He drives slowly alongside of me.
“C’mon, Alice. Stop fucking around. Get in,” he says through the rolled down window.
I shake my head.
“Why are you here?” I yell. Partly because of the howling wind. And partly because I’m mad at him. “Are you stalking me?”
“Why are you here?” he yells back. Clearly, not answering my questions. “If you’re having such a good time with Simon, why are you walking down the road all alone in the middle of the night?”
“Fuck you!”
“C’mon, Alice. Please, get in.” The tone in his voice changes. He’s pleading now. But my heart remains cold. My pride stands strong.
“I don’t need you to stalk me, Tristan. I’m fine,” I say.
I expect our banter to keep going until I reach the train station. I can use an escort. It is cold and dark and windy. And I am scared of being all alone out here. But then it doesn’t.
“Fine,” Tristan yells and drives away. The screeching of the tires as he pulls away breaks my heart.
“No, no, no,” I say, watching him disappear into the darkness. “Please don’t go.”
But I don’t run after the car. I stop, stand there like a statue. Unable to move. A feeling of inevitable doom spreads through my body. Regret. Why didn’t I just get into his car? Why did I have to be so stupid? He came all the way here. He was here to help. He loves you. Why did I have to be so cold? So unforgiving? A million other things that I should’ve said and done run through my mind.
I look out into the distance. Waiting for him to return. But he doesn’t. He’s gone. Really gone.
I take a deep breath.
You can only depend on yourself in life. There’s no one else. Definitely not some guy.
A set of headlights from across the road blinds me and disappears. The car makes a U-turn across the road and pulls up next to me.
“Tea and I broke up,” Tristan yells through the open window.
42
This time he doesn’t have to coax me inside. Neither of us says another word as I climb into the passenger seat. I don’t get in because of what he said. I would’ve gotten in if he had said that he hated me. It’s not every day that you get the chance to right the wrong decision that you’d just made. And I didn’t need any more signs that this is what I had to do.
As I pull up the window, the warmth of the air inside puts me at ease. Heat is coming out from the seat. I start to warm up from the inside out.
“Will you take me to the train station?” I ask.
“Why? I’m going back home.”
“I think I’d like to go to the train station,” I say. I don’t have a good reason. I don’t want to go back with him. There’s something about this. If I let him take me home, he’ll be my knight in shining armor. Or something like that.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” he asks.
“Will you take me there or not?” I ask. He grunts and gives something like a shrug.
We drive in silence for a few moments. It’s deafening. We used to be able to hang out in the same room for hours and not talk without feeling uncomfortable. But now, everything’s different.
“And by the way, what were you thinking back there?” Tristan asks. The tone of his voice is accusatory. Angry. “What if I hadn’t come back for you? You know, you and your dumb pride. It’s going to get you killed.” He shakes his head. “It’s okay to admit that you need help sometimes, you know that? It’s okay to feel lost. You don’t have to do everything on your own all the time.”
Tristan continues his lecture. He’s not much of a talker. He tends to keep things bottled up most of the time, behind a door with a big lock on it. A lock that I don’t have a key to. And listening to his lecture puts a smile on my face. I know that he cares about me. But it’s not every day that I get actual confirmation of that fact.
“What? Why are you smiling? I’m really mad at you, Alice.”
I nod. “I know. You’re right,” I say.
“I’m right? Wait, what?” He slows down to stop.
“What are you doing?”
“I have to memorialize this moment in stone. I don’t think I’ve been right, well, in ever.”
“Well, you better savor it then,” I laugh. “I’m not sure if you’re going to be right again anytime soon.”
We start driving again.
“And what were you thinking coming here?” I ask. “I mean, what if everything between Simon and me was fine? What if I hadn’t confronted him?”
“I would’ve just stayed there.” He shrugs. “I wanted to make sure that you were okay.”
“Stayed there? Where?”
“In the parking lot.”
“The whole weekend?”
“Maybe.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t really have a plan.”
I roll my eyes. Don’t say anything for a bit.
“I had no idea that this was going to happen. I was just coming to talk to you. That’s all,” he says after a while. He’s looking straight ahead. Strands of hair fall into his face. He tucks them behind his ear. “I don’t want you to think I was some sort of stalker,” Tristan adds.
“I know that.”
“And then I saw you leave. So I followed you.”
I nod. That makes sense.
Neither of us says a word for a while. And then I remember something he had said.
“What happened with you and Tea?” I ask.
Tristan shrugs, shakes his head. He looks straight ahead. I know that he’s avoiding eye contact with me.
“Tristan?” I can’t let it go. I’m going to see her and I need to know what I should expect.
“We broke up,” he says. He shrugs again, the kind of shrug that makes me certain that it wasn’t good. “I’m not sure if it’s a breakup since we weren’t really seeing each other officially, but whatever.”
“What do you mean?”
“We weren’t officially dating. Is it a break up if there’s nothing to break?”
“Did she know that?” I ask.
“Not you too.” He looks straight at me. “Yes, I was very clear with her about that.”
“She didn’t seem like she was when we spoke,” I say.
Tristan shakes his head. Annoyed.
“So why did you break it off?” I ask. I’m very careful about not saying ‘break up.’
“I didn’t. She did,” he says.
“What?” I ask. That’s hard to believe. Tea was really smitten with him. Why would she do this?
“She said that she didn’t want to be in an ill-defined relationship. She wanted more. Either we were together, exclusive, or we weren’t. And I couldn’t give her that.”
I ask him why even though I know the answer.
We stop at the light. He turns all the way toward me in his seat. Looks straight into my eyes. I see an image of the red stop light in his eyes, and wonder if he can see them in mine.
“You’re a hard act to follow, Alice,” Tristan says quietly.
Shivers run down my spine. The tips of my fingers get cold. Then go numb. I don’t know what he means. No, that’s not true. I do. I have my suspicions, but I don’t dare assume. I don’t want to know.
“What,” I start. My throat is raspy and the word comes out broken in half. “What are you talking about?” I try again.
The light turns green. He drives out of the intersection and pulls over to the side of the road.
“What are you doing? Why are you stopping?” I ask quickly. I feel myself going into a panic over what might happen and over what might not.
“I want to tell you something,” Tristan says quietly.
I don’t look away from the front windshield even as Tristan turns to face me again.
“Alice? Turn to me. Please,” he says, touching my hand. I recoil from his touch. I take a deep breath. Quiet my pounding heart. And turn to face him.
“I love you,” he says, slowly allowing each word its time and space.
“What?” I mumble.
“I love you, Alice,” he says again. I try to read his face. It’s blank. All I see is how much his sun-kissed skin has faded in the bleakness of a New York fall.
“I love you, too,” I say a little too quickly.
It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either. I’m not sure what he meant for his ‘I love you.’ I love you as a friend. I love you like I used to. I love you and want to get back together. I love you and I want to be friends. We sit there in silence for a bit. It seems like we should kiss, but the moment isn’t right. There’s a distance between us. Filled with all the things that have been unsaid. All the things that should be explained.
Slowly, Tristan starts the car again and puts it in drive. We drive the rest of the way to the train station as strangers.
43
The parking lot is empty and Tristan parks right up front near the handicapped sign.
“I’ll walk you inside,” he says as I get out.
“No need,” I say, but he ignores me. I don’t stop him. We walk together into the train station. It’s small and deserted. There are only a few chairs arranged in a circle along the walls. There’s no one at the ticket counter. I check the large electronic schedule board behind the counter. A train going back to the city will come in twenty-five minutes.
I go to the ticket machine and buy a one-way ticket.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come back with me?” he asks as I press ‘buy.’ I shake my head, no.
“I’ll just meet you there,” I say. “Thanks for coming out, though. Really. I really appreciate it.”
Tristan stares down at his shoes. They’re an old pair of sneakers with no shoelaces that he has had for years. He doesn’t wear them often. I know that they’re his go-to shoes when he needs to be comfortable.
“How long have you had those shoes?” I smile. “Since tenth grade, at least.”
“Ninth.” He nods his head. When our eyes meet, his sparkle under the harsh fluorescence in the room.
“Are you ever going to get rid of them?” I ask.
“Are you ever going to get rid of Bear?”
My breath gets lodged in my throat and I cough. Bear is an old teddy bear that I’ve had since I was a little girl. I don’t play with him anymore. He’s too old and fragile, but he sits on top of my dresser and I hold him whenever I feel lost or confused or lonely.
“No, of course not!” I gasp.
“Ever hear that a pot shouldn’t be calling a kettle black?” he jokes.
“Fair enough,” I smile.
I’m suddenly at ease. I know that Tristan and I are going to be okay. Friends. For real this time. I know that he wasn’t lying when he said that he loved me. And I definitely wasn’t. What happens to love after love? I wonder. Maybe this. This friendship that’s a little bit more than just friendship. Something a little bit deeper. Closer. More unusual.
“Oh hey, you said that you wanted to talk to me about something. Back in the car. What did you want to talk to me about?” I ask.
“Just about us. About how I miss you.”
“You miss me?”
He nods. I feel his gaze on my lips. He takes a step closer to me. I feel his soft breath on my cheek. We’re standing so close to one another that it would require more energy to pull away than to pull closer together. Suddenly, he catches himself.
“You know, I miss being friends. I’m sorry about the masquerade ball. I should’ve told you the truth. I was an asshole for not wanting to take her. That’s why I’m not rushing the frat. I don’t want to be that guy.”
I nod.
The moment passes. I take a step back. The magnetic force pulling us close together, into a kiss, vanishes.
“Okay, I’ll see you at home,” I say and turn to walk to the ticket counter.
Tristan grabs my hand. He pulls me close to him.
His eyes search mine.
He pushes my hair out of my face and kisses me.
Tristan presses his lips onto mine. Softly at first. As if he’s asking permission. It takes me a moment to realize what’s going on. When I do, I kiss him back.
The fire between us gets stronger.
He runs his tongue across mine.
I bury my hands in his hair.
He wraps his arms around my waist. He searches for the place where my shirt ends and then grabs my back with his hand. The touch of his skin on mine is exhilarating. Shivers run down my whole body. I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I kiss him harder and he breathes air into my lungs.
“Please don’t take the train,” he whispers. “Come home with me.”
We kiss for a few more moments. It isn’t awkward like most first kisses. Tristan knows just how to kiss me. He knows that I love feeling his breath on my neck. He knows that I love when he nibbles at my earlobes. He knows that I love it when he buries his hands in my hair and pulls on it lightly. And he knows a lot more things than this. A lot more than what we can do in a public train station, even if it is deserted.
* * *
We hold hands and kiss all the way back to the car. I don’t remember agreeing to not take the train, but that hardly matters. He opens the car door for me and continues to kiss me as I get into the seat. I watch him run around the car and hop in the driver’s side.
“I forgot how good you smell,” he says, inhaling the air.
I laugh. He hasn’t spoken to me like this in a long time. I look at him. It’s as if he’s enchanted.
“It’s probably just my shampoo.” I shrug and touch my hair instinctively.
Tristan looks me over up and down, as if he’s performing some sort of complicated analysis in his head. Then he grabs my head and pulls me toward his nose. Gently.
“Hey!” I pull away, but not before he inhales me.
“Your hair smells nice; raspberry, right?”
I nod.
“But no, that’s not it.” Tristan shakes his head. “There’s this powerful smell of vanilla and something else,” he adds.
Finally, I give in. I smile and admit that it’s my perfume. Victoria Secret’s Noir Tease.
“Noir Tease? Really? Alice Summer, oh my!” he jokes.
I point to the source of the scent. My wrists. He picks up my hands with his and brings them to his mouth. Carefully, he kisses one wrist and then the other.
“And when did you start wearing perfume?” he asks.
“About a month ago.” I shrug. “It smelled nice. Plus, it comes with this little pump. I hate to admit it, but I feel like a real woman using the little pump to put on perfume.”
“I love it,” he says.
He kisses me on the mouth again, parting my lips with his tongue. At first, the kiss is reserved. Chaste. Nice. But it quickly starts morphing into something else. A fire starts to build somewhere deep within me. I want to rip off his clothes and press his body against mine. Tristan’s breathing quickens. When my hand brushes against his leg, I can tell that he’s getting really excited.
His hands run down my shirt and then go underneath. Flesh to flesh. My breaths speed up along with my heartbeat. With one quick motion, he unfastens my bra and my breasts are freed. His hand brushes along my belly button and then goes up. Higher and higher.
“Wait,” I whisper. He doesn’t stop immediately.
“Wait, wait,” I say louder and pull away.
“What’s wrong?” he asked with a deeply disappointed look on his face.
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “Not a thing. Except that I don’t want to do it here. We’re not in high school anymore. We have our own place.”
I wait for him to get mad, but he just shrugs. Nods.
“Are you sure? How about for old times’ sake?” he asks.
I shake my head no, trying to fit the clasps of my bra back together.
In high school, we used to do it all the time in cars. His car. My car. Our friends’ cars. There were many discreet places where teenagers had sex late at night,
in cars. Our high school’s parking lot. Other high schools’ parking lots. Elementary and middle school parking lots. The library parking lot. Empty office buildings’ parking lot.
We’ve spent many hours in empty parking lots. Sometimes with friends. Drinking if one of us was able to score some beer or wine. Sometimes with our significant others.
“Hey, do you remember that library parking lot near my house?” Tristan asks.
“Which time?” I ask.
We spent many long evenings there. Unlike the office and the school parking lots, the library was almost never patrolled. It was Tristan’s and mine little secret, too. We didn’t dare share it with any of our friends out of fear that word would get out and our private spot would become public knowledge.
“Remember what happened to Rachel Prince?” he asks.
“How could I forget?” I laugh. “Whenever I think about having sex in a car, I think about her.”
“Really?” he scrunches up his face in disgust. “And how often do you think about having sex in cars?”
“Okay, that came out wrong.” I smile. “You know what I mean.”
Rachel Prince was in our grade and we were all close friends in 11th grade. A cop caught her and her boyfriend at the time having sex in an empty office park. But instead of just letting them go with a warning or giving them a citation, he made them get out of the car and stand next to it completely naked while he looked through their identification. When it was 20 degrees outside!
“At least they were still wearing their shoes,” Tristan jokes.
Rachel’s incident went around school like a scary story intended only for teenagers. Almost everyone, it seemed, stopped messing around for a couple of weeks. Long enough for the shock to wear off and the hormones to kick in, I guess.
“I can’t believe that he actually took them to the station and made them wait there for their parents to pick them up. What an asshole.” Tristan shakes his head.
“At least they got to put their clothes back on,” I say.
One Year (New & Lengthened Edition) Page 16