by Rae Earl
So I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO MY DAD ACTUALLY IS SO I CAN FIND A BOY THAT LOVES ME. Mum HAS to tell me the truth about Dad NOW as she is ruining my actual life.
She’s at the cinema tonight with Rob, but tomorrow I am TELLING HER. IN FACT I AM ORDERING HER.
MONDAY 25TH MAY
8.45 p.m.
Just STORMED downstairs to tackle Mum and LOST it.
I said, “RIGHT, MUM – I am picking rubbish boys to go out with and it’s TOTALLY your fault. TELL ME WHO MY DAD IS!”
Mum said, “Hattie – not now…” so I said, “It’s NEVER NOW – I have had enough.”
And I was so mental I smashed her You Are the Weakest Link mug. She looked REALLY shocked but I just carried on and said, “Mum – it’s my right!” and then Rob came in and said, “Hattie – please calm down.” And I said, “SHUT UP, ROB – YOU ARE NOT MY REAL DAD AND NEVER WILL BE.”
And then Mum started to cry – which is her typical rubbish tactic. She won’t be upset about me – she’ll be upset that I’ve broken her precious non-hilarious mug.
AND THEN, GET THIS – ROB SHOUTED AT ME TO GET UPSTAIRS. ERR – WHO ARE YOU EXACTLY, ROB?! WHO?!!
They are BOTH CRAP. CRAP. CRAP.
9.12 p.m.
Just texted Dimple. She says she understands I am upset but I should respect my mum as she works hard and loves me very much.
Sometimes Dimple is too Indian.
9.47 p.m.
Just texted Weirdo Jen – she agrees that I need to get angry, as “gaps in your identity” lead to “spiritual stunting of the soul”. Plus resentment blocks your arteries in your heart with special “bad vibe” fat.
Sometimes Jen is too weird.
TUESDAY 26TH MAY
7.12 a.m.
Rob just came up and apologized for shouting last night. He really made me angry because he was so quiet and kind, which is just … ANNOYING. He said he knew he wasn’t my real dad but he felt like he was, and loved AND liked me very much.
I said, “I know that, Rob – BUT I need to know the truth.”
He just looked sad, and said he wanted to explain – but there would soon be a time when they would tell me everything – they just need to get some things in place first.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
Before I could ask, Rob said he thought I should say sorry to my mum.
Suppose I will have to. I ALWAYS have to say sorry first.
8.12 a.m.
Just said sorry to Mum before school. She grunted OK.
Like all this is MY fault!!!
7.34 p.m.
Mum is acting like nothing has happened. But it has.
The BROKEN Weakest Link mug in the bin is the symbol that something HAS happened and lies have been smashed!
8.12 p.m.
That last bit made me sound like a bit of a doughnut, didn’t it?
WEDNESDAY 27TH MAY
4.13 p.m.
Just went round to see Goose. Wish I hadn’t bothered.
He heard the shouting through the wall. He says he would love to have Rob as a dad as he’s a sound bloke. I tried to explain to Goose that not knowing my dad is causing me to pick rubbish men.
Goose looked at me and said, “Hattie, it’s your fault you have no taste. Perhaps you are missing decent men that are right before your eyes.”
ERR, GOOSE, I WATCH DR PHIL – I understand how things work.
Goose says he’ll help me find out who Carlo is if I’m nice to Rob. But he promised me that last time, and all we did was google the name! It’s like every time I go to look for my dad, something happens in my life to stop me – boys, school, the NFPG or my gran being a mental. It’s like my actual life is against me.
Goose says I need to get a grip, have patience and gently try to find out more from Gran.
Goose is very harsh.
5.32 p.m.
I think actually Goose might be very right. I need to try something new.
I am going to try patience.
THURSDAY 28TH MAY
6.23 p.m.
Went to see Gran to try to get some more info. But as usual she didn’t want to talk about anything but herself.
She was very excited because her and her friend Denise had been “trevving”. When I asked her what that was, she said her and Denise went round in the car and every time they saw something they didn’t like they shouted rude stuff out of their window. This included couples kissing (“The pavement is for walking on – not for sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat!”), gangs of youths (“Bound to be drinking or up to no good”) and people in Motability cars (“Half of them are just fat and lazy, not disabled”).
FRIDAY 29TH MAY
9.45 p.m.
OMG – Gran and Denise were pulled over by the actual police for trevving.
The policeman said mature ladies shouldn’t be spending their time bullying youngsters who were behaving in a law-abiding way. Gran has been given a caution so she has to behave.
Seriously. And I am still expected to do well at school despite the fact I come from a family of TOTAL mentals.
Dad, wherever you are, come and save me.
SATURDAY 30TH MAY
7.12 p.m.
Gran had an argument today with Mum about trevving.
Gran said that Mum had forgotten how to have fun and needs to get back in touch with her inner child (she had seen that on TV). Mum said she didn’t have time for her inner child – she was too busy looking after all the children around her and anyway she had to grow up fast when “what happened, happened”. Then they both shut up.
I must have patience.
Even though I actually want to go totally mad right now.
SUNDAY 31ST MAY
10.56 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says sometimes you just have to give up wanting and searching in order to find what you truly want. She thinks that “desperation leads to desolation”, and that you have to “set what you love free – then it will return to you”.
I need to google constantly with Jen – she uses stupid words.
I asked her if she could prove this. She said yes. Apparently she once had a pet wasp that broke away from the “slavery of the nest”. She fed it on M&Ms for 2 days, and then let it go. Jen reckons it came back to see her.
Unfortunately Jen’s mum then swatted it with a copy of the Guardian, but that was perhaps “karma for the wasp ruining someone’s picnic”.
Jen IS weird.
She might have a point though. Perhaps I should use this holiday to revise, and then the universe will reward me with the real knowledge of my real dad.
MONDAY 1ST JUNE
11.12 a.m.
I will start revising after lunch. I’ll just watch a bit more TV then I will honestly start.
1.43 p.m.
Might just go for a walk as it’s a well-known fact that your brain needs oxygen to function correctly.
5.23 p.m.
No point starting now – it’s nearly dinner time – and your mind doesn’t absorb information at night.
TUESDAY 2ND JUNE
8.02 a.m.
I will honestly start revising tomorrow, BUT I have to go round and see Dimple as I haven’t seen her for a few days and I don’t want her to forget me.
Friendship comes before exams.
11.34 a.m.
Dimple’s mum said Dimple had gone to the library to revise. I love her but not enough to walk all the way down there. Especially in drizzle. I’ll get the frizz.
WEDNESDAY 3RD JUNE
12.12 p.m.
I can’t concentrate on my revision. NONE of it is going in. I’m going to text Jen to see how she is getting on.
1.54 p.m.
Jen has done ALL her History, ALL her Geography and even some of her French!!! I told her I have done NOTHING. Jen thinks my “subconscious mind” (googled it again!) is too full to take on more information, and I need to clear my head of things that are bothering me.
Texted back:
Jen, HERE IS
THE PROBLEM. The thing that is most bothering me is my dad, and NO ONE WILL HELP ME!!!
Jen thinks I need to “explore different avenues of assistance”.
What I need are the REAL experts in finding people.
THURSDAY 4TH JUNE
12.35 p.m.
Just rang the BBC. Apparently they only have celebrities on Who Do You Think You Are? But the woman there was dead nice and suggested some people called the Salvation Army.
5.12 p.m.
Mum just asked how my revision was going. I lied and said, “Good.”
I’ll call the military people tomorrow. I am surprised the Salvation Army offer that service considering they are fighting wars all over the place.
FRIDAY 5TH JUNE
2.24 p.m.
OMG – the Salvation Army are an actual church!
The woman there was dead lovely too. Unfortunately she said that they didn’t trace fathers of children “born outside of marriage” (I think that’s me), and even if they did she would probably need a little more information than “He might be called Carlo.”
Still at least she didn’t tell me to shut up. In fact complete strangers are nicer to me than my own family.
5.53 p.m.
Goose has just been round. I told him the trail had gone cold again.
Then he came up with the best idea EVER: HIRE A PRIVATE DETECTIVE!!! IT IS GENIUS!!! We are going to research it fully tomorrow over some KFC.
Goose is officially MYHERO.COM.
7.12 p.m.
Mum has been up again to ask me what I had revised today. I said “stuff”. I think she fell for it.
SATURDAY 6TH JUNE
4.15 p.m.
Goose and me have spent all day looking into private detectives.
It seemed really hopeful at first because we found a company that had a 95% success rate in finding missing people. BUT when we read more on the website, that’s only if you have their full date of birth AND a last known address. I don’t have any of that. Plus it costs £200. We can’t afford that! Goose and I are so skint we had to share a two-piece meal at KFC!
Anyway Goose gave me a hug and said, “Hats, we will find your dad – I promise.” Then he gave me one of these intense stares he does sometimes and it all went a bit weird.
So weird I had to say the first thing that came into my head, which was: “Do you think it’s true that Victoria Beckham just eats boiled eggs to stay thin?” Goose thinks she probably just watches what she eats and has a fast metabolism.
He’s good with girlie things.
8.12 p.m.
My gran rang. She has bought a Nintendo DS. She is 67 years old.
8.34 p.m.
Please note: I can’t afford a KFC Bargain Bucket or a private detective, BUT my gran CAN afford a DS.
SUNDAY 7TH JUNE
7.53 p.m.
Went round to Gran’s for dinner. She was excited as she had just discovered that Super Mario could shoot things from his head. I’m actually worried that she might become a games addict.
9.12 p.m.
I have done no revision, I have not found my dad BUT I have helped my gran get to the 2nd level on Mario Kart.
My life is TRAGIC.
MONDAY 8TH JUNE
7.32 a.m.
BACK TO SCHOOL AND CAB MEETING.
Telling school I have a dentist appointment but I’m seeing the Citizens’ Advice Bureau at 9.30 a.m.
1.34 p.m.
The woman at the CAB was MAHOOSIVELY LOVELY. She was called Sylvia and she used to be a lawyer until she retired. Then she got sick of watching daytime TV and now she works at the CAB for FREE! MENTAL!
Anyway she suggested a lot of things that I’ve tried already (the Internet, Salvation Army), THEN she said AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE: “Have you looked at your birth certificate? Your father should be named on it.”
OMG – GENIUS. EVERYONE has a birth certificate and Sylvia reckons if I have a passport (I do!), there is probably a birth certificate in the house.
Sylvia ALSO said, “I wish you all the best, Hattie. You seem like a smashing young woman.”
Yes, Sylvia – a smashing young woman who is going to find her birth certificate AND her dad.
Now I have to work out when the right time is to ask Mum.
4.13 p.m.
MAGNIFICENT at school today!!!
Loads of us haven’t done any revision and we all know that we are going to get the most craptacular exam marks ever. So we have OFFICIALLY set up a Cheat Club. It’s me, Clare, Dibbo Hannah, Charlie and Becca. We are going to work out a way to get through the exams without doing any work.
5.32 p.m.
Mum just got in. She didn’t get a delivery of tea bags to the cafe this morning – 10 pensioners threatened a sit-in, as a “Big Brew” is advertised as part of her special OAP breakfast meal deal – AND GRAN WAS LEADING THE PROTEST!
Now is NOT the time to ask about my birth certificate.
7.45 p.m.
Jen just texted – she is worried that the Cheat Club doesn’t fit in with the values of the NFPG. I have told her that really exams are a completely unfair way of testing your brain, and the Cheat Club is partly about trying to find fairer tests. She is going to text Dimple.
8.34 p.m.
Jen just texted – her and Dimple agree that the Cheat Club is basically OK but must be kept separate from the NFPG. I have agreed.
It’s all right for Jen and Dimple – they know who their dads are, so they can actually revise. In the Cheat Club 3 of us have never met our actual fathers. That’s why we are actually craptacular at concentrating.
TUESDAY 9TH JUNE
7.32 a.m.
Mum is still livid. I know her bad moods. This could last a week. I’m not risking asking and ruining a good chance to get the truth. I’ll just focus on getting through my exams.
5.02 p.m.
The Cheat Club has a plan! Clare is going to pretend to sleepwalk into the staffroom and try to get the exam papers. It’s brave but it may just work. Clare was the lead in the school play last year so she is an amazing actress and does occasionally sleepwalk. She says she needs time to “get into the role”.
We have given her tonight to get herself ready.
WEDNESDAY 10TH JUNE
8.01 a.m.
Clare is going to do it today at lunch – she says no one can tell her off as the doctor has told her mum she shouldn’t be woken up at any point.
MY mum is OFFICIALLY not speaking to Gran because of Tea-Gate. Living with her is like living with an anger bomb.
4.23 p.m.
Cheat Club FAIL. Clare walked into the staffroom, but Bitchface Matfield didn’t know you weren’t meant to wake someone while sleepwalking, and started blowing a whistle in her actual ear. Then Matfield found a “Cheat Club ROCKS” piece of graffiti on Dibbo Hannah’s pencil case. Dibbo Hannah has cracked under pressure and told her everything. Mrs Cob now wants to see us tomorrow.
We have to think of something else.
THURSDAY 11TH JUNE
6.32 a.m.
Gran just rang Mum to apologize. Mum told me that she said sorry and blamed it on “tea dependence”. She told Mum that when you’re geared up for a cup of PG and it doesn’t come it can send you over the edge.
7.34 p.m.
Mrs Cob said she thought the Cheat Club was disgusting, and that “cheating in exams went against the very ethos of the school”. She said she would be monitoring our exam results very closely.
We are screwed. I have basically got to revise EVERYTHING this weekend.
FRIDAY 12TH JUNE
5.12 p.m.
Mrs Matfield made all the members of the Cheat Club stand up today in Art. She then said, “Today we are going to paint ‘deceit’. What do you think deceit looks like? I think it’s very ugly and will get nowhere in life.”
This actually makes no sense but she got her point across. COW.
SATURDAY 13TH JUNE
5.02 a.m.
7.10 a.m.
Just revised glaciaiation.
7.15 a.m.
It’s “glaciation”. I can’t even spell the subject!
9.45 a.m.
Just did 2 hours of the Tudors. I like the Tudors. I watched some of the TV show on YouTube. King Henry was all GORGEOUSNESS when he was young.
12.36 p.m.
Gran just rang – she has won a 2-week holiday in Portugal. She must take the holiday between 14th October and 1st November and pay a non-refundable £175 administration fee. All she has to do is listen to 3 4-hour presentations on a great opportunity to share in a property in the Algarve.