by S. M. Smith
“So, what’s going on?” he asks before inhaling half his Rueben sandwich.
“Jessie wants to get married in the fall,” I say quickly.
Dad just nods as if her idea is actually pretty logical.
“And you don’t want to wait that long.”
“No, I can wait that long. Longer actually.”
“How long?”
I stop to think about his question. I hadn’t really thought of a specific amount of time, just that I needed it.
“A year. Two, maybe.” I throw it out there, still not really sure with how much time I need.
Dad narrows his eyes, seeing right through me.
“You really want to wait two years to marry the woman you’ve been pining over for as long as you have? How long have you been waiting for this? Two years already?”
I just shrug my shoulders. More like twelve years, but telling him that will just help prove his point.
“Why do you want to wait?” Dad asks, changing directions and effectively stumping me here too.
After a moment or two I shrug again and take a bite of my uneaten tuna melt. I have a hard time looking at my father because it’s like he knows what I’m not saying and what I don’t want to hear. He finally clears his throat. When I do finally look up at him, I get his signature I-know-what-you’re-doing look.
“Son?” He hones the look in and I steady myself for whatever he’s about to say. He finishes the last bite of his sandwich, dusts his hands over his plate and dabs a napkin over his face before turning his attention at me.
“You’re scared. You’ve waited for so long for her and now that you have her, and she’s ready to choose you, you are afraid of losing what you’ve always had with her. You guys have always been close, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the chemistry you have now is bordering dangerous. You’re afraid that it’s all chemistry and now that that ship has sailed—“ my eyes nearly pop out of my head at his insinuation. “Or judging by the angry look on your face it hasn’t. Which just scares you even more because when it finally does, you’re afraid you won’t have the best friend you’ve always had in her.”
Okay, so I may be more than a little annoyed that everyone seems to think that we’re sleeping together. But now that he’s put words to the fears, I’m shocked to find he’s hit so close the target.
“Okay, Dr. Phil, what have you done with my father and when can I get him back?”
So Dad doesn’t find me too funny and narrows his eyes at me.
“Listen, I have watched you two for the past twenty years. You two were moving to the same music well before you started dating. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that your mother and I weren’t worried about you during her engagement with Jake. But since the moment we heard about it being canceled, we’ve had a peace that everything would work out for you two in the end.”
My mother’s words filter through my mind again and I can’t help but feel that she’s partially responsible for my doubts right now.
“But Mom—“
“Don’t worry about your mother. She worries about you like you’re still in kindergarten. She will come around, but you shouldn’t take on her fears.”
“But Dad, everything will change the minute we get married. Jessie has these plans and she wants kids and—“
“And you don’t?” he asks, sounding terribly disappointed.
“I mean, yeah, eventually, but not right away. She wants to start as soon as we’re married and I just…I’m just not ready to go there yet, Dad. I can’t.”
The disappointed look my father was sporting has changed to a look full of sorrow.
Back in high school, when Jessie had decided to start dating Jake, I decided to try to move on from her and date a cheerleader named Zoe. Zoe lacked originality and was into everything that everyone else was doing, which really only meant sex. I really hadn’t wanted to, but after a game one night one thing led to another and well, my body got into things more than my heart did. It was a one-time only thing and when I kept rejecting her attempts at trying again, she disappeared. Like stopped showing up at school and everything.
I thought I had broken her heart. I called and called her house trying to apologize, but nobody would talk to me about how she was doing or anything. Turns out the only thing I had broken was her sense of morality. She was pregnant with my child and because she didn’t want to accept the responsibility of our actions, she had terminated the pregnancy. When she finally told me, she explained everything so nonchalantly, as if she hadn’t just ended a human life. My child’s life.
My mother took it the worst, having experienced numerous miscarriages. She would go through these periods of deep mourning for the grandchild she would never have to moments of outrageous anger at Zoe for having terminated a perfectly healthy pregnancy that my mother would have given anything to have had a second chance with. Dad grieved with me, after giving me a very thorough lecture of the consequences of my actions and grounding me until I left for college. They didn’t have anything to worry about though. There was only one girl I wanted then, and she was taken at the time.
Shortly after that, Jessie and I made a pact that we would save ourselves until we were married. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in sex, especially now that I have the girl of my dreams, and boy is Jessie ever present there, but I didn’t want to get myself in that position again.
“I don’t think you ever have to worry about that with Jessie, son.”
It’s not the fear of Jessie choosing something so horrifying as abortion that scares me. It’s the fear of another lost battle of ovarian cancer that scares me the most.
“Oh, I know I never have to worry about her making such life altering decisions without me. But what if something goes wrong, Dad. Marilyn—“
“Don’t go there. You’ll drive yourself mad doing so. Stephen, you can’t focus on the what ifs. You will never know where God is taking your life until you’re there. If there is one thing that I’ve learned from all the ups and downs your mother and I have gone through is this: God is in control, always. You can do everything in your power to avoid bad things, but if it’s in His plan for your life to be a roller coaster of the good and the bad, well then there’s really nothing you can do to prevent it. What you can do, though, is figure out how to enjoy it, even if that means sticking your hands up in the air and screaming all the way through it.”
I pick at my half-eaten sandwich and mull his words over while he gets up to get a refill of his water. He comes back and sits across from me again, his eyes searching to see if his words have hit their mark yet.
“Listen,” he continues. “If you are still so worried about not having enough time with just her, make that part of the compromise. Ask her to wait a little for you. I’m confident that if you just tell her what is going on she will work through it with you. That’s what makes having a wife so great, they typically are the voice of reason to our harebrained ideas.”
As if on cue, my phone buzzes with a message from Jessie.
Daphne’s coming over so we can do some planning tonight, any chance you’d be up for joining us?
My dad gives me a challenging look, as if he knows it’s Jess and what she’s asking. Without giving it a second thought I reply.
Wouldn’t miss it for the world
***
“Oo! I love the coral and sage combo. What do you think, babe?” Jess holds up two color swatches from her spot on the floor in front of me. When magazines and catalogues were brought out, the girls moved to the floor so they could spread everything out, so I took advantage and sprawled out on the couch with my laptop.
“I think it could work.”
“Yeah! It could work!!” Daphne exclaims as she grabs a huge three-ring binder from her spot across the area rug. There are at least six open catalogues between her and Jessie. I’ve lost track of what they are even talking about right now. “Especially with the grey tuxes!” She sqeals and I almost decide
to leave.
“Okay, so those’ll be the colors we’ll go with for a summer wedding. What about for a fall?”
My ears prick up then. I turn back to my laptop, but I can’t focus now. They shuffle through more color schemes, trying to pair the right color combo, before thoroughly contemplating a rich purple and a deep red mix.
“Is it too Christmas-y?” Jess asks Daphne holding up the swatches and looking at them from every angle.
I get up, needing some air. They both cease talking as I walk across the small dining room to the door to Jess’s balcony. I let myself out and lean against the railing. Letting the last bit of heat from the setting sun warm my face, I take a couple of deep breaths. I haven’t had the chance to try to compromise with her, but my dad’s words keep scrolling through my mind.
A moment later the door behind me opens and arms slide around my waist and a face lays gently on my back.
“I’m sorry, if you don’t want to do this…we can be done for the night if you’d like.”
I turn around and face my stunning bride to be. A strand of her dark hair flies in front of her face so I reach up and tuck it behind her ear. She exhales at my touch. I lean down and kiss her gently.
“I just needed some air. You do know it looks like a paint store exploded in your living room, right?”
She giggles, causing me to pull her in tighter.
“I don’t want to lose this,” I say out loud before I realize it.
“We will always be us. I don’t plan on changing, do you?” she asks. I shake my head, resting my chin on the top of her head. We just stand there holding onto one another as the sun slides the last little bit behind the horizon.
“I want some time before we go full on baby-making mode,” I tell her after a few more moments. She’s quiet for a moment.
“How long?”
“At least a year. We can travel or build a house, whatever you want, but I’m not yet ready to share you just yet.” I feel her smile against my chest. I pull back just enough to be able to look into her eyes. “I mean it. I’ve waited a very long time for you. I know that makes me selfish but—“
I’m interrupted by the mashing of her lips to mine. My hands make their way from her waist to the back of her head and I savor her every taste. She snakes her hands to my chest and grabs hold of my shirt, pulling me as close to her as I can get.
“Okay.” Her breath tickles my chin.
“Okay?” I ask, kind of amazed she’s agreeing. I know how badly she wants a family.
“Okay.” She nods, her nose brushing against my five o’clock shadow.
“Okay, let’s get married in the fall,” I say, losing hearing a second later.
She screams her excitement and jumps up onto me like a spider monkey, thanking me repeatedly. I hug her tight, laughing at her excitement. Daphne sticks her head out the door, concern laced on her face, as she searches the floor of the deck to look for the reason Jess is in my arms.
“We’re getting married in the fall!!” Jess squeals as she hops down, letting go of me. Daphne joins in on the squealing and hugs me too.
“Yay!!” Daphne claps. “Okay, well then we can get rid of the other swatches. Oh, and come look at this color combo I just put together.”
Jessie grabs my hand, still bouncing from excitement, and guides me back to the disaster that is her living room. Daphne holds up three swatches and to my amazement, I actually kind of like them.
“Navy. Pumpkin. Cypress.” She says as she holds up the three together and Jessie stops bouncing. I don’t think she’s really digging the palette until she turns to me with moist eyes and the most beautifully breath-taking smile.
“I like it,” I tell her. A single tear slips down her face. I wipe it away with my thumb, resting my palm on her cheek. “What do you think?”
“I think…it’s perfect.”
Chapter Fifteen
~Jessie~
“Yay!” Daphne claps again. “Okay, so in the fall, the colors. You know what the next part is, right?” A mischievous grin grows on her face.
“The dress,” I say in awe.
“Yes. We need to pick a shopping date. And who all do you want to be there?” Daphne says as she starts picking up the colorful mess off the floor.
I got an idea and I’m not sure how well it will pan out, but I decide to go for it anyway…then pray really hard that all goes well. I turn to Stephen.
“Do you think your mom might want to go with us?”
His face goes from curious to concerned. I know what I’m asking and how much stress that could potentially ensue for both of us, but she doesn’t have a daughter to get to enjoy all the fun stuff with and, well, my mom isn’t here. I could really use someone like Janine on my side, and I think dress shopping could potentially help ease her concerns.
“I’ll ask,” he says, not adding the part where he doesn’t think she’ll go for it. Daphne’s look of shock isn’t missed either, but it is ignored.
“Okay, well then, who else? Shaina and Shelby, of course. Anyone else?” Daphne asks.
“Nope,” I say, shaking my head. “I kind of already have in mind what I want, so…” Stephen’s eyebrow rises along with a smirk.
“Do I get to see the dress beforehand?” He pulls me in by the waist, giving me a very ornery grin.
“Absolutely not!” Daphne exclaims disbelievingly. “You can see it when she walks down that aisle.” She looks like she could slap Stephen for being so dumb. She turns around and picks up the heavy bag of catalogs and paint cards. “Do you get to see the—Seriously, what is wrong with you?!”
Giggles escape my chest as I pull out of his embrace and hug Daphne good bye. She gathers up the rest of her stuff and heads out the door, giving Stephen the stink eye one last time before bidding us goodnight. I turn back to Stephen who snakes his arms around my waist, holding me loosely.
“Are you sure you want my mother involved in planning our wedding?” Stephen asked.
The look on his face said that he didn't necessarily think inviting her was the best idea I've ever had.
“I'll talk to her. Don't worry.” I give him my best reassuring smile and stand up on my tippy toes to kiss his cheek.
“She is a force to be reckoned with,” he warns.
“Oh, so am I.” I don't mean the playful growl in my voice when I say it. I see a flicker in his eyes and not even a second later, his mouth descends upon mine.
He takes one step toward the couch and not wanting to lose his touch, I follow. He sits and pulls me down so I sit across his lap, one hand finding my hair, the other pressing into my shoulders. He pulls back and nuzzles my nose, a playful smirk of his own plastered all over his face. He trails tender kisses along my cheek and starts to go in for the spot just behind my ear that liquefies my insides when there’s a quick knock on my door just before it bursts open.
“Sorry, I forgot--” A shocked Daphne stops in her tracks.
Stephen pulls back and moves his hands to my waist, and I would have started giggling if Daphne didn’t look like she could kill me with just the look in her eyes.
“You forgot?” Stephen asks, a hint of annoyance in his voice. Daphne starts to respond before she catches the fact that he seems annoyed.
“Apparently I'm not the only one forgetting things today.” She narrows her eyes at him, and even I flinch under her glare. But then she turns it on me and I instinctively move to the spot beside him on the couch. “You two…ugh!”
“Daphne, we’re fine. We are two grown adults—“
“Who have clearly forgotten that you’ve made a vow of abstinence,” she practically yells.
“We keep ourselves in check.” I say defensively. This isn’t something that she has to worry about and she is making a big deal over nothing.
“But what happens if one day you don’t. Trust me, I understand all…” She waves an open hand in our general direction. “That. But…come on guys! This isn’t safe.”
“You’re right
.” Stephen concedes. He quickly stands up, creating some space in between us, and runs a hand through his hair.
“Thank you.” She throws her hands up in the air. I see a light bulb illuminate in the back of her brain and I immediately brace myself for whatever crazy scheme she’s thought up now. “You need…a three person policy or something. If you’re not in public, you have to have a third person with you at all times.”
I look at Stephen who is surprisingly nodding his head in agreement. He looks at me, face still flushed from our little moment on the couch, and nods again with more finality.
“I like it,” he says. He turns back to me, sitting on the edge of the spot he just left. He picks up my hands and pulls them to his mouth. “I respect you too much to let things keep going the direction they are. I want very much to do everything the right way, and if that means we need some parental-like supervision, then.” One side of his mouth curves up in an amused grin. “That’s what we’ll do. I won’t fight you on anything else about this wedding, except this.”
I think about each time we’ve found ourselves in a position where we’ve had to choose between what we want now and what we want most. We’ve done really well about remembering our promise, but I’d be lyingif I said it hasn’t been getting harder and harder to remember why we even made the pact to begin with.
“No fight. I agree.” I turn to Daphne then. “Does that mean you’re willing to leave your schedule open to help babysit us?”
“You bet your virgin butt I am. I’ll move in if I have to.”
“That won’t be necessary.” I know she’s not messing around, and so does Stephen, so he leans over and gives me one quick kiss, and tells me he lovess me before making his way out the door.
Daphne gives me one last motherly look before picking up the laptop she had apparently forgotten earlier.