And then, out of the corner of my eye, I spot them. Tristan and Tea. Dancing to Taylor Swift. Shit.
“Hey. Hey, Alice!” Juliet tugs at my arm. I look up at her.
“You’ve been staring at them for close to a minute.”
I roll my eyes. “So?”
“So? I want to remind you about a little promise that you made to me. To kiss someone tonight? Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I remember. But the night’s young,” I say.
“It may very well be. But it won’t stay that way if you waste your time staring at your ex and his new girlfriend.”
“Oh, shut up.” I turn on my heels and walk away. I make a big show of leaving, but I’m only partly kidding. I’m glad that she’d pulled me out of my trance. Now I just need a moment to regroup.
The door to one of the rooms is partly ajar. Perfect! I need some privacy. I push the door open and enter a large, spacious office. I look around at the gorgeous built-in shelving that lines three walls of the room.
“There’s so much mahogany in this space, it makes me wonder if there’s any left in Central America,” Dylan says.
“Oh my God, you scared me!” I jump. “Sorry I’m in here. I was just getting a little claustrophobic out there.”
“Yeah, seeing your ex with a date would do that, huh?” he smiles. I know Dylan means well, but sometimes he can be such an asshole.
“And why are you hiding out?” I ask. He shrugs and comes closer to me.
Man, he really is good looking. He’s got well-defined arms and a strong jaw. Kind eyes.
“I like your hair like that,” he says, looking at me. I usually wear my hair up in a ponytail or a loose bun, but today I’m wearing it down per Juliet’s instructions. I’m also wearing lipstick. Shimmery and pink. It feels sticky, but it does make my lips pop.
I smile and flutter my eyelashes like I’m some sort of 1960s movie star or Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. But I don’t do it on purpose. Earlier that evening, Juliet had glued on my first pair of false lashes and they’re so heavy that I can barely lift up my eyelids.
Behind Dylan is a wall of track and field trophies.
“Wow, are all those yours?” I ask. A big smile sweeps over his whole face, lighting up the room.
“No, not all. Some of these are my dad’s. He ran in high school and college, too.”
His words glow with pride. But then a tinge of disappointment sets in.
“Families are complicated, aren’t they?” I say. He knows that I know a little bit about what had happened between him and his father. And he has made no secret of the fact that his father is in Europe and this party is taking place without his consent.
“It’s funny how similar we are, really. How much we have in common and how much we still don’t get about each other,” he says.
“Maybe the things that you don’t get about each other are the things that you don’t fully understand about yourself. Perhaps that’s what makes it so hard,” I say.
“Maybe.” He shrugs and changes the subject. “Agh, enough about the disappointment that I am to my father. This is a fucking party, right? Are you having a good time?”
“Definitely.” I nod and take a gulp of my drink. “Oh so, I meant to ask. How’s Peyton?”
The expression on Dylan’s face falls a bit, but not so much that I really pay much attention to it.
“She’s good.” He shrugs. “She couldn’t make it tonight. Had some school thing come up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about that. Well, thanks for having me here to celebrate with you!”
I throw my arms around his neck and give him a brief hug. And suddenly, something changes. It’s uncanny how it’s possible to enter a moment thinking you’re on a plane of existence and then find yourself on an entirely different plane altogether. Well, that is precisely what had happened.
I hugged Dylan as a friend and a roommate. And in our brief moment, a thought popped into my head. What if I kiss him? And when I pulled away, I no longer saw Dylan, my roommate and my friend. Instead, that Dylan had somehow morphed into an entirely different creature: a crush.
And then I did something even more insane then simply think a crazy thought.
Before I pull away completely, I lean in and press my lips onto his. He tastes of vodka and olives and his lips are soft and warm. At first touch, there’s a moment of hesitation. I feel his body questioning what’s going on and wait for him to push me away. But he surprises me. Dylan takes me in his arms and presses his body close to mine. When he runs his coarse tongue on the inside of my lips, my legs feel as if they’d fallen asleep.
* * *
“You kissed Dylan? Dylan? Our roommate, Dylan?” Juliet asks back in our room at 5 o’clock in the morning. I have no memory of getting home, I don’t even know if we’d taken the subway or a cab, but I remember everything about that kiss.
“Hey, I promised that I’d kiss someone tonight, right? Well, I did,” I say, flipping over on my side to face her.
“When I made you make that promise, I wanted you to kiss someone new. Not another one of our roommates.”
“Well, you should’ve been more specific.” I smile.
“Okay, fine.” Juliet rolls her eyes. “Do what you want. I just don’t want you to get hurt, right? You know that I’m just looking out for you.”
“You don’t need to look out for me,” I say. “Dylan’s a nice guy. You know that.”
“Yes, I know that. I also know that his girlfriend of 2 years, Peyton, had just broken up with him today. On his birthday. So he’s not someone who’s in the best state of mind to start up with at this point.”
Juliet goes on and on, but I stop listening after she mentions Peyton.
Peyton. Of course, Peyton.
I had completely forgotten about Peyton. About the very existence of her.
“They broke up?” I ask. I can’t believe that they’d broken up.
But then again, she did tell me that they did have the tendency to break up and make up.
As if she knows what I’m thinking, Juliet says, “It looks like it might be for good this time.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if their break up is a good thing. I don’t know if I want them to still be together. Either way it’s complicated.
“Okay, fine, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” I finally admit. I half expect Juliet to gloat, but she surprises me. Instead of reveling in being right, she just sends me a sympathetic look.
“On the other hand,” she says, “it was just a kiss right? No big deal.”
Yeah, maybe not. Except that it is. Dylan is the first person whom I’ve kissed since kissing Tristan exclusively, for two years.
Well, except for that other guy…
18
His name was Darren. I was a senior in high school. Tristan and I had been in a long distance relationship for seven months and Darren was my partner in AP Physics. We had gone to the same school for four years, but I’d only met him that January. In fact, I’d never even seen him before. He swore that he had seen me, but I wasn’t so sure.
Darren had short dark hair, the color of roasted chestnuts, and disarming blue eyes. Unlike Tristan, he was quiet and somewhat shy. He never made witty comments or jokes in class. He rarely raised his hand, let alone answer questions directly, without being asked.
He was basically the opposite of everything that I loved about Tristan. And yet, I found myself inexplicably drawn to him. During the first month, I loved how he had made me laugh and appreciated his friendship. Somewhere, in the middle of February, around Valentine’s Day, I started to feel something more.
The night before our project was due, I stayed late while we put on the finishing touches on the presentation. After going over it one last time, we decided to celebrate with some of his dad’s bourbon. After drinking a full glass of bourbon, our inhibitions were somewhat relaxed. Even now, I don’t know how it happened. But suddenly, he leaned close to me. He brushed
a few strands of hair out of my face and kissed me.
I had been lying to myself about my feelings for Darren for some time. Tristan was gone and I was lonely. And Darren…well, he was around. He was funny. And sarcastic. And cute. But mostly, he was just around. I had no overwhelming desire to be with him and, I hate to admit it, but if Tristan was still around, I wouldn’t have given Darren a second thought. But I hadn’t seen Tristan in person for a long time, and it felt nice to have someone’s arms around me.
Darren and I made out for close to an hour. It never went further than just kissing. He grabbed my butt once, but I pushed him away. It was just the kissing that I had craved. And with my eyes closed, I was transformed to another time and place where Tristan and I were together and everything between us was fine.
I heard his mom’s hurried footsteps coming down the stairs before she came in and pulled away from Darren just in time. She only wanted to ask if we were hungry and disappeared back upstairs after hearing that we weren’t, but that was enough to break my trance.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this,” I said to Darren. “I have a boyfriend.”
His disappointment brought pain to his face, but I had bigger things to worry about. I had cheated on Tristan.
That night, I couldn’t sleep a wink. The second night, I tossed and turned and had a nightmare that Tristan had met someone else. The following day, I decided to tell Tristan.
I told him everything. How I met Darren. How were assigned to be partners. How we had started hanging out. And finally, I told him about our kiss. Our very long kiss. For more than a moment, I was tempted to keep the length of our kiss out of it. But a pang of pain throbbed through my body, and I decided to tell him everything. No half-truths. The whole truth.
Tristan listened carefully. He asked questions. I cried and sobbed and told him how sorry I was. I could hear the pain that I’d caused him on the phone. I felt awful, but also relieved. I had unburdened myself, selfishly. And burdened him in return.
“I need some time to think about this, Alice,” he finally said. There was an unfamiliar tone in his voice. It echoed of disappointment and defeat. I’d never heard it before and a crippling pain closed in around my throat.
“I’m so, so sorry,” I managed to get out before he hung up.
That night was the longest night of my life. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t even bother to change into my pajamas. I simply lay on my bed, curled up in the fetal position, and waited. Time passed quickly. And then slowly. It had no meaning to me anymore. What if this is it? I wondered. What if we’re over? The very thought of that frightened me beyond belief. But why was I so scared? Not just because I loved Tristan. But also because Tristan and I were a couple. And we had been together for so long that I no longer knew who I was without him.
The following morning, Tristan called me. He said that he was hurt, but that he still wants to be with me. That we would get through this.
A huge wave of relief swept over my whole body. His words lifted the ten-thousand-pound truck off my shoulders.
I had been unfaithful and I would never do it again. All I wanted was a second chance. And I had gotten it. I was off the hook. Everything was going to be okay now, I thought naively.
But the thing is that a relationship’s like a vase. Once it’s dropped and gets a chip in it, it can be repaired. Fixed. And the damage can be covered up. But the crack and the memory of the damage remain. And it will always be a little weaker in the place of the original crack.
19
The first thing he does is wink at me with those intense brown eyes.
“So, here you are in New York City. Finally,” he says.
It’s October and the leaves are starting to change. The entire city is soggy and putting off a strong pungent smell of decomposing plant matter. The sidewalks glisten from the light rain, which has been falling all afternoon. Headlights flood Broadway, blinding me at every step.
Nick Thomas, our childhood friend, walks behind me. I’d known about his plan for a visit for some time, but the day still crept up on me, leaving me unprepared. Nick has been one of Tristan’s best friends since middle school and I’ve known of Nick for many years. But it was only in the last two years of high school that we’d really gotten close. Nick is tall and lanky, close to 6’4’’ and only 170 pounds. He came to campus in a cab and I waited outside my building to let him up.
Nick’s not wearing a coat. The temperature is in the low 50s, but he’s only wearing a light sweater, jeans, and flip-flops. I’m about to ask him why when I remember that he never really wore a coat. He took some unusual pride in the fact that he never got cold, no matter how cold it was outside.
When we enter the living room, Tristan, Dylan, and Juliet are there waiting. Tristan gives him a warm hug and takes care of the introductions. After a dinner of pizza for the guys and salad and soup for Juliet and I, we all decide to go out to Lion’s Head Tavern, a bar on Amsterdam Avenue. It’s Tristan and Dylan’s favorite mainly because it’s a dive bar that serves greasy food and accepts poorly-made fake IDs. Nick doesn’t have one, but luckily the bouncer doesn’t card him. Too tall, probably, I decide.
“So where do you go to school?” Dylan asks.
“Just a local school. Cal State Northridge. I live at home,” Nick says with a sigh. “Agh, I’m so jealous of you two. Your dorm is amazing. And you get to live with girls. Imagine that.”
Tristan’s had a couple of drinks already. “Well, not just girls. My ex-girlfriend,” he jokes. I’ve had two drinks as well and laugh along with everyone else.
“Yes, things could’ve been better.”
“Oh please, you two have been friends forever. This is just a blip in your otherwise smooth relationship.” Nick waves his hand.
Tristan and I exchange looks. I hope that he’s right.
“So how are your folks?” I ask. I’ve always loved Mrs. Thomas. Practically every night that we’ve spend hanging out in Nick’s basement, she came downstairs with a batch of freshly baked cookies.
“Fine. The same.” He shrugs.
“So what’s it like to keep living at home?” Dylan asks. “Do you still have a curfew or anything? Or can you do pretty much anything you want?”
“A curfew?” I smile. “When was the last time you had a curfew, Dylan? When you were twelve?”
“Yeah, I think about that. But I’ve heard that some parents can be sticklers for those.”
I shake my head. Nick laughs and then says, “No, no curfew really. It’s just not as fun. No one to hang out with in the evenings. Mainly because everyone at school is hanging out with people in their dorms.”
“That sucks,” Tristan says.
No one says anything for a moment as we try to imagine what that must be like. I feel bad for Nick. He’s missing out on what college has to offer and the worst thing is that he knows it.
“Why don’t you move to campus next semester?” Dylan suggests.
Nick shrugs. “I can’t.”
“Why?” Juliet asks.
Tristan and I exchange an uncomfortable look. It’s so obvious to us. But not them.
“Money,” Nick finally says.
“But can’t you apply for some sort of financial aid?” Dylan asks.
“You rich kids always think that they’re some sort of solution that the rest of us haven’t thought of, don’t you?” Nick says. Everyone’s taken aback by his tone.
“Hey, I didn’t mean it that way,” Dylan says.
“My parents make too much money for most financial aid and not enough to actually pay for the dorm. At least, they think it’s too much,” he says. “And I do, too.” He adds after a moment.
No one knows what to say after that. Awkwardness fills the air like a noxious gas. And no one can breathe. Not even the person who let it out.
Eventually, we head back to the dorm. Tristan and Nick trail behind as Juliet, Dylan, and I walk ahead, just fast enough that it doesn’t quite look like we’re rushing.
&
nbsp; “Hey, I’m sorry about Dylan,” I hear Tristan say. “His parents have a lot of money. He doesn’t really get it.”
“No worries,” Nick says.
“He’s not really a bad guy. He just found out that his girlfriend is in love with her Resident Advisor so he’s been kind of a dick since then,” Tristan adds.
Peyton’s in love with her R.A.? The thought echoes in my mind as we head out of earshot.
“How long is he staying again?” Dylan asks me in the elevator.
“Um, a couple of days, I think,” I say. “Listen, he’s not really a bad guy. He was just on a long flight and…”
I find myself repeating Tristan’s words except that, unlike him, I don’t really have a good excuse. Nick was a dick. Dylan didn’t mean anything by what he said and he had no right to get upset or talk like that.
Dylan just shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. I was just wondering.”
20
I wake up in the middle of the night and tiptoe to the bathroom. I don’t usually have to tiptoe, but Nick’s sleeping on our couch and I don’t want to wake him. On my way back, just as I think I’m in the clear, I hear him.
“Alice? Alice?”
“Sorry to wake you,” I say. “I’m just going back to my room.”
“No, it’s okay. I wasn’t asleep. Hey, come here for a second.”
I don’t want to. I’m tired and sleepy. It’s pitch black and my eyes have yet to adjust. But I walk up to the couch.
“Hey, we didn’t really get a chance to talk much tonight,” he says and moves his feet so that I have room to sit down.
“Yeah I know,” I say.
When Nick first texted me and told me that he was coming, I was excited. I was looking forward to it. But now that he is here, everything is different. Things feel off. Awkward. I’d known him for so long and yet he is a stranger. How is that even possible?
One Year (New & Lengthened Edition) Page 7