by Rae Earl
THURSDAY 10TH DECEMBER
5.23 p.m.
Met Dimple and Jen after they had finished school and told them everything.
Jen had to take half a bottle of Bach Rescue Remedy to cope with the shock. Dimple just hugged me for about 5 minutes.
They have sworn not to tell a soul.
FRIDAY 11TH DECEMBER
4.55 p.m.
Jen just texted. MGK has told Danny Fenton (she fancies him), who told Rachel McGuff (he fancies her), who told Katie Hayes, who told EVERYONE.
MGK has been officially told off for spreading rumours.
She has to do an essay on something called “The Charge of the Light Brigade”, so she learns how dangerous gossip can be.
LOL!
Just keep her away from me.
SATURDAY 12TH DECEMBER
11.09 a.m.
The thought of seeing MGK makes me feel like PUKING like you would NOT believe. It’s like finding out your half-sister is Hitler. But worse because she’s alive without a moustache (she has a Brazilian every month in fact) and has the best wardrobe in the area.
4.56 p.m.
I asked my mum tonight about relationships. She explained they could be complicated, and she was very confused about my dad.
Apparently she was going out with him first and had Nathan. Then MGK’s mum went out with him after they had split up – but then she got back with him.
I asked, “What was so special about him?” Mum said, “He had charm, Hattie, but he couldn’t stay put. He could never settle. When he got something he wanted, he wanted something else.”
OMG – I think I AM like my dad.
SUNDAY 13TH DECEMBER
7.23 p.m.
I need to face up to things. I need to face my fears. I need to face MGK. I’ve called an emergency family meeting tomorrow.
Bet she turns up looking stunning.
How long has she known?
8.12 p.m.
OMG – what if we can actually be friends? We are about the same size. Surely it’s impossible to really hate your actual real half-sister and not lend her your clothes, bags, shoes and collection of Pandora charms!
MONDAY 14TH DECEMBER
4.01 p.m.
The stares today were unbelievable. I could see everyone was whispering about me. And the best thing – MGK wasn’t even at school today! Apparently she has a “virus”. Hope she still manages to turn up tonight. I’m dreading it but I need to face it.
OMG, I’m mature.
4.34 p.m.
Just took Goose round his birthday card. He said, “Look, Hattie, if there’s anything I can do PLEASE just say. Even if it’s just a hug.”
It went weird again – so I had to go.
5.23 p.m.
“FAMILY” MEETING.
THE FIRST THING MGK said was: “You’re not borrowing anything.”
She’s known since she was 11. Her mum didn’t bother telling her till we both got to high school and saw each other every day. MGK never told anyone because she “didn’t even want to admit to herself that it was true”. Plus she “loved having it over me”.
Her mum said, “Ruby!” when she told me that. MGK just smirked. COW.
My mum didn’t tell me when I was 11 BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T THINK I COULD COPE WITH IT!!!
AND they all wanted everyone to just forget about it.
When I shouted that that was TOTALLY LAME, Mum said, “Then the older you got, Hattie, the harder it seemed to tell you. You’ve never got on with Ruby and I knew you would ask questions about your dad that I couldn’t answer. Or didn’t want to answer. We didn’t want a scandal. We didn’t want people to know.”
So I shouted, “BUT EVERYONE DOES KNOW NOW, MUM!!!” And then Mum said, “But you’re older now, Hattie. And you’re clever and witty and you can cope.”
I know she is just being nice to me so I’m not totally mental with her.
Then Gran said, “I wanted people to just forget about it. I couldn’t show my face at bingo for a fortnight after it all came out.”
So just to confirm – they didn’t want to tell us because of my gran’s social life.
ANYWAY…
THE FACTS:
Our dad is not called Carlo. He is called Keith.
Keith. Keith. The only name more un-glam than Keith is Bernard. There have never been ANY famous Keiths EVER.
Carlo was a nickname because the only food he ate was spaghetti bolognese. According to my mum he would “make a huge load of it on a Sunday, then have it every night till Saturday, when he had a kebab”.
He is not a hairdresser. He is a plumber.
He is from STOKE-ON-TRENT. I went through there once when Rob got TOTALLY lost on the way to Alton Towers. IT IS HORRIBLE.
He emigrated to Tasmania.
GRAN HAS HIS LAST-KNOWN ADDRESS and is GOING TO TRY TO CONTACT HIM. Apparently he wrote to her about 3 years after he left to ask how Mum was “getting on”. She didn’t reply and she doesn’t hold out much hope as he is – according to her – “a useless waste of space that needs a foot up his arse”.
MGK just sat there looking gorgeous. She isn’t bothered about finding her “biological” father because her real dad is “the man who has been around since she was 2”.
The man who just happens to be a very nearly millionaire.
She also isn’t bothered about being friends with me as I’m “not really anything like her and a Topshop ch—”
Gran cut her off there and said, “Oi, lady, blood is thicker than water. And I’ll tell you something, Hattie may not have your style but she knows how to look after a dog. Unlike YOU.”
At this point Princess the Wonder Dog growled and MGK stormed out and nearly fell over her stupid lap-dancer heels!
I LOVE GRAN.
6.18 p.m.
Just looked Tasmania up. It’s in Africa. No WAY am I going there – no Facebook, no mob, no TV – NO LIFE!!!
6.34 p.m.
Texted Dimple. She says I am looking at Tanzania. Tasmania is an island off Australia. I still doubt Facebook works there either though.
TUESDAY 15TH DECEMBER
6.32 p.m.
Just written this. Sending it off tomorrow.
From: Hattie Moore
Date: February 15, 18:19:29 PM GMT
To:
Subject: Jeremy – this would be your best show EVER! It could get you a Bafta SERIOUSLY
Dear Jeremy Kyle,
I know you do not normally allow under-16s on your show but I wonder if you would make an exception for my family.
My mum has refused to tell me who my real father is for years. Then last week she told me that my father is a plumber called Keith from Stoke-on-Trent. He is also the father of the girl who has been my total enemy since starting high school!
On top of all this my gran has dabbled in drugs, and my brother abuses me by forcing me to perform nursery rhymes in return for money that I need to actually stay alive.
I think they all need to be told just how badly their behaviour is affecting me.
If you can find my dad we could do a DNA special results show too.
Love,
Hattie Moore
7.12 p.m.
OMG!!!
Didn’t ask Mum what my dad’s ACTUAL surname is.
7.34 p.m.
RAMSBOTTOM!!!
RAMSBOTTOM!!!
KEITH RAMSBOTTOM!!!
If MGK EVER hears about this, socially I am dead.
7.55 p.m.
Hang on. THAT’S MGK’s dad TOO. Her power OVER ME HAS ENDED!!!
8.12 p.m.
It hasn’t ended. It’s a bit reduced.
WEDNESDAY 16TH DECEMBER
4.34 p.m.
Matfield said my painting in Art today showed “great promise”. Apparently if your parents ring up the school and say you’ve got family problems, Matfield is MADE to be nice to you.
6.12 p.m.
Mr Rathod has refused to
ring up the school to pretend to be getting divorced just so Matfield is nice to Dimple. Dimple is sick of Matfield telling her that she has as much artistic ability as a monkey.
THURSDAY 17TH DECEMBER
8.12 a.m.
Woke up feeling furious today.
I think I HAVE been in shock. OMG – I BASICALLY HAVE AN EVIL TWIN AND NO ONE TOLD ME!!!
AND OMG – my dad is called Keith – and no one told me!!!
5.32 p.m.
I’m in MAHOOSIVE trouble. I WENT MENTAL at Matfield today.
She was picking on Dimple again for not being able to draw hands properly, and I just shouted, “You know what Mrs Matfield? If you are so pissing good at drawing hands, WIND IT IN AND DO ONE!!!”
Everyone went quiet and Matfield screamed, “Go and see Mrs Cob – NOW.”
Mrs Cob was angry but said, “Hattie, I know you’ve had some problems at home but that’s no excuse. Go home today, and think about how you have acted.”
Mum went MENTAL. Usual craptacular stuff like: “You have to control your temper”, “I know things have been hard but you need to mind your tongue”. I just walked off.
She had an affair with a man called Keith. I don’t have to listen to anything she says!
6.45 p.m.
Goose heard the row. He says we need to try to “understand”.
7.12 p.m.
Gran has asked me round tomorrow. She wants to talk to me after school.
FRIDAY 18TH DECEMBER
10.41 a.m.
I am NOW known as “Hattie see-through tit top MATFIELD-SLAYER”. Jen says someone is even thinking of starting a Facebook page in my honour called “Hattie Moore is a TOTAL legend”.
5.35 p.m.
Gran sat me down and told me I had to stop acting like something terrible had happened.
She said, “Have you once thought of how your mum feels? Or Nathan? Or Rob? You couldn’t have got a better father than Rob. Its not like you’ve lost a member of your family. You STILL have a fantastic mother. So start being nice and stop acting like a brat.”
She’s right. I have been a cow. Not sorry I shouted at Matfield though.
She also said, “I know that you’ve read the diaries so let me just say this. Your grandfather going to prison was a mistake. He was just keeping the letters at our house to keep them dry … and the police got the wrong idea.”
Yeah, Gran. Whatever.
SATURDAY 19TH DECEMBER
7.36 p.m.
Conversation between me and Nathan:
ME: How are you, Nath?
Nathan: Me? Fine. Why? How much do you want to borrow?
ME: Nothing, you massive FAILURE. Just checking you are OK.
That surely proves to him that I care?
8.34 p.m.
Gran just rang my mob. She said, “Hattie, I have to admit something to you – I put pressure on your mum not to tell you. I couldn’t cope with more scandal after what had happened with your grandad. People called me ‘Mrs Percy the Pinching Postie’ FOR YEARS.”
So just to confirm – they ALSO didn’t want to tell me because my gran was married to someone who basically could have been on Crimewatch.
SUNDAY 20TH DECEMBER
6.12 p.m.
Me and Goose went to the car boot with Rob today. Rob couldn’t believe it when I said I wanted to go. It was full of craptacular tat but Rob came over at the end and said, “Thanks, Hattie. Was great to have you here today.”
I think I’m actually quite good at being lovely.
7.01 p.m.
May start a blog next year. I can offer people advice. Especially people who have dads who don’t care, grans with mental dogs, and Art teachers who are actually the devil.
MONDAY 21ST DECEMBER
4.32 p.m.
Came home from Christmas shopping with Dimple to find everyone in the front room again. Goose and Nathan were smiling but Gran, Mum and Rob looked VERY pissy.
Mum said, “Hattie, got some news for you. Gran has found your dad. And he’s flying over. He gets here Christmas Eve.”
Christmas Eve?!
He gets here Christmas EVE?!!
Gran said, “Yes – he’s staying with me. He realizes he’s been an idiot. But I am telling you, Hattie – don’t expect a bloody miracle. I know it’s Christmas but a leopard doesn’t change its spots. There’s more chance of another virgin birth than him being a decent father.”
Mum told her off but I don’t care. I finally get to meet MY ACTUAL DAD. I gave Goose a hug. I didn’t hug Nathan but I smiled at him.
OMG – I AM GETTING A DAD FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
8.12 p.m.
OMG – I am SO NERVOUS I could puke.
8.23 p.m.
Rang Jen. She said she was going to put a ceremonial Yule log in her front garden, as the placing of wood encourages good family relationships.
8.42 p.m.
Texted Dimple. She said:
Don’t be nervous, Hats. Think of him as Father Christmas. Just a Father Christmas called Keith.
I don’t know what I’d do without my friends…
9.13 p.m.
In fact my friends have TOTALLY saved me this year as I’ve had the biggest life journey EVER.
OMG that sounded mahoosively Dr Phil. BUT if you write down what I have learnt since I started this, it’s mental.
When the biggest cow at school picks on you, it’s probably because she is your half-sister.
Anybody could find out their real dad has a craptacular name and mends toilets. Unless you get Jeremy Kyle to do your DNA you can NEVER be totally sure.
Some boys like girls to be bad at Grand Theft Auto because it makes them feel better. All boys who think like this cannot actually use their tongues properly. LOL!
Some English boys think texting 14 times in 1 day is unreasonable – which shows they are TOTALLY immature.
Austrian boys kiss like hot love-beasts but get really boring quickly.
Karaoke makes normally sensible adults act like they are on The X-Factor final and should be banned.
Evil teachers at school can be forced to be nice to you if your family life is craptacular. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THIS?! IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT FACT OF LIFE.
My gran is the world’s most mental woman.
Blackbirds, sparrows, blue tits and robins cannot handle drugs.
Grans cannot handle drugs.
London is MAHOOSIVE and you can’t get anywhere in 5 minutes. The Underground map is also a bunch of squiggly lines that make NO SENSE.
Your best friend can basically be Miss World and you CAN control your jealousy so it doesn’t ruin the greatest friendship ever.
I am a fully sensual woman who can slightly rock braces.
When you are friends with a boy sometimes it can get confusing. And it goes weird. Actually I don’t know what I’ve learnt from this. I’m still confused.
The point is if I’ve learnt all this THIS YEAR what’s NEXT YEAR going to be like when I have my ACTUAL DAD in my life too?
Have to go – Goose is knocking on the wall. He says he needs to speak to me urgently and “It can’t wait – it needs to be face to face”. OMG why are things always so dramatic with men?! They need to be like me, Dimple and Jen … ACTUALLY UNCOMPLICATED…
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Kevin Johnson
Thank you for building my writing shed and letting me fill it with photos of the ‘Carry On’ Team.
My Mum
For having her hair done at least 4 times a week. Even at 70. (Thanks Sandra Jackson BTW – you’re super.)
Emma Drury
My best friend – thank you for sharing everything including the HELL and INJUSTICE of GCSE art.
Lucy Kearney
The brilliant Gnu for the greatest chats and health advice – ‘Dates Rae Dates!’
Sarah ‘Saz De P’ Powell
For all the giggles wherever we are in the world. I’ll never make you go to Mona again.
Daphne and Peter
Johnson
For packing furniture so brilliantly it survives even the roughest baggage handler.
Richard and Sylvia Moore
(Adopts Richard’s Northern voice) ‘Thanks for being RIGHT lovely with your hospitality and kindness.’
Roo Green
(Performs Roobot) for brilliantly reminding me that we are in the most competitive era of mankind EVER.
My brother, Kevin Earl
‘TROUT!”
Andy Cattanach
For introducing me to the KLF chill out album.
Rob Wagstaff
For being a living legend and for sending me the Nightlife clock.
Donna Sookee
‘The Don’. For the greatest mornings of gossip and for the phrase ‘You’re bloody killing me Rae.’
The wonderful Paul Robey
Yootha Joyce. Coro. Mrs. Bridges. Betty’s hotpot. It’s ALL the law.
Michelle and John at L.V.P.O.
Thank you for all your legal/spiritual/postal/magazine advice!