“Would you like something to drink?” the waiter asked.
“I’ll have the same, thanks.”
An awkward silence surrounded us as my eyes followed our waiter to the bar. I watched as he asked the bartender for my drink before I turned my gaze back to Gus.
He looked at me, studying my facial features. Once my eyes met his, I noticed his dark chocolate eyes soften, and a sad smile appeared on his face. Pity. Sorrow. I couldn’t tell. It had been so long since we’d sat like this that I could no longer read his thoughts. Know what he was thinking without having the words exchanged between us. It wasn’t like before, but whatever it was he was feeling, I couldn’t stand to look at it. The pain in my chest that I had avoided on a daily basis had returned.
I flipped open my menu and focused on what I was planning to order.
“Are you … okay, Braelynn?” he asked.
I swallowed that golf ball sized lump in my throat and looked at the menu. “Peachy keen,” I lied. There was no part of me that was okay. I was damaged goods and he knew it. I had no plans for the future. Hell, I had no plans for later that day. I had now chosen to live my life as I go. My foot began to tap on the laminate floor and I tried to focus on the words that were written on the menu.
“Are you feeling well? You look like you lost quite a few pounds since the last time I saw you.” He reached for my hand, but I pulled it away instantly. This was brunch, not a therapy session.
The waiter returned, setting my drink before me, and I took a big gulp before I bit on the olive. “I’m fine. What are you ordering? I’m starving and if all you’re going to do is ask questions about how I’ve been, I can go somewhere else to eat.”
“I worry about you, Braelynn, that’s all. You’ve changed your hair. You moved away, you don’t call or keep in touch, and you have canceled brunch with me four times over the past three months.”
I closed the menu on the table in front of me and crossed my arms over it. “Gus, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. You know why I can’t be around you all. It’s too much for me.”
“Even me?”
“Yes, even you. When I’m with you, I can’t stop remembering the night in the hospital. I’m sorry.” The truth was, I wasn’t sorry. For once in my life, I didn’t have a care in the world for anyone else’s feelings. I was on a merry-go-round when I was near him. How could he sit there and ask me to be around him?
“Fine. I’ll try to understand,” he said, closing his menu in front of him.
“Are you guys ready to order or are we waiting for another?” the waiter asked.
“Yeah, I’ll have—”
“No, we’re waiting for another,” Gus interjected.
Confused, I looked up at the waiter and then across to Gus. Winking at me, he smiled. “I have a surprise for you.” He chuckled when he spoke. My heart began to race at the thought of whom he had asked to join us.
Peyton?
I had a hole in my heart because of him. Three months of forgetting my life had only eaten away at me. It had been months since I thought about him. Lie. He was a part of me and I thought about him constantly. But I had put my feelings in a box deep down and locked away. I had never planned on opening that box again.
He was my undoing.
I couldn’t let him see me like this. I was embarrassed when he saw me in the elevator after I’d cleaned the Smith’s apartment. His opinion of me had always mattered and I was now a cashier, living in an unfurnished studio apartment. I couldn’t face him. The mere thought of him had my hands shaking. I reached for my purse to locate my painkillers when Gus reached across the table and grabbed my hand.
“Hey,” he said softly. “It’s Kennedy. I invited her. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Relief washed over me. Though I didn’t want to see Kennedy, either, I preferred her to Peyton. My heart wouldn’t be able to take the heartache he would have caused me. The pain I would be reminded of when his eyes met mine. I wouldn’t be able to hide the memories.
“Oh … okay.” I took a deep breath.
“She has something to share with you, and when I mentioned I was meeting you today she asked to join. That’s okay, right?” he asked. His eager smile made it hard to deny him. Though I had specifically mentioned that I’d only do brunch with him, it was out of my hands now.
I consumed as much of my Bloody Mary as I could before I felt a small, cool hand resting on the warm skin of my shoulder. I looked up in Kennedy’s direction and was greeted with sky blue eyes, bright and happy. It was like getting punched in the stomach. As much as I put on a façade that I didn’t care or that I was okay on my own, I missed her. I missed our friendship, our insane obsession with ice cream. Hell, I even missed how we argued, letting it all on the table.
“Hi, Braelynn.” She leaned down and hugged me.
Unable to control my emotions, I hugged her tightly. I missed my best friend. She was my right hand, the one who always had my side. I missed how she always read me like an open book. But the agony I felt with her arms wrapped around me was more than I was prepared for. Being around her and Gus was too much; I couldn’t sit and have lunch like nothing had happened. A dark cloud came over me and I reminded myself why I had chosen to move away. Why I needed to be alone. Our relationship could never be the same. Releasing her, I grabbed my purse and smiled.
“I need to run to the restroom. I’ll be right back.” I managed to hold my tears in check until I’d locked the bathroom stall.
I leaned against the door and let them run down my face. I knew it was a bad idea to come. I had canceled all the other times because of this. I was finally getting to a place where I knew that once the darkness passed I would find my way, start all over like Loren and I had done all those years ago. I located the bottle in my purse and took out another pill. Needing it to take effect faster, I tossed it in and my mouth and cracked the capsule open with my teeth. The taste was almost unbearable, but I fought through it, chewing it into little pieces before I swallowed.
This will help.
I took another, repeating the same process, my eyes shut in an attempt to contain some of the tears. My fingertips tingled; the opiates were already calming my body. I stomped over to the sink, washing my mouth out with the tap water, swallowing any remainder of the pills that were stuck on my teeth.
Kennedy sat adjacent to Gus and me. The waiter was setting her drink down as I returned.
“Are you all set to order?” the waiter asked.
We took turns placing our orders. Since it was my first and only meal of the day, I decided to order something that would carry me over into the next day. “Can I have a club sandwich with fries and another Bloody Mary, please?”
“So what’s the big news?” I asked, turning to Kennedy and Gus
“I like your hair. I’ve never seen you go dark before,” Kennedy said, trying to make conversation.
I massaged the back of my head and my finger traced over the scar, a reminder of why I went with the dark hair. I wanted to permanently forget it all. My eyes felt heavy, the pain killer taking effect sooner than I’d expected. I reached in my purse and pulled my sunglasses out, hiding my heavy eyelids behind the dark shades.
Kennedy and Gus didn’t question it. They both stared at me before looking at each other, concern clear as day spreading across their faces.
“I needed a change,” I finally responded.
“So, are you living close by?” Gus took a sip of his Bloody Mary.
“Not too far from here.”
“Did you go back to work?” Kennedy asked.
“Enough with the inquisition!” I slammed my hand on the table. “What’s the big news?”
“I ... um ...” Kennedy cleared her throat before she spoke. “Caleb proposed and I said yes.” She lifted her left hand to her face. An emerald cut solitaire sparkled around her ring finger.
Joy filled my heart and unexplained happiness for my friend came crashing into me. It was a
wrecking ball of emotions. Kennedy had finally come to her senses. “Oh, Kenn … that’s beautiful.” I reached for her hand.
My mild bliss was replaced with envy. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Kennedy to be happy, I did. But for the first time in four months, I wanted the happily ever after. I wanted the till death do us part. Yet I knew no one would ever want to be with me again. Who would want a shattered soul?
I never knew love until Peyton, then I’d fought him tooth and nail when he wanted us to be together. But it was all a waste now. One heartbreak was enough to last me a lifetime. Dropping her hand, I swallowed back the tears. “That’s great, Kennedy, really. I am so happy for you.”
Tears filled her eyes when she heard my voice crack. “I know things between us are off at the moment, but I would love for you to be my maid of honor. I wouldn’t be able to stand up there without you, Lynnie Winnie.”
It was as if her hand had balled into a fist and punched me in the gut.
Her bright eyes were filled with exhilaration and love, a feeling I hadn’t felt since I gave my heart to Peyton. A feeling I would never feel again.
Unable to take the agony any longer, I pulled my purse strap over my shoulder. I needed to leave. “Of course. Yes, it’ll be my honor. But I’m so sorry, guys. I have to go.”
“What?” they both shouted.
I dug into my purse pulling out some cash for the bill. “I’m really sorry, you guys. I ... I forgot I had to work today.” I slapped my forehead. “Text me.” I pressed my feet against the floor and pushed my chair back, striding away from them as they stood speechless, staring after me.
I needed to be far away from them. I was in a dark and twisted place in my life where the numbness and painkillers were my only friends, not rainbows and sunshine. I wanted to be happy for Kennedy, I didn’t know how. I had no clue how to be happy for her and not regret every single thing I had done in the past three months.
I sprinted down the city block until I found an abandoned alley. I leaned on the brick wall as I grabbed two more pills from my purse.
What the hell? Why not? What else did I have to lose?
There was no happily ever after in my future, I was sure of that. The only happiness I’d find was in the little capsules that made the real world go away.
I sank to the floor, my teeth breaking them in my mouth, the awful taste not as bad as the first time. Securing my purse behind me, I leaned my head on my knees, letting the drug take control of my body. The city street noises were only a faint sound in the distance. My legs tingled, my eyes were heavy–closing with each second that passed.
I was being sucked into the unknown and I welcomed it.
Braelynn
Three weeks later
I stepped out of the yellow cab, my foot instantly warm when my sandal hit the concrete sidewalk. The amount of anxiety running through my body had me sweating like it was mid-July. I pulled on the hem of my Calvin Klein dress, hoping there were no sweat marks on the tan material. I had tried to get as much sleep as possible the night before, but sleep never came. Instead, I’d tossed and turned, mentally freaking myself out. I had only taken one Oxy this morning to calm my nerves, but my body craved its regular dose of three every few hours. I didn’t want Kennedy nor Gus suspecting that I was high. I doused my face in make-up, hoping it would be enough to cover my dark circles.
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I’d see Peyton today.
I sauntered past the entrance of the River cafe and sat on a bench in the outside garden. I took my packet of cigarettes out of my purse, needing something else to calm me .
I had prepared for this. I had known about this party for over three weeks now. Kennedy had repeatedly asked if I was okay with it. And I was. Until last night when it all came crashing down on me. I knew he was going to be here, but sitting only a couple of feet away from Peyton had my heart pounding. I wasn’t the same person he had known.
“Ma’am, this is a smoke-free garden,” the valet attendant said as he plodded towards me.
“Oh, sorry.” I inhaled one last long drag before I put out the cigarette.
It was go time. I tugged at my dress once again, licked my lips and pinched my cheek. There was nowhere to run to.
I followed the brick path to the main entrance, smiling politely at the hostess who greeted the guests with bubbling champagne flutes. I found my place card and rushed to my table, keeping my gaze down so I wouldn’t see anyone. Eventually, I’d have to say hello to Kennedy, Caleb, and their families, but at the moment I needed to locate him before he saw me.
I dropped my clutch on top of the gift I had brought for the happy couple and scoped out the room. It was beautiful; white and pink roses were arranged throughout the room and tables and tea candles circled each arrangement, bringing light into the room. A grin appeared on my face at the thought of how romantic the mood was set. This was Kennedy’s engagement party—my old roommate and best friend who swore she had no time for relationships. The one who wanted to focus on her career. Yet here we were in a room decorated for a princess who had found her prince.
My happiness for them quickly turned to guilt. Everyone seemed to be moving on with his or her lives while night after night I was throwing myself a pity party. I sipped on the rest of my champagne then stood, needing to say hello to Kennedy before I sat and didn’t move again.
My heels clicked across the wood flooring as I made my way across the room. Kennedy and Caleb stood hand in hand, greeting their guests. Kennedy wore a cream-colored knee length dress, her hair loose and wavy. Her makeup looked as if the sun had kissed her. Not overpowering, but enough to see the glow in her eyes. Unwanted tears formed in the corners of my eyes. I was her maid of honor, but I had been a shitty friend. We had fought and argued, putting a rift in our relationship. To Kennedy, I was more of a stranger now.
“Braelynn.” She let go of Caleb and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
I took a deep breath, hoping my tears stayed inside me. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” I lied. In reality, I’d considered every which way possible to bail on this party.
A grin plastered on her face. “I’ve missed you, my friend.”
I nodded before I handed the gift that was in my hand to her. “This is for you.” I choked on the words. “They say every bride needs one. I hope you don’t already have one.”
Kennedy tore through the silver and white wrapping paper as I gave Caleb a hug and congratulated him.
“Lynnie,” she held up the wedding planner binder and organizer for Caleb to see. “This is beautiful. I have no clue how to plan a wedding so this will be perfect. Seriously, thank you.”
She hugged me once more and I kept my head low so my eyes would not meet his hazel hue as I returned to my seat. I knew he was in the room, somewhere close. My skin burned and my heart raced, knowing he was only a few steps away. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly, his proximity made it unbearable to breathe.
The waiter approached, asking if I’d like red or white wine. I sat, ignoring Caleb and Kennedy’s coworkers as they talked among themselves.
Gus was seated at a table with Jon, Kennedy’s family, and Caleb’s family. Any other time I would’ve been upset not to be near them, but since everyone was stopping at their table, I was thankful Kennedy had seated me in the back corner, hidden from everyone. I kept my head down listening to the jazz band play. My heart sank when I felt cool hands rubbing on my upper back, and my head whipped around, scared of who it could be.
“Baby girl.” Gus leaned down, kissing my lips. “I love you, Braelynn, and I know that you know that, but you seriously taste like an ashtray.” I shrugged my shoulder and chuckled as he wiped his lips with the back of his hands.
Gus’s hand reached out for mine. “Can I have this dance, baby girl?” I rapidly shook my head no. I couldn’t have any eyes on me, especially Peyton’s. Not to mention, the last time I danced with Gus, I was left out on the dance floor and P
eyton asked me to dance with him. “Come, I’ve haven’t spent time with you in so long. Please?”
My hands cupped his olive skin, his brown eyes big and upbeat when he looked at me. “Gus, please. I love you to pieces, but please don’t make this harder on me than it already is. I know he is somewhere in this room, and the last time he saw me I was laying on a hospital bed. So please, I’m begging you. If you want me to stay, please understand why I can’t dance with you.”
Gus leaned and kissed my forehead. “No problem, love. Let’s get together when this is over?”
“Yeah, that works.”
Gus kissed my forehead once more and wandered back to his table. I kept my eyes down, focusing on the cream colored tablecloth.
Before dinner, both sets of parents spoke about how happy they were for the happy couple. My eyes filled with tears at their speeches. This was becoming too much to bear. The agony I felt made my hand twitch.
Once dinner was served I excused myself to the bathroom. Locking myself in the stall, I popped a pill in my mouth, chewing it to little pieces. I washed it back with two glasses of wine once I’d returned to my table. I’d tried to stay sober for Kennedy, but it was impossible. My heart hurt and my chest felt as if it was caving in. I had to get through dessert. Once dinner was over, I’d quickly find the closest exit.
I tossed the food around on my plate so it seemed I had eaten something, but I was waiting for the hour to pass so I could leave and drown my pain in liquor and numbness. The wait staff came around after dinner, collecting empty plates. I focused only on the burning tea candle in front of me so my eyes wouldn’t wander, looking for Peyton. The high-pitched ting-ting of tapping against crystal glasses brought my attention to the table of honor where Caleb and Kennedy stood holding their flutes. Kennedy’s smile was wide as she gazed at her loving fiancé.
“I know most of you are just about done with dinner,” Caleb began, “but if you could all please stand, I’d greatly appreciate it.”
Inhaling deeply I stood, and once my vision had passed over an extravagant flower arrangement, I was greeted with bright hazel eyes across the room. I felt my knees grow weak, unable to hold my weight. My hand pressed on the table bracing me so I wouldn’t fall. My lips quivered as the ache I felt in my chest began to pound, my eyes glazing over with tears.
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