My feet quickly eat up the distance to the sliding door. My arms extend to open it and freeze midair, unsure what to do next. I hesitate before stepping out to face him. Standing there in the dark living room, I’m watching this beautiful man and wondering if he would ever want me wholly for who I am, no pretenses, no lies, no omissions. Do we have a chance at completing each other? Or am I his weak link, an unpleasant reminder of the horrible past?
As if sensing my presence, Alex lifts up and turns around. Our eyes meet, and he steps forward the same time I do. With one swift motion, the glass door slides open and I step into his strong embrace.
I inhale his unique scent, gaining strength from his presence.
”You ok?" I look up at him as he hugs me tighter, breathing in my hair, his face muscles relaxing.
"Yeah, just couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you?" He’s looking down at my face, running a quick scan for signs of another nightmare. Finding none of that he relaxes a bit more, pushing me into his chest. I mumble a reply, barely audible.
"You didn't, I just woke up so cold and alone in the bed. I thought you left."
He replies instantly, lifting up my face. "I would never do that. Not after last night." He doesn’t finish, and I know he means my vulnerability after another terrible dream.
My eyes are trained on his, gauging his reaction, looking for proof I’m right.
"I don't know. Maybe it’s too much. I hate stirring up old memories in you. I hope it doesn’t scare you off. If that happens though, then so be it. I want no more lies in my life, no more pretenses."
"I'm not leaving." His voice is no longer a whisper; it exudes confidence now. His blue eyes convey his resolve. There’s not a shadow of a doubt in them.
As if needing to test him further, I start talking, before I can stop myself.
I’m determined to reveal things, some of which I’ve never said out loud, even to myself.
"What you saw back there, it was a rare but recurring dream. It takes twists, mixes with the reality of the days behind, but the essence is always the same.”
He’s quiet, listening carefully, eyes on me. I backtrack to explain everything from the beginning.
"This time it mixed in with the incident I had the other day on the beach. The eyes of the attacker, they were the eyes of a predator. I know the look too well. I’ve lived with it for years. Matthew has eyes like that when we… when he…” I trail off, unable to finish. Until this point Alex was calmly listening. Then, as my last words vibrate through the air, he sucks in a ragged breath, fists forming, muscles clenching. I watch his reaction, but he gathers himself too quickly, loosens his fists, takes a calming breath, and nods for me to go on. I can't find the strength to finish the sentence. This is too much. Alex envelopes me in his hug, one hand tangled in my hair, the other rubbing my back. I’m sobbing into his chest and can't seem to stop. The floodgates have opened. All the pent-up emotions of my past are surfacing, and I’m drowning in them.
Alex lifts my face to his and kisses my forehead with his gentle lips. My sobs subside for a moment. I realize he is my anchor, my strength, my one true thing. He has not let me down, just supported me and helped me regain my self-confidence. I hold onto him and gain strength to continue.
“This time my dream kept switching between the creep at the beach and Matthew. I woke up feeling powerless and violated, lacking control over my body. That’s why I did that to you. I needed to erase the horror and replace it with a beautiful and willful act. And you sensed my need as usual, reigned in your controlling habits, and gave it all up to me. Thank you.”
Alex places his hands on my cheeks and kisses my lips gently, rubbing the tips of our noses.
“I’ve seen the look that was on your face during that nightmare way too many times not to recognize it. I knew you were in pain, mental and physical. So, when you’ve started the onslaught of wet kisses and frantic touches, I figured you needed to right the balance, gain back the control. We’re similar in more ways than you can imagine.”
Alex gives me another lingering kiss before prompting me to continue. “I sense you’re not done here. Tell me.”
As always, he’s right on the mark.
"Ever since I came to Miami, I’ve thought someone’s been following me. I’ve never had that feeling before. It was weird and I was paranoid. I kept feeling eyes on me, but telling myself to chill and not go crazy. Then, last night, I met with my father in Chicago. He confronted me with a set of pictures documenting every day we spent together.”
Alex tenses under me, going rigid, his jaw clenching in a struggle to reign control of the building rage. I look into his eyes; they’re slowly turning steel grey, the telltale sign of his fury. He nods again and silently prompts me to go on.
“My father claims he received the photos from an anonymous source early in the morning, and had me booked for the next flight that same day. The envelope had a note in it that said fix this before it becomes public. I’ve been given an ultimatum. Forty-eight hours, fix this or lose everything. If the photos go public, besides getting kicked out of the company, I will irrevocably damage my reputation.”
I sigh, rip my eyes from the darkness of the ocean, and chance another glance at Alex. He is boiling on the inside, barely keeping calm on the outside. I can’t bear seeing his eyes so cold and steely grey. He looks positively murderous right now. It scares me. If not for the gentle embrace of his hands on my back and thighs, I would be running for my life.
Our eyes meet again, and his subtle nod prompts me to carry on.
“I’m meeting my father again on Friday. I’ve tried to explain I left Matthew. The decision has been made. He wants to hear none of that, claiming we are, even now, both cheaters. Friday I’m flying back for a final attempt at opening my father’s eyes, making him see the world from my perspective. Hopefully he’ll care. I just can’t wrap my head around the possibility of becoming sort of a homeless, jobless orphan. I can survive on my own no problem; it’s just that life feels like such a waste. Everything I’ve put my heart and soul into building will be taken away in the blink of an eye.”
I take a deep breath, stopping my monologue for a brief moment. My eyes are filled with sincerity, and I’m looking straight at Alex, hoping he sees right through me, as he always does.
"Thank you for being here, for helping me heal, for not leaving, for listening. Thank you for being you."
I kiss the corner of his mouth. My heart swells with emotions. I am so relieved, as if a burden has been lifted from my chest. I feel I can breathe fully for the first time in years. This is me: troubled, complicated, and completely bared to the one person who matters most in my life. Alex kisses my lips gently, pulling away to place his trademark kiss on my forehead. He’s silent, expressing his feelings through gentle touches. I’m cradled in his lap, and he relaxes against the chaise. We sit like this in the darkness of the night, warm wind blowing over our tangled bodies. I feel his acceptance of me. But there is something else, a sense of unease that I can’t shake away. His rage has subsided a bit. I may not know him that well, but I feel him. I know he’s put on a calm mask, but those eyes are still glacial. Hence, I wait patiently, relishing his closeness, calmed by the steady beat of his heart.
Seventeen
Minutes go by in utter stillness, just the sound of ocean and our beating hearts filling the silence of the warm night. Finally, Alex stirs under me and I lift up from his chest, resuming my position on his lap. Our fingers interlace with a stronger hold, longing for a solid connection. His eyes are haunted, but they are no longer silvery cold. The blues are back, along with unexplainable vulnerability. I dare not say anything. Should he need time, I’ve got plenty of it.
Alex takes one last, deep breath and starts talking.
"Remember when I told you I was not a public person, and that I keep my interactions with women to a minimum? Well, I meant it, every word. I haven’t been in a relationship for years. After what happened when I was thirteen, I left th
e country and lived and studied abroad. I had to protect my identity, for fear of endangering myself, as well as the other person.” He looks at me unblinking and I nod, silently telling him I understand.
“One week of your presence has changed my life so much. I can’t stay away. The pull is too strong. I crave your closeness, your touch. I crave to protect you, to make love to you, to be with you.” I smile at his confession, my heart swelling with emotions, hopes, possibilities. His eyes are trained on mine, but there’s pain lingering in them, right alongside infinite tenderness.
“I can’t afford to get close to anyone without knowing who they are. It’s a mistake that could cost me everything. So not knowing who you were, I had to check. Basically, I knew your name and everything about you the first day I met you. I’m very resourceful in that sense, besides, you had nothing to hide. I had to be certain you weren’t connected to my world.”
I feel dumbstruck by his admission. I see his reasons, I can even make an argument in favor of his actions, but nonetheless, there’s an acrid aftertaste to finding out I was researched, my privacy breached. My lips are tight in a straight line, but that doesn’t stop Alex from reading the emotions right off my face. He gets closer to me, our noses almost touching, and pleads with his eyes for me to give him a chance to explain. Then he places a lingering kiss to my forehead.
“One thing was off though. That first day we spent together on the beach I noticed you were followed. That made me even more cautious. It didn’t fit in with the rest of your life. You were a good girl on paper, no blips anywhere on the radar. The only explanation that came to my mind was a jealous husband or boyfriend. For your protection, and my peace of mind, I had someone follow you when I wasn’t around. And thank god he did. That thug out on the beach had been after you for some time. If you hadn’t run away, Vic would have gotten information out of him, but his instructions were clear, your safety is a top priority. He chased you.”
My eyes are wide open, mouth slacked. I cannot believe what I’m hearing. After all, I really don’t have any idea who Alex is. I thought I was beginning to know him, but he just threw my whole world upside down.
“I will get to the bottom of this. Whoever ordered the shadowing will pay dearly for it. They have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into. Those pictures, they will never see the light of the day. I can guarantee you that. Your reputation will not be tarnished; your safety will not be jeopardized. I will not allow our faces to be made public.”
Alex looks determined, and I don’t doubt him for a second. There must be a good reason he goes to these measures to protect his privacy. I just don’t see how I fit in. After all the efforts I’ve made to have an open, honest relationship, baring my soul, I realize the person in front of me has been doing just the opposite. He has no trust in me. He’s caring, understanding, protective, affectionate, tender, supportive, sexy as hell, a perfect combination of gentle and dominant. I realize he is everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a man. But he doesn’t trust me. How can I live with that?
I’m so deep in thought, I lose track of time. Sadness envelopes me, a sense of despair at realizing this is a lose-lose situation. I hate to go, but how can I stay?
A tender hand is on my chin, cueing me to face the man who has pushed me down the rabbit hole I was so desperate to avoid. I turn slowly and see Alex’s pained face, the desperation in him palpable.
"Say something. I know you’re confused, I never meant for it to come down to this.”
“I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know where to start. Who are you? I don’t even know your last name, or how old you are—all those things that you just took for granted by researching me.”
A realization must dawn on him. He clears his throat, straightens his back, and really introduces himself for the first time.
“I am Alexander Faust. I am thirty-six years old. My birthday is April 8th.”
My eyes go wide and Alex continues sheepishly, “I know, it’s on the same day as yours. I couldn’t believe it myself.” My heart is beating so fast, ready to jump out of my chest. This is too much. The coincidence is pushing my heart to accept that we were meant to find each other, but my mind is fighting to keep my guard up. Trust is by far the most important building block.
“I can’t fathom what else you know about me and how much of it is committed to your memory. You must have been so bored when I was telling you the story of my life. Old news, right?” I’m suddenly bitter over the lost opportunity to get to know each other the normal way. I feel invaded and violated.
“Absolutely not! The information I found was factual and dry; it didn’t represent the person you really are. Your spirit, charisma, sense of humor, sexuality, and vulnerability are only known to a few. I’m one of the lucky ones. I can’t bear thinking I may have put you in danger. I had no proof who ordered the shadowing. As soon as heard you were in danger, I flew right back to Miami."
"Flew? Where were you? What do you do? Why am I followed by herds of people? Why danger?"
My head is spinning with questions.
"I rent luxury boats to people, different people, ones who need complete privacy for their meetings. We screen them and provide secure arrangements and accommodations for the meetings, as well as staff and security personnel who are trained to keep quiet. Any information about the upcoming meetings or clients is completely confidential. So far there have never been any leaks, and that's why I'm trusted. I deal with people who go above and beyond any laws and civil measures. This is why I had to know exactly who you were. Once I knew you were not part of this business, I had to protect you from it."
He says everything without a pause, then stops for a breath to gauge my reaction. I look him straight in the eye and do not know what to say.
"This is unbelievable; this can't be true. How do you live like this? I see why you had to go to all the measures you did, but in a way, I feel betrayed. You were keeping secrets from me, and looked me straight in the eye without blinking. You knew what happened, yet pretended you didn’t, letting me struggle through retelling the horrors.”
I’m shaking all over from the onslaught of emotions, suddenly feeling cold in the warm tropical air. Alex places a tentative hand on my cheek, fully expecting I’ll flinch from his touch. Surprisingly, I still find it comforting. A lonely tear rolls down and is swiped by his thumb.
“Please don’t cry. I can’t stand hurting you, knowing I’m the cause of your grief. I swear, I’m ready to move heaven and earth just to make it right with you. I know I betrayed your trust, the most important thing you were looking for in me. Unfortunately, there’s still so much more you don’t know about me that I’m not ready to share yet. It’ll take time for me to reveal all my demons and motivations. They are rooted deep in my history. Please know, I have come clean about everything that concerns you.” He still cradles my face in his hand, looking in my eyes, searching them for understanding and perhaps forgiveness.
I crave his touch, the peace it brings. I’m scared to follow my heart.
“I’m not asking for an answer right now. I know you’re confused and need to think. I’ll give you space. Although the last thing I want to do right now is leave.”
The idea of him leaving right now is disturbing. I blurt before I think of the consequences. “Then don’t.” I stare at him, unable to continue. I’m not making promises. I simply can’t let him go.
The understanding passes between us, no words necessary. He needs the physical connection as much as I do. The future is uncertain, the present can be stretched, tomorrow hasn’t come yet.
Alex lifts up from the lounger, cradling my tired body in his arms. It dawns on me that I haven’t left his lap, haven’t broken contact with him the whole time, finding comfort in his closeness, despite being hurt by his words. Our chemistry is unexplainable.
We enter the bedroom and stop. A silent question asked. I tighten my hold on Alex’s neck, whispering softly in his ear.
“Let’s go to s
leep. Tomorrow will be another day.” That’s all the confirmation he needs. In a few long strides, we climb the mattress and settle in the middle, a perfect tangle of limbs.
Eighteen
The morning comes too soon. Sun is bright in my face but my body is cold. I know without checking, Alex is gone. This time I don’t bother looking for him, knowing it’s a waste of time. He won’t be here. Tomorrow has come. I wanted space to think, so I got it. Sadly, I don’t have any energy left in me to do it. Pulling the blanket over my head, I fall into the oblivion, the rabbit hole consuming me. I welcome the darkness, my new friend in this game of avoidance.
Next time I open my eyes, it’s late afternoon. The day is coming to an end, darkness approaching soon. I make myself get up, use the bathroom, brush my teeth. I can’t eat, the idea revolting. I grab some water and go to the balcony. Nothing has changed from last night. Except now I’m alone. I lay down on the chaise where Alex sat with me just mere hours ago, my imagination playing tricks on me, causing me to smell his unique scent, a blend of cologne and his natural aroma. I lay on my side, close to the pillow, and watch wave after wave roll over the shore in an endless cycle. The sound is soothing, the warm breeze caressing. I close my eyes and fall, fall, fall down into the darkness.
I wish I could forget everything, at least for a little bit, take a break and feel carefree. The memories attack me even in my sleep.
ONE To Watch Me (The ONE Series, Part 1, Book 1) Page 14