"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I don't know how to do anything else. To be any other way."
"You could learn." I hated I was almost begging.
"And you could change, too, but you won't. And I would never ask you to."
I felt rebuked. Where was the compromise? Where was the effort? If he wasn't willing to at least try, then he was right. I took a step away from him, from his touch that made me consider forgetting everything I stood for. "I think I'd try a lot of things for you, Jax. But knowing from the start I'd only be short-term doesn't bode well with me."
"I'm sorry."
How many times was he going to repeat it? And what was he sorry for? Leading me on? Making me want him? Rejecting me? Playing some stupid game of chase only to realize he might not win in the end?
Congratulations, Jax. We both lost. "Thank you for being honest, Jax. It's better than disappearing like you did at the reception. I appreciate that. But for now, I think it might be best if we both walk away before this gets any more awkward."
He nodded, then turned and walked away from me. I clenched my fingers and bit my tongue to prevent myself from calling him back. But in the seconds before I followed him into the house, I wondered how many other people before me had also just let him walk away? Somehow, I had a sinking feeling that I might be the latest one on a long list.
17
Jax
"Good to see you, man. It's been a while." Noah gave me a hearty back-slapping hug as he greeted me from the top step of the large porch that welcomed guests into his farmhouse.
Noah lived on his family's horse farm about twenty miles north of town, up in the mountains. It was peaceful—no people rushing everywhere, no noisy traffic. There were just the songs of birds, insect buzzes, and the occasional neighing of horses out in the paddock. I used to love coming here as a boy when my family lived on the other side of the mountain. Now I only rarely ventured out of the city unless it was work related. But Noah, good man and best friend that he was, never let me distance myself from him.
I need to come here more often.
Already, a peacefulness pervaded my soul that I hadn't felt in a long time. And it had only gotten worse recently. Seven days to be specific, and no coincidence that it was the same amount of time since I'd seen Grace. I thought I'd done the right thing by her, but I only felt worse for it. Desperate for an escape, I'd contacted Noah to see if he was still up for getting together.
"Yeah, too long. It's good to get out of town."
Noah laughed. "Funny, I'd love to be able to get away and go to town." He gestured to have a seat in one of the big rockers on the porch.
I joined his laughter as I accepted a beer he handed me from an ice bucket. Clearly, he knew me well. After popping the top and taking a couple of refreshing sips, I grew serious. "How is he?"
"He still has a few good days, but the bad ones are increasing."
Noah's grandfather, Jack, had Alzheimer's, and it had reached a point where Noah wasn't comfortable leaving him on his own. He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees as he rolled his beer bottle between his palms. "The other day, he left a burner turned on with an empty pot on it. Thank God, he didn't burn the house down. That's a long way from forgetting where he put his keys." He took a sip of his drink and stared at some point in the distant pasture. "It's hard watching such a strong man reduced to this. Too bad it doesn't erase the memory of my mom or grandma, though. Maybe that would make the deterioration worth it. Instead, it's like it's transported him backward, and he keeps asking where they are, getting upset when he can't find them."
Noah had been raised by his grandparents after his mother, their daughter, ran off with another man and left two-year-old Noah with his father. Not long afterwards, Noah's dad, Corbin, dropped him off at the farm with no warning and also disappeared. He still showed up from time to time, always threatening Noah's grandparents he'd take Noah away. And always, Corbin was more than satisfied to leave by himself once his in-laws gave him money. I couldn't speak for Corbin, but it was hard to reconcile that such good and loving people as Jack and Alice had raised a daughter that abandoned her son. I knew it broke their hearts, and they'd done their best to make her abandonment up to their grandson.
While Noah was away for college, his grandmother, Alice, died. When he started grad school, Noah wasn't able to come back as often to check on Jack. But on one visit, he found Corbin living on the farm and his grandfather showing signs of dementia. Corbin had been taking advantage and skimming money from his Jack's bank accounts and borrowing heavily against the property while letting the business side fall apart, so almost no money was coming in. When Noah saw the condition of the farm and the accounts, he kicked his father out, quit school and moved back permanently to take care of his ailing grandfather and to try to save the farm and its reputation that had once been his family's pride and joy.
"I'm sorry, Noah. I can't guess how hard it must be. Have you found someone who can come in and help?"
Noah shook his head. "We're still managing. But soon, I'm not sure I'm going to have a choice." He sighed. "I'm just not sure how."
I wished he would allow me to help. Ironic, given there was a brief time years ago when I'd thought Noah was the enemy. I'd hated him for something he'd done, and I'd blamed him as the reason my family fell apart. In reality, he'd saved me, and I quite possibly owed him my life. But Noah's pride ran deep, about as deep as his stubbornness and loyalty, which was beyond measure.
I glanced at him, knowing his response before I said the words, but I had to try one more time. "You know I would—"
I stopped when his hand went up. "I appreciate it. But borrowing money from friends is about as smart as bringing a whore home to mama. Both are sure to backfire. I'll figure something out." He crossed his legs and took a long sip of his beer. "How about you? What the hell was up a few weeks ago? You and a bunch of teens? Did you finally crack and do something to earn community service?"
I chuckled and rubbed my chin with my middle finger, earning a grin. "Maybe, in a roundabout way."
He lifted his eyebrows and waited for me to continue.
"I met this girl and kissed her, and I shouldn't have."
"Shit, Jax, what did you do? Was she at least eighteen?"
I glared at him but backed off when I saw he was genuinely concerned. "I guess it does sound bad starting off that way," I grudgingly admitted. I settled back in my chair and summarized meeting Grace at the wedding and again in my office.
Noah burst out laughing. "Shit, man! She could sue your ass for sexual harassment."
I hung my head. "Yeah, not one of my finer moments. I was in a pissy mood, but I know that's not a good excuse." I thought back to that moment, remembering the fire I saw in Grace's eyes just before she fooled me. "But you should have seen her. She held her own."
Noah observed me quietly for several seconds. He must have picked up on the note of admiration I was unable to hide. "I think I'd like to meet the only girl I've heard of who got the better of you."
No, not the only one.
I pushed that thought aside. "You can. On any Sunday morning."
"What do you mean?"
"Her dad's the pastor at Trinity Lutheran downtown."
He sat straight up. "You're joking, right? You made out with a pastor's daughter? Did lightning strike? Oh, my God, this is priceless!" He slapped his thigh, laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke. I almost hoped he would. Seriously, he wasn't kidding when he mentioned needing to get out more if he got this much entertainment out of my story. "Is she looking to sin or are you looking for redemption?"
"It's not that funny." I glared at him.
He swiped at his eyes that were watering. "Yeah, it is."
I was beginning to consider using my fist as a gag when he finally appeared to have exhausted himself.
He leaned back in his chair. "But what does that have to do with being with kids? That doesn't sound like you."
I reluctantly
filled him in on the rest of my encounters with Grace.
"Wow." He eyed me speculatively. "You like her, don't you?"
"There's nothing not to like. She's a nice person."
"Nah, it's more than that. This is me. You can be honest."
I closed my eyes and allowed my head to fall back on my chair. "It doesn't matter."
"You know, it's perfectly okay if you like her."
"Thanks for the permission, jackass," I mumbled, wrinkling my nose. I sat back up to grab another beer, halfway wishing for something stronger, more numbing.
Noah gave me a 'duh' look. "It's not my permission you need, dumbass. It's your own. You always keep everything, especially women, within such tight parameters. You don't let anyone close."
"Gee, I wonder why?"
Noah's face gentled into quiet sympathy. "I get it. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve more. You do. Shit, you deserve something good from life more than anyone I know."
"I have a good life."
"You have a lonely life," he countered.
"I'm thinking my quiet life is sounding better than sitting here being lectured."
"That's because you know I'm right."
Damn his smug tone. And worse yet, damn him for being right. Women came in and out of my life like trains pulling in and out of the station. I was the conductor, moving them in and directing them on to their next destination after they'd been there awhile. It never bothered me.
Until Grace.
Now I found myself distracted by thoughts of her. I constantly wondered what she was doing, missing the waterfall of words that fell from her mouth when she was nervous, her smell, her smile, her touch. And more recently, her taste and the feel of her in my arms. All have been enough to have me jerking off at least once a day to those memories.
"What would it hurt to let her in, Jax? Actually, nix that question. How does it feel to have already let her in?"
"I haven't..."
"Sure, you have. You've never come up here and talked about a woman before. Not like this." His raised eyebrow gave me pause. Few people knew me better than Noah. If anyone could detect a change in me other than my mom, it would be him, so there wasn't much point in denying it.
"Think about it. The only women you allow in your life are those you know you don't honestly care about." He raised his hand when I opened my mouth to protest. "Not saying you didn't have any feelings for them, but it was passive, right? How many of them have you given a single thought to since you moved on?"
I didn't have to answer.
"Exactly. Even though you maybe had great sex, that's all it was. You don't miss them. Once they're in the rearview mirror, you never look back. Now, imagine never talking to this woman again. One, I'm assuming, you haven't even had sex with. How does that make you feel?"
It would fucking suck.
"Grace. Her name is Grace," I mumbled. I didn't like hearing her referred to as 'this woman' as if she were in the same class as all the others. She wasn't. That was the problem.
Noah smirked but nodded. He got it.
"It doesn't matter anyway," I mumbled.
"Why?"
"Because she's not the kind of woman to fuck and chuck. She's a keeper."
"So, keep her." Noah made it sound so simple.
"Because I don't do that."
"So, change."
I shook my head. "I'm not sure I know how. Besides, women want too much attention, and I need to focus on work." I didn't mind the demands of my job. At least there was a return on the investment of time. Women were never satisfied.
His knowing eyes pinned mine again. "You know what I think?"
"If I said 'yes,' would you stop playing armchair psychiatrist?"
"Nope. You might as well stretch out on the couch." He laughed at his joke before sobering up. "I think you don't want to be like your mom who's lost two husbands. You've seen what she's gone through. Aaand," he continued ignoring my long sigh and eye roll, "I think you always pick women who remind you of Mallory."
I flinched. What the fuck? The few people who knew about her never brought up her name, at least not around me. Instinctively, I reached up and began to rub my left forearm. At the moment, I wasn't sure who had more mental deficiencies, Noah or Jack. "You're crazy. Why would I want anyone who reminds me of that...that bitch?"
Noah caught the gesture and grimaced. "So you won't grow attached and won't feel anything when it ends, which you make sure it will. And you always make sure it ends on your terms and at your timing. It's a control issue."
After several seconds of silence, I shook my head. "You're nuts."
He shrugged. "Suit yourself. Maybe I am. But it sounds to me like you thought you might have found your next conquest, only it turns out she's immune to your so-called charms. You can't control the situation because she doesn't fall neatly into your plan. You want her anyway, and that scares the shit out of you."
Snorting, I replied, "Stick to horses, dude. Maybe they'll listen to your bullshit while you're shoveling theirs. Besides, it doesn't matter. Grace and I agreed we want different things."
He shrugged. "Sounds like your loss, man."
It might be, but at least it wouldn't be hers. "For someone so interested in doling out advice, how come you don't have your own woman?"
Noah snickered. "And offer her what? I've got a falling apart horse farm and a shit load of debt. I can hear it now. 'Hey, wanna go out? Just bring your wallet because you'll have to pay.'"
A shuffling noise directed our gazes toward the front foyer visible through the screen door. Noah's grandfather shuffled out the front door. His brow wrinkled when he saw the two of us, but he tried to cover his confusion. "Hi. I'm sorry. I didn't know we had a guest. I'm Jack Murray."
Darting a quick glance at Noah, I decided to play along to not upset him. I stood and accepted his hand. "Hi, Mr. Murry. It's good to see you."
His head cocked to one side. "Are you one of Noah's friends?"
Memories of Jack tossing a football to Noah and me in the front yard, taking us out to the barn to see a new foal, and offering tidbits of fatherly advice to two fatherless boys assailed me. "Yes, I am. I'm Jax."
Jack's smile was genuine. "Nice to meet you." He focused on some spot over my shoulder and smiled. "I once knew a boy named Jax. Good kid, quiet. Always liked him. Wonder whatever happened to him." He shook his head and refocused on me. "Good to meet you. Noah's a good boy. I like to meet his friends. Can you stay for dinner? Do you like meatloaf? I think that's what we're having tonight. My wife, Alice, makes the best and we always have plenty!"
Noah leaned forward in his chair. His sad eyes glanced at mine before turning to the older man. "I think we have steaks planned tonight, Gramps," he said gently. "How about I get you a drink, and you can sit with us outside a bit before dinner, hmm?"
"Oh, sure, sure. That sounds nice." He sat in another chair and rocked. "Oh, look, there's Sammy. Come here, boy."
I followed Jack's line of sight and sure enough, saw a dog sitting several yards away staring back at us. However, I knew it wasn't Sammy, the family dog from when Noah and I were kids. He'd died when we were still in high school.
When the dog didn't move, Jack stood. "I'll go get him a treat." He went back into the house. Noah's sad eyes followed him.
"You get a dog?" I asked Noah.
"No. He's a stray. He won't let anyone get near him. He growls every time I try. But he doesn't seem to mind the horses. I fill a bowl for him out near the shed. This is about the time he comes around every day. I think it's his way of asking for more."
Leave it to Noah to be struggling financially, but to still find some room to feed a stray, a hostile one at that.
"I better go check on Gramps. I'll be right back." They came back out a couple of minutes later. Noah had a bowl of dog food that he walked over to the shed. The dog watched but made no move to claim the food until Noah was back on the porch.
Jack stuck his hand out to me. "Hi. Jack Mur
ry. Always glad to have one of Noah's friends here. Uh, sorry, didn't catch your name." His pale blue eyes gazed warily at me.
This time I didn't let go of his hand when he held it out for another introduction. "Would you show me your horses, Mr. Murry? It looks like you have some fine-looking animals out there." I matched my steps to his slower ones as we headed out the door and across the drive to the nearest pasture. I knew horses were his passion, and if nothing else, he'd be able to pull on the old memories that hadn't yet been touched by his disease.
As we walked, he told me about his home and farm. I was touched by how often he mentioned Alice, the love of his life. I tried to picture myself in his shoes, having a love that surpassed everything else, even living into a diseased mind that eliminated other people. I was glad he could remember her for now; it was obvious he felt at peace when he talked about her. I wondered how long it would be before that, too, was stolen from him.
It wasn't hard to picture that Grace would fill a role like that, at least for someone. Her nature was generous and loving, coupled with a bit of mischief and spunk. An intoxicating combination. She complained she met loser after loser, but it wouldn't be long before she'd find someone deserving of her.
Too bad Jack and I shared one thing in common. Our minds were both haunted by figments of a woman locked inside our head. Unlike Jack, mine didn't have a long and happy history, and unless I was willing to break my rules, they never would.
18
Grace
"I'm starting to think we should've hired a moving company to do everything after all."
I looked up from where I was unpacking dishes in the kitchen and grinned as Derek and Jax placed more boxes on the counter. Derek made a dramatic show of wiping his forehead.
It had been a couple of weeks since he and Maggie returned from their honeymoon. They'd signed the closing papers on their new house a couple of days ago, and now a group of us was pitching in to move them into their new home. Jade and I were helping Maggie set up her kitchen, while Derek, Jax and Derek’s brother, Paul, finished unloading boxes and small furniture from the moving van. Fortunately, Derek had hired a crew of movers to help with the heavy lifting this morning.
Against the Rules Page 15