the gun on his hip. Out of respect, he should have changed, but he couldn’t wait to see her. He’d needed her.
“I think I’m ready to move forward, Ryan. I don’t want this entire part of your life to be something you hide from me. I told you I’d try and I meant it. I want to be there for you whenever and however you need me to be.”
“You think you can handle it?” He took a step back from her. When he was in full view, he noticed that she dropped her gaze. “Look at me, Angela.”
She glanced up and then away again. “I’m trying.”
He frowned and began to unbutton his shirt. “I’ll take it off.”
“No.” She placed a hand over his and pressed it against his chest. “Don’t.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid.”
“I’m not afraid of you.” She looked into his eyes. “How can I be afraid of some uniform?”
“Ignoring the problem doesn’t fix it. Just because I’m here, in uniform, doesn’t mean that you can look at me.”
“I know.” She tightened her lips and forced her eyes toward him. He stood still as her gaze wandered along his uniform. Tension filled her frame when her focus settled on the gun he wore.
“It’s too much. Isn’t it?”
“No. If you can be brave enough to protect an entire community, if you can be brave enough to put your life on the line for people you don’t even know, then I will find a way to overcome this—this silly phobia I have. It may take a little patience from you, but I will try. I promise.”
“I know you will.” He smiled and pulled her close again. “You’ve already done so much, and there’s nothing about your feelings that are silly.”
“I just wish I could snap my fingers and the memory would be gone.”
“It doesn’t work that way.” He sighed and closed his eyes as he embraced her. “I wish I could do the same for what happened to me today, but I know it will be a long time before I don’t think of
it again.” He paused and lowered his voice. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for this. My partner, other officers, even the chief, they all congratulated me today—as if I’d done something wonderful.” His voice wavered and he buried his lips in the curve of her neck.
“You are wonderful, Ryan.” She stroked her fingers down through the hair at the nape of his neck. “You had to do a horrible thing to save innocent lives. You were brave enough to do it.”
“You really believe that?”
“I really do.”
He straightened up and looked into her eyes. “When I thought I wouldn’t have another moment to be alive, all I thought of was you. I will do anything for you, Angela, anything.”
“I feel the same way, Ryan. That’s why I’m going to try harder than I ever have to let the past go. I want to be here for you, for everything that you experience.”
Chapter 37
Over the next few weeks Angela found herself enveloped in a sense of joy that touched every aspect of her life. She and Ryan talked late into the night, texted when he had downtime at work, and ate dinner together almost every night.
When Ryan was looking at a potential house to buy, he brought Angela with him to see it. He’d mentioned things about the house to her that he thought she would enjoy. Though he hadn’t come right out and said it, it was clear that he wanted her to move in with him sooner rather than later.
Things seemed to be moving fast between them, but she was okay with that. As her age, she knew what she did and didn’t want. Why hesitate, when there was no question in her mind how much she loved him?
When he called early one morning Angela picked up the phone with a cheerful greeting.
“Are you available tonight?”
“For you, always.”
“It’s just a dinner with friends.”
“Sounds great. I’ll be there.”
“Let me pick you up.”
“Okay. Is it just a casual restaurant or what?”
“No, it’s dressy. It’s a special celebration.”
“Okay, I’m sure I can find something to wear. What time?”
“Six?”
“I’ll be ready.”
She hung up the phone and turned to her closet. She wondered what the celebration was for, but since Ryan hadn’t volunteered the information she assumed she’d find out at the restaurant. She picked out a floor-length dress and tried it on. It was a bit snug but not as tight as she’d expected. She put it back on the hanger and headed out to the shop to prepare for the day.
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 48