The thought sent a little judder through me. It had been so, so different to being with Will and his brother. That had been good, shared sex, but with Ollie and Will it had been more like a slow torture of my senses, winding me up until it was a kind of bliss you never wanted to end. My body got hot at the thought and it was a good job I was stuck down a lonely lane. Not that I was doing anything, I didn’t need to, just thinking about it was enough. I tried not to squirm and get my thoughts back on safe ground.
Will it seemed wasn’t enough for the grown up me, which was maybe why I hadn’t minded sharing him, and he hadn’t minded sharing me. Maybe we’d both known from the start that the two of us weren’t meant to get serious, maybe from that very first moment on the hillside I’d known that he was just a diversion, harmless fun to hide behind. No, Will wasn’t enough, but Ollie was too much. Ollie who could make me beg before he’d even laid a finger on me.
The screech of brakes almost made me jump out of the car but it didn’t, it did snap me out of my rude thoughts though. And when I glanced out of the window, straight into the eyes of a very irritated male, I didn’t know whether I felt embarrassed at my fluster or just plain flustered. Shit.
“Dane.” He didn’t look happy. “What the hell are you doing here?” Which made him look even less happy.
“What the hell are you doing here is more to the point.”
“The. Car. Has. Broken. Down.” Spelling out the obvious could be a mistake with an angry male, but what was I supposed to do?
“I didn’t mean in the car.” He yanked the door open and for a moment I thought he was going to drag me out, but he didn’t. He turned the ignition key.
“I told you, it’s broken.”
“Just checking.” His tone was dry. Why do some people, sorry some men, just never believe what they’re told?
“It might have started again now, seeing as it’s stood for a bit.” Mollifying wasn’t going to work and I think I must have glared because he raised an eyebrow to pass on the message that this could be as nice as he got.
“What are you doing here Dane?”
“Rescuing you? Holl sent me, she seemed to think I’d have more chance of fixing it than she would.”
“Oh, really?”
He raised an eyebrow and grinned. Denting Dane’s manhood needed more than the odd snarky comment. I nearly said I didn’t need rescuing, but that wouldn’t be true, I just wasn’t sure I wanted rescuing by him. “But you were in Cheshire.”
“No, I was in Bristol with Holl and her Mum.”
That was worthy of a double take, things must be getting serious if she was taking him home to meet mum. “Oh. But she came to see me—”
“And left me at her mum’s, for some reason she didn’t think she could trust me to talk to you.”
“Really?” Sarcasm, my father always told me, was the lowest form of wit. But, hey ho, sometimes it seems the only appropriate thing.
“Hard to believe isn’t it?” He’d softened a bit at the edges. I decided it was safe to get out of the car, and stood next to him. I’d missed him, solid dependable but prickly Dane, and I would have killed for a hug that said he’d missed me too, but he seemed to have something he wanted to spit out.
“Why are you here, Soph?”
“You already know that.”
He took my hand in his and pulled me over to the verge, and I didn’t really have much choice but to sit down on the still slightly damp grass with him. But he draped his arm round my shoulders so I knew it was going to be alright.
“Talk.”
“You don’t like talking.” I looked sideways at him and he grinned, nearly the full wattage Dane grin, nearly.
“No, but you do.” I laughed, I couldn’t stop it breaking out and it was partly nerves, partly disappointment and partly relief.
Dane knew lots of things about me, he knew what I’d told him, he knew what he’d seen, he’d shared with Ollie and I was sure that Holly would have told him word for word what we’d spoken about. So he didn’t want the full story, he wanted the why. Which was the tricky bit.
“I didn’t abandon Mum you know.”
“I know.” His voice was soft and low, low enough to make me feel warm and protected inside. Ollie without the bit that scared me. I would have liked to have buried my head in his chest, but I didn’t.
“How come you already know if I only just worked it out?”
“Clever, I am.” I could hear the grin in his voice, I didn’t have to look. “You’re not the type of girl to abandon anyone, you never have been.” Which wasn’t exactly what he’d said in the past, but I probably shouldn’t split hairs. “The type to run away from herself maybe, but not to abandon someone.”
Ah, there it was, the rub.
“Do you love Holly?” I felt him stiffen, maybe because I’d caught him unawares, or maybe because talking slush wasn’t his thing, but we’d always been honest with each other, answered the questions that mattered.
“I think so. I thought I loved Sal, but this is different. I’d never let her down and hurt her, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“No, it isn’t that. Why is it different?”
There was a long pause, but that was Dane, he was thinking. So, for once, I let him and didn’t interrupt him. I wanted to hear his answer, not mine.
“Maybe because I’m a bit older, more mature, different expectations I guess. Why?”
“It’s different with Ollie too.” I was half talking to myself, but it was so quiet I knew he could hear and the warmth of his body against mine felt safe. “I was mad about him when we were kids.” I laughed, I had been. I’d never thought about it before, when it had all gone wrong it set a different perspective on things. But I had been mad about him, he’d been wicked and bad with a sexy, naughty daredevil streak that made my heart race. He’d scared me and excited me and I’d have followed him wherever he’d led. I hadn’t wanted safe and secure, and Ollie hadn’t been. But he had been kind and considerate too, I’d never felt like he’d push me too far or that he’d abandon me. I’d felt like it was never going to end.
“I was mad about him, but I loved him, it was a kind of uncomplicated, mad passionate, no holds barred thing I think, because I didn’t know any better.” I picked at the grass. “I came down here with him because I loved him, not just because it was hard at home.”
“And?”
“And now it’s different. It hurts. When I saw him again it scared me, it wasn’t easy anymore because I’d made it have this importance attached to it.”
“Different expectations?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. He let me down and I’m scared of him doing it again. So it has to be totally real now or I can’t do it, I wanted to know he loves me and he doesn’t. Not enough anyway.”
“Maybe he has different expectations too?”
“Like?”
“You don’t need me to tell you that.”
I wasn’t sure what Ollie expected, but it wasn’t what he’d seen when he was with me.
“Mum and Dad used to love each other. I couldn’t remember what it used to be like, but then when I was with Ollie I got this weird feeling, I could kind of see Dad laughing and messing about. I remember.” I frowned and screwed my eyes up, trying to see something that wasn’t quite there. “I remember watching him look at Mum just like Ollie was looking at me.” It had been strange, but I could remember, and I wanted to keep remembering.
“And then it went wrong?”
“Yeah, but she still kept looking back at him in the same way she always had.” However angry he’d got, however hard he’d hit her the night before, however hurt she’d been, she still looked at him like she loved him. And I’d only just grown up enough to see it.
I stood up awkwardly and wiped my bum down. The damp had leached through my jeans and my thighs felt stiff and cold. I pulled myself upright, stretched the kinks out of my spine and smiled at Dane.
He looked steadily back. “Done enough of
the talking stuff then?”
“Yeah, get the car fixed, alpha male.”
“Or?” He gave a quirky smile.
“Or I’ll tell Holl you’re totally hopeless.”
“Open the boot then.”
I looked at him blankly and wondered which one of us was losing it.
“Battery.” He gave me a pointed ‘are you stupid?’ type of look. “The battery is in the boot.”
So I opened the boot and ignored the look on his face when he saw how crammed it was. “How long were you there for?”
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you.” I started to unpack carefully onto the side of the road and hoped fervently that it would all fit back in again later, or else Dane would have some extra luggage in his car. After a bit of a harrumph he joined in; to get to the battery meant emptying everything out which seemed a design flaw to me, so I said so.
“Or it could be the amount of stuff you’ve got that’s the flaw.”
Oh, I did miss him, I really missed him. I grinned and we lifted up the boot lining and finally uncovered the battery. Dane twiddled a bit, and kept his head down, which was for a reason that didn’t involve the battery.
“Did you tell Ollie you were leaving, going home?”
I gave a little shrug of my shoulders, just as he straightened up and looked at me, and he sighed. If he’d glared it would have been easier, anger I could deal with. But this made it worse, because a little knot formed in my stomach. “So you’ve run away again?”
“I was going to, well I, well he’d gone anyway. Said he was working away for a few days.” It sounded a bit lame, even to my ears.
“But he expected you’d still be there when he got back?”
“Dunno, maybe. But he said he couldn’t do it. He’s left me anyway.”
“Couldn’t do what?”
“Us, I suppose. He couldn’t last time and he can’t now.” The little lump in my throat grew into something a bit more substantial and I ached for what I was never going to have.
“Oh, Sophie.” His voice was low and this time he did hug me, maybe because he didn’t want to see me cry. Messy. “You are such a stupid twat sometimes. How could he follow you when he was in a coma?”
Chapter Ten
“He wasn’t. Okay, he was hurt and they kept him in for a few days, but—”
“I don’t know exactly what he told you.” His tone was measured, careful. “But he was out for a few days.”
“Out?”
“Out cold.”
“That’s crap.” A coldness that was worse than any damp air seemed to be creeping into my body and spreading to every corner. “You’re talking rubbish.” I pulled away. “He needed stitches.” I paused, remembering the wave of nausea that had hit me when he’d told me, when I could imagine him falling down that rock face, stones hitting his face, cutting into his skin, another man falling against him. I closed my eyes. Two bodies hurtling faster as the rope snagged, gave way, tumbling, bouncing, screaming until they hit the bottom and everything stopped, until all that you could hear was the last scatter of stones and the wash of the waves breaking against the men. Until the water around them was stained with a soft blush of fresh blood and they lay awkward, broken.
I swallowed, hard. He’d made light of it, but I’d known it must have been bad. There was no need for Dane to try and make it sound worse. “He broke a couple of ribs and dislocated his shoulder.” I tried to block out the picture. “And he had a bit of concussion, he told me everything.” So, why was my throat dry, tightened? Why was there a pounding in my ears that matched my heart?
“You know I’m not talking rubbish.” He still had that same steady tone. “He didn’t tell you quite everything Sophie, and you know it.”
I did, I knew that there was more, but I hadn’t asked. And he hadn’t wanted to tell. And it was a loose end that we’d let dangle, maybe because we were both afraid to pick it up.
“But you’re saying he did tell you everything?” It was wrong, I should have known, we were supposed to be together, supposed to care. And whose fault was it that I didn’t? We had both been kids back then, first time round, but somewhere along the line, buried in all the shit of growing up we’d stopped sharing, stopped trusting. Stopped wanting to. I always thought that what you said was the important bit, but maybe it’s the things that you don’t say that end up mattering the most.
Dane swiveled round so that he was resting his butt on the lip of the car boot, and pulled me down with him until I was on his knee and his chin was resting on his head.
“Not right out, but I got the whole story eventually. You sure you want to hear this?” I nodded and bit the inside of my mouth to stop the tremble in my lips. “When he didn’t follow you home it seemed a bit strange, I mean he acted like a bit of a waster back then sometimes, but when you both buggered off to Cornwall I’d thought maybe you meant something to him. It pissed me off at first, the way you both swanned off and didn’t give a shit about me.”
“You had Sal.”
“I know, but it wasn’t the same.” He shifted a bit. “Anyhow, when he didn’t come back I was really pissed off with him, I was going to tell you he was a shit, but I wanted to tell him first. Thing was I didn’t know how to get hold of him so I went to hassle his parents and—” he paused for what seemed an age “—they weren’t there. A neighbour told me that there’d been an accident, Ollie, and they’d just packed up and rushed down to see him, so I followed them down thinking he’d probably fallen off his bike and cracked his stupid skull open or something like that and I still wanted to give him a good shaking. Guess I was cross. Anyhow he wasn’t up to having a shaking, he was laid out like some corpse, but hooked up to machines and it scared the shit out of me.” He twisted my hair round his finger absentmindedly, hardly seeming aware I was still there. With what seemed an effort he snapped back to the present. “By the time you were okay and the funeral was over he was out of the coma but still heavily sedated, he begged me not to say a word. At first he had trouble walking, but I think that was down to heavy bruising, and he couldn’t remember what had happened or what day it was, but they said it would come back in time. But, he remembered you. He couldn’t remember why you’d gone, he just knew you had and that he was supposed to be doing something, following you over. He begged me though Sophie, made me swear that I’d keep quiet because he didn’t want you to know until he was sorted.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t really know, the guy he was on the face with said it was all so fast. I just know he saved that guy’s life and it nearly killed him. The rope came loose or something and he crashed into Ollie, and when they landed in the water it was with him underneath. They said he was lucky, the rock that split the side of his face open could have split the back of his skull instead. The stuff he told you about, his shoulder and ribs were nothing. When he came to his memory was screwed and he kept having these panic attacks.” He looked me straight in the eye. “He didn’t want to land you with any more shit, Sophie, and he didn’t want you to have some cripple on your hands. It took him a while to get back on his feet, and a hell of a lot longer to sort the rest of himself out.” He held my chin and his gaze flickered over my face, then those stormy eyes locked with mine. “You’re the one who’s running, not him. If he just told you he can’t do it then it’s nothing to do with him being scared of commitment, if you nearly die you see things differently. I’d guess he thinks it’s you that isn’t serious. So, what the hell did you do to give him that impression, eh?” He shifted me off his knee and looked down at the car battery again, which I guess meant it was a rhetorical question. “Go and try the ignition.”
I went and tried the ignition, because I didn’t know what else to do. The car sparked into life and when I turned Dane was stood by my side.
“How did you do that?”
“Magic.” The corner of his mouth tipped. “Well, you had a new battery didn’t you before you set off on your expedition down here?” I nodde
d. “Just figured that maybe it hadn’t been tightened up and these crappy lanes had shaken the contacts loose.”
“Oh.”
“Start simple, I always say.”
“Are you saying I overcomplicate things?”
“Maybe, well, over think.” He shrugged, his hand on the car door. “You want my opinion?”
I was going to regret this, I was really going to regret this. “Sure.”
“You’re doing what you’ve been doing the past few years, you aren’t sorting anything out, just doing the same thing over and over again and not facing up to things.” It was rubbish, I was facing up to things and I was getting somewhere. “You’re using this Will guy.” Holly had told him everything, she must have done.
“No I’m not.”
“Well if you’re not using him, then you’re damn well using Ollie. Grow up and do the right thing Sophie, do what you should. Take a risk, Ollie has.”
I was growing up, but it was just the risk thing that bothered me.
“I’ve already finished things with Will.”
He just nodded. “Go back to basics girl.” He leaned forward then and kissed the top of my head. “See you back in Bristol, babe.” He took a step back and winked. “Don’t forget to cram all your crap back in the boot, can’t litter up the countryside.”
I threw a punch in his direction and missed. “Hey, what about the spluttering, it spluttered.”
He shrugged. “Coincidence? Come on get your arse into gear it’s getting late.”
“Dane, what do you mean he took a risk?”
“He met up with you, didn’t he?”
I’d never been called a risk before. He was back in his four by four before I could answer. Not that he was looking for an answer. I watched him drive off and gave a half-hearted wave, then started to shove my stuff back in the car. Babe, huh. That was the second time I’d been called babe, and I was a mile off one, it must be the air down here or something.
Good Enough to Trust (Good Enough, Book 2 - Going Back) Page 9