by Lynda Aicher
But he wasn’t that man. Not anymore.
Not since Cali.
Guilt swam through him in a rippling wave of accusation. He dropped the cane, the stiff reed clattering to the floor in a soft tapping of wood on wood that seemed far louder than it should. Surprise echoed through the room, but Jake didn’t care. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go through with the Scene.
Cali was the only sub he wanted.
To finish this Scene would be equal to cheating on her. Not a true statement for all Doms, but for him—with Cali—that was exactly how he felt.
What the fuck was he doing?
Jake pushed through the sea of people. He needed air. Needed out of there. He stormed down the hall, thrusting open the back door and stepping into the freezing air of the night. His sweat-covered skin instantly chilled. He hunched over, hands clamping his knees as he tried to find his breath.
Shit. Shit. Shit. He couldn’t even be a Dom without her? Couldn’t do what he’d always done?
“You should wait ’til morning to drive back.”
Doug. Of course he’d followed. “How do you know I’m going back?”
“How dumb do you think I am, boy?” Doug stepped outside, letting the door slam behind him. “I’ve never seen you drop a Scene. You’ve spent your entire adult life as a Dom submerged in this world, running from your demons. This is the first time I’ve seen them catch you.”
Jake rounded on him, ready to fight. Ready to deny, just like he’d done with Seth. Like he always did. Anger fueled him, the only emotion he’d let in. But Doug didn’t move. The big man widened his stance, bracing for whatever Jake would do, his face grim and stern.
“What do you know?” Jake challenged, his fist clenched and ready to strike.
“I know you’ve been running from commitment since the day your parents died.”
Jake winced. Why did everyone keep talking about his parents?
“I know you blame yourself for their death and have done everything in your power to control every aspect of your life since that day.”
Jake backed away, suddenly afraid to hear the rest. Unwilling to go back. “You don’t know anything.”
Doug stepped forward, not letting Jake retreat. To run, as he’d always done. “Who dragged you in off the street? Who gave you a chance when everyone else had forgotten you? Who saw the man beneath the scared, defensive boy? Don’t tell me I don’t know, because we both know that’s a lie.”
The older man was in Jake’s face now, his breath hot and sharp against the chill surrounding them. Jake started to shake. He wanted to run, but his feet wouldn’t move.
“You didn’t cause your parents’ death.” Doug’s voice softened, but the hard core of belief was still there. “There are things in life that just happen. Things you have no control over. Things you can’t stop or change. You were ten when they died. There was nothing you could’ve done. It’s past time you accepted that.”
Jake twisted away, unable to hear any more. He dug his palms into his eyes, willing back the unaccustomed moisture that was suddenly there. It was as if Doug’s words had opened the steel door he’d locked all those old feeling behind. The ones he’d refused to acknowledge since he was turned over to the care of the state and began his penance in the foster care system.
“They trusted me,” he said. “They trusted me when I told them I was going to a friend’s. I broke that trust and they were killed coming to spring me from the police station. It was my fault.”
He’d been in fifth grade, having a sleepover at his best friend Cameron’s house. It was Cam’s older brother who’d urged them to come along. They’d felt so cool hanging with the older boys, to be included in their numbers. But it was Cam and Jake who’d gotten caught vandalizing the school, who hadn’t run fast enough.
“It was the drunk driver who killed them, not you,” Doug said.
“And they wouldn’t have been on the road if it wasn’t for me.”
The guilt burst forth in a large dose of anguish. There’d been no family members to take him in after his parents died and they’d left no will or stipulations on his care. So Jake ended up a ward of the state. A position that had been a daily reinforcement of what happened when you failed the ones you loved.
Doug’s hand came to rest on his shoulder. “You can’t control everything. The only thing you can ever truly control is how you react to the shit in your life. You couldn’t control the events with your parents, just like you couldn’t control them at the club. You couldn’t control how she reacted, but you do control your actions.” He released his shoulder and stepped toward the door. “The question is, are you going back to get her, or are you going to keep running?”
Fuck if the man wasn’t right. He’d been acting like a wounded child, running from what scared him instead of fighting for what he wanted.
Could he do it, though?
More importantly, did he even dare to try?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The snow was falling again, making the children excited and setting the Christmas spirit for everyone. After all, who could resist the pretty decorations, the sparkling lights, the uplifting sounds of seasonal music when it was all topped with a fresh layer of white stuff?
Cali waited for traffic then turned her car into the condo complex, thankful to be out of the chaos that always went with the insanity of holiday shopping. A trip she would have avoided if it wasn’t for the one package she had to have for that evening.
She made a quick glance at the black and red bag sitting so innocently on the passenger seat. Her stomach twisted at the sight. She hadn’t heard from Jake. But she was going to the club tonight, would keep going to the club until he came back. And that had meant buying an outfit that was right for the club. For him.
The first she’d actually bought specifically for him to replace the ones she’d so hastily thrown out last week.
She made her way through the maze of roads and parking spaces, one of the cons of owning a unit at the back of the large complex. But the privacy and distance from the main road was worth it. She made the last turn to her building and slammed on the breaks.
Parked in her driveway was a flashy black and blue motorcycle. Not a Harley, but one of those racing-style bikes. Her heart began an erratic beat, her eyes frantically scanning for the owner of the motorcycle.
Could it really be him? Did she dare hope?
Then she saw him. Jake. Sitting on her front steps, hands clasped as they draped over his knees. His focused on her.
She parked her car at the curb, quickly turning it off with shaking fingers. He’d come back. He was there. Waiting for her. At her house.
What did it mean?
Taking a deep, courage-boosting breath, Cali grabbed her package and purse then exited the safety of her vehicle. The snow fluttered around her face, the cold gripping her exposed skin. She looked at the ground, watching her footing as she walked over the slippery sidewalk, past his motorcycle and up the path to stop before him. Finally she lifted her head and met the deep silver gaze that held hers.
“Hi, Cali.” His voice rippled over her, warming her with the sound alone. A sound she’d been afraid she’d never hear again. His hair and jacket were covered in a layer of snow, indicating he’d been waiting a while.
“Hi, Jake,” she managed to answer, keeping her voice even. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” That was lame, but she couldn’t get out all of the things she’d been hoping to say.
He looked away, his hands clenching. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
He glanced back to her then slowly stood. His gaze held hers, his hands tentatively reaching out to brush her cheeks. His fingers were cold from the exposure, but the touch burned against her skin. “For what happened last Friday. For running. For not being here for you when I should have been.” He swallowed. “I never wanted to hurt you. I don’t know what to do, but I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back.”
Her hold
tightened on the thin cord of her bag, her last grip on stability. A snowflake drifted down to land on the edge of his eyelashes. He blinked rapidly, breaking the hold on the moment. She smiled and dared to hope for all that was forbidden in her life.
“I’m sorry too.” She bit her lip then forged on. “I’m so sorry for humiliating you like I did.”
“You didn’t—”
“I did,” she interjected, cutting him off. “Not on purpose. Not intentionally. But I realize now my actions on stage, throwing your collar back at you, was an awful thing to do.” Tears formed in her eyes, but she didn’t care. When she thought of the pain she’d caused him from her own stupidity, she wondered if he’d ever take her back. “I wasn’t thinking and I regret it so much.”
He stepped closer, his hands tightening around the back of her head. His eyes were dark and pained. “If I’d been thinking, I would have held on to you. I wouldn’t have let you go. I would have been there for you. I regret running.”
She closed her eyes, held back the tears and absorbed his words. Wanting, more than anything, to collapse into his arms and let it all be over. He was so close now; only a thin wisp of air separated them. His scent circled her, pulling her in with the enticing hint of the cold and him. But there were still things they needed to discuss. She opened her eyes and reached up to grip one of his wrists, holding tight to his strength and the hope that they would work things out.
“I know you didn’t do it. I know you didn’t make Peter be there.”
His head tipped forward. “But I shouldn’t have let him be there. It was my oversight that caused the mess.”
“How could you have known?” she pushed. “I took my maiden name back when we divorced. It was an ungodly coincidence no one was prepared for.”
He puffed out a breath then looked at her again. “How are you so understanding? What happened to change your mind?” There was a flash of hope on his face, but he still seemed resistant. Like he was holding something back or ready to bolt again.
She dropped her bag, the item forgotten in her need to claim Jake. To convince him to stay there with her. She rubbed up his chest, over his coat, the memory of his muscled chest singeing her mind. “I talked to Peter. We finally had an honest conversation about the lack of sex in our marriage and about why we were both at the club. We both wanted the other to be the sexual dominant but were too damn afraid to ever admit it.” She stepped closer, closing that final gap so they touched. Every nerve in her body was coiled and bound, waiting for him to respond.
“What do you want now?” His voice was hoarse, his hands fisting on the back of her head.
“You, Jake. I want you.”
“Why?” His voice was as doubting as the look in his eyes. “I can’t change who I am. I can give up the club, give up that life. But I will always be a Dom. Do you want that? Do you want that part of me too?” And there was the hope she was searching for. The one that let the butterflies loose to flutter from her stomach to her heart.
“Yes. More than anything. I want all of you. I want your world. What you give me. How you make me feel. I want to laugh with you. Be held by you. Cherished as I’ve only ever felt with you.”
His hands slid down her back to pull her tight against him. “And I want you. Not as a possession, but as my lover. My friend. My other half. I want you in my life. What do I have to do to get that?”
Her breath caught. Here was her big, demanding Dom asking her what she wanted. Almost begging her to take him back. After she’d shunned him. How was this possible? He probably could have ordered her to kneel and demanded she obeyed him. And she would, in a heartbeat. But instead, he was giving her the power. Giving her the choice.
Her heart burst open, letting all of the caged hope free to rush through her.
She reached up and stroked her fingertips over his soft, warm lips. She’d missed those lips, missed all of him so much. “I love you. You’re here. That’s all I need. I don’t need you to change. Don’t want you to change. I just want you.”
His lips were crushed to hers before she could think. Before she could even take a breath. And they felt so good. Hot and strong. Assertive as he claimed her mouth, her body and her heart. She opened to him and met the thrust of his tongue with all the need she’d been banking for the last week. All the desperation she’d contained when she thought she’d never see him again or taste that light hint of spice that was so him.
But he was there. Back. With her.
He leaned back just enough to breathe. “I love you, Cali. I thought I’d lost you. God.”
He kissed her again, his arms binding her to him, hands rubbing over her back, her hair, her arms like he couldn’t stop touching her. She reveled in the tangy scent of gas fumes that clung to him and the feel of him against her.
A brief second of sanity merged its way through the fog of her passion and she pulled back. “Let’s go inside before we give my neighbors a show.”
He backed up, chuckling. “You have Deklan as a neighbor. They might not be so surprised by us kissing.”
She dug in her purse for her keys, a smile plastered across her face. “It’s not the kissing I’m worried about.” She found the keys and moved around Jake to the door. “It’s what I want you to do to me after the kiss that I’m worried about.”
The keys were yanked out of her hand and shoved into the door a second later. He pushed the door open and guided her inside, slamming it shut behind him. Her back was against the wall, his lips hovering over her a breath later. “If what you want me to do has anything to do with what’s in the contents of this bag, then my dear submissive, I’m on it.”
Her bag. She’d left it outside, but obviously Jake had grabbed it. She bit her lip and looked at him from under her lashes. “I got it for you. But maybe it’s a Dominatrix outfit.”
He gave a low laugh. “Babe, you don’t have a dominant bone in you. But I’m willing to play along if that’s what you want.”
Just the thought of that turned her to mush. There was no way she’d ever want to be the Dominant, but the fact that he would let her meant everything. She closed the distance, peppering him with soft kisses that let her savor the slight roughness of his chapped lips and the harsher brush of his beard roughened jaw. His skin was cold against the heat of her lips, chilling but alive. She wanted to give him everything. Show him how much she wanted him.
Loved him.
Her purse clunked to the floor right before her coat was slipped off her arms. The need to touch him was almost overwhelming. She grabbed for his jacket but a large drop of icy water splashed on her face, shocking her into stopping. She jerked back, laughing.
“You need a towel.” She rubbed her hands through the melting snow clinging to his thick black hair.
He shook his head, spraying her like a shaking dog, making her duck and laugh some more.
She slipped off her boots then headed for the stairs, stopping on the bottom step to turn back to Jake. “Coming?” Then she took off, knowing he’d follow.
That he was with her.
* * *
Jake leaned against the wall and watched Cali disappear around the corner of the stairs. Her light laughter lingered behind as she raced away from him. But she wasn’t running from him, he knew that. His chest ached, unable to believe he had her back.
Shaking himself out of his stupor, Jake shucked his outerwear, leaving his damp and snow-covered clothing in a messy heap in the entrance way. He pulled off his fleece and rubbed it over his hair as he ascended the stairs, anxious to feel her. His cock was hard and throbbing, his need for her barely contained.
His hands stilled on the fly of his jeans as he entered her bedroom. She stood across the room at the entrance to the master bath, her eyes uncertain, hands fidgeting with the buttons on her cardigan sweater set. Her beauty stopped him as much as her sudden hesitation.
“How do you want me?”
He almost dropped to his knees at her question. He tossed the fleece aside and
stalked across the room to draw her into a crushing embrace. “I want you beneath me. On top of me. Around me. I want to fuck you until we both collapse from exhaustion. And then—” he skimmed his knuckles over her cheek, “—I want you beside me forever.”
Her mouth dropped open, a gasp leaving her lips. Her fingers raked through his wet hair. “So do I,” she whispered.
He claimed her pouty mouth in a kiss that poured out his soul. She tasted like coffee and peppermint. Like heaven and a drug more addictive than heroin.
And he’d almost lost her.
Never again.
He pulled her with him to the bed, his need to be in her overpowering everything else. He worked at the tiny buttons on her cardigan before he gave up and simply tugged it and the matching undersweater over her head. Her hands were under his thermal top, the heat of her palms stoking over his chest. He moaned and leaned into her touch.
Craving more, he got rid of his shirt before he paused to take her in. Her lips were swollen and red from kissing him, her hair slightly messed, her lacy red bra pushing the mounds of her breasts high with each breath she took. She moved her hands to the button of her jeans and his gaze followed their path.
That’s when he saw it.
He snapped his hand out, yanking her wrist up to hold it between them. He stared, his eyes transfixed on the sight of the infinity chain looped around her wrists. His heart snagged, the beat pausing before it jumped to a racing pace. “Where’d you get this?”
She seemed uncertain, her fist clenching as she tried to pull her arm from his grip. After a moment, she raised her chin and answered. “Seth gave it to me.”
“When?” he demanded. The last time he’d seen that chain, it was lying discarded on the stage.
“This week, when I went to the club looking for you.”
He whipped his head up and met her determined eyes.
“You wouldn’t answer your phone, so I went there to apologize, but you were gone. Instead, I got drilled by Seth and Deklan. Evidently I said something right, because Seth placed the chain on my wrist before I left.” She looked at the object in question, her voice dropping. “He said it was mine. That I should keep it until you returned.”