by Rae Earl
Dimple just rang to ask if me asking her if I had a moustache was actually my way of saying that she had a moustache. I was like, “NO – seriously, Dimps, you have NO top lip hair. I asked because my mum mentioned that people working in a cafe with a moustache have to wear a moustache net, and I thought she was saying I had a moustache.”
Dimps said, “Isn’t that weird? I thought you were saying that I had a moustache because you thought your mum was saying that you had a moustache when she told you about people who do actually have to wear a net because they have a moustache.”
5.12 p.m.
I think that may have been the most boring conversation ever written in a diary.
6.01 p.m.
I have had the most boring day ever – that’s the problem.
SATURDAY 8TH AUGUST
6.12 p.m.
I hate to agree with Mum but it’s true. After working all day you don’t feel like doing anything. Even looking for your REAL dad.
SUNDAY 9TH AUGUST
4.13 p.m.
Asked Mum if she would consider putting on some of my Gordon Ramsay-inspired specials:
goat’s cheese salad
fresh hummus with crudités
tomato and courgette frittata with a tomato ketchup coulis (actually it’s just tomato ketchup but a coulis makes it sound better)
Mum said that she didn’t think that builders would really go for any of those – but if I liked I could try the tomato frittata tomorrow.
MONDAY 10TH AUGUST
7.23 p.m.
I have decided all builders are total rubbish – ONLY ONE OF THEM went for my tomato frittata. They all just stuck to boring old bacon sandwiches and burgers. No wonder all men die of heart attacks at age 40 – ALL of them eat rubbish.
Goose came in and Mum gave him some of my frittata for free – it’s unbelievable what that boy gets away with!
Mum says I can try the goat’s cheese salad tomorrow but I can only make two of them. Great.
TUESDAY 11TH AUGUST
5.12 p.m.
Tyler, who ate my frittata yesterday, ate my goat’s cheese salad today. He said it was nice and sharp. He is 17. I think I might like him. I know I’ve only just finished with Jürgen – but he was just a fling.
WEDNESDAY 12TH AUGUST
2.13 p.m.
Told Goose about TYLER. HE SAID ALL BUILDERS WERE THICK and that I could do better. Goose is down on anyone I remotely like. It’s weird.
THURSDAY 13TH AUGUST
4.13 p.m.
Tyler came in and asked if I had any specials on. When I said no, he said, “That’s a real shame.”
He likes my food – he MUST like me!!!
6.23 p.m.
Marrying a builder would be magnificent. He could do EVERY job in the house. Mum has been waiting for Rob to do the tiling on the shower for about 5 years. Driving instructors can’t help you with anything – except your parking. And then Mum just picks a parking space that has 2 free spaces either side so she always fits.
7.35 p.m.
Goose reckons that while I am busy working he will keep on hunting for my dad. He thinks technically you can get to the end of Google and all the information in the world. Basically unless my dad is from outer space Goose thinks he can find him.
It’s really sweet of him but only one person can really help me find my dad. And she’s too busy at the cash and carry.
FRIDAY 14TH AUGUST
5.43 p.m.
Sat with Tyler at lunch. He is the most boring, BORING man in the history of boring men. He just talked about Top Gear for 2 and a half hours. I don’t care if Jeremy Clarkson smashed a train into a people carrier, and how “cool” it was.
And THEN he said, “You don’t have a lot to say for yourself, do you?”
NO, I DON’T, BECAUSE YOU DON’T SHUT UP.
If all boys are going to go on about is cars then I would rather NOT have a boyfriend.
7.12 p.m.
Goose has found nothing new about my dad. But he did find a great video of an antelope crashing into a cyclist.
I don’t think I want any boys who are friends either.
SATURDAY 15TH AUGUST
8.39 p.m.
Went to see Gran today. She says boys can wait. Anyway she thinks I should marry a royal. She thinks that I would be great at “regal duties” and she would really enjoy living with us, as the queen can afford to have a walk-in bath put in.
10.02 p.m.
Texted Dimple. She thinks I would be quite a good princess.
10.34 p.m.
Texted Jen. She says it’s fine for me to marry someone really posh but she is still coming emo to the wedding.
SUNDAY 16TH AUGUST
8.23 a.m.
Can you actually marry a royal if you don’t know who your dad is?
9.12 a.m.
Even Goose doesn’t know. He has just found something on eHow called “How to Marry a Royal”. He is bringing it round tomorrow for us to go through.
Goose doesn’t think I should go for a royal, and that “happiness could probably be found closer to home”. Goose, you might want to stay in Derby all your life but I want some GLAM! AND I want a tiara.
7.12 p.m.
Called Gran. I told her that I probably was a bit too moody to be a royal wife and that I would need to tell the queen who my dad was. Gran said she “had gone right off the idea too” because she “wouldn’t have a private life any more and that would play havoc with her bingo schedule”.
8.32 p.m.
Just realized my gran went off me being a royal when I mentioned my dad again. I will have to get married one day, everyone, and then I HAVE to know.
MONDAY 17TH AUGUST
8.34 p.m.
Goose’s eHow article was useless. I can’t find my own father let alone discover some noble bloodline. The only thing I can do on the list is “act with indifference and contempt”. That’s easy – I will start with my brother. LOL!
TUESDAY 18TH AUGUST
5.45 p.m.
Acting with indifference and contempt in a cafe just gets you in trouble.
Tyler complained to my mum that I just “bloody threw his burger at him”. Then Fat Dave the foreman said that I had “an attitude problem” when delivering his brew, and that he had “enough surly women to cope with at home without having to deal with a right little madam while he was at work”.
Can’t wait till these people have to be nice to me and I get my breakfast made for me.
6.36 p.m.
My mum is not buying her mother of the bride outfit from Primark. The queen will go mental.
7.01 p.m.
All royal marriages end in divorce anyway. Wish I could divorce my brother. And my mum!
7.16 p.m
OMG – you CAN divorce your mum. You can divorce your parents. Found it on eHow. Why didn’t Goose find this?!!
Perhaps that’s what I’ll do. That’s what they always do in soaps. Threaten someone who loves you with divorce and they do WHATEVER YOU WANT! If I said, “Mum, we’re through!” I know she would TOTALLY tell me about my dad.
7.26 p.m.
That is SO an EastEnders ending. You can even hear the “dum dum dum der der der DUM DUMS!!!”
7.34 p.m.
Goose thinks divorcing my mum is nasty and stupid. Well, not telling me who my dad is is nasty and stupid too, Goose.
WEDNESDAY 19TH AUGUST
7.54 a.m.
Just told my mum I wanted a divorce from her due to our “toxic relationship”.
MUM: (MASSIVE LAUGH) Who do you think you are, Hattie? Macaulay Culkin?!
ME: (CALM BUT SLIGHTLY PSYCHO) Tell me who my dad is and I’ll call off the divorce.
MUM: (REALLY LAUGHING) Only American film stars divorce their parents.
ME: That’s not true! An American gymnast did it too.
MUM: Hattie, I will tell you about your dad when it’s the right time. Not when you threaten me with something stupid.
9.37 a.m.
Rang the council and asked if they give financial assistance to people who have divorced their parents. The woman laughed and said no. Neither can you get a flat or a clothing allowance. What is wrong with this country?!
11.45 a.m.
Who IS Macaulay Culkin anyway?
12.11 p.m.
Macaulay Culkin is the little boy from Home Alone. Only he’s about 40 now. Probably with kids of his own he actually speaks to.
THURSDAY 20TH AUGUST
12.01 p.m.
Postman knocked this morning. It was my prom dress from China.
Sometimes EVERYTHING is crapbloodytacular.
1.12 p.m.
OMG – my PROM dress is spectacular! I can’t believe it cost 27p (plus the postage). EVEN I THINK I LOOK GOOD. I’M KEEPING IT ON ALL DAY. MAYBE ALL ACTUAL YEAR.
1.25 p.m.
Texted photo of me in dress to Dimple and Jen. THEY LOVE IT. Jen thinks I look like Bella Swan in it. YES, EDWARD CULLEN, COME AND SNOG ME!
1.29 p.m.
But don’t bite me and make me into a vampire as I actually like the day time.
2.23 p.m.
I know Edward Cullen is lush and everything but what’s the point of a boyfriend you can’t go on holiday anywhere nice with? Bella hasn’t thought that through. When she’s in Florida he will be sat at home with the curtains closed.
2.45 p.m.
Jen says living in a cloudy place is a small price to pay for an all-consuming, eternal and passionate love.
3.12 p.m.
Rob just brought me up a random Jaffa Cake and said I looked AMAZING. Feel bad now. I wish he was my dad. But he’s not, is he?
FRIDAY 21ST AUGUST
6.54 p.m.
Had a Facebook message from Jürgen:
Hatz,
I am kissing a girl called Gerda. She is hot.
Stay cool,
Jürgen
1. I don’t care.
2. I don’t actually care.
3. “Stay cool”? GEEK.
4. Gerda sounds like a type of yoghurt.
Bet she gets bored of kissing him too.
SATURDAY 22ND AUGUST
8.23 a.m.
Just had a text from Gran – it says I have to go round there urgently as she’s had a “life-changing” email.
OMG – it could be my dad.
4.32 p.m.
When I got round to Gran’s she made me swear a vow of total silence. She said she didn’t know how they had managed to get hold of her email address, but she had been sent this. I’ve printed it out:
From:
Date: August 20, 14:53:15 PM GMT
To:
Subject: Nigel chase me! Help me and my dog will give you millions!
Dear Friend,
My name is Prince Coker Okoye. I used to live amongst peacocks and friendly tortoises in a palace they call “Very Nice Palace”. Then my dog Mike bit a Nigel. He cross at Nigel for riding giraffes. Nigel get angry and Mike and me come to live in bungalow in the Gambia. I weep now with poor. Mike eats Moths. Sadness is all over my sofa. And in my trousers.
Because we had to flee fast I have left $20 million US in a bank account in Nigeria. I am unable to collect this money as if I return to Nigeria my dog Mike forced to work in a diamond mine until his tail becomes a droop. He may even be sold to bad chefs and end up in a sauce. My tortoises are already a curry.
If I return I certainly will fail to feel alive and may even have my hair toes and fingers trimmed with a very big gun.
I beg of you, friend, you can help me release my money. Please send me $1,000 so I can pay for international bank fees to transfer my money from Nigeria to Gambia. In grateful for this I will give you 5% of my earnings. If you send me your bank details I will do this immediately when my money arrives.
Please keep this transaction absolutely secret. Tell not even your beloved partner or pet for fear I will be captured and fed to the madness of Nigel’s elephants. If your interest is mine I would want you to contact me immediately through my email address: [email protected]
Thank God she told me. I explained it was a scam to get money off her. Gran didn’t believe it at first till I said, “How many people do you know with a dog called Mike?” Gran shouted, “Goose has got a cat called Colin!” But I said, “Just read it through again – why would a prince contact a senior citizen from Derby?”
Gran agreed that thieving scams like this were wicked, but admitted that when Mum was little and when she didn’t have much money she regularly took vegetables from farmers’ fields. Gran as a thief?! I cannot believe it. She thinks people who overfill their wheelie bins should get life. She could see that I was shocked. She said, “Poor people will do desperate things, Hattie – never forget that. Be grateful that your mum can and does work hard to afford nice things for you.”
I am grateful to my mum but when I try to tell her it comes out wrong. Like when I said the top she got me recently was “really nice – especially considering it came from Dorothy Perkins”.
SUNDAY 23RD AUGUST
11.32 a.m.
Gran just called me to thank me for saving her from “scum scammers”. I may actually be a hero and this hero will be spending Sunday doing nothing.
12.45 p.m.
OMG – I have just had the biggest shock ever looking in Rob’s paper.
I have just seen a photo of Daniel Radcliffe – now when he was Harry Potter he was dweeb central – but now he’s TOTAL HOTNESS. He’s wearing a tux and looks like an actual proper guy. There is no way you would think he was ever a small geeky wizard with a pet owl!
5.32 p.m.
I have OFFICIALLY got a massive crush on Dan Radcliffe. Dimple and Jen have seen the photo and they think it’s fine as now he is clearly a real man.
MONDAY 24TH AUGUST
9.21 p.m.
I swear – working in the cafe is easy when you can think about Daniel Radcliffe in his tux ALL DAY. I made 8 ham and tomato rolls without even having to engage my brain. This must be how everyone gets through having to work – THINKING OF HOT SEX!
TUESDAY 25TH AUGUST
5.12 p.m.
My brother has heard about my love for Dan.
Now he is calling me Hermione and asking where my wand is, because “he knows where Daniel’s wand is”. He thinks he is Captain Hilarious – he is not. He is Flight Lieutenant Not Funny At All, and I wish he would go on an unarmed mission somewhere very dangerous.
He is also TOTALLY OUT OF DATE. DAN IS A MAN. HARRY POTTER IS GONE!
7.52 p.m.
Just told my brother he might find a nice little place in Afghanistan to stay in if he fancies moving out.
He said, “Oh, Hattie, you are so hilarious – you should be on QI.”
8.13 p.m.
Actually I think I should be on QI. They never have women on there, except for Jo Brand. I know my mum loves her, but she’s not very glam, is she?
8.43 p.m.
Mum says you don’t need glamour when you have humour. This is TOTAL, TOTAL crap.
WEDNESDAY 26TH AUGUST
4.21 p.m.
Spent another day thinking about Dan. He’ll be surrounded by gorgeous women all the time but perhaps someone ordinary will suit him better. Perhaps after years of being a huge celeb he just wants to go to Maccy D’s and share a McFlurry.
5.32 p.m.
If I could persuade him to grow a beard I think we could go just about everywhere without the paparazzi noticing. Not an old man beard – one of those sexy ones that feels furry not prickly.
5.45 p.m.
Actually a Creme Egg McFlurry could get stuck in even a sexy beard so forget that.
6.12 p.m
Texted Dimple. She says we can avoid the media by having takeaways.
THURSDAY 27TH AUGUST
5.32 p.m.
Another great thing about Danny (this is what I would call him) is he is completely rich
and could probably afford a log cabin in the Cotswolds away from everyone. With a roaring fire and a servant who did everything (but disappeared to a shed when you wanted him to).
FRIDAY 28TH AUGUST
(I don’t know the time – it’s been like a dream today…)