Linda sounds as if she’s aware that Dan hadn’t reacted well to the question. “Well, I’m sure it’s not about anything important. I’ll just keep trying the original number, I guess. Thanks, Dan.”
“Yeah, thank you, Linda,” Dan says, but it’s like his mouth is moving by force of habit, with no connection to the rest of him. His mind is far away, spinning wildly and inefficiently, trying to process contradictory information. He hangs up the phone and sits down on the fender of the truck.
Is Evan planning to replace Dan if he doesn’t go along with his proposition? Or is he going to replace him anyway? Evan had said he wanted the three of them to get together, but he hadn’t mentioned how long he thought they should stay together. Dan realizes just how much he doesn’t know about Evan’s plans. Or Jeff’s, really—Dan knows that Jeff will put Evan first, but would that extend to supporting Evan if he tried to fire Dan? He wonders just what they’re putting on the line in all of this, compared to what they’re asking of him. Or maybe they’re not asking as much as he thinks they are. Maybe they’re just looking for a quick fuck, and he should do it and get it over with. Jeff’s hot, Evan’s hot, who says it has to be all emotional? They’d talked about being “interested,” but Evan’s also apparently “interested” in Sean fucking Dubois, so what does that mean? But why should Dan give them the satisfaction? If this whole thing has been a lie or a game to them, why should he let them win?
Does Evan honestly have the balls to come to Ryan’s apartment and lecture Dan about trust at the same time that he’s sneaking around behind Dan’s back, trying to hire his replacement? Did Dan actually let himself feel bad for overreacting to the security problems? Sure, Evan trusts him. He trusts him to be a total loser who’s too stupid to even know when he’s being used, trusts him to move across the country and work his ass off trying to get a bunch of horses in shape just in time for someone else to swoop in and take over. Dan leaves the bumper and sits on the seat of his truck with his feet out the door, and he bends over and puts his head in his hands, pressing in and trying to stop the pandemonium.
He feels the urge to drive again, to climb in and just take off. He’s been fooling himself all along, letting himself think that he could do the job without Justin, thinking that he somehow belonged in that nice house, working in that nice barn with all those nice people. He’s not nice, and the security guys had seen that in about a second. They must be pissed off now, thinking that he’d gotten away with it all, thinking that Evan trusts him. Evan should tell them that he’s hiring somebody new, make them feel better. Hell, maybe he already had, maybe that’s why Evan’s busy, he’s busy laughing his ass off with the security guys, thinking about the poor dumb dropout who thinks he belongs anywhere near the mighty Kaminski. Hell, if Sean wants this shit, let him have it. Dan’s had enough.
Dan thinks about Justin and how everything had been simple with him. They’d loved each other, loved their jobs, their horses… their lives. And now Dan has this. This mess of confusion. Dan remembers the funeral, remembers how Chris had talked about Justin’s intensity, and his certainty. Dan misses that. He needs that. And then he remembers other things about those days in Kentucky. He remembers riding with Jeff and Chris, going up Justin’s hill in the dark, and feeling the night, letting the horse guide him. Why can Dan be so sure when he’s on a horse and so totally confused all the rest of the time? He remembers Jeff and Evan at the funeral, too, and Tatiana’s gentle hug, and her kind words at the visitation. He thinks of how much Evan loves his sister, and how beautifully she’s turning out.
And he picks up his phone and dials. It rings a few times and then a voice mail greeting comes on, followed by a beep. Dan hopes he’s doing the right thing.
“Hey, Evan, it’s Dan. I think… I kind of need to talk to you…. Just give me a call when you can, okay?” He hangs up. If Evan has been fucking with him, leading him on, he just opened himself up to more lies and confusion. But Dan really wants to trust him. It wouldn’t mean everything is going to be easy, or even make that much more sense, but it would give Dan another point to anchor himself to. He’s just climbing into the truck when his phone rings. Caller display says Evan—is the guy just screening his calls?
“Hello.”
“Hey, Dan, it’s me. What’s up?”
“Linda said you were unavailable. I thought you’d call back later.”
“Uh, no. I was in a meeting, but I saw your name on the phone, so I took a break. Is everything okay?”
Dan’s already committed, really. “I was just… I was talking to Linda, and she said that you were trying to get in touch with Sean Dubois. I just, uh… I just wondered why.”
There’s a second of silence, and then Evan says, “Shit. Did you think I was looking to replace you?” He seems to interpret Dan’s silence correctly. “Okay. Thanks for calling and letting me explain.”
Dan’s still silent, waiting. Hoping.
“Sean did talk to me on Sunday, like you said he would, looking for rides. But he also said he was looking at maybe getting out of riding entirely, and becoming a sales agent. You know, matching up buyers and sellers. I meant to talk to you about it, about maybe hiring him or somebody like him. But then things got a little hectic with the security stuff, and it slipped my mind. But I asked Linda to get in touch with him so I could get some more information. That’s all. Seriously, Dan, your job’s safe. Regardless of how things turn out, or what you decide or whatever.” He waits for a second. “Dan? You good?”
“I’m gonna move out,” Dan says abruptly. He surprises himself a little, but as soon as he says it he knows it’s a good idea. He believes Evan about Sean, but still… it’s a good idea to move out.
“Huh? Out of your house? Why?”
“Because it’s not my house, it’s your house. I…. It’s too close, you know? It’s just too much. My whole life is tied up in that place, and… it’s too much.”
There’s a pause, and then Evan quietly says, “Does this mean you’re trying to… trying to keep it just business? Trying to avoid me?”
Dan groans a little. “Not really. I’m still… I’m pretty fucked up, Evan. I mean, this thing with Sean… I….” He takes a moment to try to collect himself. “Okay, you said that option three was me being interested in something more, but no guarantees, right?”
“Yeah….”
“Okay, the thing is… yeah, I’m interested. I have been for a while. In both of you, not just Jeff. But… I really don’t see it working, Evan. I mean, there’s just too much in the way. You know?”
Evan’s voice is quiet. “No. I don’t know. I mean, yeah, there’s stuff we have to work out, but I think we can do it. I think it’s worth trying, at least.”
“Yeah, okay, but that right there, that attitude—that’s why I’ve got to move out. Because… okay, you can say you won’t fire me, and I believe you. Well, I believe you most of the time. But if we try this, and it blows up as badly as it could, I really doubt I’m going to want to keep working there. And when the security thing happened—that was like they took everything, you know? Not just my job, but my home. I can’t have that much tied up one place.”
Evan doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Are you sure you want to be deciding this now? I mean, you had a rough day yesterday, and….”
“Yeah. Evan, people move all the time, it’s not a life-changing decision. The house was great while I got settled in, and now I’ll find somewhere else. No big deal.”
“Well, whatever… I mean, we don’t really use the place, so if you want to get your own spot, that’s great, but the house will always be there.”
“Okay, yeah.”
“But what about these other things that are in the way?” Evan’s starting to sound like he’s moving back into his “let’s get things done” mode, and Dan isn’t sure whether to be amused or terrified. “We should talk about them, right? I mean, talking worked this time—you could have freaked out about Sean, but you didn’t. You just called
me, and we talked, got it straightened out.”
“I freaked out a bit,” Dan confesses, and there’s another pause.
“Did you go over to Jeff’s again?” Evan sounds like he’s mostly joking but not entirely.
“No! It was… it was an internal freak out. Didn’t last quite as long.”
“And you pulled yourself out of it. Seriously, I think this ‘talking’ thing could really work for us. So here’s my plan. We take today to all calm down a little. Regroup. And then tomorrow we meet up for dinner, somewhere quiet, and we figure out the obstacles, hammer out the details.”
Dan smirks. “Like, a dating contract?”
“Yeah, exactly!” Dan tries to ignore Puppet-Chris’s victory dance, and resolves that he will never tell the actual Chris. Or else he will tell him, while he’s explaining the final piece of evidence that convinced Dan that things would never work between him and Evan. “Dan?” Evan interrupts.
“Yeah, uh. The contract idea is insane. But… okay, maybe we should at least talk through stuff, see what you guys are thinking about.” A thought occurs to him. “But is Jeff okay with the timing? His show’s this Friday, right? Should he be concentrating on getting ready for that?”
“I don’t know. Last time we talked about it he was almost ready, but… I guess I could call him and find out.” Evan sounds reluctant, almost petulant, and Dan has a sinking feeling.
“Are you guys fighting? Are you mad about him and me?” There’s no answer. “Because, seriously… we thought it was okay with you, and I was pretty fucking persistent, man… and when it came down to it….” Dan doesn’t know if he really wants to say this part. “When it came down to it, he chose you. I was… well, I was doing my best to distract him, and the phone rang, and he thought it was you, and—”
“Dan! Seriously, this is between me and him.”
Dan hears that pretty clearly. “Yeah. So that’s the way it’s going to be, in your version of the damn contract? You and Jeff can talk about me all you want, but I don’t get to say anything about either of you? That’s good to know, man. Thanks for clearing that up.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that….”
“Really? So how did you mean it?”
“Fuck. I don’t know. Okay, yeah, you have a right to talk about us, too, I guess… but… yeah, okay, I heard what you said. I’ll give him a call and see if he’s free for dinner tomorrow night. Okay?”
“And be nice.”
Evan snorts a little. “What?”
“You should be nice when you call him. You love him, remember?” Dan’s teasing, but he means it too.
“Yeah, thanks. So I’ll call him, nicely… and then I’ll call you back and let you know?”
“Okay. But, Evan… I mean, okay, you’re right, it’s worth talking it out, but… talking doesn’t solve everything, you know?” He can barely remember all the things that had jittered through his mind earlier, but he’s pretty sure that at least some of them had merit.
Evan sighs. “No, not everything. But, seriously, Dan, if you want this… and I want this… and Jeff wants this… let’s make it happen, you know? Let’s get it for ourselves.”
“Jesus, you sound like a motivational speaker.” Dan laughs a little.
“Well, is it working? Are you motivated?”
“I’m motivated to hang up. I’m gonna go to work, and then I’ll move my stuff out tonight. I can come back and clean the place… oh, not tomorrow night… the next night?”
“Nah, man, don’t worry about cleaning it. We’ve got people who can do that.”
Dan shakes his head. “You have people. I don’t. I can clean.”
“Whatever. Knock yourself out.” Evan mutters something that sounds like “Stubborn bastard,” but Dan doesn’t ask him to repeat it.
They hang up, and Dan lies back along the bench seat, his feet still sticking out the door. He stays like that for a minute, staring at the ceiling of the truck and wondering what the hell he’s doing. In the space of five minutes he’s gone from freaking out and hating his life to feeling reasonably content, although still totally uncertain about his future. And still a little hung over. He pulls himself back up to a sitting position and swings his feet inside the truck. He doesn’t have to worry about Evan and Jeff until the next night, and in the meantime, he’s got horses to train. It may not be a lot, but it’s enough. At least for now.
Chapter 38
DAN DRIVES to the barn and throws himself into his work with enthusiasm. It’s hard for him to believe that he saw the horses only the morning before. It feels like it’s been weeks. The staff doesn’t seem to have even noticed that he was gone, and Tatiana is there, too, bright and cheerful as ever. He supposes that Evan wouldn’t have mentioned any of the previous day’s events to her, and she seems unaware of the trauma caused in the name of her security. He has a quick flash of resentment, wondering why she gets to be so blissfully ignorant while he is put through the third degree, but after about two minutes of her gushing about Sunshine and Chaucer and all the other exciting things in her life, he finds that he’s forgiven her. He likes it that she’s unaware and that she can still be a kid even with the dangers in her world. He realizes again that Evan’s doing a good job with his little sister.
Dan takes Tat with him when he checks on the horses that had competed on Sunday. They need at least a couple days to rest after their exertions, so he doesn’t ride them, but he has Robyn walk and trot them on the leadline so he can watch for lameness, and he runs his hands over their muscles to check for the heat of injury. He explains what he’s doing to Tat, and he’s impressed as always with her focus and her interest in learning. He sort of hopes that she doesn’t become a serious eventer, because he doesn’t want to see her take that kind of risk, but he thinks she definitely has a future in the horse world, if she wants it. A future she could earn herself, not one that she buys with her family money.
Ryan calls around lunchtime. He’s just waking up, and Dan teases him about the rock and roll lifestyle. Ryan agrees ruefully, and gives a quick summary of what he’s been up to. He sounds happy, and more excited than Dan’s ever heard him, so Dan’s happy on his behalf.
When Ryan asks how Dan’s doing, he’s not sure how to respond.
“Oh, yeah. Better today, for sure. Sorry about the drama yesterday.”
“Dude, there wasn’t really any drama…. You just sounded down.”
“Yeah, it… I dunno. Some stuff came up, and I didn’t deal with it all that well, and… whatever. But, yeah, I think I’m gonna find somewhere else to live. The house is really nice, but it’s just not really me, you know? And I think I need a bit of breathing room from the whole Kaminski experience.”
“Especially if you’re gonna start dating him,” Ryan says quietly.
Dan’s temporarily speechless. He’d known Ryan was aware of his interest in Jeff, but…. “What? Why would… I mean….”
“Dude, I thought he was gonna punch me that first night in the bar.” Ryan laughs a little. “And he eased off, but still… he wasn’t exactly subtle. And a guy like him—what he wants, he gets, right?”
“Wait. No…. What do you mean… a guy like him? I thought you thought… Jeff?” Dan is aware that he’s not making a lot of sense. Maybe he can treat this as a rehearsal for the conversation the next evening. He obviously needs some practice.
“A guy like him: rich, good-looking, smart, ambitious—the whole package, right? And, honestly, from how I’ve seen him treat other people, he seems like a pretty good guy too.”
“Yeah, but… I don’t know, man. I mean… I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Yeah, no shit. He’s been seeing Stevens for years, right?”
“Wait a second—how come you know all this?”
“Dude, he’s the biggest piece of gossip around. The whole package. And single. And fucks men and women? And lots of each? Jesus, it’s a small town… there’s people who could tell you what that guy has for breakfast
.” Ryan sounds amused by the whole scene, but Dan doesn’t think he’s able to be that sanguine himself.
“Shit.” Dan really hadn’t considered that other people might be aware of his… situation. It’s one more item that makes him uncomfortable about the whole thing. Puppet-Chris tells him to add it to the ‘con’ list, but Dan hasn’t admitted that he’s making one. The less the puppet knows, the better.
Ryan sounds a bit more thoughtful. “So, you’re thinking about, what… both of them? The town would love that.”
“Jesus. The town cares?”
“Dan, man—you saw those girls grab onto your first day at the restaurant—if the town cares about you, you’d better believe they care about Kaminski, and a Kaminski threesome? Hell, yeah, they’d care.”
“Oh, God.” Dan groans and cradles his head in his hands. “This just gets messier and messier.”
Ryan’s voice is gentle. “What about you, man? Forget the town, and forget Kaminski… what do you want?”
Dan thinks for a minute. “Fuck if I know.”
“Okay, put it this way… if you were stuck on a desert island somewhere, just the three of you… would you be getting it on?”
Dan smiles at the thought. “Would there be lube?”
“Coconut oil or something. Be creative.”
“Okay, side question—does this not bother you at all? I mean, this conversation is just about killing me, and you seem fine with it.” Dan isn’t sure if he really wants the answer to that. “Am I just… am I flattering myself to think that maybe it would bug you a little?”
Ryan takes a second before answering. “I went into this thinking we’d be friends. And then I bailed before we got to be much more. I… I’ve got no right to lay claim to you, man. You know? And, I don’t know… I guess I’m pretty good at being content with what I’ve got, and not bitching about what I haven’t.”
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