“So that’s it? We just forget about the whole thing, everything goes back to the way it was?” He’s really not sure that’s possible for him or for anybody else, but he wants to hear Evan’s take on it.
Evan shrugs and finishes his mouthful. “Not quite. The security guys still want to work a few things out—an understanding that you’ll notify them if your sister or father gets in touch with you, that sort of thing.” Evan looks at Dan. “I know it’s a bit insulting, and I understand if it rubs you the wrong way, but… I like that they’re paranoid, you know? Tat’s… she’s casual as hell, totally sloppy about security, and the only reason I’ve got the luxury of letting her stay that way is because they do all the worrying for her. So, if you object, you need to tell me about it, and we’ll figure something out. But it’d be great if you could go along with it.”
Dan nods thoughtfully, and Evan shoots him another look. “How drunk are you? ’Cause there’s some more stuff I’d like to say, and I’d really like to get it off my chest now, but there’s no point if you’re not even gonna remember any of this.”
Dan thinks about lying. He’s getting a pretty strong feeling that he may not have behaved all that well through this, and he’d rather put off being hit over the head with that fact. But there’s no point in postponing the inevitable, so he admits, “I’m not memory-loss drunk. And, honestly, even when I’m sober I lose half of the details in these little conversations of ours, so… go ahead.”
Evan gives him an odd look, then takes a moment to organize his thoughts. “Okay, first thing, and I think I’ve already mentioned this once or twice—you have got to talk to me, Dan! I mean, whatever we are, if we’re friends or even if I’m just your boss, you’ve got to let me know what’s going on and what you need me to do. You know? I realize that you must have been pretty spun to hear all that shit about your family, and I’m sure it sucked a lot to get grilled about your own… mistakes. So I’m not saying you’re not right to be upset. But”—he leans forward intently—“I trusted you before all this came up, and I still trust you. I trust you with my sister’s safety. I don’t think it’s asking too much for you to trust me to try to help you out.”
Dan thinks maybe he is too drunk for this conversation. He can’t really think of anything to say back to that. He just looks at the floor and nods instead.
Evan continues thoughtfully. “Okay, so the next thing is more about the personal side of things. I can’t really do this anymore, the way we’ve been going.”
Dan looks up in surprise. He guesses he shouldn’t be shocked. He’s been totally indecisive about the whole relationship, and then he’d gone mental today. Evan’s right to want something a little less dramatic. He nods, and stands up. “Yeah, okay. I get that. I, uh….” He kind of feels like he should leave, but that doesn’t make sense. Why isn’t Evan the one who’s leaving?
Evan just frowns at him. “Jesus Christ, Dan, you’re running again. Sit down and listen for a minute, will you?”
Dan sits down obediently, staring at his shoes, but he mutters, “I was listening.”
Evan voice is almost patient. “But I wasn’t done. I’m… God help me, I’m still into trying to figure out a way to make this work. But… okay, yeah, you’ve got to calm down a little, but also… I think I need you to make a choice.” He holds up his hands quickly. “I don’t mean tonight. But, sometime pretty soon, okay?”
Dan tries to figure that one out, but he can’t quite make it. “Okay, what are my choices again?” He cuts his eyes up to watch Evan’s response.
Evan grins a little. “Okay, good job of asking for clarification!” He’s being patronizing, but it’s light enough that Dan doesn’t worry about it. “I think there’s three options that would work for me, more or less. I’ve got a personal favorite, but I really think I can live with any of them as long as I know what’s going on and have some time to adjust.” He pauses, and Dan takes another drink, bracing himself. “Okay, option one is that we’re purely business associates. Not friends, not anything else. And if that’s the option you take, then I’m in no place to say anything about you fucking Jeff. That’d be between me and him, because you and me would just work together.”
Dan decides to gloss over the difference between working with and working for someone in favor of clarifying another point. “We didn’t fuck.”
“What?”
Dan is vaguely pleased to have shaken Evan out of his calm presentation style. “We didn’t fuck. I didn’t fuck your boyfriend. We messed around some, that’s all.”
Evan takes a moment to reflect. “Okay, well, that’s good to know, actually. He just gave me a sort of general idea—”
“We didn’t kiss, either,” Dan interjects. “In case you wanted to know.”
“You didn’t kiss. Okay. Good. But, actually, you should stop telling me things you didn’t do, because then whatever you leave off the list, I’m gonna know that’s what you did do, and I don’t need that information in my head.” Evan’s voice is a little strained.
Dan nods. “Fair enough.”
Evan tries to get back to his list. “Okay, that was option one. Uh, option two… option two is that we’re just friends. You and me. And I don’t mean to be a princess about this, but with this option you can’t fuck Jeff.” He catches himself. “Or mess around, or whatever. I know that’s a bit controlling, but… it works okay, me and Jeff being with other people, but not if I know them, not if…. I can’t be wondering all the time, you know? ‘Hey, Jeff was busy on Friday, and Dan was busy on Friday… I wonder if they were together?’” He seems to be talking to himself as much as to Dan. “I can’t be doing that. So, yeah, that’s option two. I’d like to be your friend, but I was wrong, thinking that I could handle it if you and Jeff were together, and I wasn’t part of it. Okay? If you and Jeff are together, and I’m not involved, then I really can’t know about it.”
Dan forces himself to look at Evan. “Sorry about today. I mean… sorry if that bugged you.”
Evan laughs a little bitterly. “‘Bugged me’? Yeah, it fucking bugged me!”
Dan squirms a little. “We thought you said it was okay….”
“Yeah, I said it was okay. Sometimes I say stupid shit, all right? It’s not okay!”
“Okay….”
Evan gives him a sharp look as if he’s trying to decide if Dan is saying “okay” he understands, or “okay” is what Evan had said and should stand by. Dan raises his hands in surrender. “Okay! It’s not all right for me and Jeff to screw around if you and me are friends! I get it!” Then he knows he shouldn’t, can’t believe he is, but it must be the bourbon talking when he mumbles, “Fucking shame, though. Your boyfriend’s smoking hot.”
Evan spins his head around to stare at him, and Dan is a little glad that there are no weapons handy. “Too early to joke, Dan,” Evan growls. Dan nods meekly and takes another drink. It finishes the glass, and he thinks about getting more, but decides that Evan might not appreciate that. Besides, there’s only one more option to go—he can make it.
Evan has regrouped after the inappropriate comment, and is looking doggedly determined to continue. “Okay, so… option three. And, seriously, this is still my personal favorite, even after all this insanity today, so… that’s saying something.” He smiles sadly at Dan, but Dan thinks he’ll wait to hear the option before smiling back. “Option three is all of us together. I still think we could make it work, and I still think it would be fucking awesome. The thing is…. I’m not saying we need to jump into anything, but I need to know that you’re into it. I don’t mean I want a guarantee, or a time line… although either of those would be great…. I just… I need to know if you want it and are just taking your time getting comfortable with the idea, or if you really don’t want it and are just looking for a way to let us down easy.” Evan rubs his stubbled jaw line. “Let me down easy, I guess.”
Dan doesn’t really know what to say. Luckily, Evan isn’t quite done yet.
“S
o, yeah, I don’t expect an answer on that stuff tonight, I just….” He runs his hands through his hair and makes it stick out at awkward angles. He looks tired, and really young. “I feel like we almost lost it today, you know?” He takes a quick look at Dan. “I don’t know, maybe we did lose it, or maybe we never had it… I just….” He’s sitting forward on the sofa, his elbows on his knees and his hands hanging between them, and his head flops down so he’s looking at the floor. Dan wants to reach out to him, smooth his hair back into place and make him feel better.
But he doesn’t do it. Evan gave him three options, and Dan absolutely understands why Evan needs to figure out which one Dan wants to choose. The problem is, Dan kind of needs to figure that out too. And until he does, he needs to make sure that he’s not making any false promises. He needs to start taking responsibility for his actions again.
“Yeah, it’s—” Dan doesn’t know where he’s going with this, doesn’t even know why he started talking. He takes a moment, and then starts over again. “I’m tired, and I’m drunk, and it’s been a hell of a day. I… I appreciate you taking the trouble to track me down and lay it out like this.” He smiles ruefully. “I get a little worked up sometimes.”
Evan snorts. “Yeah. I got that.” He scoots forward so that their knees are almost touching, and when he speaks, his voice is lower, and a little husky. “And I’ve got no problem with it at all. But I want to be the one to work you up, you know?”
And Dan is amazed, because he does know. He looks at Evan and feels the same draw, the same heat that he’d felt with Jeff in Kentucky. He just stares for a second and then nervously licks his lips, and sees Evan’s darkened eyes follow the motion. “Yeah, I…,” Dan whispers, and then he stands up abruptly and turns away, walking over to the kitchen and running the tap to get some cold water. He wonders if he just has an undiscovered fetish for guys who drink Wild Turkey in dingy apartments.
He fumbles a glass from the cupboard and puts it under the tap, then takes a deep drink. The water is still running, so he doesn’t hear it when Evan comes up behind him, but he feels it when two hands come to rest on the points of his hips, holding firmly but not tight, and when Evan’s stubbled jaw leans over and rubs over his own. “I can give you some time to decide,” Evan murmurs, his lips ghosting over the skin of Dan’s cheek. “But I really, really hope you chose option three.” One of his hands runs up and tangles in Dan’s hair, twisting his head around as Evan shifts their bodies, and then Evan’s mouth is on Dan’s, firm lips pushing his open, tongue following immediately, confidently. Dan kisses back, but Evan is taking the lead, pulling Dan’s body into his, moving his head around to find the best angle, and kissing, so deep, so wet. Dan’s hands come up of their own will and grab hold of Evan’s shirt, not trying to move or control him, just hanging on, struggling to find some balance in the swirling storm of the kiss.
It’s over too soon, Evan pulling away a little and then a little more, until their mouths part, but their bodies are still pressed close together. Evan looks down dazedly, and the hand in Dan’s hair loosens its grip and runs forward, smoothing down over Dan’s cheek and jaw line as Dan stares into Evan’s eyes. “Holy shit,” Evan whispers. “That wasn’t part of the plan.” He releases his hold and takes a step backward, Dan’s fingers stretching and then releasing their grip on Evan’s shirt. “I gotta go. You…. Please don’t run anymore, okay?” And then he’s the one running, striding toward the door and yanking it open, and Dan can hear the thud of his feet hitting the bottom stairs before the door even swings shut.
Dan stands in the kitchen, staring at the door. This day has been… confusing. He takes another sip from his glass, then realizes that water isn’t going to cut it. He heads into the living room, looking for the bottle of bourbon. He’s got some thinking to do.
Chapter 37
DAN IS hung over when he wakes up the next morning. It’s not surprising, considering how much more he’d drunk after Evan left, but it’s disappointing. Dan’s not usually an optimist, but somehow he’s always able to convince himself that he won’t feel any serious effects from drinking. His head and stomach welcome him back to harsh reality.
He’s not quite sick enough to throw up, but he’s sick enough to wish he could. Instead, he staggers into the shower. “Linens” apparently doesn’t include towels, so he dries off with a clean T-shirt and then pulls on jeans and a different shirt. The shower helped, but he still feels crappy. He stumbles to the kitchen and looks for coffee, but just as he’d suspected, the Ryan Effect has dissipated and there is none to be found. He finds his keys and heads for the truck. He really needs coffee, and some grease to line his stomach.
He finds them both at the diner out by the highway, and by the time he’s done eating he feels almost human. He finds that he has the energy to start thinking about his day.
He tries to remember what specifically Evan had said the night before about Dan going back to work. He’d said he’d make it okay, but… had he said that it was already taken care of? There had been a lot of “stay put”s and “trust me”s, but had there been anything concrete? Dan doesn’t want to show up at the barn if he’s not cleared to be there, but he really doesn’t want to talk to Evan quite yet, either. Evan’s options from the night before are still spinning around in his brain, and he really has no idea what he wants to do. Until he does, it’ll be pretty damn awkward talking to the guy.
Dan decides to phone Linda. She’s up on all of Evan’s business, as far as Dan can see, and if she doesn’t know, she can find out. He steps out of the diner and lets the cool morning air go to work on his headache as he dials his phone. Linda picks up on the second ring.
“Good morning, Dan.”
“Hey, Linda, how are you?”
“I’m lovely, thank you. How about you?” He tries to sense if there’s anything more than politeness in the question, wonders whether she has any reason to think that he’s not entirely fine. But he can’t tell at all—she’s quite a professional, and he’s really not good at subtleties.
“I’m all right, thanks. Uh… I was doing some stuff with the security people yesterday, and they asked me not to go back to the barn until they’d cleared it.” He waits for any sound of surprise from her, but he doesn’t get anything. “Evan said he’d clear it up, but I just wanted to double-check before I went back out there.”
“Hmm.” Linda sounds like Dan just asked her if she knew a good cookie recipe. “I’m not sure, and Evan’s not available, but I can give a call over to the security department and check on things. Is it all right if I call you back in a couple minutes?”
“Yeah, thanks, Linda. That’d be great.” She hangs up, and Dan wonders if there’s anything he could have asked that would frazzle her. He bets not.
He’s not sure how long he’s going to have to wait, but it’s not like he hasn’t got a lot to think about. He honestly has no idea how to go about deciding what he wants with Evan. Puppet-Chris suggests a “pros and cons” list, and Dan honestly can’t tell if he’s joking or serious. It’s a little worrisome.
Dan thinks about calling the real Chris, but he wants to keep the line open for Linda. He tries to think it through for himself. The first possibility was just business with Evan, leaving the way open to more with Jeff. But Dan isn’t sure that’s a real option. He believes that Evan would offer it, but he’s not sure that Jeff would. Jeff and Evan might be having problems, but the reaction to the phone call the day before showed that Evan still has a hell of a pull on Jeff. Even with Dan being as tempting as he knew how, Jeff had chosen Evan. Dan wonders how pathetic he’s prepared to be. Can he accept that he’ll always come second, and still try to have some sort of relationship with Jeff?
Or should he look at the second option, friendship with Evan, nothing with Jeff? Or maybe friendship with Jeff, he supposes, but he’s not sure he could maintain that without going crazy. After the kiss last night, Dan’s not sure he could maintain just a friendship with Evan, either. After what�
��s been developing between them all, just friendship seems a little pale and unexciting. Dan decides that it’s the option of last resort.
So that leaves option three. The one Evan wants him to pick, Dan remembers, shivering a little as he can almost feel Evan’s stubbled cheek rubbing against his own. Dan thinks about it hard, tries to imagine how it would work. Not just physically, but emotionally. Are they really saying they’ll admit him as an equal partner in their relationship, or would he just be an associate member, an occasional visitor, a novelty toy? He can’t imagine them being crazy enough to offer the former, and he’s worried that he might be weak enough to accept the latter.
The phone rings, and he picks it up with some relief. Thinking is hard.
“Hey, Linda.”
“Hi Dan. I spoke to Bill Albanese in security, and he says that you’re cleared to proceed, all the same access as you’ve had all along.”
“Really? That was… fast.”
“Were you hoping for a little vacation time?” Linda’s voice is warm and teasing.
“Uh, no, not really. Just… great, okay.” He checks his watch. The horses will have been turned out by now, but he can check on the competition horses in their pastures, and…
“Oh, Dan, while I’ve got you….”
“Yeah, what’s up?” Dan had almost forgotten that he was still having a phone conversation.
“Evan asked me to get hold of someone he met at the event on the weekend, and I’ve been having trouble getting through. Evan said the gentleman knew you, though… do you have a number for Sean Dubois?”
Dan’s brain stops working for a second, and when it starts up again, it’s a little jerky. Evan. Looking for Sean Dubois. Dan can only think of one reason why Evan would be looking for Sean, an underemployed professional eventer. Evan had said that he was okay with keeping things strictly business, but maybe he wasn’t. Dan manages to pull himself together enough to say, “Uh, no, sorry, I don’t.”
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 66