I stay out late this evening. I know he won’t be home and I just don’t feel like sitting around my dorm room all day, staring at the walls. Or reading a million BuzzFeed articles and making extra boards to pin more curious but completely unimportant things on Pinterest.
I stop by the coffee shop that Tea and I frequent often and order a cup of green tea.
“Hey!” I hear a familiar voice.
“Hi Tristan,” I say, turning around and forcing myself to smile. What the hell is he doing here?
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“Just getting some tea, and you?”
“My class got cancelled. So I thought I’d waste some time here,” he says with a shrug. “Oh man, I haven’t seen you in forever!”
Tristan puts his arms around me. His body feels warm and firm, comforting. And for a moment, I’m transported to another time. When we were still together and in love. When everything in the world was right. And nothing could break us up.
“You smell so nice,” he whispers, giving me a chaste peck on the cheek.
He leans over to kiss my lips, but I turn my head away. I move away from him. My whole body tenses when he puts his arm on the small of my back and doesn’t remove it. Eventually, I just take a step to the side to get myself some space.
“Listen, I’m glad you’re here,” he says.
His face looks serious. Tristan furrows his brows and his eyes look earnest and under control. It’s as if he can stop them from twinkling just by willing them so.
“I can’t stay,” I say.
“Alice, please.” Tristan takes my hand. “I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I haven’t seen you much since…that happened. And I really need to talk.”
“No, I really can’t.” I shake my head and turn to leave.
“You don’t have any more classes today, Alice. You’re just avoiding me,” he says. The desperation in his voice makes me sick to my stomach. Against my better judgement, I turn around and sit down across from him.
“Thank you,” he says, picking up my hand and kissing the back of it. As if he’s some sort of servant. As if I’m some sort of princess.
“What do you want to talk about?” I ask. My voice is distant and austere. I’m trying to make it as impersonal as possible. As if that can save me.
“Us,” he says. This time, his eyes twinkle. The light washes over my body as if it’s my conscience making me feel even more horrible than I already do. I wait for him to continue. I’m afraid that I’m going to start crying if I utter even a word. My throat closes up from the pain and my mouth runs dry.
“I’m so, so sorry about everything that happened, Alice,” Tristan says. He takes my hands in his and looks me straight in the eye. At first I try to resist, but I can’t avoid his eye contact no matter where I turn. He forces me to lock eyes with him.
“I was a real asshole,” Tristan continues. “I don’t want to excuse any of my behavior, but I was under a lot of stress. I had this intense Macroeconomics problem set due, which I couldn’t do at all. And I was swamped at work. And we had that fight. Oh, it was so stupid.”
I nod and try to look away. When he notices my gaze moving, he takes my chin with his hand and points my head back at him.
“What I’m trying to say, Alice, is that I love you. I’m not confused anymore. I know what I want.”
“And what’s that?” I ask. I can’t believe what he’s saying. It sounds like words. Familiar words. But they don’t make any sense in that order.
“I want to be with you, silly.” He smiles.
“Um,” I start to say. I don’t even know where to begin.
“Please, Alice.” Tristan’s eyes plead with mine. “I love you. And I know I hurt you again, but I want to make it up to you.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“I know you love me too,” he says, kissing my fingertips. “I just know it. I can feel it now.”
Oh, if only it was this simple. Of course I love you, I want to say. But that’s not all that matters. There’s more to it. There’s all this complicated life stuff. All the things that make love so impossible and complex and difficult to handle.
“I love you, too,” I say. I don’t know what else to say. I want to tell him something true. For a second, I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to be a fraud. Every moment we’ve had together has felt like an un-truth ever since we got back from Atlantic City.
“That’s great,” Tristan’s eyes light up. But I shake my head. “What? What’s wrong?” he asks.
Tell him. Tell him now. Tell him that you accidentally married his roommate. He’ll forgive you. If you tell him now. I open my mouth to say it. But nothing comes out.
“I’m not sure that’s enough,” I say.
“Of course it is, Alice,” Tristan says. He moves over to my side of the table. There’s warmth pouring out of him, actual heat, and it wraps me in a warm blanket of love. He puts his arm around my shoulder, lifting up my head. He presses his lips onto mine. I want to push him away. He doesn’t know what a horrible person I am and how wrong it is for him to love me. But I don’t. I can’t. I want to stay in this moment forever. I don’t know if it will come again.
“Love is all there is, Alice,” Tristan says through the kiss. I can feel a wide smile form on his lips. “Don’t you know that?”
“No, there are other things. Things that complicate love,” I say, pulling away from him. And if you knew what I did, you wouldn’t think that love is all there is, I say to him silently, in my own head.
“No.” He kisses me again, parting my lips with his and running his tongue over mine. “All you need is love. That’s all anyone needs.”
“That sounds nice,” I say with a smile.
“What’s wrong, Alice?” Tristan says. His face grows more serious. Concerned.
“Nothing.” I shrug. Just tell him. Open your mouth and say, so this is what happened that weekend we went to Atlantic City. We got really drunk, and I mean really drunk, and Dylan and I accidentally got married. But it was just an accident. We’re going to get an annulment. Everything’s going to be okay. Let’s just pretend that everything is the way it was. Like this never happened. I mean, all you need is love, right? And you love me and I love you. That’s all you have to say. Just start talking.
“Alice?” Tristan asks again.
“I don’t know, Tristan,” I finally manage to say. “Everything is so complicated now. I don’t know if we can just go back to the way things were.”
“But why? I want to. And I can see that you want to, too,” he says with a hopeful look on his beautiful face. I inhale and breathe out slowly. So what if I did? What if I just moved on with this from this moment forward? Wouldn’t that be something? But, of course, I can’t. I wouldn’t. It would be too wrong.
“Okay.” I nod my head. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
“Okay?” Tristan asks. I can see that he can barely believe his ears. “Seriously? You want to get back together?”
“Yes.” I nod. “I love you. Very much. More than anything.”
“Oh my God, Alice.” Tristan wraps himself around me. I can feel him smelling the top of my head as he hugs me. And I feel his body shaking next to mine.
“I love you,” he whispers as he pulls away.
When I look up at him, I see a few tiny tears building up at the bottom of his eyelids. Tristan isn’t much of a crier. I’ve only seen him cry on two occasions—once when his grandmother died and another when his best friend got into an awful car wreck and we didn’t know if he would live or die.
“I’m so, so sorry about everything,” he mumbles.
“Me too,” I whisper. “I’m sorry about everything.”
16
Tristan is sorry about the past. He wishes it would go away. But I’m sorry about the future. I wish that it wouldn’t come. Or least, that the truth wouldn’t come out. Sitting across from him right now, it almost feels possible. Like I can actually get
this marriage annulled without him ever finding out about it. Maybe we can just…pretend that this never happened. Maybe we can just start off where we had left off.
“I’m so happy, Alice,” Tristan says, leaning back in his chair. His smile turns into a laugh, which then shakes his whole body. Loose strands of hair fall into his face as he rocks back and forth. He tucks some behind his ears, over and over, but they keep getting untucked.
Our eyes meet and, this time, I don’t let go.
“Me too,” I whisper.
“Let’s get out of here,” he says, taking my hand. I don’t know where we’re going. I let Tristan lead the way. I’m okay with wherever he decides to take me. I just want to be with him.
* * *
Tristan leans close to me. We’re in his room. No one else is home. His fingers run along my jawline and bury themselves in my hair. He gets closer. I feel his breath on my lips. But he doesn’t kiss me. I pull forward and try to press my lips onto his, but he stops me. He demands that I wait. He leans down and runs his lips over my neck. His lips are smooth and gentle. Soft.
I bury my hands in his hair. Slowly, I pull his head up to mine. I have to taste him. I want his tongue inside my mouth. When our lips finally meet, shivers run throughout my body. His tongue is strong and rough. Tristan grabs my neck. With each breath, his kisses get more and more passionate. Now, he is kissing me as if he’s trying to prove something. I let him. I kiss him back with the same intensity and power. I want to prove something too. No matter what happens in the future, I want him to remember this moment. This moment in which only we existed. And the whole world could stop spinning upon our command.
Slowly, Tristan removes my sweater and I pull off his t-shirt. He unbuckles his pants and steps out of them. He pushes me down onto his bed and unzips my skinny jeans. He kisses my legs as he rolls them off me. My knees grow weak, as Tristan’s kisses intensify. He runs his fingers over my breasts, toeing the line between pleasure and pain.
As my hands make my way up his naked body, they feel rushed and unstable. Urgent. The muscles in his stomach flex and I feel each distinct muscle of his six-pack. I lean back, enjoying the moment, looking forward to what’s next.
Tristan undoes my bra and tosses it on the floor. He then grabs my hips and tugs at my panties with his teeth. I wiggle my body to help him along, enjoying the ferociousness of the moment.
Slowly, he eases himself inside of me. I feel myself welcoming him inside. My fingers dig into his shoulders and my hips start to move up and down on their own. I’m getting close. I look up at him. Our eyes meet briefly. I can see that he’s getting close, too. A moment later, a warm sensation pulses through my body. My legs get numb and I dig my toes into the bed.
“Oh, Tristan,” I whisper.
“Alice,” he moans, taking one last thrust and collapsing on top of me.
* * *
We lie next to each other for a while. Twilight comes and goes and darkness sets in. But neither of us bothers to get out of bed or turn on the light. It’s as if we’re both trying to hold on to this moment for as long as possible.
“Thank you,” Tristan says, propping up his head with his hand. I turn to face him.
“No, thank you,” I say.
Tristan flashes a mischievous smile.
“Well, thank you for this, definitely,” he says, giving me a peck on a cheek. “But what I meant is thank you for forgiving me. I know that it’s not really your specialty. And that I must’ve hurt you a lot with all of my talk about taking a break.”
His words sting a little. I can’t lie. But he’s right. I’m not one to forgive easily. And if I weren’t in the wrong, if I hadn’t just accidentally married our roommate, I’m not so sure we’d be doing this right now.
“I still don’t really understand what happened,” I say. “Back then.”
“To tell you the truth,” Tristan says after a moment of silence, “I’m not so sure either. I think it was all that stress I was under. I just sort of cracked up.”
“I see.” I nod. That’s not much of an explanation, but we’ve been over this a million times. And a million explanations later, I am still not completely clear about what really happened.
“So, how’s work going?” I ask. “Still as crazy as ever?”
“Yes,” Tristan says. “More so, even, I think. But I have a little bit of a routine now. So I don’t feel so lost all the time. Like I’m playing catch up.”
“And do you like it?” I ask. “Do you think it’s something you want to do in the future?”
“I don’t know,” Tristan says, looking up at the ceiling. I can tell he’s really thinking about what I had asked.
“I like the internship. I mean, I really think I’m learning a lot,” he finally says. “I definitely want to do something with finance or investment banking in the future, I think. I’m just not sure about this particular job. Like the one that Kathryn has.”
Agh, Kathryn. Why did he have to bring her up?
“So how’s Kathryn? Did anything happen between you two?” I ask cautiously. I don’t want to seem too jealous or concerned. Just like I’m trying to make normal conversation.
“No.” He shakes his head definitively. “I’m sorry again about before.”
“What? What do you have to be sorry about?” I ask.
“Well, you know, I wasn’t entirely truthful back then. I mean, I knew that she liked me. Of course, I did. She told me. Even before she kissed me at the bar that time. And I told her about you. But…I guess I should’ve been even clearer.”
I nod. I feel very guilty. I need to tell him the truth. I know that. I owe him the truth. But now I’m even more scared than I was before. Now, I’m terrified. Even a few hours ago, he was sort of my ex. And now he’s back to being my boyfriend. I feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders, and it’s getting heavier and heavier by the minute.
“Alice?” Tristan turns to me.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay? You’re sort of spacing out for a bit.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, nodding. “It has been kind of a long day.”
“Okay.” He springs out of bed. “Why don’t you relax for a bit while I try to put a dent into that Macroeconomics problem set. And try being the operative word, of course.”
I smile and nod. I watch him get dressed. He gives me a peck on the cheek and leaves the room.
* * *
I am still lying naked in bed and listening to music when I hear Tristan call my name from the living room. It has only been ten minutes since he left, but I suddenly realize that I’m in Tristan’s room and Dylan might be back.
“Alice!” Tristan yells.
“What?” I call back, scrambling to put on my clothes. I manage to throw on my sweater and underwear, but I struggle with the jeans. Why did I have to wear skinny jeans today, of all days?
“Alice!”
“I’m coming!”
I roll my bra into a little wad and hide it in my bag. Why can’t he just come over here? Why is he yelling like this?
When I walk into the living room, I see Tristan pacing back and forth.
“Tristan?” I ask.
He stops dead in his tracks. When he turns around, I see an expression on his face that I have never seen before. His eyes are empty, his lips are pursed, and his cheeks are devoid of color. I think that someone has died.
“What’s wrong?” I run up to him. “Are you okay? What happened?”
I try to put my around him, but he shrugs me off.
“What’s this?” he says, waving something in my face. I take it out of his hand. It’s a postcard with a picture of a casino from Atlantic City. Oh wait. Not just some casino. The casino!
“I don’t know,” I say, putting on the most innocent look I can. “What is it?”
“Don’t bullshit me, Alice,” Tristan says, shaking his head. He hands me the postcard. I flip it around and see it. Those words. They will probably stay with me always.
Congratulations on your recent wedding. It was a pleasure to share this momentous occasion with you. We hope that you will join us again in the near future. As a thank you, we’d like to extend an invitation to you to stay at our hotel for a reduced priced.
There is more to it than that. The postcard offered us a 50% discount on all future bookings for the year. But, frankly, I stopped reading carefully after I saw the words Mrs. Worthington and wedding.
“Alice, what’s going on?” Tristan asks, taking the postcard out of my hand.
17
I take a deep breath. This is my chance. Tristan knows and he doesn’t really even know he knows.
“I have something to tell you,” I say. “Can you sit down?”
I can tell by the look on his face that he isn’t mad yet. Not even angry. Instead, he has this vacant look in his eyes. Like soldiers do in war movies, right after their friends get blown up. Shell-shocked.
Tristan sits down and I tell him everything. I don’t even try to sugar coat it. I just tell him the truth. Exactly as it happened. He listens quietly and doesn’t interrupt me once.
“I don’t understand,” he says after I’m done. “You’re actually married?”
I hate that word. It makes me sound so old and worldly and stupid at the same time.
I nod. “Yes, technically. But hopefully not for long.”
“To my best friend, Dylan?”
I didn’t know that they were best friends now. That’s news to me. I nod.
“To our roommate, Dylan?” Tristan asks. I nod again.
“And you two, what, slept together? On top of that?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I say after a moment. “I honestly don’t know. But maybe.”
One Year (New & Lengthened Edition) Page 26