Where I Belong

by Marcia Argueta Mickelson

  “The Wheelers,” Mami says. “They have lots of room, and it’ll be convenient for me—no more commute. I’ve told them we’ll come by tonight, right after dinnertime.”

  I’m not surprised that the Wheelers have offered to let us stay with them. It’s just the type of thing that do-gooders like the Wheelers often do. But I am surprised that Mami agreed. How can she be their guest and their employee at the same time? That will be incredibly awkward and strange for all of us.

  “Mami, are you sure?” I ask.

  “It’s just for a little while, until we find someplace to rent.”

  I’ve never seen Mami like this. She can’t fix her eyes on anything, on anyone. She’s worked her whole life to provide for us, so that she would never be at the mercy of anyone, never have to receive a handout from anyone. She doesn’t even take free samples at the grocery store. Nothing for free; never. It’s not worth anything if you haven’t paid for it, she’s told me before. But now Mami has no choice but to accept help from the Wheelers.

  Everything she’s spent her life working for lies in ashes.

  I think about objecting, telling her that I want to stay with Chloe, but this isn’t the time. She’s already had too much happen in the last twenty-four hours. She needs my support right now, even if that means I have to temporarily move into Charlie Wheeler’s house.

  Chapter Ten

  After entering the code to get us through the security gate, Mami parks her car in the circled driveway of the Wheelers’ million-dollar Ocean Drive home. We all pile out, and she leads the way up the tree-lined walk to the front door. I follow, carrying Ceci. Her arms are clasped around my neck, and her stuffed bear, Osito, is tucked between us. Sele and Javi are right behind me.

  The front door is already open, and the somber faces of Charles, Belinda, and Charlie Wheeler meet us. I’m a little surprised that Mr. Wheeler has made time to be here. According to Mami, he’s been on the campaign trail constantly for months, making appearances all over the state, and even when he’s home he’s busy doing interviews or meeting with his campaign staff or hosting donors. And Dr. Wheeler has to participate in a lot of that stuff too, playing the devoted wife even while she keeps doing her own job.

  Dr. Wheeler has been crying; her eyes and nose are red. She and Mr. Wheeler move to the side and let us come in. I step onto the marble floors of the entryway and set Ceci down.

  “Sandra, I’m so sorry this has happened,” says Dr. Wheeler. “I don’t even know what to say. We want to do whatever we can to help. You and the kids can stay here as long as you need. This is your home now, for as long as you want.”

  Mami nods and looks down at the floor. My siblings are gazing around the room, taking in everything. The chandelier that hangs over the entryway, the grand piano to the left, the marble floor that leads into the living room, and the spectacular view of the bay in front of us keep them mesmerized, maybe even making them forget for a minute what has happened to our house.

  “Belinda’s friends have jumped right in to help,” Mr. Wheeler says, pointing to almost a dozen large shopping bags from Dillard’s clustered at the foot of the spiraling staircase. “They weren’t sure of the sizes, but hopefully most everything fits. If not, we can return it. I think there are some gift cards in there too.”

  Sele’s eyes dart to the bags, and I know she can’t wait to tear into them, but she stays frozen beside me. She won’t dare move until Mami tells her to.

  “I have a maid service coming in for the next few days,” Dr. Wheeler says, “so, Sandra, you take a few paid days off to get everything straightened out with the insurance company. And don’t worry about meals at all. I’ll have some takeout brought in for all of us. I want you to just concentrate on your family and your life.”

  “And we want you to stay here as long as you need to,” Mr. Wheeler chimes in. “I feel like this might be my fault in some way. We’ll do anything to make it right.”

  Mami nods again and clears her throat. “Thank you both.”

  Caroline Wheeler bounds down the stairs in red polka-dot pajamas. “Look, Mama. It’s my best friend!” She runs over to Ceci and pulls her into a tight hug.

  Suddenly remembering why we’re all here, she becomes more subdued and steps back from Ceci. “I’m so sorry about your house, Cecilia.”

  Ceci doesn’t say anything. She hangs her head low and swallows hard.

  “You can sleep in my bed, Cecilia. I have a princess bed.”

  Mami is about to say something, but Dr. Wheeler interjects. “Caroline’s been insisting that she wants Cecilia to sleep in her bed. And Caroline can sleep in the trundle bed beneath her. There’s no use trying to talk her out of it, Sandra.”

  Mami nods, and Caroline takes this as permission to proceed. “Come on, Cecilia.” She grabs Ceci’s hand and pulls her toward the stairs.

  Ceci turns around and looks at me. “Millie.” She holds out her hand for me, and I take it. I force a smile at the others still standing in the foyer and follow the two girls upstairs.

  I don’t remember the last time I was here. It must have been at least five years ago, and I don’t even know where Caroline’s room is. How strange that Mami must be so familiar with every corner of this house, yet it’s so foreign to me.

  Caroline marches into her room and points out her bed to Ceci. It’s a tall canopy bed with an ivory eyelet bedcover. The carpets are creamy beige and flawlessly clean. I wonder how Mami keeps them so clean. In the corner of the room is a white wooden dollhouse with tiny furniture that looks nicer and probably more expensive than any real furniture we’ve ever had.

  “Come on, try it out,” Caroline says and pulls Ceci toward the bed.

  “I can’t sleep in your bed,” Ceci says.

  “Yes, you can! I’ll sleep down here.” Caroline pulls the trundle out from under her bed. “I always sleep here for sleepovers. You get the bed.” Caroline sits down on the trundle and crosses her legs.

  Ceci looks at me, a question in her eyes.

  “It’s okay, Ceci,” I say.

  I hear a soft knock on the open door and turn around. It’s Charlie Wheeler, holding two Dillard’s bags.

  “Hey, Millie. I just wanted to bring these by. Some clothes for Cecilia.” He walks into Caroline’s room and sets them down between us.

  “Cool!” Caroline calls out. “Cecilia, let’s see what they bought you. You need pajamas.”

  Ceci follows Caroline over to the bags, and Caroline begins pulling out clothes, letting them fall to the floor as she searches.

  “Caroline, don’t throw them on the floor,” Charlie says, kneeling down next to her. He picks up a few shirts and folds them on his knee. “Those are Cecilia’s clothes. Let her look through them.”

  Caroline leaves the clothes and sits on the floor next to Charlie. I bend down to help Ceci search through the bags. Together, we find a pair of pink pajamas. They’re made of soft, silky material and have little white hearts all over them. The buttons on the top are heart-shaped, and there’s white lace along the hem of the pants.

  I check the size and figure they’ll fit fine. “Here, Ceci. You can wear these.”

  Ceci takes the pajamas from me and runs her hand over the soft material, smiling for maybe the first time since the fire.

  “I’ll show you where to change,” Caroline says, bolting off the floor and grabbing Ceci’s hand. The two scamper out of the room.

  Charlie and I are still sitting on the floor of the now-silent room, and suddenly everything I’ve been feeling since last night is more pronounced. My sadness, my anger, and my tattered pride are all competing for precedence inside of me. And then there is the feeling that I once had a crush on the boy sitting beside me. I’m so glad that was long ago.

  “I’m very sorry about this,” Charlie says.

  I shrug and finally look up at him. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t burn our house down.”

  “I know, but in a way it is our fault.”

  I want to
get up and go somewhere, but I don’t know where I’m supposed to go, don’t know exactly where I will be sleeping or what I’m supposed to do now.

  Caroline and Ceci come back in and crawl into their beds. I stand up and walk over to Ceci. “Good night, Ceci. I’ll tell Mami to come kiss you good night.”

  “Okay, Millie.” She leans in closer. “What if this house burns down too?” she asks.

  I whisper in her ear, “It won’t. I promise.”

  She nods at me, but tears start to gather in the corner of her eyes.

  “You want me to lie down with you for a while?”

  She looks down at Caroline and shakes her head, trying to be brave.

  “Okay, I’ll go get Mami.” I turn around and see that Charlie has stepped out into the hallway. Mr. Wheeler has joined him.

  “Is Cecilia going to be okay?” Mr. Wheeler asks me.

  “I think so. But she’ll probably end up finding her way to my mom sometime tonight.”

  Mr. Wheeler nods. “That’s fine, Millie. Whatever she needs.”

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “Your mom’s going to be taking your brother and sisters to school and picking them up in the afternoon for the time being,” Mr. Wheeler explains. “I know you’re used to taking them, but it’s too far to walk from here. And Charlie can give you a ride to school.”

  Of course, tomorrow’s Monday. All the logistics of everything—I hadn’t thought about it before. Apparently, the Wheelers have. Mr. Wheeler is good at strategizing, trying to find solutions to every problem he sees, optimizing results and all that. I guess that’s what makes him a politician.

  I look over at Charlie, who smiles. I suppose I should be thankful I have a ride to and from school, but it’s so terribly hard for me to be grateful to these people. The lingering thought won’t leave me—our house would still exist, were it not for Mr. Wheeler’s big mouth.

  But I don’t say what I think. I very rarely do.

  Mr. Wheeler nods and taps Charlie and me on our shoulders simultaneously. “Well, you and Selena will be sharing a guest room. Charlie, can you show Millie where it is?”

  “Sure, Dad.”

  Mr. Wheeler goes off down the hall, and I follow Charlie in the other direction.

  “It’s here,” Charlie says, stopping in front of a room with an open door. “And the bathroom’s through there.” He points inside the bedroom, to a door on the opposite side of the entrance. “That bathroom’s connected to another small guest room where your mom will be.”

  “What about Javi?” I ask.

  “I think my mom said he’s going to be downstairs in the den. There’s a pullout couch down there.”

  “Okay,” I say, wondering if Javi will be okay all by himself downstairs.

  “The den is right next to the master bedroom,” Charlie says, answering my unasked question. He flips on the light and steps aside, so I can enter the room. The queen bed has plush emerald pillows and a matching bedcover. The dark wood headboard matches a dresser and small armoire. Against one wall there’s a flat-screen TV and a tall mirror that stands on wooden feet. I think about our cracked mirror back home, the one I always felt would bring us bad luck. Suddenly I remember the mirror doesn’t exist anymore.

  “Thanks,” I say as I walk farther into the room. I look at the bed but I decide against sitting down. I don’t want Charlie to think that I’m eager to be staying here.

  “I’m really sorry about this, Millie,” Charlie says.

  I just shrug. I really don’t know how to respond at this point. He probably didn’t even expect a response, probably only said it because what else is he supposed to say?

  He looks at me intently. “You’re safe here, you know. My dad’s arranging with the Corpus police department to have someone watching the house for a few days. And he said he may even hire a security guard. He doesn’t want anything else to happen to you or your family.”

  I wonder if Mr. Wheeler’s intent is to protect my family—or to safeguard his expensive home and the luxuries contained within it. I don’t ask the question, though; I keep it inside like I do all my negative thoughts about the Wheelers.

  “Thanks,” is all I say, just as Dr. Wheeler comes in with Mami and Sele.

  “Oh good, you found your room,” Dr. Wheeler says to me. She puts her arm around my shoulder. “Charlie, can you please go get the rest of the bags?”

  “Right.” Charlie gives me a quick look before he leaves.

  “I hope you two will be comfortable sharing the bed,” Dr. Wheeler says.

  Sele nods and I say, “It’s great.”

  “Well, anything you need, just let us know and we’ll take care of it,” she says. She claps her hands together. “Anyway, the bathroom is through there. Charlie is bringing up the bags, and Sandra, your room is next door. You can go through the bathroom or just down the hall.” Dr. Wheeler points to the hall, and then shakes her head with a smile. “Sorry, Sandra. Of course you know,” she says, suddenly remembering that Mami knows every inch of this house, has cleaned every inch of this house.

  “Yes, I know. Thank you. Everything is just fine.”

  “Well, I’ll let you get settled. I’m sure you’re all exhausted.”

  “I’ll go check on Ceci,” Mami says.

  “I’ll go with you to tuck Caroline in,” Dr. Wheeler says before she and Mami disappear down the hall together.

  Sele and I sit on the bed. I put my arm around Sele and pull her toward me. She puts her head on my shoulder, and we sit there for a few minutes saying nothing. We both know what the other is feeling. Scared, heartbroken, and unsure of what tomorrow will bring. Everything around us reminds us of what we don’t have.

  Charlie comes to the doorway and knocks on the open door. Sele hops off the bed.

  “Sorry, I just wanted to bring these in.” Charlie comes over to the bed and sets four more Dillard’s bags on the floor by our feet. He hands me another smaller bag. “And this is shampoos and stuff.”

  I take the bag and set it on the bed next to me. “Thanks, Charlie.”

  He shoves his hands into his back pockets. “Need anything else?”

  Without looking at the bag to actually see if we’re missing any necessities, I shake my head. “No. I think we’re good.”

  “Okay, well. I hope you two sleep well. Just let any of us know if you need anything.” He looks from Sele to me. “Millie, I usually leave for school around eight-thirty if that’s okay.”

  “Yeah, that’s good.” I almost say “thank you” again, but I’ve already said it so many times, and I suspect I will be saying it a lot more. I don’t want the words to lose their meaning.

  I study the plush white carpet instead of looking at him. I don’t want to be here in Charlie Wheeler’s house, subject to his generosity. I want to be in my own home, away from his charitable eyes.

  “Okay, good night.” Charlie takes a step backward before finally turning around and leaving.

  I get up and close the door. Sele sits back down on the bed. “I can’t believe Mami is making us go to school tomorrow.”

  I can believe it. Life has to go on, and she won’t give us even a day to dwell on our trauma, to feel sorry for ourselves. We are expected to pick ourselves up and move on just as she will do.

  “Will you talk to her, Millie? See if she’ll let us stay home.”

  “Stay home? We have no home.” I soften the words as much as I can. “And I think I’d rather be at school than stay here all day, just thinking about the fire.”

  “But everyone will know. Everyone’s probably heard. They’ll all be talking about us.”

  I know that’s true. Corpus is not a huge city. Word spreads fast. And not everyone in our school wishes us well, as I discovered recently. Some of our classmates might actually gloat over what’s happened to us, thinking we somehow deserve it. “I know, Sele, but our friends will be there for us. It’ll be good to go to school, be distracted.”

  Sele nods and rests her h
ead in my lap. She starts quietly sobbing. I want to cry too, but I remind myself that Mami hasn’t cried once. And if there’s anyone who should cry about all of this, it’s Mami. She’s the one responsible for four children and the one who has to figure out how to find us a home again. She’s the one with the heavy weight on her shoulders, with no husband to share it with her. She’s the one who has to swallow her pride by turning to her employers and staying in the house that she cleans.

  I run my fingers through Sele’s long, straight hair. “It’s okay, Sele. We’re all okay. That’s the most important thing.”

  Her quiet sobs continue.

  “We made it through Papi’s death. We’ll make it through this.”

  Chapter Eleven

  The next morning, I lie in bed for far longer than is usual for me. Mami assured me last night that she would get the kids ready and take them to school. She has the day off, which must seem weird for her because this is where she works. A maid service will be coming in today to do her job, because I suppose Dr. Wheeler can’t go a single day without her chandelier getting dusted.

  It’s seven-thirty, and I know Mami has left with the kids by now. Her incessant punctuality persists despite everything.

  I get up and make the bed—a habit ingrained in me since childhood. Mami taught us to make the bed as soon as we get up, even before we go to the bathroom. I know I don’t do as good as Mami, and she’ll probably straighten everything when she gets back to the Wheelers’, but I leave it.

  The attached bathroom probably only gets used when guests are here, which I imagine is not very often. The Wheelers are so busy; I don’t know where they would find time for houseguests. But if I know Mami, this bathroom gets cleaned at least every other day. She does not let dust accumulate on anything.

  The white tile is cold against my feet. I open the white lacy shower curtain and wonder if it’s even supposed to get wet. But I can tell that Mami showered already; she’s opened the fancy bar of soap. My shower is warm, feels good. Maybe it’s something about the expensive chrome showerhead that makes it the best shower I think I’ve ever had. I hurry through it, though, because Charlie Wheeler is my ride today—my ride for the foreseeable future, I suppose.