I was having fun, solid, teenagery fun. How long it had been since I had felt this type of simple pleasure? Lately I’d been really happy, making peace with my father, and meeting my birth parents, and realizing that I had a whole new life ahead of me. But this was different. Something that wasn’t “grown up” was exactly what I needed. I’d been forced to be a grown up for most of my life. Then I realized that it was often Michelle that had hustled me back into normal-kid mode when I got too mature. I met her eyes and smiled, she stuck her tongue at me and shot her shaving cream in my direction. It only went a foot out in front of her but she laughed her evil laugh anyway.
“I’m out.” I shook my can, hearing the rattle that meant it was empty.
“Me too, but don’t fret, we still have these.” She reached in the bag a third time and pulled out a few rolls of toilet paper.
“Are we doing the trees? The house, car?” At this point I wasn’t even bothering to protest. This was fun. Plus, Rachel’s family was dead asleep in their glamorous house.
“Sticking to the car seems best. Let’s just gift wrap this little surprise we have for her.” She rolled out a long piece of white toilet paper, sticking it to the egg-and-shaving-cream mixture that already coated the car. When we were done, not an inch of pink could be seen under our handiwork. We had done this before but to Isaiah or Johnny. I had even gotten it a few times, and I knew that it was hard to get off. I found myself wishing I could be there when Rachel saw it. We stepped back and admired our creation.
“You’re sure this is Rachel’s car, right?” I elbowed her and laughed at the thought of some random person walking out in horror as Rachel drove away in a clean black truck.
“Very sure. For one, you can’t miss this thing.” Michelle threw her arms out, willing me to remember the hot pink that was buried somewhere under layers of white. “Plus, I followed her home once.” She looked up at me and gave me another evil eyebrow raise. I smiled at that and, in response, her face got softer. Thick makeup and purple hair suddenly seemed insanely attractive. But her eyes squinted back and her thin lips became even thinner as she punched my arm and started smacking her gum obnoxiously again.
The punch reminded me of Lucy, who used to punch me all the time whether she was pleased or displeased. Laughing or crying, the girl had always been punching me. Probably a weird way to conduct a relationship, especially one where I was really trying to avoid being like my punch-happy father. Probably should have mentioned that to Lucy a bit more. I took another deep breath and closed my eyes, feeling again the pain of not having her around. I had kept myself from thinking about her too much, until today. I usually wouldn’t let my mind go there, but tonight I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t even feel angry with Lucy anymore, just sad. And I missed her. I felt the weight of the ring around my neck as I thought about her.
“Hey!” I froze as I heard a door slam and a tall overweight balding man came out of the yellow house to yell at us from the front porch.
“Run!” Michelle yelled, grabbed my hand, and yanked me down the street. It was a good thing we were wearing predominantly black clothing. I ran on my toes so my boots made less noise, which made me look like a sporadic cartoon soldier hopping away. Michelle was giggling uncontrollably next to me, but I was scared to death. I just knew we were going to get caught and I was going to jail. We saw headlights behind us. Michelle leaned her body against mine and we went flying into some bushes, rolling into someone’s lawn, surrounded by a thick hedge of green.
Michelle toppled over me, her tiny body coming to rest on top of me, her little legs sticking in an odd position, putting pressure on my thighs which made me suck my breath in discomfort. She put her hand over my mouth and started laughing, not bothering to get off of me. Her shoulder length purple hair was tickling my face so I gathered it up and held it in a ponytail behind her neck, my hand acting as a rubber band. I felt her gaunt body shiver from having an exposed neck. I let her hair fall again, allowing it to tickle my nose. I put my arm around her waist, trying to roll her off of me but she kept her ground and stared at me with intense eyes.
My skin burned with a mixture of embarrassment and excitement. I felt trapped inside this purple prison, Michelle’s hair falling around my face, keeping my eyes locked on hers. Her hips were digging into my stomach, and her knees were piercing my thighs, but I wanted to keep looking at her. My mind was racing. Michelle reached her hand up, brushed my hair completely out of my face, and smiled.
It was a kind smile and I felt my heart race under my ribs, I couldn’t tell from confusion or joy. She used a long finger to follow my scar up my cheekbone. I closed my eyes, remembering the day that Lucy had done that, when she had completely exposed my face and felt my scar like Michelle was doing now. For some reason, this situation didn’t seem anywhere close to as threatening as when Lucy had done it. Michelle bent her face lower and put her lips on mine, kissing me.
She kissed me differently than I had ever been kissed. Michelle wasn’t gentle like Lucy, or fake-hesitant like Rachel. Michelle’s lips were crushing me. Her hands were strong, wrapped around the back of my neck. She tasted like lipstick and smelled like hairspray and fruit-flavored gum mixed with cigarettes. I remembered Lucy, the way she always tasted like cinnamon toothpaste and how her hair smelled like flowers and mint. I put my hand behind Michelle’s head and my fingers got caught in-between the purple strands. I found myself longing for the soft waves that I had felt so many times. Michelle’s thin lips were as unfamiliar as the big soft ones I had been used to. Her lip ring was cold and the ball on the end of it dug into my lower lip.
She reached her hand up and moved it through my hair, sending a confused spark into my arms. I wanted to keep kissing her, but I really needed to stop and process all this. Michelle moved her fingers to my eyebrow ring and spun it playfully. Lucy had always done that and I smiled involuntarily at the memory. I could feel Michelle’s urgency. I could feel her chest get heavier on mine, the little ring hidden under my shirt dug into my skin, piercing it. I rolled over so Michelle was on her side. I moved my lips away from her mouth and tried to speak.
“Michelle.” I wiggled away from her lips and pinned her to the ground so she had to stop kissing me. Her face looked happier than I had ever seen. That was, until she realized how much force I was using.
“What’s wrong?” She sounded confused.
“Nothing, it’s just--” I stopped talking and took in her hurt eyes. I sat up and crossed my legs and held my arms out for her. She crawled over to me and sat in my lap, putting her head on my shoulder. My shirt felt wet. I couldn’t believe it. I had made Michelle cry. I was going to say that I had just realized I had been comparing every move she made and every word that she said to Lucy all night. But I thought better of that. I put my chin on the top of her head and held her closer to me, feeling the big brother in me coming out, wanting to protect her.
“Michelle, I am still in love with Lucy. I don’t want to do this.” I spoke softly, in measured tones. I wanted to be honest with her. But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her how poorly she compared to that stupid girl I couldn’t let go of.
“I see.” She took a deep breath and looked up at me, her eyes even softer than before, I could almost see that girl in the long red dress at Prom.
“I’m sorry Mich.”
“I’ve liked you since I was twelve, you know.” She also spoke quietly, burying her head into my neck. She was acting shy, an emotion I didn’t know she possessed.
“Wow, is that why you always beat me up?” I shook her playfully but held her tighter when I was done. She didn’t answer but she laughed breathlessly.
“Lucy has moved on, you know,” she whispered into my neck, almost like she hated saying it. My heart sank into a deep hole that made me want to throw up from the pain.
“Is she with someone else?” I asked, trying to build my heart up for the attack. I tried assembling a wall around my emotions, brick by brick, but each tim
e I saw those blue eyes in my mind it crumbled. I kept attempting it anyways, feeling the pain deepen as I saw Michelle choose her words carefully before she spoke again.
“No, but I don’t think she is thinking about you the way you are thinking about her.” She finally said. That only left me with more questions.
“Well, aren’t we a pair?” I was miserable. I put my head down on Michelle’s shoulder, feeling the weight of the pain, but I felt her pull my head back up. Despite myself, all I could think of was when Lucy used to do that.
“You haven’t changed all that much, you know, David. You’ve always been amazing, just everyone sees it now because you changed on the outside.” She smiled at me, a genuine smile that made her face look beautiful, despite how much she was blocking. “I guess that’s the world, isn’t it? People never really give you a chance until you look the part.”
“Lucy liked me when I looked different.”
“Lucy is more of a freak than you and I will ever be.” Michelle laughed then sneered, laying her head back in my neck. I felt my brick wall go down even more. I had the girl, two girls, actually, who had seen past the makeup and knew me before I knew myself. I blew it. Now I realized how much my unforgiveness had done to me.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said, picking Michelle up and brushing myself off and intentionally grabbing her hand and leading her to her car.
She drove me home, to Whitefish. We spent the whole hour in silence. Well, silent aside from the sound of both our hearts screeching from the pain of rejection. She parked in front of my grandmother's house and didn’t bother to cut off the engine. She looked up at me and gave me a half smile. I pulled her chin up, like she had done to me earlier, and leaned in to gently kiss the corner of her mouth. I held her eyes and saw a tear run down, leaving a line of black on her face, matching the rest. I wiped it away with my thumb and held her face.
“You are amazing Mich. I’m so sorry.” She smiled but didn’t answer. I had to start treating Michelle better, start treating her like the lady she was. I felt a warmth go through my body, it was kind of like the feeling I felt when I had been to church with Lucy. Like there was more to life than bitterness and cynicism. I needed that. I needed to know that there was more to life than these moments of feeling rejected and hurt from people you believed in.
24. AMBULANCE
It was 3:30 in the morning. I had been out with Michelle all night and I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, everything made me tired. Just thinking about getting undressed for bed made my mind slip in and out of sleep. Grandma’s house smelled like tea and dust, like it always had. A rush of admiration jolted me awake. I wanted to see my grandma and kiss her lined forehead before I collapsed on my bed.
I walked down the hallway and opened the door to her room, the light from the hallway spilling in through the half-opened door, shinning on her sleeping form. Her wrinkles looked deeper and her sleeping face more troubled than I had ever seen it. I walked in and felt her head. It was covered with beads of sweat, but she felt cold. I went to the hall closet and got out the big comforter she kept for winter. After I shook it open I tucked it around her petite body. The tucking motion woke her up. She opened her eyes and reached her hand out for mine, her long fingers feeling like knobby sticks. I grabbed onto them and knelt down in front of her, so I could talk quietly and have her hear me.
“Hi, Grandma.”
“How was your Dad?” She spoke with so little energy I had to strain to hear her.
“He was amazing, Grandma, just like you described him.” I smiled at her and kissed her twisted hands.
“Good, honey.” She patted my hand once, closed her eyes, and took a ragged breath.
“Grandma…” I said cautiously, knowing that I was about to tread in dangerous water. Her eyes opened, barely. This conversation was going to happen, whether she liked it or not, so it was good to just get it out of the way. “I am taking you to the doctor on Monday.” I expected a tantrum but instead got a defeated sigh.
“I think that’s a good idea.” She closed her eyes again, and I wrapped her up tighter in her blankets and left the room. I felt like my heart was going to fall through my stomach from the weight it was carrying. My grandma was so sick she wasn’t even fighting me on going to the doctors. I had hurt Michelle by being careless with her feelings. I had lost Lucy because of my stupid temper.
I stood in my room for a minute, feeling completely helpless, then clenched my fist defiantly. I would not sit by and let my grandma be so uncomfortable. I would work my butt off and spend every last cent I had to make sure that she either got better or that she had everything she needed. From now on, she wasn’t doing a single thing in this house. Even if she was feeling better, she would use that energy to enjoy her life. She had taken care of me when I had needed her and I was going to return that kind of commitment. I fired up my computer, searched for a few minutes, and bookmarked the contact information for three different home-health agencies to call in the morning.
With that settled, I took off my clothes, threw on some pajama pants, and collapsed onto my bed, feeling the cool sheets slowly turn warm around me. Right before I fell asleep I grabbed at my phone to turn the ringer off. The glowing screen told me I had a text message waiting. It was from Lucy.
My heart gave a little jolt of excitement.
“I bet your father is just as amazing as you are.”
My heart leapt. Surely she was thinking of me more than Michelle had assumed. This text proved it. I feel asleep fast, my phone still in my hand.
* * *
I woke up to my grandma calling my name in a panicked whisper. I could tell she had been calling me for a while but I hadn’t woken up. I jumped out of bed, not bothering to check a clock as I ran to her. It was just barely light outside. I had probably only been asleep for a few hours. Grandma’s room smelled bad. She was laying in an unnatural position in her bed, looking pale and like she could hardly move her arms.
“Get Mrs. Tessa from next door,” she ordered quietly.
“Grandma, let me help you.” I put my arm under her neck and attempted to pick her up. I was going to take her to the shower but she stopped me.
“David. Please. Go get her,” she begged me, her eyes looking helpless and desperate.
“Okay Grandma.” I put her head back down on her pillow gently. Before I left I opened the window to her room so the smell would not be so bad when I came back with our next-door neighbor.
I ran back to my room, quickly putting on the same long-sleeved shirt I’d worn on the flight home and during the shenanigans with Michelle the night before. Finally, I looked at the time. It was seven eighteen in the morning. Just to see those numbers blinking at me made me exhausted. I hadn’t gotten real, good sleep in almost a week. Not with all the excitement of meeting my birth parents. Fear kept me going, though. I had no idea what was going on with Grandma but it wasn’t good.
I ran next door and rapped on Mrs. Tessa’s door, hoping she was home. I didn’t care for me, I barely knew the lady, but I wanted my grandma to feel comfortable, if even just a fraction more. After a few persistent knocks Mrs. Tessa opened the door with puffy eyes. I had just awakened her. My words came out in a jumble.
“I’m sorry ma’am. I’m Doris’s grandson, David. She is asking for your help.” Mrs. Tessa’s face became serious as soon as she heard my grandma’s name. She followed me out the door in her pajamas and bathrobe, not bothering to lock the door behind her. With that I knew she had come over and helped my grandma before without me realizing it. I felt instant, strong gratitude for this woman I had only waved to from time to time in my year and a half of living here.
“What’s wrong David?” She spoke calmly.
“I don’t really know. She wants you to help her. She wasn’t able to make it to the bathroom. I think she was calling me and I didn’t wake up.” I shook my head, feeling guilty, but Mrs. Tessa put her firm hand on my shoulder.
“It's okay, Davi
d. We will help her.” We walked through the door and Mrs. Tessa went straight back to Grandma’s room, knowing exactly where it was. I stayed by the bedroom door, watching our neighbor go to my grandma’s side and help her out of bed. Grandma was unable to put any pressure on her legs. They were swollen and it obviously hurt her to stand. She groaned with the slightest pressure.
Mrs. Tessa carried my grandmother to the shower while I stripped the bed. I threw her sheets in the washer and re-made her bed with new sheets, in case she wanted to lay back down. That task went by too quickly and I felt helpless moments after, the only other thing I could think to do was fold some of her clothes that I had taken out of the dryer. It was hard for me to not actively help my grandma, until I realized that I needed to make a doctor’s appointment for her. I had already decided that I was going to take the day off school and take her in, and she had agreed. I had been determined to anyway, but now after all this, I would have drug her in kicking and screaming.
When I called them, they were closed. The message said they opened at nine, which was an hour and a half away. I took a few deep breaths, fighting off panic. I would just call at nine and try to make an appointment for that day. And if they told me no we would go in anyway, and sit in the waiting room until he saw Grandma.
Mrs. Tessa walked in, with daunting footsteps that spoke volumes to me about the severity of what was happening to my grandmother. My neighbor’s eyes were sad and she spoke very gently and with so much compassion I wanted to crawl into her lap and cry like she was my own mother. This was not just not good. Whatever this was, was terrible.
“David, Doris told me you wanted to take her to the doctor, but I think you should take her to the ER. Right away.” She put her hands on my shoulders to brace me.
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