by C. J. Anaya
I had no idea what Victor could have possibly felt guilty for, and I had about a million questions that needed answering, but I honestly couldn’t form a single sentence. Not with him staring at me like that, like his whole world revolved around these moments when he could look at me and talk to me.
And touch me.
I stepped away from him, knowing if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to form another coherent thought for the rest of the evening. He seemed terribly disappointed, but allowed me to slip from his grasp anyway. I didn’t know how long he’d continue to do that. He’d waited a very long time for someone who meant everything to him.
“I know you loved this girl, this princess….”
“Mikomi,” he offered.
“…Mikomi.” It felt strange saying a name that used to be mine. “I’m sure whatever it was that happened to her…to me…to that Japanese princess wasn’t your fault, but you have to look at this from my perspective.” I stared at him with an open and honest expression. “I don’t know you. I don’t remember any of this. I’m not some submissive Japanese princess who’s been raised to accept a marriage arranged by the gods, which, by the way, sounds so stupid when I say it out loud like that.”
“I think a marriage arranged by the gods sounds fairly poetic.”
He offered me a sad smile. I looked down at the ground and focused on my feet. I’ve heard about wearing your heart on your sleeve before, but Victor’s heart was in his eyes, and the pain my words were causing him was present there as well. I felt like I was whipping an adorable English Mastiff.
“You may remember me or at least the person I used to be, but you’re going to have to accept the fact that I’m not that person any longer. I’m not the woman you’re in love with, but someone very different.”
“You’re only different on the outside.” He closed the short distance between us and lifted my chin. “You’re a little taller this time around, and your eyes are blue instead of brown. Your hair is no longer below your waist and your clothing includes denim skirts and gold stilettos.”
I couldn’t help but grin at that. He returned my smile with one of his own.
“You’re no longer full Japanese, and now you look a man straight in the eyes instead of staring at the ground and bowing from the waist.” He raised his hand and tucked a rebel strand of hair behind my ear.
“You may be packaged a bit differently, but you’re still strong, loving, self-sacrificing, and absolutely beautiful.” His lips were inching closer to mine.
Wait! Am I ready for this?
I wanted to have an honest conversation here. I had a choice. I had a mind of my own. What was happening to my steely resolve? I couldn’t figure out how Victor had managed to get past my defenses so fast. I was trying to let him down easy, and here he was moving in for another kiss.
“But most important of all,” he said softly, “you’re still mine.”
His last statement sent an angry spark of rebellion coursing through me. I think he must’ve seen it in my eyes because he didn’t wait for me to react to how I felt. Instead, he closed the few inches left between us and embraced my lips with his.
I think there must be some kind of “stupid” chemical that’s released within a girl’s brain the moment a Greek god, or in this case a Japanese god, begins kissing her in a possessive/assertive sort of way.
Despite my fierce desire to be my own person and to have a say in whom I married, and despite the fact that Victor’s assumptions of ownership irritated the hell out of me, a completely different desire seemed to be trumping all others. I actually enjoyed being pursued by this guy. In a day and age where most women made absolute fools of themselves while chasing guys who really weren’t worth it, I found myself loving this awesome role reversal. There was something so intimate about being held in arms that were powerful enough to slice a giant cat’s head off!
It seemed like Victor was trying to hold back a little. He wasn’t quite as forceful as he’d been the first time we kissed, but I didn’t want him to be gentle. I mean, he’d been waiting a long time for this, right? If he had the nerve to tell me I belonged to him and then push through my confusion to kiss me despite my reservations, I wanted this to be worth it. I wanted to see how far he was willing to chase me, dang it!
I felt like I was channeling Angie.
Victor’s kisses were soft and warm, and I answered back just as softly, sliding my palms up his chest. Then I pulled my lips back ever so slightly and pushed away from him. I wanted to see how he’d react to that kind of setback. For any normal guy, I’m sure this would’ve been a signal that it was time for the kiss to end.
Victor’s hands, which had previously been resting lightly on either side of my waist, slid round to the small of my back which brought our lips nicely back into position. He was holding me more firmly, but his kisses were still coming soft and slow.
I decided to try something else. I pulled my lips away completely and looked down, but I didn’t try to step away from him. Instead, I reached behind me and made a very half-hearted attempt at pulling his arms from around my waist. He surprised and delighted me by grabbing my hands with his, pinning them gently behind me and pulling me flush with his chest. I avoided looking him in the eye. I was afraid he’d see how much fun I was having.
I couldn’t believe I’d waited this long to kiss someone.
“Hope, please look at me,” he said in a strained voice.
I did as he asked and was shocked to see the raw emotion on his face.
“If you don’t want me to kiss you I won’t. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. Just say the word and I’ll let you go, for now, anyway.”
Up until this point, kissing Victor had been a fun little game, but I was forgetting what the stakes were for both of us. I wasn’t considering his emotions or how devastated he’d be if I refused to stand by his side when all was said and done.
“Do you want me to stop? Do you…oh, please Hope don’t ask me to stop,” he begged.
“I don’t want you to stop,” I whispered, “so don’t hold me and kiss me like you think I might break. You’ve waited a thousand years to show me how you feel…so show me.”
He wrapped his arms around me faster than I thought possible and started kissing me in a way that made me feel as if my feet were no longer touching the ground. I held him to me as tightly as I could, wanting to hug and kiss away all the loneliness and guilt he’d been feeling for so long even though I wasn’t entirely sure it was a good idea for me to do so. I guess that was just the healer in me.
I’m not made of stone, though. I wasn’t totally unaffected by the way he held me and demanded crazy passionate kisses. In fact, I was happy to escape into the arms of someone so wholly devoted to loving me. It was much more clear cut than my affections for Tie.
Tie!
All it took was one thought of him to effectively ruin the amazing experience with Victor. He seemed to sense my change in mood because his kisses slowed and he eventually pulled back.
I felt like his eyes were swallowing me whole. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let him love me and kiss me, thinking that I might feel the same way. How could I be with him when thoughts of Tie sent my heart turning in a totally different direction? It took some effort to hold his gaze and tell him what was on my mind.
“Victor, I’m not carrying around a thousand years’ worth of charged emotion in regards to this relationship, and you have to know that while you’re in love with me, I’m simply not in love with you.”
Victor nodded. I could feel his hands trembling behind me.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t feel that way, eventually. You have to give me time. I need to get to know you, and I think it would be very beneficial for you to get reacquainted with me.”
I could see his shoulders relaxing a little.
“I think the best way to get to know one another is through talking,” I continued.
Victor’s grin brightened up his face much m
ore effectively than the moonlight did.
“I’m good with talking. Is there anything in particular you’d like to discuss?” he asked.
I thought for a second and realized there was only one thing I really wanted to talk about.
“What’s going on between you and Tie?” Victor blinked in confusion.
“What?”
“Tie has done nothing to hide how much he hates you. I guess I just want to understand why he hates you. I need to know what’s going on if you and Tie will be working together to protect all of us. Why are you two so at odds with each other?”
He looked at the ground, avoiding my gaze. He took a few steps back and leaned against my father’s car.
“I wasn’t always a very nice person. I was rather full of myself and careless with other people’s emotions. Kami live forever and rarely attach themselves to anyone in particular. We’ve been known to create unions with one another, but a kami’s role in this universe is unchanging and final. To have a job requiring the union of two people would’ve been a blessing if I could’ve chosen a bride for myself. I was angry that my future wife had been chosen for me. I was angry I’d have to wait for who knew how long until she even existed. I got tired of it.” He took a deep breath. These memories were unpleasant for him, and I was asking him to remember them anyway. “I started to mess around with mortals. These women were…convenient.” He cringed at his crude word choice. “They weren’t going to live very long, and even if they did, I didn’t usually spend more than a year with them. I got bored easily back then.”
“Wow.”
“I know. Pretty awful, right?”
I nodded.
“Tie was never like that. He and I had been friends for…well…forever. He warned me about the kind of damage I did to the women I left behind. As the god of love and marriage, it was his responsibility and his calling to help people find their soul mates. My interference prevented many women from doing that. Then one day, he came to me with the same predicament. There was a mortal woman who’d caught his attention.”
I felt a dark stab of jealousy pierce me to my very core. I shook it off knowing my reaction was silly. I’d just kissed Victor not two minutes ago.
“I was surprised by Tie’s interest in this girl. He’d never been interested in anyone. I didn’t think he could be. He wasn’t created for that, but I guess you see all that happiness between so many couples over the years and you begin to want it for yourself, and he wanted this girl. Not for a year, but for eternity.”
My jealousy was mounting so I asked a question to distract myself.
“Can you make a mortal immortal?”
“All Tie had to do was use a part of his life force to continually heal hers until her own life force took over, but it’s risky. There’s no guarantee a life force will ever develop such a capability, and splitting those healing powers between himself and a mortal would’ve begun to age him over time. We live forever because we only heal ourselves.”
“Sounds selfish.”
Thinking that there were others out there who could do what I did, but chose not to just so they could stay young and pretty forever made me want to scream a little. Pain and suffering existed everywhere, but it didn’t have to.
It didn’t have to.
“It is selfish, but it’s also our job. It’s what we do, and it has to be that way.”
He wasn’t even remotely apologetic, which bothered me.
“So, Tie was going to risk aging in order to keep this mortal girl with him forever?”
“Yes. I thought it was an awful decision. At the time, I couldn’t imagine a mortal ever being worth it, but he’d thought it through and had already asked the girl to marry him. I guess he’d been seeing her for quite some time.”
“Did this girl have a name?”
My question came out more sharply than I’d intended. Victor’s eyes narrowed, but he answered anyway.
“Edana,” he replied solemnly. He pronounced it ee-dah-nuh. “It means fire, and Edana was definitely that.”
“That’s very pretty,” I said a bit grudgingly. “It doesn’t sound Japanese, though.”
Victor smiled at that.
“It isn’t. It’s Gaelic. Tie travels around quite a bit. He doesn’t stay in Japan all the time, although his home is there. He works closely with other gods who have the same kind of assignments he does.”
“What, like Cupid?” I asked jokingly.
“Yes, although I’ve never liked Cupid much. Thought he was a bit femme, if you know what I mean, always wearing togas and hair pieces.”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to laugh or agree with him.
“I’m just joking. I do that when I’m nervous.”
“Oh, of course. That was…very funny.” I felt totally lame.
Victor’s grin spread from ear to ear.
“You’re a terrible liar, Hope. Anyway, Tie was on assignment in Ireland when he saw Edana. They courted for a while, and then he came to me. I decided to go meet this girl and discourage her from spending any more time with him. I thought I was doing him a solid, as you Americans say.”
“Did she know Tie was immortal?”
“No. He hadn’t told her. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. And then when I saw her…” Victor cut off abruptly. I could tell he was having a hard time finishing his narrative. “I wanted her for myself. I figured Tie would get over it eventually and realize what a huge mistake he’d almost made. So I introduced myself to her and began courting her unbeknownst to Tie. Told her I could make her immortal. I told her everything she wanted to hear, and she fell for it. She fell for me, and I thought Tie was in the clear. If she’d really loved him, she would’ve told me to get lost, don’t you think?”
He asked his question like he was still trying to justify his actions after all these years.
I did nothing to try and soothe his guilt. I may not have liked the idea of Tie being with anyone else, but the thought of Victor behaving that callous in his friendship with Tie made me angry. I was disappointed in him.
“I take it when Tie found out he was not pleased?” I pressed.
“No, not at all. Told me he never wanted to see me again, and then he tried to get her back. I’d already managed to turn her head, though. As soon as she rejected Tie she came to find me.”
Now I was angry with Edana. How could she have turned her back on Tie so quickly?
“And did you give her everything you promised?”
Victor shook his head. There was real remorse in his eyes.
“I thought she was a fickle human being like all the rest. I was sure I’d done Tie a huge favor. I walked away from her thinking she’d go back to him begging for another chance, and he’d see what a waste of emotion she’d been. But she didn’t.” Victor closed his eyes and kept them closed. “In the area she lived there were many jagged mountains and cliffs, and we were standing next to some of them. She walked straight to the edge of one of those cliffs and jumped.” I gasped.
“That’s terrible.” I’d gone from disliking her to feeling very sorry for her. I actually wanted to cry.
“I never believed…I never dreamed she would do something like that. I didn’t know my refusal of her would be so devastating.”
“You stole the only woman Tie ever cared for, rejected her, and watched her walk off a cliff?”
Victor’s frame looked like it had caved in on itself. I couldn’t imagine how awful it had been for him to carry around that kind of guilt for so long.
“I didn’t watch it. I didn’t know she’d jumped until I heard her scream. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to listen to. I’ve heard her scream in my mind ever since. It changed me. It had to, right? Having your actions drive another person to end their own life isn’t something you ever want to be guilty of. Not even a selfish god like me wants something like that to happen.”
I was happy he’d learned from such a horrendous mistake, but felt sorry for the guilt he’d
been carrying all these years.
“Why didn’t you heal her?”
“I couldn’t. She died before I had time to give her life force the necessary instructions.” He looked like he was fighting back tears. “I did care for her. I think I might have tried to make it work, but my destiny was with someone else, and I knew it. I never touched another mortal woman again, at least, not until you came along, and you were only half mortal.”
“How long after that incident was I born?” I asked.
“A few hundred years. The first time I saw you was at our betrothal ceremony when you were fifteen. I didn’t want to meet you, and I certainly didn’t want to like you. I was still punishing myself for what I’d done to Edana.”
He reached for me again, taking my hand in his.
“But when I saw you…you were so frightened by the throngs of people and by the sight of me. I wanted to whisk you away from everyone. You looked up at me from your incredibly long, dark eyelashes, squared your shoulders, and stuck your chin out. It made me love you.”
“I don’t remember any of this,” I said feeling frustrated.
“You may not ever remember.” He looked relieved at the thought. “It really doesn’t matter now, does it? You’re right here in front of me, breathing in and out and looking just as beautiful as I thought you would. We can fix this now.” He drew me in closer. “We can make this right.”
“Make what right?”
He paused for a moment, clearly hesitant to answer my question. Then he asked one of his own.
“Hope, each time we’ve kissed, have you felt anything or seen anything unusual?”
My eyebrows narrowed at this bizarre question. I opened my mouth to speak, but was interrupted.
“Excuse me,” Angie yelled from the front door.
I stepped away from Victor.
“You owe me some down time, and I am seriously sleepy. We need to talk before I pass out, and I have no intention of passing out until you give me some much needed best friend attention. Honestly, how did I get bumped to the bottom of the list when I deserve so much more?”
“I’m coming,” I called back. I was actually happy Angie had interrupted our conversation. Victor had given me a lot to process, and I wasn’t ready to discuss my future with him as a permanent fixture in it. “I better get inside before Angie comes out and drags me in. She’s scary when she’s pushy.”