by Sarah Bailey
You care about him. You have feelings. You never tried to tear him out of your heart.
Why did those things make me feel so fucking shit? Why did they break me on a level I wasn’t prepared for? Why did he have the ability to wreck me with his mere presence?
Every part of me wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. To ruin him the way he ruined me. I wanted him to admit he loved me, then I could tear his black heart out and watch him bleed all over the floor. But there was a small part of me that wanted to hear those things to prove I wasn’t mistaken about him having real feelings for me. When I thought he reciprocated my love.
I wanted to hear the words ‘I’ve always loved you, little masochist’ fall out of his mouth.
How fucked up are you for wanting that?
Pretty fucked up. I was under no illusions about what Logan did to me. What he made me crave. No one else had ever come close to giving me the high he did. I hated him for it. Hated myself for it. Hated everything.
Was Duke right? Would going down this path of making him pay for what he did make up for it? Or would it leave me feeling worse than ever? Especially since he said he’d take it. Whatever I threw at him, he wouldn’t fight me on it. In a lot of ways, it made the prospect of revenge less attractive. It made it seem completely futile.
“If I told you to leave me alone, would you?” I asked.
He looked up at me from his plate, a frown appearing on his beautiful features. We’d been sitting in silence for at least five minutes whilst we ate.
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“Whether it’s what you really want or if you’re saying it just to punish me. I don’t think you want me to leave you alone though.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. Why did he have to be right? How did he still see through me?
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, it is. If you wanted me out of your life, you wouldn’t have danced with me nor agreed to dinner. You want to hurt me, Rora. You think it’s going to be more painful for me to see you knowing you won’t let me come closer.”
I set my fork down on my plate. It’s exactly what I thought I wanted, but now, seeing him again, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted at all.
“Well… is it?”
“I already told you, the worst thing you could do is deny me your presence entirely.”
“But why? Why give me that information?”
His smile was sad. It fucking cut me to see the misery in his expression.
“If you do your worst, then I’ll know how much you truly want to hurt me.”
His words rendered me unable to formulate a response. I looked away, incapable of handling the look in his eyes. Those ice-blue eyes had always drowned me. They were doing it again. I couldn’t allow myself to fall under his fucked up spell. And yet it was happening anyway. My feet were dragging along behind me as he took my hand and pulled me headfirst back into the maze where heartache and destruction lay. Where all this bullshit between us had started.
“Do you hate me?”
My fist clenched under the table at his question. I couldn’t lie to him even if he’d fucking well done it to me.
“It would make this a damn sight fucking easier if I did,” I muttered.
I could tell myself I hated him all I wanted, but it would be lies. All fucking lies. Wasn’t I done with those? Hadn’t I wanted them to stop? I’d told him not to lie to me three years ago. I knew he had when he’d ended it. There was a reason for it. One he hadn’t told me. I didn’t believe it was about revenge or wanting to get back at me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t reconcile his actions with his words.
“Rora...”
“No. I don’t want to talk about this any further.”
I went back to my food, despising myself for the brokenness of my tone. For showing him how much he affected me.
Logan didn’t push me. When I glanced up at him, the man had gone back to his own food, but not without staring at me with understanding. Fuck did I want to tell him to quit it. To stop knowing me the way he did. To stop wanting me.
I couldn’t. My traitorous heart had overridden my common sense and self-control. It wanted Logan to love me so fucking badly, it burnt a hole in my chest. It needed to hear him call me by the nickname he’d given me. The one which melted me every single time.
You’re a fool.
I was the fool coming to the conclusion I didn’t want to deny him my presence. If I was going to torture him, I wanted to see it happen. I wanted to witness it. Maybe it made me sick or fucking well perverse, but when someone breaks your heart, the rational side of you doesn’t win out. The broken side did. The one which made you do stupid shit because you’re hurting. Made you lash out at the world.
The rest of dinner was spent in silence, neither one of us daring to speak to the other. Logan paid and walked me back to his car. I stared out of the window the whole way home, hating the tension in the atmosphere. Hating how I felt as though I would disintegrate the moment he dropped me off and left me alone without him.
Why did I want him after all this time? How could I after what he’d done to me?
Matters of the heart aren’t rational, Rora. They’re fucked up.
I expected Logan to let me out and leave, but he got out with me when we stopped outside my house. For some stupid reason, I allowed him to walk me to the door. We stood a foot apart, staring at each other for a minute.
“Can I see you again?”
His voice was quiet in the still night air. It sent a shiver down my spine.
When I didn’t respond, he leant closer, his hand coming up to fiddle with the wisps of hair framing my face. His breath dusted along my cheek, making my body tense up.
“Please, Rora. I know I fucked up. Let me make it up to you.”
“Don’t call me that,” I whispered.
“What do you want me to call you?”
I swallowed.
Don’t ask him for it. Do not do it.
“I don’t know.”
He tucked my hair behind my ear and stroked his fingers down my cheek. The simple touch heated my skin. I tried not to react. Tried not to let him see how much I wanted him to touch me more. To hold me. To tell me he loved me.
“Then I’ll call you Aurora until you tell me otherwise.”
“Logan…”
“It’s okay. I know you’re conflicted. If you don’t want me to come back, I won’t. Hurting you again is the very last thing I want.”
My heart clenched hard in my chest. The rapid pulse of it made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Why did the thought of him leaving for good only bring me more pain?
“Stop saying all the right things,” I choked out, “Stop making this hard for me.”
He searched my eyes for a long moment.
“Okay. I’ll go then. If it’s what you need, I’ll go.”
Logan dropped his hand from my face and made to walk away. He only managed two steps when my hand shot out and curled around his wrist, stopping his progress.
“Are you truly sorry for hurting me?”
He turned his head, staring at me with those fucking damn eyes of his.
“Yes. I’ve done a lot of fucked up things in my life, but hurting you is the very worst thing of all.”
I took a breath, knowing I was wading deeper into the maze.
“Give me your phone.”
He slid it out of his pocket, unlocked it and handed it to me. I let go of his wrist to take it. His wallpaper was of him. He was standing next to several people and behind them was an elephant. He looked incredibly happy. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I didn’t ask him about it. Instead, I added myself as a contact and gave it back to him.
“I’m only going to say this once. If you dare make me regret this, I will hit you where it hurts the most. And considering you told me how, you know exactly what will happen.”
His lips curved up at
the sides when he looked down at my contact in his phone. Sliding it in his pocket, he stepped back towards me. I sucked in air when he caught my face with one hand, turning it and placing a kiss on my cheek.
“I promise I won’t hurt you again,” he whispered, “And if I break my promise, you have my permission to destroy me entirely.”
He smiled, stroking my cheek once more before he turned and walked down the steps towards his car. He walked around to the driver’s side and leant his arms on the roof, watching me silently. I bit my lip, then turned and unlocked the front door.
The moment I walked in and closed the door behind me, I legged it into the living room, entirely ignoring the occupants as I reached the window. Tugging the curtain aside, I watched him stare at the house for a long moment before he got in his car, started it and pulled away.
“Dare I ask what happened?” came Duke’s voice.
“No, you may fucking well not.”
I watched Logan’s car until it disappeared before turning back and shutting the curtain again. Duke was sat on the sofa with Xav. Raphi was curled up in an armchair with his face buried in a book.
“Why are you all dressed up?” Xav asked, raising his eyebrow, “Has Quinn seen that dress? Pretty sure he wouldn’t allow you out of the house in it.”
I realised I’d not closed my coat when we left the restaurant. They could all see how short my dress was.
“Rora had a date,” Duke replied.
“It wasn’t a fucking date. And no, Dad hasn’t seen this dress. Even if he told me he hated it, I would ignore him. It’s my body. I get to put whatever I want on it.”
Xav snorted, which made me narrow my eyes.
“If it wasn’t a date, was it a booty call?”
I almost walked out of the room.
“Oh my god, no! Who asks their daughter that kind of question?”
He shrugged. It didn’t surprise me considering this was Xav. I didn’t think the word appropriate was in his vocabulary.
“You are being safe though, right?”
“If I was theoretically out on a booty call, yes, I would be safe about it.”
“Just making sure.”
I didn’t wait to see if he was going to ask me anything else, stalking out of the room and down the hallway to my own before my dad did actually see me in this dress. I was not in the mood for a lecture from him after having seen Logan this evening.
Whilst I should have regretted giving him my number, I didn’t. I wanted to see Logan again. And next time, I wouldn’t let my stubborn pride get in the way. Next time, I’d ask him why he broke my heart. Because there was nothing in this world I needed to know more than that.
Chapter Thirty Four
The whole drive home I couldn’t get the brokenness of Aurora’s voice out of my head. Seeing her again made me realise how much I’d hurt her. I knew, of course, but witnessing how much your actions affected someone was an entirely different thing. It made it all fucking worse. I had so much to make up to Aurora. Too fucking much.
I unlocked the front door and walked into the house, trudging upstairs to my room. Stripping out of my suit, I pulled on some comfortable clothes. I wasn’t tired yet. I rubbed my face as I walked into the living room, finding my parents curled up together with two of their cats, Jupiter and Charon, next to them on the sofa watching TV. I slumped down on one of the other sofas.
It hadn’t been my intention to sell my flat before I left the UK. I was only meant to be away for twelve weeks. Instead, it had turned into two-and-a-half years. Guess you could say I enjoyed the conservation work more than I thought I would. It gave me a new perspective on life. It had been Ant and my mother who encouraged me to do it after I’d told my parents I didn’t want to run Bensons. Guess you could say my love of animals came from my zookeeper mother. Travelling the world to help with their conservation was an adventure I never thought I’d go on, but one I was happy to have experienced.
I was staying with my parents whilst the house I’d bought was being renovated. It would be another couple of weeks before it was ready. I didn’t mind being here. My relationship with my parents had improved tenfold now there were no longer secrets between us.
“How did it go?” Mum asked after a few minutes of me sitting there without having said hello.
“How did what go?”
“Your dinner with Aurora.”
I stared hard at the TV. They were watching some nature show.
Mum and Dad knew about Aurora and my plans to get her back. Had the fact there might be repercussions for our reputation if I dated a girl with a family like Aurora’s changed?
Well, no.
My mum had strong words with my uncle about his interference. I say strong words. She’d given him quite the dressing down, not to mention Dad’s reaction to the news. He wasn’t happy about it either. Not about me wanting to be with Aurora, but the entire situation. The only thing he wanted was my happiness. It’s why they weren’t levelling any objections about me pursuing Aurora now. I’d asked them first to make sure. They told me if she was who I wanted to be with, then I should.
The company had weathered many storms throughout the years. With Cassie and Maia at the helm when all of our parents retired, there would be no issues. It didn’t mean I was no longer a part of the business. I’d merely be a silent partner, having no involvement in the day to day running of the company. It would be shared equally amongst me and my cousins. Raoul, the youngest of us, was going to be leaving school soon. His sister, Roux, already worked at Bensons. Leo didn’t have any interest, so he’d have a similar role to me. He was training to become a doctor like his father had done, though Uncle Jensen had become a psychotherapist after what happened with his sister. Regardless, the company was remaining in the family which is all my parents wanted.
“It went okay, I guess,” I replied after a moment, “She’s different now, but I wasn’t expecting anything else.”
“Different how?”
I sighed and tugged a cushion towards me, sticking it behind my head as I lay back.
“I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe less confrontational. I mean, she gave me shit for what I did and told me she didn’t care about the whys, but she wasn’t so argumentative.”
I glanced at Mum who had her eyebrow raised. Dad was watching us silently.
“Did you tell her?”
I shook my head.
“I wanted to, but she wasn’t ready to listen. Before you say anything, I did apologise.”
“What’s next then?”
I had no idea. Aurora might have given me her number, but I wasn’t sure how she felt about seeing me again. I needed to make her listen to me even though I’d told her I would wait until she asked for an explanation. She deserved the truth. All of it. Only then could she understand the reasons behind why I’d ended things. It was true I’d never needed to say such cruel things to her, but my emotions had been a mess. I’d wanted her not to expect me to come back. To take away any hope. Perhaps I’d been too thorough in my quest. Maybe I should have been gentler.
No point dwelling on it now. I couldn’t change the past, only the future.
“She gave me her number. I guess it means she’s okay with seeing me again. Honestly, Mum, I don’t know how she feels about me other than being hurt by my actions.”
I wouldn’t tell them about Aurora wanting to punish me for what I’d done. It could stay between us.
“You made a mistake. If she allows you to explain, I’m sure she’ll see you’re genuinely sorry for what happened.”
“I hope so… just don’t know how she’s going to feel about it being because of who her family is. She’s sensitive about them, but it’s understandable why. Can’t be easy for her having five parents with everyone judging her for it.”
People in this world sure liked to shit all over anything which didn’t conform to their view. I might have thought it was weird at first, but it didn�
��t mean I judged Aurora for it. She shouldn’t be given hell for a choice her parents had made. The same went for me being with her. I understood that now more than ever. Children aren’t responsible for their parents’ actions.
When she’d told me about how her siblings had been bullied over it and people called her mother a whore, it made me sick. You couldn’t help who you fell in love with. So fucking what if she had four partners? If Aurora ever let me be with her, I wouldn’t stand by whilst people gave her shit. I’d support her and her family. I was fucking well done with other people telling me or anyone else how to live and what choices to make.
“No, I don’t imagine it is.”
“If Aurora takes you back, have you thought about how you’re going to deal with her father?” my dad asked.
My mum gave him a look. I ran my fingers through my hair, wondering how to answer.
“I guess I’ll have to show him I have nothing but respect and love for his daughter… I’ll treat her right this time.”
I hadn’t hidden what I’d done to Aurora from my father. He wasn’t exactly enthused to hear about it, but he’d made mistakes with my mother. It’s not like he could talk. We all did stupid things in life.
“I have no doubts about your ability to treat her well, or your mother will have something to say about it.”
“And what will I have to say about it, Dante?” Mum said with a raised eyebrow.
He gave her an indulgent smile whilst his fingers stroked along her shoulder.
“Only that you raised him better. He should know the right way to treat a woman.”
“You’re making me wonder what you taught him during your father-son time.”
His blue eyes widened slightly. I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to get him in any trouble.
“I did not teach him to fuck around with girls, Liora, if that’s what you’re implying.”
“No?”
“What kind of father do you think I am?”
I could tell she was deliberately winding him up by the twinkle in her green eyes, but he hadn’t realised it yet. She reached up and stroked his cheek.