by Blaire Drake
He was already standing at the door when I got there. “Are those cookies?”
“Yep.” I shoved the plate at him.
“Did you…bake them?”
“Nope.” I half smiled. “I told you—I can’t cook anything. Not even soup.”
He smiled warmly. “You’ve gotta work on that.”
“Ah, it’s all right. A girl can’t have everything.”
His smile became a grin, and he stepped to the side so I could go in. It was much warmer inside than out, so I took my jacket off and hung it up. Jordan walked past me and set the cookies on the kitchen side.
“Coffee?” he asked.
“Sure.” I clasped my hands in front of my stomach and followed him into the room.
Awkwardness hung in the air, and it didn’t matter that we were two adults and should have been able to steamroll into a conversation about our relationship. We weren’t exempt from the awkward nervousness that accompanied the uncertainly of the unknown. In fact, we were more than prone to it, especially us.
We both knew what it was to hurt.
“Here.” He held a steaming mug out to me.
I took it gratefully, wrapping my hands around it. It warmed me right through my body, and the rich scent of the coffee alone woke me up a little.
“What happens now?” I asked.
Jordan leaned against the kitchen counter. “I look for a new job and you, hopefully, carry on as normal.”
“Not that. Us.” I met his eyes, prepared to drown in their blueness. “What happens with us?”
“Nothing needs to change, Darcy. If anything, this is a better situation.”
“How can this possibly be better? You lost your job!”
“Come here.” His T-shirt stretched over his arms as he held them out to me.
I set the coffee mug down and rushed to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist tightly, my face pressing into his chest.
I needed to feel him. Remind myself what he smelled like. What it was like to be enveloped in his arms and have his breath fluttering through my hair.
“We don’t have to hide anymore,” he whispered into my hair. “This is the best thing that could have happened. I don’t want you to worry about me. Worry about yourself, sweet thing. Worry about me when you know if Harvard is still an option, okay?”
“Screw Harvard,” I muttered.
“You don’t mean that.”
“No, I don’t.” I laughed softly and sniffed, looking up at him. “What if it is and I get in and I have to leave here?”
He held his arms out, his eyebrows raised. A tiny smile teased his mouth. “You see a job keeping me here?”
“You’re so silly.”
He laughed and hugged me tight. “Look, Darcy. Just because everything has changed doesn’t mean it’s the end. If anything, this is the beginning for us.”
“You think?”
He spun me around then hoisted me onto the kitchen counter. He stepped between my legs, and my arms circled his neck.
“I know it is,” he said. “I’m not tied to Chicago. If you go to Harvard, I’ll go with you. If you go to New York, Washington, California… Wherever you go, Darcy, I’ll go with you. No matter where it is.”
I pressed my lips against his. I didn’t have anything to say back to that. I didn’t know what to say back to that.
“But,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.”
That sounded daunting.
“Okay.”
“I’ve been invited by a friend and old colleague to go on a research trip. To the UK.” He paused, his eyes searching my face. “In three weeks.”
“Oh. Wow.” Yeah, wow. “For…how long?”
“A little over six months.”
My eyes widened. Double wow. Triple wow.
“Wow.” I was running out of words.
“I spoke with him yesterday. I haven’t given him an answer yet.”
I frowned. “Are you…asking me if you can go?”
“Yes and no.”
“This is what you love, right?” I brushed my thumb across the stubble of his jaw. “Go, Jordan. I’m not exactly going anywhere here. At least, I hope I’m not.”
“I’ll be here when you find out from Dr. Lewellyn what will happen. I’ll be here through all of that until I have to go.”
“I know.”
He touched the side of my face and looked into my eyes. I thought he was going to speak, but instead of that, he kissed me. The familiar rush of need washed through me, and my legs wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer to me.
I lost myself in his kiss. Everything else melted away as he pulled me off the counter and, with his hands on my butt, carried me to the stairs and up them. I grinned as we bumped into a wall and giggled when he told me to shut up.
He dropped me on the bed and leaned over me. My body was alight with need, and as he removed our clothes and explored his way across my body, it was almost as if he were worshipping me.
And when he finally slid inside me and rocked his hips against mine, I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.
Dear Professor, it feels strange to call you that. Maybe I should say “Dear Lover.” *grins* Xoxo, Darcy.
I closed the door to Dr. Lewellyn’s office with tears stinging my eyes. My suspension had ended. I would finish my undergrad studies in Chicago, but it wouldn’t be the fairytale ending my heart had still hoped it would be.
The relationship was going on my record. No matter how high my grades were or how hard Jordan had tried to convince them that I should walk away without a blemish on my record, the board had decided that it was necessary. In doing that, I knew that my ultimate dream was over. Harvard was no longer attainable.
I wasn’t angry. Rules were there for a reason, and I’d broken one of them. I had known the consequences of my actions, and while my heart had been set on the attempt, I was almost glad I no longer had to worry about it. That the choice had been taken away from me.
Now, I could focus on the other schools, even if Jordan’s letter was now entirely useless.
I wiped under my eyes and reassured myself that it hadn’t all been for nothing. Life had a funny way of showing us who we really were, and I was going to take this as life’s way of showing me that I wasn’t cut out for Harvard.
There was another school out there that would be my perfect fit.
I was upset, but I wouldn’t let it get me down. I could finish my degree. I could still go to a law school. At the end of the day, who I would be in ten years wouldn’t matter. Whichever school I went to wouldn’t dictate my success as a lawyer. That much I did know.
I held on to that thought with everything I had, mostly because that was all I had.
But I had something… And something was far better than nothing.
Two weeks later.
My heart pounded wildly in my chest as my orgasm washed over me. Jordan groaned my name into my ear, gripping my hair tightly as my muscles clenched and pulsed around his cock.
We’d spent almost every waking minute together since his resignation. It was perhaps unhealthy, but I reasoned that we were trying to fit in every last moment we could before he left for the UK.
Today.
This was the last time I would see him, touch him, or hear his tortured, pleasured groan in my ear for six long months.
We were ready. In theory, at least. We were ready for the trials of a long-distance relationship. After discussing the situation with Nisha, we’d agreed that it would be best for my work with Dalton Cam Girls to come to an end. It had left me homeless… Until Jordan had suggested that I move into his house while he was gone.
His argument was that he was going to rent it out anyway. We spent an hour arguing over what I would pay him, and I finally won. I’d pay the mortgage and that was it. I was thankful I had more than enough in my savings.
“Jesus, Darcy,” he murmured in my ear, holding me tight. “I’m gonna miss
you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m going to miss you, too.”
He pulled back and kissed me in a way that proved his words. Then he got up and checked the time. I didn’t want to look—call me crazy, but every minute that ticked by was a minute closer to when he’d go.
I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest as a towel came flying through the door and landed on my head. I laughed as I pulled it off and cleaned myself. He was such an idiot.
The time to leave came all too quickly.
It was like time had skipped forward an hour, and the next thing I knew, I was in my car, driving him to the airport. The radio cut intermittently, only adding to the sombre mood in the car. Even though he kept a tight grip on my hand the whole way there, I couldn’t stop the rolling of my stomach.
He’d become such a huge part of my life that it didn’t seem right for him to be leaving so soon. Although I knew in my rational mind that he would still be a part of my life and we’d talk every day, I would miss the way he cupped my face when he needed me to listen and the way his laugh would make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I’d miss the way he ran his fingers up and down my spine in the morning to wake me up and the way he controlled my body and my pleasure so expertly.
I’d miss every single thing about him.
I pulled up in the parking lot and stopped. Jordan squeezed my hand and looked over at me.
“It’s only six months,” he said.
“I’m sure you’re trying to be reassuring, but it isn’t helping.” I offered him a small smile.
He pressed his lips to my knuckles. “Come on, sweet thing. Let’s get goodbye over and done with. Rip it off like a Band-Aid.”
“Okay.” My smile dropped as I got out of the car.
The wind whipped my hair around my face, and I fought it back behind my ears as he pulled two giant suitcases out of my trunk. He wheeled both of them through the lot and toward the building.
I trailed behind him, feeling sick to my stomach. Ultimately, I knew that this was for the best. We could be together without being together, and his not being in Chicago was a smart idea. I just hated that it was going to be for so long.
When he returned, I would have graduated.
That was a scary idea.
I waited with him as he checked his bags. It seemed like it took forever, and when we finally reached security, he turned to me.
“I’ll e-mail you when I get there,” he reassured me, taking me into his arms. “The moment I land.”
“I got it,” I whispered, holding him tight. “We’ll be okay.”
“We will be.” He kissed me firmly, his lips so warm against mine. “Gonna miss you, sweet thing.”
“I’m gonna miss you, too.” I held back the emotion threatening to escape as he kissed me a second time.
I held on to the kiss like it was my lifeline. Committed every sensation to memory for when I was alone in the dark and missed him. Every part of him embedded itself into my senses, and I gripped on to it so tightly that, if feelings had been real, I’d have snapped them.
He released me too soon and grabbed his bag. He walked backwards to security, his hand in the air, his bright eyes shining. Our whole relationship flashed in front of my eyes, from the day I’d walked into his classroom, to all of our—at the time, unknown to me—online interactions, to that day and every one since.
I couldn’t say that this had been easy.
I watched as he moved through security. The lump in my throat was heavy, totally lodged in there. I took all of my strength not to cry as he came out the other side of security and disappeared into departures.
Only when I was sure he was gone did I turn around and walk out to my car. I didn’t care as the cold winter air smacked me in the face or as the first tiny snowflakes fell from the ground. I barricaded myself in my car and squeezed my eyes closed.
It wasn’t enough.
I rested my head back against the headrest and then, as I took a deep breath, the first tear crept out of the corner of my eye and slipped down my cheek.
It wasn’t the last.
Dear Professor, I miss you. More than I thought I would. Xoxo, Darcy.
Six Months Later.
I stepped onto the podium and accepted my scroll.
It was done. My degree was safely in my hand, and somehow, despite everything, I was headed for one of the best law schools in the country. It’d been a whirlwind year, but it was done, and Jordan would be home next week.
We’d spoken every day since he’d left. Somehow, our relationship had been kept a secret except from the people who really needed to know. Jenna and Bella had gotten me through the first days when I’d missed him the most until it’d dulled into a background feeling that popped up here and there. I’d never been more thankful for their friendship.
I felt as though our time apart had strengthened us. We’d had so little real time together before he’d made the decision to go, but I knew that it had been the right one. As crazy as it sounded, it had needed to happen. We needed to be apart before we could truly be together.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
I hugged my parents tight at the end of the ceremony. Mom had tears in her eyes, and Dad looked prouder than I’d ever seen him. They’d heard a boring version of the story. As far as they were concerned, I’d met Jordan before I had known he was my professor. They weren’t happy about the circumstances, but they were happy for me. Even if Dad was skeptical about the age difference. Still, I was under strict instruction to take him home over the summer.
I was still debating that. Dad was still that much older than Jordan that I had no doubt he’d make him feel like a teenage boy.
The man had more guns than a range.
I was glad I was his daughter, not the person dating his daughter.
I kissed my parents goodbye, ruffled my brothers’ hair, which they hated, and got into my car after removing my cap and gown. I wasn’t interested in the parties or the any of the shit that would come after. The girls were coming over for a girls’ night while my parents started the long drive home—we’d had dinner the night before as a preemptive celebration.
I pulled into the driveway and frowned. I’d thought I’d closed the gates, but I must have left them open. I’d overslept this morning and had to rush out.
I put my key in the door, but it wouldn’t unlock, so I tried the handle.
It was unlocked.
My heart skipped into my throat. There was no sign of anyone anywhere, but the thought crossed my mind that I should call the police. Instead, I quietly pushed the door open.
“Hello?” My voice carried through the house, and I closed the door behind me. There was no one downstairs, so I slowly walked upstairs. The steps creaked beneath my heels, and I anxiously smoothed my dress out. “Hello?”
My bedroom door was ajar, and I frowned. Someone had definitely been there. Now, I was worried, so I pushed the door open with a shaking hand.
“I don’t know about you, but I can’t say I’m a fan of the pink sheets.”
I gasped and turned in the direction of the bed.
Jordan was sitting there. Right there. On the edge of the bed. In front of me. With the biggest damn grin on his face.
I screamed and threw myself at him. He caught me, his laughter filling the room, and hugged me tight even as we fell backward.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I shrieked, my face buried in his neck.
“Did you really think I was going to miss seeing my girl graduate?”
Tears filled my eyes. “You were there?”
He nodded, his hand clasping the back of my neck. “Hidden in the back. I just made it back here a few minutes ago.”
“Oh my God.” My voice was thick, and as I pushed myself up to look down at him, he reached up and wiped under my eye. “You’re really back.”
“Right here, sweet thing.” He rolled us over and looked down at me. “Missed you.”<
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“I missed you too,” I whispered, laughing even as a couple of tears escaped my eyes. “It felt like you were never coming back.”
“Of course I was.” He kissed away the wetness on my cheeks. “I was wondering if I’d come back to find you starving.”
“I am kind of hungry,” I answered.
“Food can wait,” he murmured, his eyes bright. “We have six months to make up for.”
“Who said I wanted food?”
He smirked. “That’s my girl.”
He kissed me then, long and deep. It was desperate. I felt the same. I’d missed the hell out of him, out of this, and I wanted all of him. I needed everything he was ready to give me, because nothing seemed more right in that moment. Except one thing.
“Dear Professor,” I whispered against his lips. “I love you.”
“Xoxo, Darcy,” he said back, his fingers digging into me. “I love you too, sweet thing.”
“J,” I said, grinning.
He laughed then silenced himself by pressing his mouth firmly onto mine yet again.
And, that day, I learned something.
Dreams don’t have to come true for you to get your happily ever after. He had been my nightmare, yet he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. No matter how fucked up we’d started, how messy we were, my own personal boogeyman had become my sandman.
Because I was in love with him, the man who had once been my professor, who’d once graded my papers and slammed me against his office door. The man who’d made me come over his desk, who’d held me when I’d accidentally fell asleep on his sofa. It wasn’t a storybook romance. It wasn’t an epic love story that would still be talked about centuries from now, but it was ours.
It was our messy, forbidden, fucked-up love story.
I didn’t regret a second of it.
Look out for Blaire Drake’s second novel, PRETTY PORNSTAR, coming spring 2016.
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