“Okay, I need to you push hard the next time you feel a contraction.” On cue, Lucy held her breath and started pushing.
“Breathe, sweetie,” I whispered in her ear, holding her hand. She started breathing. Kinda.
“Good, good, that was very good. You have to do that every time you have a contraction okay?”
Lucy didn’t answer with words, just nodded.
The moments between contractions, no one said anything; we just waited for Lucy. Then I would tell her to breathe and she would push. That went on for about twenty minutes.
“Is anything happening down there?” Lucy said through silent tears and gritted teeth.
“Yes, every push gets this little one closer. I can almost see the head.” When she said that, everything in me wanted to look. But I was afraid of freaking her parents out so I restrained myself.
“Oh no, oh, oh.” Lucy started to have a big contraction again and I could see that she was panicking.
“Breathe Lu…”
“You need to stop telling me to breathe, David. Obviously I’m breathing!”
“I’ve seen this movie.” Isaiah interrupted the rebuke I was receiving. “This is the part where she starts spewing pea soup across the room.” Everyone started laughing except for Lucy, which was unfortunate because she would have thought it was funny if she wasn’t the one who was acting demon-possessed.
“Push!” The doctor encouraged her. “That’s good, Lucy. Now listen. The baby is crowning, I can see the head, so the next few pushes are going to do it.”
I started bouncing up and down, excitement rushing through me.
“The next time you push, I am going to ask you to stop pushing so I can suck fluid out of the baby’s mouth. Then when I tell you, you can push again. But not before, okay?”
“Okay.” Lucy stuck her chin out, determined.
“Are you the father?” The doctor asked, looking directly at me. I didn’t have time to think; I just answered.
“Yes.”
“Do you want to catch the baby?”
“Are you serious?” I asked, blown away.
“Yes, get these gloves on.” She handed me my own pair of blue gloves. They were pretty comfortable. After I got the gloves on, the doctor got up, moved the chair aside, and we both stood, looking at the top of a little person’s head. I was amazed at the beauty of what was happening.
“Isaiah, Johnny, you guys have got to see this.”
“Seriously, dude?” Johnny’s eyebrows left his head. But they were both mesmerized. They walked over, hands in pockets. Then their jaws dropped.
“Whoa.” They both said, in unison.
“What’s wrong with you guys?!” Lucy crinkled her nose but looked unfazed.
“That’s pretty cool. There’s like a head right there!” Johnny said. Lucy started to groan again. At first I thought it was because of what Johnny had said but I soon realized that she had started pushing again.
“Just put your hand right here. Catch.” The doctor said in my ear. I did what she told me. I watched the little head come out and saw little eyes but then Lucy stopped pushing.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch it.” I was worried I had done something wrong.
“No, it's okay. When you see the whole head come out, that’s when you grab it. And I want you to hold it while I clear the baby’s mouth with this suction. Then you need to make sure you hold onto the neck and grip the baby under the arms.”
“Got it.” I was glad I was someone who could think under pressure because I was feeling some pressure. Right on cue, Lucy started to push again, but she really pushed hard this time. The baby’s whole little face popped out. I grabbed it and watched while the doctor put her delicate hand on the baby’s cheek. The hair was soaking wet and standing straight up like Albert Einstein’s.
“Ok, Lucy, one more push.”
“You promise?” Lucy forced the words out. I had just enough time to admire the fact that she was able to stop pushing while she had a human being’s head stuck in between her pelvic bone. She gave another push. This one wasn’t as hard and the little shoulders, torso, and legs came out.
It was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. I held her up and looked at her, amazed at what Lucy had just done.
“Ohhhhhh.” Lucy’s mom started to bawl and everyone started clapping. That startled the baby and made her cry. I placed her on Lucy’s chest and the nurses started putting blankets on top of her and a little pink hat. Lucy put her arms around her daughter and kissed her little forehead.
“Wow,” she said, then looked up at me, tears running down her face.
“Congratulations Dad, she looks perfect,” the doctor said to me, handing me a pair of scissors to cut the umbilical cord. I cut the part they told me to, between two clamps. I was surprised how tough the cord was.
When I was done, I moved closer to Lucy so everyone in the room could come over and admire her.
“Thanks.” I said, way late, dumbfounded by what Lucy had just done, amazed by what I had done. I bent my face down to Lucy’s forehead and kissed it. “You’re my hero, you know that?” I felt more pride than I had ever felt in my life.
29. FATHERLY ADVICE
I sat in the corner of the delivery room, watching my two girls sleep. Lucy was curled into a ball, a blanket pulled up to her chin and her braided hair was starting to come out around her ears, making her look a little like a lion with a tangled mane. Her round face was swollen and her hands were puffy and red. She was a mess, but there was something so powerful about her in that kind of place, in that kind of state.
I couldn’t keep my lovey-dovey eyes off of her.
Lucy was the most beautiful person I had ever met in my life. By some miracle I just had a daughter with her.
Sort of.
In a little hospital bed next to Lucy, Lydia was sleeping. I walked over and peered in, staring down at the little pink bundle. Lydia had a tiny face, little ears, and gigantic lips that took up the whole bottom part of her face. Earlier, Lucy had tried to get Lydia to nurse but the baby looked like she couldn’t get her lips out of the way to get food going.
I had just watched Lucy give birth and deliver the stinking baby, but the shock of Lucy without a shirt on almost gave me a heart attack. She and the nurse both laughed at me as I frantically tried to find a place to put my eyeballs the first time Lucy tried to nurse.
Lydia was so pretty; I couldn’t believe she was real. I reached my tattooed arm down and gently lifted her out of the mini-bed. One teeny eye peeked open at me then rolled back and closed. I tucked the hours-old baby into my arm, walked back to my corner chair, and sat down. She fit perfectly against my chest, cradled in my forearm with her feet in my hands.
I traced her little face with my fingertip. Her pink lips pursed out when I brushed my finger over them and her eyes fluttered again. She still was not convinced that she wanted to wake up and entertain me. Her eyes were big and round like Lucy’s, with long brown eyelashes that framed them. Her rosy cheeks were speckled with baby acne and chub. I didn’t recognize her nose; it was round and turned up just a little bit.
I bent down and kissed it.
It was my way of accepting her nose, as if she had inherited it from me. She had a widow’s peak at the top of her forehead, which was another feature I didn’t recognize. Maybe it was from her birth father, or perhaps one of his parents.
I took in those soft, unfamiliar features and felt the tug on my heart, challenging me to try and answer the question I didn’t even want to think about.
Adoption.
Lucy had talked to an adoption agency before we had gotten back together. Apparently there was a family waiting to hear if they were going to be taking Lydia home or not. I found that one out when a woman came into the hospital wanting to talk about our options.
Closed adoption or open adoption?
I had never even heard of open adoption. With open adoption, the lady explained, Lydia could still be a part of Lucy’
s life. The idea intrigued me.
But everything in me wanted to take Lydia and run. I knew my view of adoption was jaded. I didn’t trust myself to make a super-amazing decision because it would more than likely be made out of fear. Also, this wasn’t really my decision to make. Lucy was going to have to decide what parents Lydia was going to grow up with. But I loved Lucy and I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to just let her give Lydia up without having a say. If not for myself, then for Lucy who wasn’t exactly good at thinking out the consequences of every scenario. Whether Lucy liked it or not, I was part of Lydia’s life now. I was going to put my two cents in, whether Lucy wanted them or not.
Lydia peeked a little eye open at me, this time keeping it open. It looked like it took her a great deal of effort, but she seemed committed. Looking straight at me, her bright baby blue eyes sparkled and completely freaked me out. The responsibility attached to keeping that little soul alive and happy and entertained almost made me hyperventilate.
One awesome dad point for me.
I snuggled her closer to my body, my hand behind her neck and arms completely wrapped around her.
She was just so freakin’ tiny.
“Hey you,” I whispered softly to Lydia, leaning in to kiss her, pushing my hair behind my ears so it wouldn’t tickle her face. How could this little eight pound person be so amazing? She made my chest feel like it had suddenly become rubber. Also that bullets would bounce off of it if anyone tried to hurt her. I needed a “Super Dad” mug and a minivan, stat. The mini person in my arm gave a little whimper and a surprising movement started, all on its own. I began to bounce my arms and moved my hand to her back, patting lightly.
“Now, your mother is sleeping. We aren’t waking her up.” I stood up and started rocking faster, swaying my whole body, which calmed her momentarily. Then she realized she hadn’t gotten what she wanted and gave a little hiccup-sounding cry. I laughed, and it startled her, which made her cry even harder.
“Oh you are just like your mother aren’t you?” I looked over at Lucy, whose legs were twitching, threatening to wake up.
I really loved Lucy. I loved her so much it hurt; but the ache was growing deeper. It wasn’t just a slight pang anymore.
It was fear.
I felt fear for Lucy. It was a fear for her and this new life she brought into the world. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to care for her.
This whole situation was way bigger than me and what I wanted. I didn’t even know how to process my thoughts. I was too close to the situation to think clearly.
“Hello?” I heard fingers drumming on the hospital room door. When I turned around I almost let out a cry of relief. Of all the people in the world I wanted, here he was. My birth father was standing in front of me with his arms open, wanting to hold this little girl I was desperately trying to calm. I handed her over and then felt my eyes tear up, realizing that he was the only person that I really wanted to talk too right now.
It was almost like someone had known I needed him.
“Would you look at her?” He had a grandfatherly gleam in his greenish brown eyes.
He was getting sucked in along with the rest of us.
“She is a beautiful baby.” He smiled at me, like I had done something awesome.
“She is.” I smiled back, like I had done something awesome.
“And she came on your birthday. How’s that for a gift?”
“Yeah.” My voice didn’t sound excited at all, but I tried to smile anyways. He saw right through me.
“What’s wrong?” He was so observant and fatherly. I shrugged my shoulders, trying to ignore him. But then I took a deep breath in submission.
“Lucy is considering adoption,” I blurted.
“Oh.” My birth father’s face clouded over all of the sudden. Lydia didn’t even react. Because she was fast asleep. How did he do that so fast?
“And how do you feel about that?”
“I’m scared, honestly,” I admitted.
“Scared?” He was looking at me sideways.
“I don’t know how I feel about adoption. Having been through it.” I was trying hard to be honest without making him feel guilty. Already I was regretting bringing this up.
“I understand that.” The poor guy looked so uncomfortable, but I had to talk to him. If anyone had advice on adoption it was my birth father. “Tell me your reasons for adoption.” Good, a pros and cons list. I was good at lists. Order out of chaos, that was something I could do.
“Okay, well…” I forced myself to think of the pros of adoption. My thoughts instantly went to the adopted mother I had never known and everything I had heard about her. Life would have been so good if she had stayed alive. “I guess a plus would be that Lydia would be with older, more stable parents?” When I said it, I realized how true it was. Lucy and I had no idea what we were doing. We had just finished high school. She had never even had a job. Even if everything went amazing, it would still take us years to really get on our feet and not have to depend on our parents to help us.
“Okay, what else?” Anthony nodded, still looking down at Lydia.
“Another would be that they would be able to provide for her.” The mental image of me, Lucy, and a toddler all sharing a room in her parents’ house flashed into my mind. How long would my little inheritance last with a baby?
“True. What else?” I wasn’t sure if he was even hearing me but I kept going.
“Well. The adopted parents would be more emotionally prepared for a baby.”
“You don’t think that Lucy is emotionally ready to have a baby?” He asked me quietly as Lucy gave a little snore from across the room.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I felt sick saying it, but it was true. “The night we broke up I couldn’t handle the ideas she was throwing at me. We’d spent a lot of time apart and I don’t really know all of the things she did.” I couldn’t say anything for sure. Plus, I knew that she wasn’t ever going to get enough sleep once that baby was born. And she was going to freak out at some point. I could already picture the double freak out of Lucy and Lydia, throwing tantrums together.
“Fair enough.” My father had decided to let me see his whole face, which was covered with worried wrinkles and sad eyes. He was a gracious man, to be having a conversation like this with me. It had to be hard.
“Let me ask you another question then.” He gave me the kind of smile that made me want to bunker down for a possible blow. It looked like one of those kinds of smiles. “Who’s the father?”
Yeah, one of those questions.
“I don’t know who he is.” Rage boiled up into my throat but I pushed it down.
“Lucy hasn’t told you anything about him?”
“We didn’t get into a lot of details.” I clenched my hands and tried not to feel angry. “I know she had to do some kind of blood test to be sure.”
“Wow.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean, look at your hands.” He nodded at my tightly clenched fists and white knuckles.
“Oh. Ouch.” I straightened my fingers and realized again how unfortunate my temper was.
“I get it.” He smiled again, his eyes telling me to continue.
“Once she was sure who it was, the guy wanted her to get an abortion. She refused, so he signed papers giving up his parental rights.”
“So, I guess he’s a jerk and we’re all happy to hate him?”
“I guess?” Sounded about right.
“Let’s say you two keep Lydia, but this guy grows up. In a year or so, or ten, he wants to be a part of his daughter’s life. Then what?”
That was something I hadn’t even considered.
“Ummm?” Even the thought made me sick.
“What if this guy we all hate turns out to be a good guy as he matures and mans up? What if he becomes a part of your life? Can you handle being a step dad?”
“Honestly, I don’t know…”
“Well, think about that. Because ther
e is a good chance that will happen. A lot of times people regret decisions they made when they were younger.”
“So, I guess another pro to adoption is that I won’t have to deal with the guy who took Lucy’s virginity from me, or, at least someone she was with.” I said through gritted teeth. I hadn’t realized how angry I was about that whole situation. Could I handle being a part of that dude's life if he decided he wanted to be around? Even if he gave up his parental privileges would it be best for Lydia to deny her birth father if he was trying to make it right?
No to the last part, but I wasn’t sure about the rest.
Anthony laughed.
“Lucy’s virginity didn’t belong to anyone but herself, David. Part of dealing with all this in a healthy way is trying to realize the world doesn’t revolve around you. No one took anything from you – you weren’t a part of her life at all at the time. She didn’t owe you anything and neither did that guy.”
I guess it was time for the come-to-Jesus part of the talk.
“Ok, so…” I was confused. “What does that mean?”
“Stop acting like you have any rights in this situation, David. You love Lucy, you have valuable insight for her, and that’s it. Anything beyond that is gravy. Stop wasting so much anger on gravy.”
I laughed. I kind of got it.
I already knew it wasn’t my call, what happened to Lydia; but Anthony was saying it wasn’t my history, either. Feeling responsible for any of it, either by feeling guilty or feeling angry, was just getting in the way of doing what was best for Lucy and Lydia right now. Can’t say I liked it very much, since it meant I had even less of a say in all this. But he was right. I was wrong.
“Okay, more.” He looked expectantly at me, not giving me time to dwell on my newfound, extraordinarily uncomfortable-ness.
“More…” I racked my brain for more. But I couldn’t come up with anything else. “I don’t know what else.”
“Ok, then let’s talk about keeping her. Why do you want Lucy to keep Lydia?”
“I really love her. I love that baby,” I said, staring at Lydia’s beautiful little face.
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