by Elaine May
“I’ll leave you to it then.” Why don’t I want to leave him, something is keeping my feet locked on the floor.
“Goodbye Charlton.” And with that I turn to walk away.
“W..W.What?” He takes a step towards me, his eyes raging with anger and something else that I can’t put my finger on. I look down and I can still see the shape of his cock bulging, begging to be set free.
“Are you really going to go again?” There’s the sound of the little boy again.
“Yes.” I look down before taking my steps away from him again. His eyes starting to shine with hope.
“Don’t go.” His look changes to longing and I just want to make it better for him, but I start shaking my head to get rid of it. We are both startled by the buzz of the alert at the door and I can hear his mother’s voice when he answers it. He turns to look at me, sadness and hope seem to liebeneath the eyes I feel I hate so much.
No, I know I hate him, we have too much history for it to be anything else.
“Come on, Mum is waiting, we’re going.”
“We’re going?”
“I need to make sure you come back here.” I roll my eyes.
****
And so he does and the cameras are there to greet us as we leave. I would have liked to think that it would get better the closer we get to the day,but it doesn’t. His Mother gushes as soon as we meet them in the car, so proud that her baby boy is getting married and everyone wants a piece of him and his bride, it makes me sick and I have to fight the need to let it all out when we get to the shop. I may beinvisible, with Charlton there no one wants to know what I think. It is all about him, he may as well be getting married to himself, but he keeps a tight hold of my hand the whole time, not letting me out of his sight for a single second. To everyone else it must look like we are all loved up, in love so deeply that we don’t want to be away from each other, but I know the truth.
He is playing a game of control and I am losing big time.
When we get back to the flat all I want to do is scream and shout at him but as I watch him walk towards the kitchen to get a glass and fill it with water every movement is laced with exhaustion and guilt races through me. I can’t believe what I am suddenly thinking but I know he doesn’t deserve to hear my angst, not at the moment. Not when all he has ever done is to try and make me happy. Realisation comes to me like a sledge hammer, that is all he has tried to do, even when I was trying to throw it back in his face. It saddens me as I watch him take small sips of his water, waiting for me to explode, that I realise he is starting to look drawn and pale, his eyes are starting to look tired and they have a haunted look to them. He is still the most beautiful man in the world and he is still able to rock my world with just one stare, but he is different and I have done that to him.
Me, and I have never hated myself more.
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
The next evening Daddy drives me to the Williams estate, excitement and nerves wanting to take over all my limbs. I have to take in a deep breath as Daddy’s car pulls up outside the beautiful house I have felt at home in like my own. I can feel the panic attack taking its grip on my sanity as the clouds begin to descend in my mind as I attempt to get out of the car. A long breath helps to calm me and after a few minutes my body allows me to exit the car with a smile from Daddy, he knows what’s going on in my head, he’s always known. I don’t even reach the front door before it swings open and Louisa is pulling me inside by the arm.
“You’re here. It’s makeover time before everyone gets here.” She says and I look around as we climb the stairs to see if I can see Charlton, but he’s nowhere to be seen and my heart starts to break a little.
Time just seems to fly by in a bit of a blur as the weeks go by.
Three months
Two months but the guilt of what I have done to him still wants to eat me whole.
Consume me and control me.
The boy I once loved now looks drawn and pale, his eyes are looking tired and have a haunted look to them.
I have done that.
It is all my fault and if I could take it all back I would.Since our fight he comes to each and every appointment, even the church to meet our vicar as if his life depends on it. Daddy doesn’t even raise an eyebrow at all the work he must be missing but it appears that everyone is entrapped by the glow of the wedding. I wish I knew what is going on inside his head. He gives me all the right looks, I give him the right ones back and if I didn’t really know what was really going on here I would fall into the lies just like everyone else. He seems to be getting too strong to overcome, the roles seem to be switching on me and I don’t even see how he is doing it, the bastard.
I like the looks of love he glances my way.
A little smile.
A little wink of need.
An extra squeeze of my hand when no one is looking. It reminds me of when everything was ok between us, before we both grew up. My tummy flutters to life with each one and although I know I should hate it and what it’s doing to me with each week, day that goes by, getting us closer and closer to our fate I find it’s getting harder and harder to ignore. He is so handsome, he always has been, and he keeps looking at me so wanting. When did that even start to happen?
But I know it is and I can’t control what it does to me. I’m starting to want everything to do with him and I hate him so much for it. I hate him for making me feel this way, but I can’t seem to want to do anything about it.
This isn’t a part of the rule book. He is changing things and I want to beat him at his own game, but something keeps telling me no, holding me and my wants back.
We are playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse. I would try to change the rules of play, but he is too clever, he knows what to do, he is remembering me and through it all I spend more and more days with him, his mother and Louisa, organizing this so-called wedding of the year.
I can’t get away from him. We go back to our so-called home and I am liking it, Sammy gets excited as soon as we walk through the door as if we are both his.
It isn’t just me and Sammy.
It’s me, Charlton and Sammy now.
6 weeks to go.
5 weeks to go.
Why does he always have to look so sexy and even more so when he decides to start playing with my dog?
I need something, anything that I can concentrate on more than him, but I can never come up with something that is strong enough. I can feel the whole world staring at us and even though I want to scream and shout I can’t help but want more of him. He is clawing himself up my spine. He is stabbing into my soul, burying himself deep inside me.
I am becoming lost to him and for the second time in my life I am feeling a connection to someone else, I feel something strong and colourful wanting to take centre stage in my mind in my heart.
I need to feel him again, but he won’t go near me. He plays along, making me know he wants me but he keeps his hands to himself. He wants me, he wants me badly and I want him just as badly, and every day it becomes harder and harder to ignore what my body is demanding.
Oh God, this wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to succumb to my evil ways, call the whole thing off but somewhere in the journey something is brewing again between us. I can feel the energy of our need to be together ripple through the two of us. He keeps making me feel things. Making me feel things that I never thought I wouldever be able to feel again and if I don’t go with it and I win in the end, what will happen?
The thought that someone else could be with him starts to make my blood boil. I want him more than anything, but it scares the ever-loving shit out of me.
4 weeks to go.
3 weeks to go.
I am sinking in quicksand. This thing that is happening between us is real. There is no going away from the truth that wants to push me back down into the fiery depths of hell.
I feel as restless as a caged animal.
I am feeling all these feelings for him aga
in and within my chest my heart is calling desperately for me to give it all up and just love him again. Fears of the same thing happening again are trying to resurface and hit me strong, but I don’t want them to. I like this other feeling that wants to take centre stage.
It is all so confusing.
2 weeks to go.
When did everything stop being right and start being just confusing?
I look at my world with new eyes and I don’t know what to make of it.
That is what he is doing to me.
Ten days to go.
I thought I had become harder through all the shit, but his words are like magic, each one managing to heal all the aches that are in my heart.
I can feel the thread of truth wending its way through my emotions.
He is changing me in a way I don’t understand but perhaps I can welcome it.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
As Louisa and I sit on her bed, she doing my makeup and the two of us speaking as if we have been doing it for years, the music from downstairs starts to blast through my ear drums. The shouting and screams of all my peers consume the air, suffocating me as they grow louder as time goes by. Finally we walk through the home that has meant so much to me and I know Mrs Williams would go mad at what I’m seeing. The whole house just seems to be a chaotic mess with food and drink everywhere. I look through the open doors that lead through to the swimming pool and everyone is nearly naked as they all stand around the pool with only their swim suits on. I suddenly feel over-dressed as I look down at my shorts and vest top, but I’m here and that’s all that matters.
One week to go.
Just one more week and then we will be married, and I am feeling somewhat excited about it. Gone are the feelings of wanting to end the silly game I tried to play on him.
I want to marry him.
I want a life with him.
I am feeling those things for him again, and I like it, I can only hope that he is back to stay.
I am feeling light-headed and drunk from the power he possesses over me. I hear the front door opening and closing, his footsteps getting nearer to me, my pulse racing to see him again, to feel him again and then there he is. He stands before me with a three-piece black suit that fits him like a second skin, his jacket is undone to show off how fit his body is by the way everything clings to him. He’s standing like the God he is and stops dead, just looking at me as he loosens the black tie around his neck. The vein on his neck that peeks above his grey-striped collar, demanding to be licked slowly by my hungry tongue.
He wants me.
I want him. I could pierce the sexual tension with a knife, it’s so strong. Our hunger for each other has been building in intensity the longer he’skept us apart, but I want him more now than I’ve ever known what to do with. He storms towards me like a jungle cat on the prowl, throwing his jacket and then his tie on the ground in a messy pile.
“Do you want me, Noelle?” He asks with a sexy tone that has my core melting for him already.
“You know I do.” I respond, biting my bottom lip and twirling my hair in the process. He stiffens on the spot, just a few steps away from me, but I can still smell his sexy allure all around me. He unbuttons his top button, letting me see a small hint of the chest hair that has tickled my face in the past.
He takes the next few steps towards me, our chests touching one another and I’m fighting the need to just rip his shirt off him, just to get closer to him.
“A proper answer, Noelle.” I shudder as his hand lands on my bum.
“Do you want me?” He leans into my ear to whisper the words and then his hands travel up my back to my neck.
“Yes, I want you.” His fingers twine through my hair before he brings them to the sides of my face.
“Good.” His fingers start stroking my cheeks, his eyes looking deeply into mine as his breaths send goose-bumps rising along my neck.“ Because I can’t hold out anymore.” My lips part as his fingers drift to my mouth and I suck a finger in greedily and release just as fast with a pop.
“Not when you look as sexy as this.” His face leans towards mine, our noses touching now and he gently brushes his lips against mine once and then he does it again as if he’s liking the taste I have to offer his hunger.He starts tasting every inch of my mouth and I do the same to him. Licking, sucking every part of him. I twist my fingers in his shirt as he claws at my scalp.
I need him naked and I need him naked now. I rip his shirt off him, his buttons fly everywhere as I tear it off him, wetting my lips as I do it. I hear the clasp of his belt and then it hitting the floor as well, the sound vibrating through the room and it gets my excitement up to a new level.
I’m so close to having him right now. He pulls my panties down and bends down as he takes them off me fully and then spreads my legs before he pushes his face into my core and licks me. I moan as he continues, pressing his tongue across the tip of my clit. I feel his finger slide into me and my inner walls squeeze around his digit. All of a sudden he pulls away and I’m left panting.
I want more.
“Take your dress off.” He demands, and I do what he asks, teasing him as I do it. He comes towards me and grabs my waist, pulling me up and over his shoulder, slapping my bum like he’s a cave man.
“I’m going to give you so many orgasms tonight you won’t be able to think straight, princess.”
“Oh God, yes please.” I moan as his finger creep back inside me again.
“No, princess, not God. I am.”
He pushes open the door to our room and then kicks it closed before he throws me on the bed. He climbs on top of me and pushes my legs apart again as if he owns them. His long tongue starts on my clit, circling it fast and hard and I buck into his hand, wanting more. Loving the feeling of his fingers on me, touching me, playing with me just to get me to that moment and nothing else.
“Oh God, I really do love the taste of you.” His voice tickles at my core as my breathing becomes a jagged mess.
I can feel mywetness for him. I’m very wet and I can feel how wet just by the way his tongue sounds as it laps up my juices. To my own dismay my body knows that it wants from him.
I watch as he takes a hold of his cock, the head pulsing with need, and presses it against my heat. He looks at me and gives a wink before coming in close and giving me a peck on the lips just as he slides inside me. I’m infuriated. My body slides against his hard one and it kicks my heart into overdrive.
“My dick has been aching so much to be back inside you.”
Oh God, it feels good. He starts to thrust harder as he takes a hold of my breast and squeezes hard, making me scream around his sweet kisses. I move my legs and then have one wrap around his waist as the other rests on his shoulder, allowing him more depth. He’s so deep inside me and I can feel my orgasm getting closer.
“Are you ready to stop fighting me now, princess?”
I look up into his eyes, just waiting for that final push to send me over the edge, but he looks so serious and I know what he has just asked has nothing to do with sex. He’s talking about our relationship and I can tell from his look that I won’t get what I want before I admit all my games are over.
“Yes Charlton. Yes I do. P...Please make me come.” He gives a wicked grin and I soon forget what he asked as he rams himself home inside me, as everything inside starts to tighten and coil. His eyes give away his oncoming orgasm too and we both moan around each other. He starts to rub at my clit again just as he grinds against me and that does it. Everything releases around me into a powerful wave as it washes through me while I scream his name. I feel his cock pulsate inside me and then he’s releasing himself as his head rests in the nook of my neck. My eyes flutter closed as I rest my head on his chest, static energy coming alive around us as he raises my face with his hands and our mouths tango around each other, his cock still hard.
“Again?” I ask, flustered.
“I can’t get enough of you.” I arch my back, shoving my
breasts closer to his waiting hands, and he starts playing with me like a musician playing his favourite instrument.
My body is on fire for him again as he starts licking the skin of my neck. I slide my arms around his neck and start to wriggle underneath him. He sucks in a breath as I moan against my arm. I exhale slow, ragged breaths as he starts to grind himself against my clit. His tongue flicks and flutters over my own. He starts to lower his hipsand the head of his cock presses against my entrance. He pushes a little into me and then as if it isn’t enough, he changes his mind and then shoves himself all the way in, rubbing his nose against mine, looking deep into my eyes. I can read so much from them, he hasn’t liked the games I have played, he wants me to be happy.
He wants to be happy.
He has feelings for me. I can read it all, his eyes are an open book. I release a cry, my back arching to feel him more as he keeps massaging my inner walls.
This is more than just sex for him.
He is claiming me. He pulls out halfway and reaches his hand down to play with my clit. He sinks back into me slowly. My core, my thighs start to tremble with more need for him. I can feel his balls become heavier as they slam into my cheeks as we both chase the waves of our own pleasure. He massages his cock in and out of me and I can feel him all the way to the inside of my womb, that I can’t take a breath. He is deep and making love to me as he strokes into me like a thirsty man desperate for a bottle of water. I push against him, wanting more of his power. His weight presses into me, his chest against mine, our sweat mixing together as our hearts beat the same rhythm.
We are no longer two separate beings, but one.
We are joined together, one physical being. It is happening so fast I can’t understand it, but my body starts to quiver as an intense feeling ripples through it and we both come together in a musical show of screams and moans.